Lack of friendship is unbelievable
Last night I was feeling chronically lonely again. As I was talking to a listener. I get the impression that my situation is almost unbelievable to most. The fact that people don't want to be in touch with me. But it is really true people don't want to be in touch with me. And because of that, I keep sinking. I keep getting slowly worse. I can't pick myself up from my own bootstraps. I had one person say to me, "the only person who can fix you is you". I've heard that many times. It hurts every time I hear it. Now days when someone says that to me, I either tell them that I won't talk to them anymore, or I will block them. It all depends on what the website I'm on will let me do. Because I consider it to be a lie from h*ll. If we all could fix ourselves then there would be no need for doctors, therapy, or community.
@tryingtosurvive2024 I thought I was the only person who felt this way. I feel like I shouldn’t feel it, I try to be more positive, but it never goes away. I’m tired in a way I can’t even find a word for. I hope you don’t mind if I follow your thread.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
@EllaListens
You both are welcomed to follow my thread. Just one word of caution. My threads don't get popular like other people here! I always thought the reason why this is happening to me is because I'm a guy, not strong, not super positive, not fast, my interests not popular, and that I was a custodian for 22 years working a second shift job doing something that almost nobody else wants to do!
PiecesOfWhoeverIWas, You don't need to ask me to follow any of my threads! 💖 I am sorry you are going through this. It does hurt a lot!
EllaListens, if that profile pictures is really your picture, you are beautiful. Beauty is attractive and that usually increases a Woman's popularity. At least that is what I have observed on I.G. Y.T and numerous other places online. I'm really sorry you are going through this. 💖
I'm constantly wondering, what creates balance between two people. Because any friendship, or other type of relationship requires two people working together on it. I'm deeply confused by how people have been behaving. Especially in the last few years. I've heard people blame Covid. I know it's still around, but can't people get past this? It sure isn't as bad as it was in 2020! Why do I get the feeling that something else is going on?
@tryingtosurvive2024
Hey! Thank you for sharing so honestly. ❤️
Your thread may not be 'popular' right now, but it matters, and your words carry real weight.
You’ve lived a life full of hard work and reflection, and I think that gives your voice something unique and grounded that people often overlook in this world. I appreciate that you're showing up with sincerity...it's refreshing.
Also, thank you for the kind words about my photo. I did add a bit of AI editing to polish up the outfit and background to make it professional, but yes, that's me 😊.
I completely relate to your questions about balance and connection. Relationships 100% do need both people to show up and put in effort and it’s hard when it feels like others are checked out, or just…different than before. Maybe COVID shifted people more than we fully realize or maybe we’re all still leaarning how to reconnect in a world that feels less predictable in a way.
Either way, I’m glad to be part of this space, and I would love to keep reading more of your thoughts.
@EllaListens I'm not sure why they are checking out. Don't they long for connection too?
@tryingtosurvive2024 I find my thoughts consumed by these questions often as well. People on this site seem like what I’d hope for in a friend, but when I turn off the computer and talk face to face, I can’t seem to find anyone who’s genuinely kind or interested in listening to anyone but themselves. I don’t feel like I require a lot from a person. I have a giving nature and don’t mind if the relationship isn’t balanced exactly 50/50. But there’s got to be a time when it’s our turn to be cared for a little. I’ve learned a lot about setting boundaries in the beginning, so that people don’t get used to receiving from me so much, and so this is what I try to do now. But I haven’t found that it’s done me any good yet. I’m still meeting people that are all about themselves from the start.
For context, I’m a woman, roughly around your age. I have failed relationships and short friendships under my belt. I don’t really understand what I’m doing wrong. I’ve felt alone most of my life. Childhood home wasn’t good, so I have no contact with my family. I had a couple good friends in college, but one group broke apart because of drama between other members, and the best girl friend I had changed after getting together with a bad guy. She was pretty cool and I miss her. Most women I meet now are very interested in superficial things, gossiping about each other, I just can’t connect.
I’ve been trying to go to events designed to meet new people with common interests. It seems people like me when we first meet. I make acquaintances. And then the only people that are interested in being close friends are ones who discover they can use me for something.
