i need advice! finally grieving my last relationship
I would love nothing more than anyone’s advice or opinions. For Context, I broke up with my ex of 5 years mid November and up until last week was confident in my decision. He wasn't a horrible guy, we just felt more like roommates then girlfriend and boyfriend. I'm with someone new now, and they are very good to me. But I can't help but miss my ex all the sudden. I often think if I made the right decision. I think just living alone has been difficult on me as I've never really lived alone up until now. When I'm with my new boyfriend, I'm happy. But when I'm alone, everything gets all depressing and I just wish for it to end. My mind is constantly yelling at me for the sudden and large change i made in my life. I lost all my friends as they were always closer with my ex, I barely see my family as they are never around, and I work 6 days a week to afford living on my own. Not to mention we had a house together and two pets who I miss dearly. I just feel like I made a huge mistake but at the same time, I believe I did the right thing. And now I am starting to regret my new relationship even though he has done literally nothing wrong. I think I jumped ship too soon, and I’m so unsure about everything. I don't know, I just have a lot of feelings.
@islapearly
hey i see you're new and just wanted to welcome you to the 7 Cups family! if you have questions about getting around let me know! happy to help.
You didnt mention the reason you broke up with him but remind yourself why you thought that it was the right decision back then and reflect on that now, it’s really easy to second guess our decisions especially when there is space between the event (breakup) and now
the more time passes the more the temptation to second guess yourself increases
I can feel how difficult your decision was back then and how it’s affecting you now, I’m really sorry for that
i appreciate the time you took to help me out! it was an easy decision to leave and live on my own at the time but now i regret it and have to fight myself that i did make the right choice. i hope with time, the regret and depression will go away.
I hear you. Your feelings are all over the place. Break ups are especially awful and sometimes when we look back over it all, it can be through rose tinted glasses. Working 6 days a week sounds difficult. Do you have any time off to do some things you enjoy?
i don’t work on saturdays and sundays and fridays are shorter days. i think i work all of the time because i dont like being alone at home. that’s honestly what i struggle with the most. thank you for taking time to help me out btw🩵
Hi I'm going through something very close to this. I wanna talk to someone about it too. If you're available hmu
hey! sorry i just saw this, if you’d like to talk, i’d be more than happy to!
Are you ok? I'm going through a breakup too.
I’m getting better each day that passes🩵My new boyfriend is very sweet and kind and its a breath of fresh air. I still think about him of course, and sometimes I wallow in regret, but I remind myself I made the right choice for me, and I wouldn’t have left if he was so great, which he wasn’t. What about you? I’d love to help how I can!
@islapearly
I second what @Anatomicalpsychology said about losing sight/ignoring sight of why you left.
Depending on the situation/reason some folks will have a "Roller Coaster" regarding intensity of these regretful thoughts/feelings.
You mentioned the guy had mutually agreed to the separation?
Did the two of you grow bitter/confrontational/distant in those final years, months, days of the relationship?
(Note: Negative patterns, if patterns existed during the relationship, it may suggest a trauma bond)
What Are Trauma Bond Withdrawal Symptoms
Trauma bond withdrawal symptoms are emotional and physical effects that occur when trying to break away from a trauma-bonded relationship, including:
- Emotional Strain
Feelings of intense sadness, loneliness, or emptiness, often accompanied by a longing to return to the abuser despite knowing the relationship is harmful. - Anxiety and Fear
Persistent worry or panic about being alone, the future, or the possibility of never finding a relationship that feels as passionate as the current one. - Guilt and Self-Doubt
Questioning whether leaving was the right decision, feeling responsible for the abuser’s actions, or doubting one’s ability to live without the abuser. - Depression
A deep sense of despair, hopelessness, or a lack of motivation, often leading to difficulty in daily functioning. - Physical Symptoms
Sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, headaches, or even nausea, as the body responds to the stress of separation. - Cravings for Contact
A strong urge to reach out to the abuser, similar to cravings in addiction, driven by the desire to alleviate the pain of withdrawal.
