I need help deciding if i should get divorced or not
I had a previous post that I think my husband hates me. These are my actual thoughts:
Pros to divorcing:
I won’t have to think about every day if he likes me or not
I won’t have to hear him accusing me of cheating on him again (he accuses me of this but I have never done it)
I feel like I would feel “free”
I would be able to see my family and friends again. He doesn’t tell me I can’t, but *** about how awful people they are and how they are trash so I choose to avoid seeing them.
Cons:
My kids will have a broken home and I think this would be especially hard on my 6 year old because he’s so sensitive as it is
I will have to fight for 50/50 bc my husband already said if I filed “you’ll never see these kids again”
I will have to fight for my home which feels like home. I have no desire to move
I will have to fight relocation because he would want to leave with the kids.
basically, I don’t want to hurt my children the most and go through a long year+ long fight. I just don’t want to keep feeling this dread I have every day. Right now, he’s been mad at me for 4 days and either yelling at me or giving me the silent treatment. I’ve lost 3 lbs in 4 days.
Help
I am not a mom or married so I cannot give good advice but I just wanted to say I am sorry for what you are going through. You seem like a very good mom caring person. It will get better 🙏
Thank you
I feel for you and the turmoil you are facing inside and out .
Know your feelings and thoughts are all valid.
Marriage is hard and we all struggle, sometimes worse than others. Some times people change or we think they will change .
We are not here to tell you to get divorced or not but help you work through your issues and feelings that might help you do.
The practicalities depends on your country and laws and divorce can be messy and emotional difficult but you can see as it as short term pain for long term gain. If you have been the primary caregiver usually the child lives with them ( usually the mother) and lawyers can sort out the custody side of things. One parents can't run off with child in any law. He isn't able to enforce you not seeing the kids. If he tries you record document and go to police/ lawyer as at that point he kidnapped the kids . Let the lawyers sort the assets and home situation too.
Children of divorce will be better places to advise on effects of splitting up but we know the current environment of fighting and silent treatment is not good. If you are happier post divorce or work through counselling etc the child will be happier.
You need to communicate with you husband in the first instance really talk and work out what the issues are. Where his insecurities are if he feels youre cheating. Find some common ground .. you used to love each other at some point hence you got married.
Social media is terrible red flag this red flag that divorce at a drop of hat. Try marriage counselling it allows a more safe environment to communicate and be open to what each of you have to say. We all take things defensive and personally and react badly most of the time which doesn't help .
If the communication is broken down and no one is willing to work on it then you have the choice to make . Do nothing different doesn't change anything. So you live as you are until you can't or you divorce .
Hope that helps a little
I want to do counseling but he doesn’t want to
Unfortunately you can't force it . You can't also force some into loving you .
As I mentioned before if you're both not willing to try and communicate to the depth needed then nothing will change and you have a choice to make.
What are his feelings about the marriage? He sounds like he's trying to ignore the issues and hope it all settles down or goes away . If he feels nothing wrong maybe that's why he won't go to counselling. Maybe he's scared .
Ask him is he happy in this marriage? In the absence of counselling you have to try getting him to communicate and open up or things will deteriorate.
Believe you are allowed to live an authentic to yourself life with or without your husband and marriage. .
He told me today he might leave :(
That must be tough to here but that is his intent and he does not want to talk through the situation and try work things out then like I mentioned you have a choice to make stick as you or you split.
If he does leave then know it's not you it's on him. You can thrive without him and be happy.
If it looks like divorce maybe speak a lawyer on how sort the financial and custody side of things.
@tealSailboat6425
In your post I do not see how you feel about spouse....because in the end that matters.
I am assuming you have feelings for him as your first one was thinking about he felt about you. or defensive about being falsely accused of cheating. would you really be free...
IMO Divorce is hard on everyone. can your difference be worked on? or are you just done ....
I want to work on it but all of his “solutions” aren’t really solutions. I just have this nonstop feeling of dread. I can’t change his mind about the cheating. I never cheated on him. I just keep getting accused of it, how many times can I keep getting accused before I go crazy?
@tealSailboat6425
Often cheaters accuse others of what they are doing...
he may be trying to pretend to give himself cover as he knows he is in the wrong.
I honestly don’t think he is. He’s always here. Lol
@tealSailboat6425
like you, I have been together about 4 decades and marriage is harder now then ever. we think it is smooth sailing but we have grown distant/ bored easily irritated at each other. i think cheating is such a trigger word he may just be trying to start a reason to leave. it is hard to address years of just putting up with things. My spouse and I are trying but hard to undo years of connection dissolving.
one of the many reasons Grey divorce of older couples is much larger then ever and growing.
I feel society has changed and beliefs and behaviors too. Everything is seemingly disposable or replacement quickly. The world is smaller than ever with technology now . More options in life and it seems easier to replace than to try fix something. People and relationships ever more so.
@blueLemon3704
I think you may be right but I think in many cases it is the illusion of options. We all see some story of person who divorced traveled the world and met the perfect person whom all family accepted and they live some sitcom life ...
that is not only a complete outlier but a illusion, the grass is NOT always greener if it looks like it is we find out it is AstroTurf( fake).
Most people both sides are in tougher situation after divorce.... hard to start over and rework finances. We go from working towards a shared plan to how do we pay bills and prepare to retire. if you do not want to be alone every person out there has lots of baggage and issues too. mostly i see lonely people who thought things would be so much better.
@tealSailboat6425
sorry you are having to deal with this.
are his words about you “cheating “ serious or some what playful/joking?
Even though I have been married for 32 years but together for 42, my wife every so often throws that at me or “I’m going to work to be with my girlfriend“ i know she is joking but her words are hurtful, I’ve asked her many times to stop but she continues.😩
for her it stems from a broken home where both her parents cheated and having brothers who have cheated on their wife’s.
sounds like your husband could have some insecurities of his own.
He is being serious. I’ve never felt anything for anyone except for him so I’m just not sure what to do anymore.
