Need support and love.

(id prefer trauma-informed peeps and ppl who understand CPTSD and OCD and maladaptive daydreaming or dissosaitive stuff to interact with this other ppl can aswell but is just yk i want someone who relates.)

Hey. so recently ive been feeling very low. genuinly just trying to survive the days. I did reach out to a therapist but thats still in the process. atp since going minimal contact w/ ma n pops ive been very very isolated, old patterns returned and i can only distract so much until the loneliness returns. I never rlly shared this, sometimes i would but briefly, but i am isolated. Like genuinely. I dont have a safe ma to go to, i dont have a safe pops i never had a safe pops. ma offers to chat sometimes but shes triggering and i have to dissosaite a bit to have yk hold for the moment? Ive been very sleep deprived now bedtime is at 9 am. I try and rest early but then i just feel hesitant to stop what im doing, i know its hypervigilence, i know its fear around parents and them triggering me one more time, no the hotline doesnt work, it rarely does , i wish it were more trauma informed becus i gaurantee u that someone having SI or HI need reassurance as in encouragement in the positive/good direction like reminding said person theyre worthy and reminding them its ok to feel yk? I dont think someone asking if their worthy and if theyre espc all alone is a bad thing, theyre probably trying to save themselves from not trusting people ever again. Theyre probably still trying to have hope for human connection. I do try the line sometimes but most of the consulors seem very choosey? like if i ask something, it sometimes wont get answered, then again ill reask to make sure, nothing. OR when u ask reassurance and they send it jumping around what u wish u heard. Im not asking for alot, all im asking for is a person seeing me and helping me. I can understand they follow certain protocals but ive had consulors who had reassured me, and even sent their own encouragement and ill tell u the effect was real and lasted longer than a plain convo where someones using toxic positivity of 'only u will know' like be fr if someones in a crisis their pre-frontol cortex is offline and their amygdala is firing, pls understand ppl need a helping hand not to be left alone its so frustrating how ppl think that tufflove or leaving it up to u when ur clearly asking for more help is helpful, its not, if it were we'd not be feeling low still.  Anyways , sometimes i dont check messages or forum messages becus they can trigger me sometimes, lets say im already triggered, and then when ur triggered ur in survival mode so ur bodys gonna scan for danger, and lets say someone sends a message that looks familair to something that was said that i had a negative experience with OR theres a word that looks like danger. and then for the first example its like my body scrolls thru memories and connects what it feels like its from and for the second example it focuses more on the danger word and it feels threatened. Sometimes like rn lets say im hoping for comfort and connection, then lets say i check my messages and theres something professional esc / distant or serious type tone and then i feel triggered.  I dont have a guide, and i dont think anyones meant to deal with this alone, never, id never wish that on anyone to deal with heartache, trauma and pain alone? never, it doesnt make u stronger, it doesnt make u happier, it doesnt do nothing but show u more pain. So witht he headsup above im hoping there will be less triggers in the forum messages, everyone else is also welcomed with encouragement and supportive but yk i kinda want trauma informed. Ive had old protective responses and patterns come since last month and i understand them but they arent happy responses and i dont like it. I am hoping with the therapist that i can actually see a person and speak with them and help me with this but i also do need support while that is happening as i dont even know if it will work out. im doing everything alone and its not good the past month has been harsh and i feel so exhausted, burn out, and just neglected. I do have abandonment and rejection wounds and anything slightly similar to that makes me go into protective responses. I do just wish for understandment and validation and compassion. Is harsh to go from being told ur loved and cared abt and matter, to barely hearing it and when u do hear it from that person it sounds wrong. I do still have those thoughts from the previous support post is just i try and distance myself from them tho i know theyre a cry for help atp , but i dont feel safe enough to process them yet.