💗 how are you, really? 💗

Well, I am feeling quite good about myself. Have been doing a lot of mental work lately and clearing up cognitive distortions that came from a mentally abusive childhood. It has been hard at times as I saw a hypervigilant and hostile thinking in myself, and felt that I needed to change so many things which I assumed normal about myself. I am about a year into this journey of change and I am seeing results with cognitive restructuring. At times it has felt overwhelming when healing didnt come on the spot instantly. But feeling good, and after a lot of the negative beliefs have gone I feel excited to see the world again in a new light. I feel i have the capacity to handle any hard time. 

@LexListens2025 I’m feeling invisible and used. I’ve spent years learning how to like myself, healing the wounds I didn’t cause, and learning how to honor myself but I still choose people who show me how disposable I am. People who have no problem taking with no intention of reciprocating. 

My “friends” don’t check in on me and haven’t in several years; the phone only works one way apparently. I deleted my social media accounts almost two years ago and no one even noticed, often even referencing a post they “shared” with my long-deleted account. I have no contact with 100% of my family, by choice, and my only outlet is my twice a month therapy sessions which tend to focus more on my therapist’s life than my own. 

I’m lonely, I’m alone, and I feel the only value I have anymore is what I can do for others but no one cares what needs I have and the burden of being a burden is becoming too much to carry. 

Not good

Theres lots of mean people out there, i feel like ppl treat me as if im replacable or try to make me smaller or even force me to be smaller. I know i should say something in some situations but im scared ill upset someone and get called too much or yelled at. It still feels like im trying to find home but i cant. Im so tired i wont lie ive lostmyselfits all just weathersof emotions infrontofme

@LexListens2025 I learned 20 years ago that there was no point in living, I basically haven't moved from the chair I'm sitting in for the past five years, my wife thinks punching me in the face and wounds from recent surgery is acceptable, and I probably have cancer, so I wake up every morning thinking about death as well as neglect to go to sleep at night, thinking of the self same. I managed to lose 100 pounds in only about 2 months and everyone just assumes I'm using my wife because I can walk, so OBVIOUSLY I could get a job. If I had a single ounce of courage, I'd take this into my own hands, but not even deep down, RIGHT there on the surface I'm a coward, so I get to wake up each day just to count the seconds until either this unknown cancer or complications from my multitude of surgeries finally kill me, and everyone just tells me to go with a non existent God and get over it. My life if a joke I have definitely been the butt of.

@LexListens2025 pressure, yk when someone keeps testing you and pushing you to ur limit and past? yeh. hypervigilence, pain, sadness, loneliness, 

@LexListens2025 I am feeling relaxed rn

exhausted