Confession
I have a confession. It is deeply personal. I rarely share this about myself, so I would appreciate kindness.
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in about 2013. I had my mental break down after attending university for a year. I learned a lot, but I think it overloaded me.
For about a year, it felt like I couldn't think. The absence of thought is very hard to explain. The whole thing was bizarre and confusing. Schizophrenia is frightening.
It was later rediagnosed as schizo-affective.
However, now, after having learned about myself and my conditions, I don't feel I suffer. My thoughts are not scattered. I don't jump from topic to topic. Rather, I have clarity. I can think clearly.
It seems obvious to me.
The broken are diamonds in the rough. It sounds cliche. Hear me out.
I think it's clear to see how empowered and active one becomes after overcoming struggle. After living in long darkness, the light is precious. If one makes sense of their thoughts, amazing things happen.
Therefore, if you have an immense burden, like schizophrenia, but you manage to shake it, make sense of it, then the knowledge that there is reason in "madness" is compelling. The world looks different now. More promising.
The world we live in is not random. There is a sense to it. Even in schizophrenia, there is an underlying logic. Things don't happen for no reason.
I often weep for those with schizophrenia. I can't imagine very well what their world is like, with its persistent stream of shifting thoughts. It must be hard to keep on track, get things done. And the way the world looks at the schizophrenic, like they have no purpose, breaks my soul.
@jesusredeemedme2425
@Amanda84
@Creamyyy
@Torean
@azurePond
@BastionKnight
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
@cyanessence
Thank you for trusting me !
Thank you for sharing!
I'm glad you found a space where you can be truly you
Your vulnerability and strength only make me warm to you more .
A good friend, I consider you!
💕💜
@Amanda84
Thanks, Amanda. Because sometimes, the world makes me feel as if I don't make sense.
@cyanessence
The world hasnt yet fully comprehended who you are or caught on to how amazingly special you are 💜
@Amanda84
I had a go at writing something. I thought you might enjoy.
I was broken, yet I rise
I was scattered, yet I stand
In the fall of hair and the water’s shine
I find my soul returned to hand
What was shadow gives me light
What was fracture makes me whole
Even shallow waters hold the sky
Even silence shelters soul
Blessed be the blade, the brush, the breath
Blessed be the stilling stream
From my weakness blooms my strength
From my burden, clarity’s gleam
I was broken, yet I rise
I was scattered, yet I stand
And in the mirror’s quiet glass
I learn again to understand
@cyanessence
A true definition of what it means to fully embrace who you are and what youve been through!
Never let the world dull your uniqueness!
And you are right, I've loved reading this 😁
@cyanessence
Your wonderful mind always allows me to expand mine 🥰
@Amanda84
Haha, it feels that way. I've noticed you come up with incredible insight on your own. It feels new, fresh.
@cyanessence
Thank you 💕
Thanks for finding me worthy of sharing this. I dont know what it feels to be psychizophrenic. But I had some intense delusions as part of my depression and they took a heavy toll on me. So from whatever little I can relate, I only have compassion to offer you. Tonnes and tonnes of it. You are not alone and you are so incredibly brave. And so kind and gifted. It is and always will be a great pleasure to have you here in this beautiful community. You have touched lives. You have touched mine. Im just grateful our paths crossed. god bless you and keep you cocooned in safety and peace. Hugs ❤️
@cyanessence
@Creamyyy
Thanks for your kind and comforting words. I have learned a lot from you. I can sense there is a deep wisdom about you. It shines in your words, your grace. That our paths crossed is something I'll be eternally grateful for.
Id also be eternally grateful for meeting you. The feeling is mutual.
You are wise. And I like to have your wisdom around me.
I also intend to fulfil my promise to you.
@cyanessence
@Creamyyy
If you consider me wise, you may be surprised I do not consider myself so. For, I have great difficulty navigating the systems of the world. They are more brilliant than anything I could ever come up with, and they often defeat me. I just wish there were some subtle changes that made life a little easier.
If I didn't have people to talk to, I wouldn't be trying to understand things. There's only so much value in the silence of one's own thoughts. It feels every time I talk to you, and others here, I learn something new.
You learn from others, accept things that resonate with you and discard what doesn't. Thats the way of truth... what can be wiser than following that path?
You create poems and stories that are packed with meaning to guide others and touch hearts. What can be a wiser way to do your part?
What's up other than creative writing? How are you feeling?
@cyanessence
@Creamyyy
That is a very grounding question. I needed that.
I feel good. I like thinking. But it's hard to sleep. I don't have much of an appetite, and I forget to drink water. But life is nice. I don't always want everything so laden with meaning, so I appreciate the simple things.
How are you? How are you feeling?
I feel okay. Strong. Authentic.
Going to have a cup of tea. Youre right. There's so much peace in the small things of life such as this.
@cyanessence
Totally couldn't tell <3
What's the difference between the two kinds?
You're fully loved and accepted here <3 *hugssssssssss* <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
It's a mystery to me. Apparently, I should make no sense at all. My words should be random, but they have direction, flow. I am on track.
Schizo-affective involves more of an emotional instability. But my emotions are incredibly calm, smooth like a calm sea.
Is the calmness natural, or because of meds, etc? Was it learned?
@jesusredeemedme2425
No medication. By simply following the lines of reason, I discovered my emotions again. I feel truly alive.
@Tinywhisper11 <3
You changed your PFP <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
I couldn't upload it in the correct position! Apparently, it's a photo of a celebrity.
Huh???
Its true that amazing things happen through overcoming things like that. And then it becomes difficult to imagine ourselves any other way. There has to be some amount of reason.
I'm glad the two of us got a handle on that. ☺️
@cyanessence awww sweetie I'm so glad you opened up here 💖💖 schizophrenia must be incredibly hard to live with🙁 and God bless all those who suffer💖 thankfully those who suffer from this terrible illness, has people like you to speak up for them, to tell the truths of this terrible thing😥 you have a strong mind and a even stronger heart 💖 I'm glad you are who you are, I'm thankful that I've come to know a very brave friend 💖 hugs you tightly 💖 I look forward to hear your posts, just something about the way you write and see the world makes me feel less alone 💖
@Tinywhisper11
I live with another man with schizophrenia. I can sense that he just feels crazy, because that is what society tells him. I'm not pushing him hard, but I noticed something: their thoughts appear to be in fragments. If you isolate each one, they do make sense. Sometimes not much, but there is an underlying logic to all things. So, schizophrenia is like a constant stream of truth, but it's almost scattered across time.
When I saw that he understood that he does make some sense, just in a different way, he cried. It was a gentle and silent cry without acknowledgement or attention, but it made me feel like I made him feel worthwhile.
He showed me how high he could kick. I was impressed. I am not so flexible. He seemed proud of his ability, so I basked in admiration of his courage to be himself.
Your kindness was a beacon for me, tiny. I recognised something profound: just a few words here and there can brighten the day.
Shifts in perspective don't have to be dry. They can reveal a whole new world of new colour.
@cyanessence 💖your a amazing person💖
@cyanessence I am so late in responding or being here in general recently, I’m sorry. I feel so honored to be tagged on such a heartfelt personal message. Thank you, Cyan. Reading all your replies on here too, I just want to say what a wonderful human being you are. So many of your posts have touched my heart, and I am left thinking about what a gift you are to the world even when you do not know it. The honesty of your thoughts make me feel less alone when I struggle with my own said and unsaid confessions.
To me, what you shared is just a word. We are all so much more than terms. They help us understand certain things about ourselves and that’s good! but they also don’t contain all of who we are. Thank you for having the courage to be so authenticity you.
Unrelated, but I love your new pfp, Pieces <3
