Really struggling with my sister-in-law

@BabyLionNala hi there. Hope you do not mind me writing as I have some time at home and was online. I don't have much experience with this because I have been single a long time. I am also older and not as young, but, honestly, based on what you mention here, I don't blame you for behaving the way you do; the woman sounds like she has issues, not you. You tried and she was so rude and hurtful. I am not trying to encourage *** or anything like that but if you behaved any differently, you would be feeling bad about yourself and could end up hurting yourself or marriage. She sounds so immature, and cruel. I am just hoping she will one day realize it but it sounds like you don't need her approval, and it sounds like she doesn't want yours. Unfortunaely it seems like something you might just have to put up with, unless you are willing to make some more or small compromises to fall into her graces somehow. But it sounds like you tried and didn't work or happen. I am not really sure what to suggest except she is older and should know better. It sounds like you are more mature than her. Hopefully you will have more patience to put up with this, in the meantime, just keep doing what has worked for you. I wouldn't let her get in the way. I think you are doing fine since your marriage is still alive, and luckily not impacting you

@BabyLionNala

Hi Nala! 😊 ❤️  Thank you so very much for your forum post, for sharing with us and I know that many times it takes so much courage to do so! I commend you my sweet friend! 

It sounds to me that you have truly done your personal best considering what it is that you have been faced with! It's a very few, select people in this world that would handle this situation with style and grace such as you have! *high fives* 😊 Impressive! 

It truly is quite shocking to see how emotionally and mentally abusive this person is being to you. All of these things are horrible to do to another human being and to say to another human being. It appears as if they are using any and every opportunity to intentionally hurt you and to be malicious. 

Oh my, I see the "reason for the season" at Christmas time, for them, is to shun you, make you feel small, intentionally not give you a proper gift (as opposed to ones that you provide) and even mock you as well as call it out as to what they have done sarcastically as if you hadn't already noticed. "Wish I had given you a gift, cause you're so cute". Hmmm....that might be part of the problem, that you are indeed cute! Cute enough for her brother to ask for your hand in marriage. 

Birthdays they do the same as well as with their wedding which should be a beautiful union and celebration of love instead of using it as a tool to abuse family members. 

I'm not sure if this will be of any help, but I simply cannot resist saying it. This seems to be all about them (as most things probably are) and nothing to do with you, at all. I think this is a "them problem" not a "you problem" and clearly you have tried and really really hard! It's incredibly sad that you have been a wanted addition to the family for everyone else and they simply found a target for suffering. 

I think it could be anyone that was in your place (married to her brother) and they would do the same thing. This is incredibly juvenile and mean spirited. I can only think that they have some very deep seeded emotional problems. Clearly they lack self awareness. One can only hope that one day they will decide to reach out for help and support, one of a clinical nature as it seems as if they could benefit from that. 

As an aside, you sound like you would be an amazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzing friend! Anyone would be so lucky to have you as one! I like nice soaps, I like teas also! Common interest we have established already! ta-dah! 😊 If you were my friend in real life, I would want to give you lots and lots of sweet smelling, pretty soaps, a variety of different teas and I would spend a great deal of time wrapping them for you to show you that I care. I would give you my best bows, made personally by me from cross grain ribbon! I would even do my best to try and make up the difference to you, give you even more, show extra kindness seeing as this was a tool that is being used to abuse you. 

Clearly it's not about the soap though and it's not about the tea.  Lack of gifts is just being used as a tool for abuse. I am so very sorry someone is doing this to you. You don't deserve this and no one would! big big *hugs* ❤️

You know, it's interesting.....sure does take a great deal of energy to behave this way. It's their focus. I have to wonder how many others in life they treat badly unbeknownst to you. Sounds like a trait and really nasty one and typically that type of thing is quite pervasive. 

I commend you for handling the situation in the way that you are doing so currently. Not much else you can do. I think removing yourself from a room that they are in is the best you can do. You weren't put on this earth to be an emotional punching bag. You don't sound antagonistic to me at all but simply, doing your best to stay out of harms way and avoiding the opportunity for additional negativity. 

Your husband see's this as you hurting her feelings? She has any? Really? Is he certain?😳 (Yes, that was sarcasm and something I rarely engage in around here however, it seems warranted in this situation). He says you can't "treat family like that"...you have already been put on alert that you are not considered to be family in her eyes. You are being the bigger person by removing yourself from the situation as best you can. 

You still show up for family events. You aren't "boycotting" anything however, you are removing yourself from certain opportunities for additional abuse. This is a wise choice. Being around her is not good for your mental health, they shouldn't be given additional opportunities for more of the same and I would encourage you to do a search on what "grey rocking" means. Some even call it "soul removal" or "detachment". 

Doing so could be an additional source of comfort to know that this is toxic behavior that you are having to endure and that at a minimum, you should be allowed to have control over your own mind, control over your own body and where it is that you place it and be provided these outlets as coping mechanisms. Approaching the situation that cannot be changed currently in a somewhat stoic and self controlled manner is being the proverbial "better person" in my opinion, the exact type of person that your husband is asking for. 

You aren't being given any other options, but to detach from the situation. You are doing the very best you can with what it is that you are given to work with and at best over time, if given enough of that time you very may well learn to be done. To not be mad, to not be bothered, but done. Protect your peace at all costs! ❤️

Your husband may benefit from thinking about and exploring the fact that flat out abuse is happening to you and how asking you to do anything else than what you are doing now could be putting you in harms way. It's good that he notices that she is going through some things, that she is not capable....

Perhaps his vision is clouded as the reasoning for you being mistreated could simply be because of him, jealousy issues (as other family members have stated). You could explore that with him and question whether he cannot see the forest for the trees and that perhaps his ideas would change if it were for a different reason? (I'm fantastic, ohhhh who wouldn't fight over wonderful me, lol 😊 Lets go easy on her. You know, it is about me really too). lol 😊 Drats, there goes that sarcasm thingy again. 😳

If he chooses not to step up and address his sisters behavior, to call it what it is, to confront her and demand that the abuse stop, well, that's on him. It really is a great rule of thumb that the direct family member deal with the problem with the other direct family member. If he chooses to behave this way, he certainly should not be taking your "inventory" on how you have been given no other options other than avoidance. 

"When you point the finger at someone else, you always have three more pointing right back at you". It's unfortunate that he is not taking more responsibility for this as well as a more supportive role for you. 

I know you want to know "how do I handle this". I think you are doing your best. We cannot change the behaviors of others we can only be responsible for our own. I'm glad that you are here with us on 7 cups! ❤️  You never have to do this alone and we are a community of loving and caring people! Forum areas are great to talk about how you are feeling as well as the group rooms and 1-1 chats with listeners. 

7 cups  gives you a place to decompress, to vent, to share as well as make powerful and supportive connections with others. We'd all be grateful for your friendship. Seems as if the other party is truly missing out on a good friend. ❤️

For you, *high fives* 😊 on being so amazing and big big *hugs*❤️ too!