Is my life toxic or is it just me?
Some days are really great. In fact, as long as I don’t say no to something my life can be perfect. But sometimes, I don’t want to go certain places or I make other plans. And that’s when my controlling parent goes nuts. It can be a simple thing like can you come to the movies and I can’t make it. It because a huge fight, everything is a huge fight and somehow I’m the monster every time. I try my best to keep my composure and don’t get upset, I say sorry but no thank you, I can’t go politely and somehow I’m being screamed out, manipulated, and gaslit for the next two hours. It will continue until I APOLOGIZE. For years, I’ve keep my calm but recently I’ve started screaming back because I just can’t take it anymore. Because of this I try to just say yes. But it’s upsetting because I feel trapped. My freedom is taken from me. When I leave my house, I’m often questioned sometimes I’m made to feel bad if I leave the house without including this person. It’s always like I’m not allowed to be independent. In many ways, I’m a fool. I could just walk away but I don’t. I stay for the good times, because when it’s good I feel love. I’m in my early 30s, and single and still look young for my age. Which I believe adds to the problem, it’s almost like I’m being treated like a teenager but for eternity. In some ways, I’ve wasted the best years of my life trying to be the perfect daughter instead of living my life. I actually almost got married to gain freedom. How crazy is that? ( I did care for him but he broke my heart in the end. Another story.) She respects my married siblings much more than me. I don’t know if my experience is normal. I should walk away, I know I should but I’m afraid of the unknown. Living on my own is my goal but in this economy it’s almost impossible but I’m trying my best and working very hard. I’ve had three jobs at one point. Now I’m down to two because I couldn’t handle it.
@bestLime1587 Sending lots of love towards you!❤️❤️ You deserve love and kindness and I wish you find the support you're looking for here 🍀 try to be gentle with yourself ❤️ Thankyou for sharing you're story!✨🤍
It sounds like your boundaries are constantly crossed. And when you set them, you get push back until eventually you cave.
As a recovered people please, I can say that saying "no" means exactly that. When someone asks me why, I say I don't want to. If they push for an explanation, then I remain silent.
Boundaries aren't meant to make people comfortable or please them. They're meant to protect us from harm. If having boundaries becomes an issue for others, then that says more about them than it does you.
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Thank you so much for reading my post. It’s really nice to connect with people going through the same thing. I do struggle with saying no and I always have to give an reason. It’s true what you say about boundaries and I really like your insight.
@bestLime1587
Have you considered she sees you as someone who still needs mothering or she is lonely and afraid to lose you and really face being alone. If you no longer want to go to movies or do things with her these are things she does not want to end. she is fighting the inevitable not only you.
If her relationship with your married siblings is working the relationship transition between child and grown child on their own has occurred. That transition when we no longer see a child as an extension of ourselves and someone to guide or "help" make decisions etc. It is hard to do when a adult child still lives in the same home MANY are facing this. This transition does not just happen at a certain age some do not even happen after marriage if they still do just as parent wants etc. it is different for different kids too.
@bestLime1587 im in a similar situation. I actually rebelled and left home as well once - but only to come back because I couldn't make it on my own - my anxiety gets high because of this mad control. Anyway i adjust as much as I can with them and do as much as possible for myself ... trying to keep balance. Because cutting connection doesnt feel right either ... its not that they dont love me - but they dont have adequate parenting skills. Thats all.