Hope this helps. <3
this helps a lot! we mutually broke up but i was the one who broke it off, he was sad but was in agreement that we should break up. we lived with eachother but were basically roomates. i’d only see him when he decided to come to bed when i was already going to sleep. basically he was on his computer all the time and me trying to spend time with him was futile after the amount of times i asked and he promised to change but he never did. we just weren’t soulmates and not good for eachother. but i definitely was completely codependent with him. so all of your withdrawel symptoms are totally accurate. how would you deal with these withdrawel symptoms if you were me? they are so intense and im either horribly depressed when im alone, regretting my choice to leave, or holding myself back from calling him. also ty for the help in general, it means a lot!🩵
@islapearly ok I'm glad it wasn't anything else. it's understandable after so long of that sort of behavior going that way. He probably really did believe/realize that it was for the best. Anything that we DONT full want to let go of will always amount to(what ifs) unexplored wonders. you may come together again in the future, the thought is touching.. like a sentiment.. Real/true love never falters though. Keep doing your best. I'm rooting for you! :) <3
Great post
@islapearly
First of all, I'm sorry that you're dealing with all of this! It sounds really overwhelming. I also want you to know that you're not alone - the emotions and thoughts that you've been experiencing are totally normal. Breakups are hard, even when it's mutual, and we all deal with them differently.
I'd also encourage you to be gentle to yourself. I know you want to stop feeling this way, and just get over it and move on, but emotions are complicated and sometimes you need to step back and accept that things are going to be difficult for awhile. I find that time generally helps with these things. A very loose guide on "getting over" a breakup is one month for every year that you're together. So if you've been together for 5 years, I would expect it to take roughly 5 months for you to "move on". So you're still pretty early on in the process.
It sounds like you really like your new boyfriend, so I would focus on the positive. Enjoy your time together. Enjoy each other. When negative or confusing thoughts pop up, remain curious and try not to get bogged down by them. Ask yourself why these thoughts might be coming up, and then let them go.
I do find talking about things tends to sort out my thoughts, so you've come to the right place :)
Thank you so very much for your words, they truly mean the world. It’s hard some days but I’m giving myself as much grace as I can. Like you said, I am practicing being gentle on myself when the going gets rough. I also appreciate the time frame, seeing it laid out that it will take a bit, makes me feel better that it won’t last forever. Thank you again and I hope your life just gets better and better🩵
Relationships can be so tough! But they are also beautiful!
@islapearly
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, relationships are so tough and it's normal to experience so many conflicting and intense feelings, especially when it comes to dealing with a break up. Whenever you start experiencing doubt in your past decisions, try to remember that you ended your previous relationship for a reason. If your past self thought it was the best decision for you, then it probably was.
In time, these difficult feelings will feel less intense.
Thank you for your kind words! I’m in the thick of it now but you are right, it will pass with time. 🩵
I am in exactly the same boat, in August I ended my 10 year relationship with my fiance and perused a new relationship. Honestly your story is so similar to mine, some days I feel I made the right decision, the other I feel like I miss my old life, my ex, our pets and our friends. Feel free to message me if you want to talk, I’ve not come across anyone yet who is in the exact same position as me
I’m proud of you for stepping out, it is such a hard thing to do. Days will occur where we feel the most lost and hurt, where we want to run back to the comfort of our old lives. But its good to change and grow. I’m here for you if you need to vent!
Thank you. It’s just such a strange feeling that nobody else around me can really understand. I love my new life, but the moments where I’m alone is something m not used to as my ex was always around is when it hits me most and I think what have I done. It hurts still, but hopefully one day we can overcome it and leave those feelings in the past I suppose. I think I’ll forever linger on the what ifs though, I miss the comfort of my old life.
You said he's awful. Write the pros and cons. You'll make new friends. Go get a new pet to love maybe that's what you need. It's normal to grieve change. You will get over the hump.