Profound sense of loneliness/confusion
I feel so lonely. I have no friends, honestly I'm ok with that but the people (my family) who are in my life are making me feel worse and worse. Mostly my dad but they all have hurt my feelings a lot.
I made an account for my art and gained like 500 followers in 3 days but I don't really know if I enjoy it. It's cool people like my art but art was never something I enjoyed doing. I just do it because it felt like the only thing I could cling onto when everything else felt so bleak. Idk. I feel like it's just a coping mechanism. I honestly feel like my whole life has just been spent fighting to not feel completely terrible. I wish my family loved me. They don't know how I really feel. I wish they knew but it'd probably blow everything up. I don't like being a guy. I wish I wasn't born like this. I wish something or someone could fix it... Could fix me the easy way. Instead I'm a queer person stuck in a bigoted house hold. Everyone I know assumes I'm a straight cis male... I wish people could see the real me that only exists in my art work and music. I feel so burnt out. I don't want to make people or constantly make me feel terrible feel happy anymore... Is this abusive? Is what I keep asking but idk. I feel like with all I've been through there's no point. I feel so depressed. I don't know how to be what people want. I wish I wasn't born. This feels so pointless. I don't mean to bring anything down. I'm just feeling like I'm crawling to get out of a 10000 feet deep hole but I keep slipping and falling back to the bottom again. I'm sick of my dad being racist, homophobic, controlling, paranoid, say violent and hurtful things, saying degrading things about women and everything else. I honestly don't care how the person around him act. I feel like he is a bad person and he is an enabler and likes to keep people down and control everything. I'm sick of it. He doesn't want me to be anything. I hate my body. I hate my life. I hate this trailer park. I hate my food service job. I hate that I constantly lie all the time.
@agreeableSkies9889 It saddens my heart reading everything you're going through. *sighs* I can't even begin to imagine the hurt and pain you're going through and feeling on a daily basis. I'm sorry you're hurting inside so much. I'm sorry you feel like you can't be the true you! This has got to be so exhausting! 😞
As for your art, I wanted to congratulate you on gaining such a great amount of followers in such a short period of time. 👏 This speaks volumes about you. I know you mentioned you use it as a coping mechanism, but if I may put my 2 cents in here... if it's an outlet where you can truly express yourself and being, why not continue? To me it seems that as an escape is healthier than bottling things inside.
Sometimes life doesn't always go as we hope or envision. When we find that taking place, it's up to us to decide which path we want to go? I didn't get a chance to visit your page so I'm not sure if you're a teen or an adult. But I know all situations in our real lives are different and sometimes difficult to get out of. Whatever it stopping you, I hope you find the strength and courage 💪 inside of you. I hope life changes for you for the best. I hope you find happiness, success, wealth, healing, forgiveness, love, acceptance, and peace. I hope you can be yourself truly and free and know that there are people who love you and accept you. I'm sorry if you feel you're not receiving that from your dad and others currently in your life.
From stranger to stranger, I will be including you in my prayers tonight when I get ready to sleep. Believe that. ❤️ Take care and hang in there! Xoxo.
Thank you so much!!! This is such a nice comment
@agreeableSkies9889 You're so welcome! 🙏💙
Hello even though it may not seem it you have a lot to be blessed for. You have a job in an economy where people don’t have jobs. You have a roof over your head when some dont. Try gratitude and being positive and choosing joy. If I rattled off everything I hate about myself I’d be negative and loathe myself. But for me personally may not be applicable to you and that’s fine my belief in my higher power has me knowing there’s more for me beyond and I have to work for that on earth. Be happy with what you have before you are blessed with more. Stay present and stop wishing for everything and think “how lucky I am” that you have the sun the moon the sky the ocean. I have been working on positivity and people hate that. But at least im not miserable.
I'm sorry but I am not lucky. I've been sexually assaulted as a child and harassed as an adult. I've delt with an eating disorder, suicidal thoughts, self harm, gender dysphoria, emotional mental and educational neglect by my parents growing up, very low income, no hope of a future career out side of a part time job, bad eye sight, racist and homophobic relatives, adults making fun of my body growing up, extreme debilitating anxiety, I have no friends, I've have a lot of trauma, bad depression, psychosis, and problems with overstimulation. Believe me I've been as positive as I can be. There is nothing to be grateful for, I'm barely scraping by because of people who have been hurting me my whole life and I have no hope of ever breaking free. Maybe things will get better or maybe it'll get worse idk but I definitely have very good reasons to feel how I do. If I was away from this I'd be a lot happier. This feels like a very religious perspective that people in my life have pushed "it could always be worse" is a terrible coping mechanism and trying to tell yourself "I'm ungrateful" is frankly damaging. That's actually language that my therapist at a psych ward told me to not use for the exact reason.