What have your experiences been like? I’m interested to hear more about how you see Covid changed people. I hadn’t thought about that much.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas I am the say way as far as it is super easy for me to be open and talk with people online. Like I can write far easier than I can speak. In person, I always feel awkward and don't know what to say to anyone. And I really don't have any friends anymore in real life. I don't mind being alone most of the time but I know it isn't healthy for me.
@LucyDW I relate so much.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas I too have always struggled with trying to make lasting friendships. It seems as if people just don’t attached to me. No one would believe that I didn’t have a group of friends. I fake it pretty well at work. And I’m a therapist! This all kind of messes with my head. I am currently extremely lonely, with only my husband and two cats for company. I’m now on my sixth week of medical leave from work. My anxiety and depression became too bad to do my job. It’s rare that I met someone who also didn’t have friendships. At this point, I kind of keep myself at a distance from others. It feels exhausting to try to share with others.
@imaginativeTree8312 I’m sorry you go through this too. I imagine it must be hard in a very unique way being a therapist, like people assuming therapists don’t need support or that you just want to listen to other people all the time.
I can see why you would be good at hiding it when you’ve had to put your things to the side professionally for your clients. I’ve had people assume that I had an easy life because I smiled a lot, and when they found out things about my past they didn’t believe me. It hurts. People should never deny someone support because of any judgments. People should still be asking how you really are, even if you seem fine.
I’m glad you have been taking time for yourself in this leave from work. How are you feeling about it? Has it helped in some ways?
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas I have trouble interacting with people on a deep level here. I hate the interface of this website. It makes it hard for me read and reply. I don't know how to explain the Covid thing. In my experience, teachers at the school I cleaned for, seemed to be more free spirited. After Covid, it was like they had a stick up their butts. Yeah they were still pretty good with each other, but when it came to me, it was like they had a stick up their butts. They only cared about their group. It was kinda like that in the past, but it got worse.
@tryingtosurvive2024 That situation with the teachers would have upset me too. Covid did have the lasting effect of making people more standoffish, I’ve noticed at church too. But for them to still be very cliquish with their circle and snobby to others like you just isn’t cool.
I don’t like the human tendency to clique. I think when people do that it shows their own insecurities that they’re trying to use a group identity to cover up.
It happens here too I’ve seen. I am friendly with a few people and have an easier time writing than speaking, but even here sometimes I feel like my deepest thoughts are too much for others and I don’t fit in. I’m sorry you haven’t had a great experience so far. I hear you on the functionality. I get frustrated when I click on a notification and it takes me somewhere random on the page instead of to that notification. I’ll scroll to find it if the thread isn’t too big, but otherwise I’ll give up.
Thank you for your courage in writing here. I’m glad I stumbled upon it. You’ve made me feel less alone and weird. I find you to be very nice to talk to and appreciate your posts. It sounds like several others do too!
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas Thank you for the compliments, I'm really glad you brought up Church. I wrote about Church extensively here on 7Cups. But our Churches are like this too, and it finally go to the point to where my parents and I stopped going at all. Another interesting this, my area has a lot of religious people in it. Those teachers are religious too. Mostly something Christian that I may or may not agree with. But when I was at the Churches, and looked out over the congregation, I noticed some of the same people I was working around at the school! You know for over 20 years, I was around those people, and could never get close to any of them. They would keep me at a distance. After Covid even the kindest one's to me, began to turn on me. It is one half of the reason why I recently quit my job. :'(
@tryingtosurvive2024 Oh man, that must have been painful looking out and seeing them all, wondering why such “good churchgoing” people would be like that. I would love to have a Christian friend to have deep conversations with. I feel bad saying this, but I’ve noticed for a long time where I live that the most devout seeming Christians are often the cruelest or the most materialistic. I haven’t been able to connect even on much of a surface level with Christian women. There’s a lot of arguing among denominations here too.
