Sleep. Why do you elude me? Anyone else up?

I was pretty much fine, all day. Until it was time for bed. Which is late for most people, early for me. 2am. I went upstairs, got into bed, and my heart was beating fast, then seemed to slow to... too slow. I started to feel a shaky feeling inside. Looked for a chat. A meditation. A friend still up. No dice. Put on some spa music. Fell asleep for a bit, then woke with that same heart racing, jittery, trembly feeling. I have had night terrors, and general sleep issues going back to childhood. Its almost to the point, I fear leaving the house, though its where abuse happened but suffocates me too. I also fear going to sleep for the same reason I fear most things, like drugs, alcohol: I am afraid of that moment you are no longer in control of your mind/body.

For history: cptsd, bpd, did, trauma. Abandonment is a recurring theme in my life and unhinges me. I wasn't raised by my parents, but in the last 4 years I have had 3 tragic deaths in the family to suicide, an abusive relationship that ended (i realize this should be a good thing but he was also my only support and left), lost the woman who did raise me, my only child, and a new relationship with a classmate ghosted me.

When I was involved with the classmate, I was in a freeze state, with dissociation and dp/dr so constant that the did was leading to uncovering the presence of other alters. The abandonment and ghosting of my 2 main supports lead to worsening of the DID. Ive been experiencing switching for the first time and the alters...being known for the 1st time. Its a horrible, anxiety provoking experiencing that I isolate even more than I am, and feel out of control of... everything.

I hate to say it but the baby is the worst. She doesn't have the ability to speak at all. She communicates in images and feelings, so thoughts are no longer in words. Which is primarily anxiety, fear, such sadness at having no one. She is very difficult to comfort. The feeling of co consciousness is still so very taxing on my mind and body. I understand this isn't a standard situation so you don't have to understand, if you could just drop a word or two to comfort, I'd appreciate it. The movies the adventures of Winnie the pooh is a great comfort and drop dead Fred. What about you?