I have gone through all the same things. And I was sharing what helped me. Gratitude is not for everyone. But what I started doing was thinking about things I loved doing and that brought me joy. Then I started watching the sunsets and sunrise and weather like rain and it makes me so glad to see those simple things. Thinking about my favorite things helps and having that list on hand to distract me or for me reading and listening to music help me more than anything. Coping skills help.
@kitten006 I totally see exactly where you are coming and parts of me can agree with you. Yes, it does seem that OP does have things to be grateful for on the surface... but see the thing is, we really never know what a person has really gone through. Most aren't going to disclose everything. I believe everything in life happens for a reason, good and bad! (My personal belief that it leads me to where I need to be. My belief that it contributes to who I am today.) But sometimes when people are hurting, they feel stuck. What you may see as "good" may not be good to them.
Even with a current roof over head... what good is the physical shelter when inside the home all kinds of abuse or dark things can be taking place? Mistreatment, no love, struggling to stay alive?
Even with living parents... what good is it when it's the ones who are supposed to love you tearing you down, breaking you down, hurting you on so many levels, etc?
See kitten, we have to remember that not everyone has the same story or experience. We all go through things. Some things you may have gone through that God delivered you from you, shielded and protected you from. Changed you. Healed you. And hence, why you or I can believe how we think.
But some people are currently going through the storm and pain and hurting and don't see a way out yet. Some people have to get through this, experience certain things, learn a lesson, grow, heal, and then get back up and start over. But it takes time. We have to be patient.
Sweet reminders, love, encouragement, compassion, sympathy, empathy, and all that stuff is good and all... ❤️ But not to the point we dismiss a person's current feelings and emotions. All the emotions-- no matter how unpleasant or depressing-- are valid and people have the right to heal. To be angry. To feel hate or pain temporary. To be sad. Whatever it is. We just have to remind that while things may be difficult now... remind them of their strength they possess. ❤️
Again, I like to think I can understand your way of thinking. I relate and share similar in way of thinking but on the other side, we have to be mindful of how we come off. I know you mean no harm. But I want you to know that I am proud of you and I wish you happiness, positive blessings in life, and continued growth. Stay blessed. ❤️
I actually sometimes give half answers and im working on that. I did add it’s not for everyone but I have gone through almost the same thing as OP. So it could have hurt me growing up but I chose other ways that helped me and make me sane. I grew up with an abusive mom and in a household where she wasn’t kind. I know sometimes you cannot do anything about it. But there’s something to recognizing and being aware not everyone has a parent. I understand rather not wanting one at all. But that way shattered me. I saw my parents go through losing a parent recently and so I figured Man how lucky I am to have them alive no matter how messed up they are. I personally chose positivity and joy because being miserable was hurting me. I went through a lot of similar stuff and am around 30 so. It takes healing but it’s possible to overcome it with positivity. Prayer to higher power whoever that may be for you helped me. Just knowing my higher power is there to listen at least. Self soothing helped like music and reading. Watching videos i wouldnt recommend but I work out as well at home by walking. A good walk in nature sometimes helps. Check body needs am I tired angry hungry. And meet those needs. DBT helped me so much. I will be praying for OP.
@kitten006 I'm happy to read your response. Please forgive me if you felt some type of way. I'm so glad you shared what worked for you. After reading everything, all I can say is you an inspiration. ❤️
You said, "I personally chose positivity and joy because being miserable was hurting me."
I absolutely 💯 love this for you! I can't tell you how happy this makes me to hear that you chose this route! And like I said, I do agree with you on many ways of thinking. I, too, opt to choose to try and be positive when I know dwelling in pain and misery was only hurting me more. It's great that you found joy and love enter your heart despite what all you've gone through. ❤️ This is beautiful of you. It's just, we have to allow people to be different and let them choose the path for them.
As for loss of a parent or even having not so good ones, I'm someone who has encountered both. My mother died almost 20 years, and, imo, hurting and grieving here on Earth while living hurts a lot worse than losing the actual person. If you ask another, they will say cherish your parents. You only get one pair and it's a loss you don't want to imagine. But sometimes people already grieve a loss of a parent while their alive because they never got to experience being a kid loved by a mom and dad unconditionally. So they missed out on that.
Sometimes we can try and help person avoid certain things in life and certain pains, help offer a new perspective and way of thinking (I'm guilty of this), but ultimately it's up to the person to have to hit their breaking point where they say enough is enough and just do something different.
Life really is a gift from God. ❤️ And just being here to have free will and to breathe and live is something to be grateful. But even then life has beat some people so down they don't know what to do. I'm with you, kitten-- big on prayer. I did include OP in my special prayers last night/wee hours 🙏. I have a lot of respect for you and I am really happy and proud of you. ❤️
Thank you so much for praying for me 💗
@agreeableSkies9889 It was my honor to do so! ❤️ No thanks needed. 😀 Hoping today is better for you. Xoxo.