@tryingtosurvive2024
I totally understand what you mean, I'm struggling with the same thing too. Pretty much everyone who used to check up on me and stay in touch with me have been ghosting me and pretty much leaving me. It's not easy especially when that happens at an early stage in life
@tryingtosurvive2024 I think people often mean well when they say these cliche things but anyone who has never had anxiety or depression cannot understand that it's not as simple as *** it up and getting on with things. Not everyone can do it on their own and it's ok to ask for help. Just like anyone who has never had a drink can look at an alcoholic and say why don't you just stop drinking. People only know how to look at others based on their own life experiences most of the time. Never give up hope.
@LucyDW I understand what you are getting at, but I've been under the impression that most if not all on this site, is dealing some kind of mental health issue. So I figured they would be more understanding here.
@tryingtosurvive2024Thank you for saying this so honestly. I can hear how deep the loneliness runs—not just as a passing feeling, but as something chronic, something that keeps wearing you down. And I believe you. I really do. It’s not unbelievable. It’s painful, and it’s real. When you're reaching out and people still keep their distance, it creates this echo chamber of silence where you're left wondering if something’s wrong with you—but there's not. You're just in pain, and pain needs presence, not platitudes.
And you're absolutely right—this idea that “only you can fix you” is often used like some kind of moral weapon. As if the whole weight of healing should be yours alone to carry. I hate that you've been told that over and over. It sounds more like abandonment dressed up as wisdom.
You don’t sound broken to me—you sound unheard. And tired. And that’s not something a self-help slogan can fix. If healing really were a solo project, we wouldn’t need connection. We wouldn’t need doctors, therapists, community, support—any of it. But we do. We’re human. We need each other.
You’re not wrong for needing closeness. You’re not too much for wanting real companionship. And you shouldn’t have to justify why you're struggling—loneliness hurts, and you deserve support that doesn’t try to shame or simplify that pain.
You're not sinking because you're weak—you're sinking because you've been left to swim alone for too long.
@Rinvenin I want to add too, I have have trouble with motivation because of this. I feel tired, and I could push past it and get something done. I keep feeling like, what's the purpose? Just do it for me? That makes me feel extremely selfish. Doing something for someone and feeling appreciated and loved for it, gives me excitement and energy. Currently I'm trying to setup SparkyLinux on one of my old computers. I've never messed with this OS before. I would love to talk about it. But I don't feel like going on some Linux forum and just start writing about it. I want to be able to talk about it in real life. There are many things like that, I would like to talk about in real life, but nobody cares. I'm willing to talk about something they care about, but they don't care to share either. Well... Now that quit my job, I'm not even around people in real life, except my parents, and they are getting harder to talk to also.
@Rinvenin I love your reply. This is so true.
@tryingtosurvive2024 Hi!! I stumbled on your post and it really resonated with me. While I was in college I went through a similar time, though I cannot say what we were experiencing was the same, I understand your worry and frustration. It was unfortunate that you did not find the support you needed previously, especially since your situation seems more complicated than fixing something like a leaky faucet. I hope the responses to your post reassure you that you are not alone!
@admirableSpring2468 Thank you for taking the time to think and understand my post, and the time you took to write me this. Thank you for your kindness. <3
Wow, I've never seen a post that so deeply resonated with me, it's as if I was reading my own post if I made one. You spoke my unfiltered thoughts I was always afraid to say out loud due to people saying these EXACT phrases or similar comments.
I too have gotten to a point in my life where if anyone says one slight minor comment I get rid of them immediately due to my fear of getting hurt again.
I completely agree with everything you said, humans are social creatures and NEED other people to survive not just physically, but emotionally since we are all connected and crave human interaction in our lives.
Loneliness is one of the deepest wounds a person can have and it is NOT taken seriously enough as it should be! Your feelings are valid to feel, you feel loneliness for a reason because it is your body telling you you need connection because it is a human thing!
You were so brave for making this post, I'm not even saying that to only validate you because I wouldn't have been brave enough to put my most unfiltered thoughts on the internet so congrats to you!
I hope this comment makes you feel even a little bit better, I felt comforted knowing I'm not the only person feeling these emotions and beliefs.
