I intend to leave 7Cups

Trigger Warning: Depression, loneliness, anxiety, self-worth issues, emotional distress.

I feel like I'm disappearing. I no longer know who I am. I've been thinking about this for the past two months, so it isn't just a random thought.

I am lonely. I feel guilty about the things I've done, and I carry a lot of regret. But I keep everything hidden. No one truly knows me, to put in the right way " i never let anyone know me" what I need, what I want, or the reasons behind my actions. People simply come to their own conclusions and judge me and i donr care about it though. I hate explaining or express my everyday pain. i don't know why but it hurts me so badly now. 

I can't spend a single moment alone, every minute I am sitting alone getting heavy. i can't prevent myself from crying. i tried hard, but i couldn't resist. No one knows I am moaning here all day, no one knows i didn't have food since yesterday. 

I know I'm making mistakes. I know I'm not doing well. I know I haven't met anyone's expectations or made them proud the way my sibling have. I just need a little kindness, a few kind words, and a gentle push forward. Instead, all I seem to receive is criticism, disappointment, harsh words, and judgmental looks. I can't take it anymore. i really can't. my chest hurts so much 

I acknowledge that I've failed in a lot of ways, but at least let me go now. Permit me to lead my own life. I detest the way my family perceives me. I'm taking medicine for my health problems, and I'm exhausted. The medication has adverse effects. It's too much for me. I have to take care of my household chores while feeling weak, dizzy, and sleepy all day. If I'm having trouble, nobody seems to care. However, they said, "You are a woman, you got to face the pain and never say or let your facial expressions out and endure it." Whoa! I was taken to heaven by those lovely words.

Everything feels so heavy. I cry every single day, yet I smile at everyone and tell them I'm fine. I'm tired of doing that. I'm not okay. Not at all.

I don't know what to do anymore or where to go. I feel completely lost. But why? Even now, a part of me still believes that everything will somehow be alright, even though nothing feels normal anymore. Why do I keep acting like I'm the happiest person in the world? Why do I keep smiling?

Sometimes I feel disgusted with myself.

I feel worthless. The people who genuinely care about me seem to exist only behind a screen, while in my real life I'm constantly struggling with anxiety, harsh words, being taken for granted, and feeling unwanted.

I don't even feel like 7 Cups is helping me anymore. I feel like I'm losing myself in a world that doesn't feel real.

I'm exhausted.

Maybe I'll feel differently later. Maybe I'll change my mind. I don't know.

But this is how I feel right now.