Heavenly Father we ask you bring forth blessings anything OP needs god we ask you give what her needs are. Help her step into a life filled with friends and finding family and finding everything she needs everything god or whomever this person identifies. Help her find kind people wanting to help and people who want the best for her. I understand her pain and for her I ask you take it lord and replace it with love and mercy and understanding and show her joy. Pockets of joy. In our lords name amen.
Thanks for response yes. It worked for me. I don’t know if OP will work for. I will be praying for you OP. You deserve a safe shelter and all good things in life like everyone else. But also acceptance. Accepting this is my life and it’s messy worked. Accepting where I am at and being happy in the moment. I did daily self reflections which are on my social media. But yes I lost almost all my family from a very young age. Not a parent but great grandparents and losing a grandparent and several aunts and uncles. It’s been hard with also being controlled etc but choosing joy worked for me. I read from Joyce myers that anyone can choose joy and she said you could choose it today and now I do.
@agreeableSkies9889
Hello, I'm so sorry you have felt all those, but know that you are not alone...it may feel like that, yes, but I'm sure there will be other people you know who care for you too...or here, on Cups. You can talk to listeners that will do their best to care, and listen for you. You didn't deserve being treated like that, not at all.
That was a hard journey you have experienced. But I also thought of a positive thing for you. This is my only thought though, but I hope it can somewhat help:> and of course, you can always agree or disagree. After all just my opinions💖🫂
I read the passages that's you said after all you have been thought it feels pointless. Something like that. But I see something good in you. As you said you kept crawling and you will fall again to like a rock bottom. That means there's a part in you that fights for you. But you said you feel like you kept fighting life did I heard/read it right?😭 Oh yeah, you kept fighting so life won't be terrible. Fighting for me is trying. You're doing your best, so fighting! Never lose your hope. It's disappointing to see when you all fall in rock bottom after trying again, but there's always hope and light along the way from you.
And those times of hard things you experienced? I see no pointless at all. I see a purpose. I know you have a purpose in life because here you are in this world. Don't let people or your family get into you. But also forgive them, and yourself if ever you have something that made you guilty. You are loved, always and are wonderfully made. I see you are a wonderful person!!🫂💖 Here, flowers for ya!💐 And your body is precious at all. And after I read all your message, I feel sad because I feel how it is so hurtful...how your father treat you, how you feel. But a part of me thought you were never alone and you have someone who could fix you. I thought first of God, but I'm worried if youre not a Christian or religious. That's fine heheh after all, I said all my opinion😁😉✨ But as someone who cries to God, there's a promise he said. That he will never leave, nor forsake us, he's there and I know he's there for you too whether you believed or not, Because He loves you, and you are so loved💖 And two other promises are come to me who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. And the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. It made me think this, because you said you wish someone could fix you, and I thought God can.
But again, all my thoughts and just sharing Gods promises hehehe and you can agree to disagree:> sending hugs, warm wishes and prayers for you!!🫂💖✨
Ahh again! I forgot ehheh you said "I don't know how to be what people want." And that made me think, "No, you don't have to be what people want...bwcause if you keep chasing how people want you to be, you'll be tired and grow weary. Because every people is different and you'll constantly gonna chase who they want you to be." So, be yourself! Show and express who you are! 🦸 As a popular saying, YOLO, so live your life!! You only live once💐
Take care, again, sending hugs and you are not alone he
re🫂💖
Honestly I do wish to believe in God. I did and I still want to but a lot of the church has really hurt me deeply and influenced my parents in bad ways. They were part of multiple Christian cults... Idk... I do believe in Jesus but I don't really feel like I'd be forgiven or that I would be accepted in the Christian community. Honestly I'm trans, and that's just how it is. I'm in the closet but I'm realizing that I can't change it and hold it back is only making my mental health 100% worse. I would totally forgive my parents in a heartbeat btw... I love them but the problem is they're currently acting terrible and I've given up on my Dad ever changing. Thanks for writing this all out. It means a lot and I do have a therapist btw so I'm getting so help but therapy isn't a solution and it only helps so much
@agreeableSkies9889
Oh wow you're so sweet and kind I'm very glad to hear from you! Thank you for responding:> and hmm as I have read again, you said you believe in Jesus, so I believed you there too. But you said a lot of Church have hurted you, I'm so sorry again. But again, I thought of something. As someone who doesn't go to church often, due to my parents being busy and doesn't go much, and some churches made me pressure to join them because they said they're the true Church, I thought of something. "Church won't save you, Relationship with Jesus with" and so, I stopped pressuring myself on Churches and just on God. Based on my experience only.
