Spilling the Tea

And now look at you..... Gotta go get a mop to clean up the tea. (big cuppa)

It went well. I’ve been home with out complications 🤞 My incision looks amazing-can hardly see it. It’s all those pesky muscles and nerves that need to re-group. Plus, I am making new bone (it was a fusion in my neck). I understand this takes a lot of energy. Rest, food, etc. I go for an additional X-ray in October to see if my body has started the process there. 

It’s the “don’t over do it” and “you shouldn’t be so tired”. Ok? So what should I be doing?? (Just had blood work done-appt Thursday to “discuss results”)

Life is slllloooooowwww. I’m so used to hustle. Run around doing everything top to bottom plus working full time. I think I have too much time in my own darn head. I don’t know what to do for myself sometimes. How to occupy myself. And in those moments, I get down on myself. Start telling my self “I’m a loser” “a failure” “suck at life” but when I literally just challenged those thoughts and looked up the EXACT definitions, I don’t fit into them.

My neck is not in the best shape. I really really one more time REALLY hope there are no more surgeries in my future. 

I’m really hopeful for the new job. I hope it helps physically and mentally. 

@peachthinker I have to agree with so many others here. You are not weak or a wimp. You're healing in many different ways in many different areas. Your body is going to be tired. But you know .. you got a new job. You're getting things done. Maybe it's not as fast as you'd like but you're still doing it. You still are a warrior Peach. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself and your body time to adjust to being pain free. Build yourself up slowly. You'll get there. I have no doubt about that ❤️

@peachThinker662

I empathise entirely with the sort of emotions and thoughts you may be encountering. Spinal surgery is an exercise in anxiety build-up. Not only is there the concerns over the procedure itself and the potential outcomes, but all the other effects it has both pre and post surgery regarding every aspect of ones life. The change in activity afterwards and the healing process can be tedious, uncomfortable, and at times upsetting. It is natural that we look to who we were and what we could do before it became necessary to have the operation. When the effects spill into our work lives, that has a further knock-on effect on our self esteem and may even mean looking to the future becomes a more worrying prospect. 

But then there are aaaaaaaaallllllll the positives.... a successful surgery! Huzzah! Alleviation of symptoms from before the surgery. Double Huzzah! Steady progress that can act as a motivator and reason to feel confident and proud. Yippeeee!!! Hopefully a positive improvement in quality of life from where you were pre-surgery compared to where you are now. Booyah!! 

I know it can be frustrating and sometimes disheartening, but each day you are inching towards a little bit better. Healing takes time. I still am not immune to the fits of pique when my own recovery rate doesn't match my expectations. There are days when it is tempting to throw my toys out of the pram and have a good sulk. But I remind myself the following (which I hope might also comfort you too), that the spine is doing an amazing job with what it has been put through, so it deserves a helping hand by letting it rest where appropriate and doing the physio it needs. 

So, from one visitor of the meat-mechanics to another, I wish that your recovery path is swift, and that you get back to doing all the things you want to as soon as possible. 

I am feeling the same, I lost my health and Jon after an abusive marriage. Though I got the divorce. It took me time to even get better. I separated two years, divorce was finalized recently. I took away my health, money, job, my sanity.. I isolated myself socially. I wanted to avoid questions and speculations. And now when I have no earnings or friends. I wonder what happened..

You will be and feel better, you will find other things that fill you with joy and soon enough you will be recovered and free of anxiety. Sending you healing vibes ❤️💪

I needed the kind words. You are all so correct. I DO feel 110% better than before the surgery. My quality of life is better. I can cook, I can drive, I can walk. I can do many things on the list. I can keep moving forward too. some days it just gotta harder than others… I appreciate you hearing me out and offering such kind words ❤️

@peachThinker662

Life goes on.  For me my experience with anxiety is like an on/ off switch.  Some days are okay. Some days are not.  But as much as it is hard to really face each day with all the problems.  I stand up still fighting for life. Fighting for my right to live.  Fighting against obstacles and hurdles that I faced in life.  Trying to find beauty and happiness though sometimes it's really hard.  

I look at my past self too. I wonder a lot what am I doing with my life.  I ask myself questions if I will be successful, will I find solutions to my worries.  Did I do something wrong back then so I ended up in this situation.  So many questions each day. 

But I just keep holding on and try not to think about tomorrow.  Just live for the present day.  Get through everything.

I’m lying in bed bawling my eyes out. I went to sleep really late. Despite being so tired. I’m letting things consume me. Like a very close friend sending me an obnoxious text message last night, wanting to see the Dr tomorrow, and how I felt yesterday.

Today is a new day right?

😢 I had an awful migraine Monday…and it’s just been icky mood since. My stomach is in knots. Muscle tension? Because some of my labs are off?

I’m lucky it’s fixable things and my body just needs fuel. Grateful for that. And that I was proactive in getting them done. Advocated for myself.

I just don’t know how to fix things with my friend. She’s been in my life for so long but there’s so many things I’ve this last year that has been very off putting.

It’s ok to start my day later? It doesn’t have to be at 8am?

I guess I can’t tell if my body is telling me to rest or to move??

@peachThinker662 What you’ve shared really speaks to the incredible strength you’ve already shown. Spinal surgery, months of recovery, and the ups and downs of trying to step back into work is not easy, and it makes so much sense that you’d feel anxious, exhausted, and even question yourself at times. But please know that feeling this way does not mean you’re failing. It means you’re human, healing, and navigating something life-changing.

That photo of you after the 5k obstacle course, that glowing smile and mud-streaked warrior, that wasn’t a one-time version of you. That spirit is still inside you. Right now it might feel buried under exhaustion and uncertainty, but it hasn’t disappeared. If you could push through grief, disappointment, and tough times then, you can rise again now.

Every small step forward you take, even on the days it feels like two steps back, is still progress. You’re rebuilding not just your strength but also a new chapter of your life. The job you’re working toward, the hope you’re holding onto, and the courage it took to share this all point to the fact that you haven’t given up.

Hold onto the truth that things can and will improve. The anxiety can lessen, your energy can return, and your spirit can feel free again. You’ve already proven you’re a warrior. That same resilience will carry you through this too.