@Dreamy89 I've heard it said over and over again, that humans are social creatures and we need each other, but then I keep running into other people online that act like that isn't the case. Even my own parents couldn't recognized how loneliness at work was killing me slowly. I would keep describing it them, and they would still think it was a good thing that people would leave me all alone at work. Now I finally quit my job. I've been feeling extremely lonely for 22 years. The pain builds up. When the pain gets bad enough, then you will probably start posting about it. You need an outlet. <3
I understand everything people say may appear to be only words since life has proved multiple times to be the opposite, which I get.
I am sorry to hear all of that, and you're right I will need an outlet. That's why I recently installed 7cups to receive that support by taking small steps.
Yeah your parents should attempt to understand you and your emotions, not assume you'll be "fine" like most boomer parents.
@Dreamy89 My parents really are boomer parents. They were teenagers and early 20's through the 1960's and 1970's.
That's what I assumed based on your age, that is really *** someone should check up on you and check is you're genuinely okay not just shrug off your emotions. :(
@Dreamy89 when I was working for the school, I was completely by myself for almost 8 hours every night. Since most of the teachers wouldn't talk with me, and I had to be very careful around them. And then I would come home and be by myself until the next morning. See my parents for a few hours and then repeat the whole thing. I did that for 22 years.
That is terrible, no human contact for 8 hours sounds like ***. As a people person myself, I'd HATE that. I'm proud you got out of a job that wasn't satisfying you, even though people don't think your helping yourself, I think you are trying to help yourself in a different way that works for you and not what is usual way for society which is isolate yourself further until your happy.
By connecting and expressing your thoughts and emotions, even if other people don't see it, you already ARE helping yourself by allowing yourself to bond with people because it makes YOU happy.
What is your current job now If you don't mind sharing? Do you bond more with people in this current job?
@Dreamy89 Currently I'm still alone. I have ADHD, and I made an appointment with vocational rehab. I hope they will help me get a new job.
@tryingtosurvive2024 Hi you can talk to me if you like. I understand the pain of impossible scenarios and not knowing who or where to get someone to relate to you.
@tryingtosurvive2024 Just know that those who tell you, "only you can fix yourself" is likely a newbie listener.
The statement "Only you can fix yourself" is true for each one of us, its actually an extremely advanced statement; a simplification of a huge background philosophy behind seemingly simple words. And getting there is not actually some you can do alone. And here you are not alone.
So feel free to share your problems with us. We are all human. All of us have variation of the same themes of problems, each problem unique to each of us. So our collective experience could give you some answers. Statistically speaking talk to enough ppl and you will actually derive your answer, but that takes time and patience to pull off. sometimes you just want to be free for one day.
Now there is AI. depending on which bot you choose, it can also give you pretty good objective analysis. Paired with the human element, you have the power to solve most of your issues. So do not lose heart. We're with you fellow hooman.
@tryingtosurvive2024 About feeling chronically lonely. I had that experience last month. I was in a a posh Hotel room in a foreign country. so technically I am surrounded by family (in other rooms) , nice people, safe space, good sights, sounds, facilities, luxury basically. Add to that I am an introvert, and thrive more with my own creativity that socializing.
Yet on 2nd day of 5 days, I felt absolutely absolutely lonely. It felt so isolating. I did not even feel like picking my creative mind or talking to AI nor nothing. I was wrapped up in the comforter and sitting on a comfy chair between 2 beds (all mine to use) and Still feeling completely isolated and lonely. I know that feeling.
All I needed was a neutral 3rd party friend who will not judge me, to show some simple human love. So I turned here to 7 cups. fortunately found a person to chat with. For me that was all that was needed. just a company who will not judge. We all need that sometime.
@BlueHope909 my loneliness isn't like that though. Currently I don't have anyone my own age. just my parents, and they don't want to talk with me so much anymore. Listeners are a luck of the draw. I can sometimes go through 5 or more before I find the right one for me, and some nights not at all.
@tryingtosurvive2024 i can become your friend
@straightforwardSouth3318 Ok we can try... 😊