And I thought of this too heheh you don't have to go to Churches, don't mind them. After all they're just humans and people too. I'm not perfect, so are they, and the fact that they're judging you for who you are is not so good. So, just keep expressing yourself!! Be you, be youtiful, because you're beautiful! And no, don't hold yourself back, express it. And I know you're also loved still that way and forgiven. Just on my thoughts and opinions again.
And you're always welcome!🫂💖💐Glad your therapist can be a help! Sending lots of lo
ve🍃💖
@peachSky2182 My opinion here--- whoa!!!! *mouth drops in awe* This was such a real, raw, heartfelt, beautiful read! 🥰 Absolutely beautiful. I truly hope it makes its way to OP's heart and that they receive it wholeheartedly. 💯
PS: Have you ever considered being a listener? 😀 Your words of support here is just 👏! Wow. God bless you always. 🙏
Thank you. Not really lol. I'm too busy and too focused on my own problems lol. I like talking to some people on here but I don't know if I'd really want to be a listener or not. Maybe 👀
Hi, @agreeableSkies9889
Thats alright, there's no pressure to be a listener! And that's good you like talking! And you said maybe, so if ever you would, rooting for ya!!🤩💐
@YourCaringConfidant hello sissy! Thank you so much for this support of yours heheh I appreciate it a lot! This is so sweet to hear💖 and made me glad. And I wish too, I wish for the recovery after everything the agreeableskies been through.
And heheh I had considered that too, and actually wanted to try and help as I can, thank you so much for your thoughts and encouragement! God bless you too sissy!
But a part of me is worrying if I can handle it huhu because I was still recovering on my side. But, a part of me wants to help too, so this is such a good thought to consider!! Thank you so much!! Theres boundaries after all, so if I will do, I would write in description what I can handle for now! Ohh yes! Thats right!! Thanks you so much!!🤩💐💖🫂
@peachSky2182 You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned boundaries! Yessss! This is exactly it. The good thing about being a volunteer listener is it's something you do on your own time, when your emotionally ready, willing, and available to give yourself to supporting others. There's never any pressure. 😀 I just read your comment to OP and was just like "wow". It was beautiful. Putting myself in someones shoes, it's the kinda thing I would find comfort in. Bless your heart and your efforts in helping OP. It was so sweet of you. Nice coming across you through the forums. Have a nice night/day. Hi, I'm Desiree, btw. 😀
@YourCaringConfidant Thank you so much for all of this, Desiree! And for the reasurance! I needed that Nice coming across you too in forums and all your supports in me there! Have a nice day/night too, and bless your heart and efforts in helping too. And you have a same name to my teacher back then hehe so beautiful!!
@agreeableSkies9889 Hello! Reading your post, I have to say that your raw and open honesty about your feelings and situation is really moving. Facing such trials in your life and struggling through it all is a weight that no one deserves to bear. It makes perfect sense that you are feeling the way that you do.
That being said, although I don't know you, I am proud of you for using your art (which you seem to have a talent for!) as a healthy outlet for what you are feeling and for trying your best to stay as positive as you can throughout all this. I get the sense that you haven't totally given up on life. You want better for yourself and yearn for acceptance and love.
I don't have the answers to your problems, but I wish I could give you a big hug! I am genuinely rooting for you and hope that you find the peace you deserve in your life! Even if those around you are hurtful and make you feel isolated, I hope you can strengthen the love you have for yourself. There is nothing inherently WRONG with you! You are worthy of love even if you are the only one who can give that love to yourself right now.
I really hope that your situation improves in time and that you find true joy, love and peace in your life. 💜
Thank you so much ❤️
*hugs* I’m here <3
@jesusredeemedme2425 The sweetest Kiara. 🥰😍
@agreeableSkies9889我也是，我很伤心。。。
@pinkSpring8370 So sorry you're feeling sad too. 😔 Hope things get better for you. 🤗👐🫂
Sorry to hear you're sad. If you want talk about it more I could do my with Google translate to understand ❤️❤️❤️ you're not alone
You have friends. You have me. ;) <3
Thank you. I do view you as a friend. I guess I just mean irl. I have a lot of online friends but, I don't know many people in my area that I connect with. It bothers me maybe more than it should
I feel the same. Does Meetup have any good groups in your area? Or library events?
What is meet up?
You’ve never heard of Meetup???? Hehe
Look it up! It’s got TONS of groups where people hang out <3 I’m assuming you’re in the US, yeah?
Yeah I am. I'll check it out thanks ❤️ Hope your doing better ❤️ if not that's ok 🫂
@agreeableSkies9889
Define better. lol
@agreeableSkies9889
lowk i feel you (on some parts), and i went thru/am going thru something similar, you just gotta be yourself. everyone's gonna hate you for it, but you'll be happier, it's a huge weight off your shoulders, and you'll find what matters to you, and people who care
