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Feeling heavy, Anxious ):

User Profile: AiluraTheCat
AiluraTheCat April 19th

I feel anxious and overwhelmed. I feel like I can’t be myself. People always end up saying I’m emotionless, but I just want to be honest. Sometimes I even start thinking maybe they’re right… like I’m heartless, just like my mom and brother say.

But I also don't think i am. I do have emotions...!!

I don’t understand why I can’t feel a true connection with anyone. It’s not like I’m lonely or feel isolated. I just want to be myself, connect with people, i shower love wherever I go, care way too much But I don’t emotionally rely on anyone, if ppls leave, i feel nothing...!! n i don't think it's bad to be this way, it's just my way of protecting oneself, it's my past made me what I am now. 

And because of that, ppl think I’m a bad person… like I’m cold, emotionless, or even like an animal 

The truth is, I’m just afraid of humans n the harm they’ve caused me. It hurts every single day. Just because I smile, act lively, humorous, and playful doesn’t mean I don’t have emotions or don’t feel pain. I wake up every day with this pain, n sometimes it’s hard just to swallow, I'm struggling to sleep, struggling to eat, going through health issues, I've been alone all my life, came across every hard phase alone, no one ever been with me, no one supported me, n now i just want to be seclude!! I'm not isolating myself, or detaching from ppl's but stabilizing me to not fall in any kinda trap agn. How could this be wrong?? Idk?

I do feel hurt, it's aching deep inside, maybe i just want to the one they say, "Emotionless" "Animal" i hate I am sheding tears now for without any reason. 

Wish i never born !! 

Sorry, if that's huge..!! I just needed to vent. Thank you for reading *Hugs* 

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User Profile: memyselfandmoth
memyselfandmoth April 21st

Are you neurodivergent? (Don't answer unless you're comfortable answering ♥️)

I just ask because for me, an autistic individual, this is also how I feel and approach life and it can be very normal for us. We often feel lonely but I feel less lonely now that I've engaged with autistic communities in my area. You are valid and important and your emotions are your own. You don't have to follow their script, regardless. Don't hurt yourself over something they can't understand, you may just be a rainbow in the dark but there's people who will love you for it. 🌈 ♥️♥️♥️

1 reply
User Profile: memyselfandmoth
memyselfandmoth April 21st
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User Profile: placidPapaya9970
placidPapaya9970 April 21st

@AiluraTheCat my long lost siblling you sound just like me i cant belive i found my twin you sound so understandable because i know this so well i love everything you just said honest and i dont care if its long i love this so so much

1 reply
User Profile: placidPapaya9970
placidPapaya9970 April 21st

if i coud i woud write 123564 pages about this i just understand this 

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User Profile: SoulHeaven
SoulHeaven April 21st

@AiluraTheCat Hey I’m really sorry you’re carrying all of this It sounds very heavy like you’ve been holding pain inside for a long time while still trying to show up with a smile for everyone else

What you described doesn’t sound like someone who is emotionless or heartless It actually sounds like someone who feels very deeply but has learned to protect themselves because of how much they’ve been hurt When you say you care a lot give love but don’t rely on people and don’t feel much if they leave that doesn’t make you a bad person It sounds like a way your mind is trying to keep you safe
And honestly after going through things alone for so long it makes sense that trusting or connecting fully feels confusing or distant That doesn’t mean something is wrong with you It means you adapted
I can also hear how much it hurts to be misunderstood to be labeled as cold when inside you’re hurting every day That kind of pain especially from people close to you cuts really deep No one deserves to feel like they are too much or not enough at the same time
The part where you said you wish you were never born worries me in a caring way because it shows how overwhelmed and tired you must be feeling right now You don’t have to carry that alone Even writing it here means something
You’re not an animal You’re not broken You’re someone who survived things that shaped how you relate to people And even now there is still a part of you that wants connection and to be understood and that part matters
If you feel okay sharing what do you think made it hardest for you to trust or feel safe with people over time.

Sending you lots of love 💕 and hugs🤗 
User Profile: courteousCherry7087
courteousCherry7087 April 21st

@AiluraTheCat  its not quite the same thing, but i've never understood why I don't show emotion. Death, breakup's, bad financial news, etc etc.  I have never cared about these things or acknowledged them.  I feel like what's the point.  It is what it is.

User Profile: optimisticSkies5148
optimisticSkies5148 April 21st

@AiluraTheCat

Hello Dear! 🙃 

I just read your post and I felt like I'm reading this about myself. I can relate to how you feel! But always remember that 

Nothing is permanent in this 

world, not even your problems

To distract yourself, you should start doing journaling and pen down your thoughts and problems and then write ways to overcome and tackle with your problems! Start doing meditation and exercise. 

When you hear someone say bad about you, you don't have to snap back at them! You should know your own worth because, if people don't say that you're bad, means that you're not good enough from them to be jealous of you! You just have to work for yourself and prove all of them wrong about you. 

Remember I'll be always here to support and help you!

Focus on the good things in life and find happiness in small things! Stay Happy! 

User Profile: fossilfellow
fossilfellow April 21st

@AiluraTheCat I'm so, so sorry you're feeling this way 🙁 You're not emotionless or heartless. You're a human who's been hurt badly. It's exhausting to keep pretending to be okay and put on a smile 🙁 Your feelings are completely valid.

There's nothing wrong with you for protecting yourself from being hurt again... It's shaped by all the bad and hurtful things you've faced. 

You deserve to feel safe and secure around people. Be gentle with yourself. It's ok to be ur true self here ❤️ We're all here for you, and you truly matter 💖 Sending you all my love ❤️❤️❤️

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