The disconnect that comes with being trans
Hey, just wanted to post this to see how others relate to it/to see if anyone has any advice to give with how to cope with it.
I’ve been really bothered by the feeling of disconnect I have to feel on a daily basis just because I’m trans and cannot come out to the majority of my family. I go by my actual name that I chose and my actual identity at work, whenever I’m out with my friends, and whenever I’m out and about in public- but as soon as I get home (because it’s just too expensive to move out despite me being in my 20s,) I just have to instantly revert back to who everyone thinks I am- the deadname, the assumed roles I’ll play in my life, just having to nod my head and lie and pretend, make up stories every single day just to fit the narrative that I am who they assume me to be just to keep the peace.
I feel so lonely and isolated and disconnected. Like I’m just in the backseat of my own body watching my family interact with a doll as if it’s real. I don’t even really respond automatically to my deadname anymore, it takes genuine effort for me sometimes to remember and recognize that they’re talking to me when they use it. I never actually feel like they’re talking to me- seeing me.
Does anyone else feel this way? How do you deal with it? Especially when you have to be around people like this constantly without the option to come out or leave?
@ConureConnor I'm so very sorry you're going through so much 🙁 pretending to be someone you're not, especially in spaces like family where you deserve to feel safe being you, can be so isolating and exhausting, your feelings are completely valid, and they matter — you truly matter 💖
Please be gentle with yourself ❤️ I'm so glad that you're here, and opening up, instead of bottling things inside. I hope you find some helpful insights from ppl who've been through similar situations. You don't have to carry it all alone, we're all here for you. Sending you lots of love and *Big hugs* 🐾💕
@ConureConnor
My experience coming out was much different, in that I came out all at once to everyone; that said, the disconnect you are feeling is very real, and something I struggled with for a long time without knowing why. I always felt like I was choosing personality traits that didn't fit me. Like, if I look like that or talk like them, maybe I will be "man enough." To go back to your doll analogy, it felt like I was picking pieces from the wrong box.
Honestly, I didn't cope with that disconnect very well. Now that I'm out, it's easier because I can be myself openly. I guess the thing that helps me most is being in comfortable spaces where I can be myself without fear of judgment or something worse. 7 Cups has helped in my mental health journey in that regard: I know I can be open and honest in a way that I can't with everyone. Of course, you can find similar communities elsewhere too!
In situations where I don't feel like I can be myself, I retract -- I don't speak much, make myself smaller, and try to leave as quickly as possible. I don't know that this is the best solution, but maybe someone else can speak on that. I try to limit my time in those spaces, and if possible, find ways to comfort myself when I am in them.
I have no idea if any of this helps. I really just wanted to let you know that this is common in the Queer community, and no matter what: you are not alone, and you are loved!
@ConureConnor Absolutely have felt this way (and sometimes still do). Sometimes I don't deal with it and end up wallowing. This was often the case when I was in a less supportive environment and still sometimes the case now that I'm in a better place.
What worked for me was imagining my ideal self—confident, proud, gentle—watching over the vulnerable, scared, blunted person I was forced to be in my everyday life. In my mind, she would visit me on a windswept hill—green grass, blue sky, lumbering clouds. She was gentle with me. She understood why I had to hide, but she could also see the person I was in my heart. Because she was that person. And I was that person, even if I could only see her clearly in that place in my mind.
Maybe that doesn't make sense, and that may or may not work for you. But I think finding ways to 1) stay in touch with yourself and 2) be gentle to yourself are helpful.
I haven't come out to friends and family yet. Though there are times when, inside my mind, I correct them when they use my birth name.
For me, at home (I live alone) is my safe place. After going out wearing clothes that don't indicate gender, I come home and put on a more feminine outfit and sigh in relief...
I don't like going out much. I often don't feel comfortable when I'm out and can't wait till I get home.
I don't want to hide who I am all the time, but don't yet feel okay enough to go all out. Don't know when I will feel strong enough.
