How to Live With Dismissive Avoidant

@intellectualEast4602 I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Please know that you're not alone 🤍 I hope you have a great time here 🍀 and find the support you deserve ❤️ Sending lots of love your way! ❤️❤️

@intellectualEast4602

Sorry you are having to go through this.
For most of the past 2 decades this is how I have felt but I'm sure my wife felt the same.
We were in a stale marriage for the past 2 decades and last September, we finally sat down and laid all our issues out on the table.

It turned out we both felt lonely in our marriage. both of us spent way too much time on I G (the only social media we both did) and we agreed to leave it behind and put the effort into each other rather than our screens.
since then we have reconnected and are in a good place once again.

We just passed our 32nd anny yesterday and almost 42 years together.

I hope you can maybe sit down with your partner and discuss what the both of you would like to see change?

@intellectualEast4602

There are many of us out here. Lonely and disconnected in a marriage. any moment when we can be connected is few and short lived.   After a certain time we do seek out some connection. this platform is hard as one on one messages are only member- listener  ........ not 2 members. 

@intellectualEast4602 Hii I am interested in talking to you....if you also want to talk you can message 

@intellectualEast4602 omgg sameeeeee, i try to connect to people but they end up being offline or smthn....

@intellectualEast4602

Hi East! 😊 ❤️

 Thank you for your forum post and for reaching out for help and support! I know it takes a lot of courage to do so sometimes, and I commend you my friend! ❤️

I can only imagine how very difficult your relationship could be from time to time. Those with attachment style "issues" certainly can present unique challenges to us. There can be many consequences for us as people for caring for others that experience different attachment styles other than secure. Some can play out in mild ways and some can really play out in ways that are incredibly maladaptive and pervasive dependent upon the person. 

It makes complete sense to me that you would be at your "wits end". Someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style can be a bit confusing. It can feel as if you are riding on an emotional roller coaster and it's not fun. The push-pull that has no end, no resolution in sight, can be frustrating, hurtful, demeaning, confusing. 

I'm sorry that you are experiencing this. Your feelings are valid. You have a right to your feelings and your feelings are the one thing in life that no one can argue with you about as they are yours and yours alone! 

Once again, I commend you as it appears as if you have done a bit of "homework" to find a name for all of this. Knowing what it is that you are up against, what your partner experiences really can be a very good first step to find at bit of understanding, a bit of comfort as well as to find ways of how to deal with it all on the day to day. 

I can understand how it is that you feel devastated. Anyone would, my friend. ❤️

Well, here is a bit of more good news. You came to the right place! 😊 I'm so very glad that you found 7 cups and I'm also very glad that you have already thought of a bit of a plan of how to deal with the negative behaviors. Finding ways to "disengage" emotionally are at times our only options. Living with someone that is emotionally disregulated can create emotional disregulation in us. Long term abuse can create mental health issues for us. It's a sad state of affairs where the one that has to deal with the abusive behaviors ends up asking for anxiety medication just to live in a home or becomes incredibly depressed from being treated this way. I get it! 

Some resources that I can provide is our browse listener link  https://www.7cups.com/BrowseListeners/  Here you can use the filters to connect with a trained active listener that might have relationships as one of their "lived experiences". 

We also have a relationship group support room that is open from time to time and it might be really good to connect with others that are going through similar things. 

Hey, spending time, right here in the forums can be a beautiful experience as well! ❤️

As for a youtube resource that I would highly recommend would be doing a search for Thais Gibson. Highly trained, lots of great knowledge there, for sure! 💡

Well, and for how to disengage emotionally. One thing that could be helpful is a bit of radical acceptance. This is how this person will behave. We cannot control the behaviors of others only our own. Sometimes with radical acceptance can be working through the "grief process". I feel as if this certainly does qualify as it's "loss of the dream", loss of how you thought things would go and clearly, they just aren't going that way, now are they? Its okay to grieve, to be sad, to be disheartened as it sounds as if you didn't exactly sign up for this. 

Other ways to disengage can be refusing to engage. If you have set a clear boundary, it's okay to let the other party know, that you are willing to discuss things with them further once they can interact with you in a way that dignity, civility and respect are valued by both parties. It's okay to walk away if you like and you could also say, how about if we try again in 30 minutes? We will try again later. 

Perhaps your partner would benefit from cooling off for a few moments, collecting their thoughts and then engaging with you in a more healthy manner all the while, knowing that you are not abandoning them but you are keeping the door open for further dialogue?

Taking a pause before replying could be helpful. One could count to 5 and simply breath. The goal would be to respond as opposed to react. Reacting is easy and in doing so, that means you are "taking the bait'. Responding is vastly different. It can be best to not argue. Responses such as "interesting", "that's a good point, I'll keep it mind". When taking a pause it can help one to find their center, remain calm and ensure that their voice doesn't go into the "higher pitch". This would be a bit of a "tell" to your partner that they are getting you to react. Just monotone, no emotion. Simple response can be best. 

Some like to sing their favorite song in their mind. Gives you a bit of peace in the moment, can have a calming effect for before responding if the interaction is highly negative. 

If your partner won't reach out for counseling, to a liscenced and trained therapist to work on their behavior, it's always okay if you decide to reach out to one in an effort to decompress and learn ways of how to navigate the relationship and adjust to living with someone that behaves this way. 

East, thank you again for your forum post! I appreciate you! ❤️ You are not alone. I hope that I have been of help to you today. .Others may see your post and might feel less alone. They might find comfort in your efforts as well as all of the amazing contributors here from our teammates. 

*high fives* 😊 and big *hugs* ❤️

Hi

I am going through something similar. We can talk maybe and understand each other

I am very sorry that you are going through this. I hope you have found someone from 7cups