Husband-Porn addiction
Me and my husband have been married a bit over a year. We’re in our early 20s. In the beginning all we wanted to do was sex sex sex. 3 months later I was pregnant. Around month 4 of pregnancy, we stopped having sex because of my low sex drive. And he turned to porn to satisfy himself. I didn’t exactly mind because I didn’t know how porn negatively affects your brain. Now I know... now I’m 4 months postpartum, and he still chooses porn instead of me. I’ve had my sex drive back since my 3rd trimester. So it’s been about 6-7 months since this problem started. We’ve maybe done it about 15 times since, give or take. It’s caused me to have depression and severe anxiety whenever I leave the house (and he’s alone at home and can go watch porn) or when he takes a shower. I’ve caught him many times and it’s almost like I have trauma because of this situation. I did plenty of research about how porn affects a part of your brain, reduces your want for physical sex with a real partner, and causes other issues like erectile dysfunction and what-not. I’m terrified of losing my husband that way. I don’t want us to be stuck in an unhappy marriage. We love each other. I know he does. But our sex life is making me suffer so much. It’s affecting me as a mother. I feel rejected, unwanted and not good enough. I feel like the pretty girls on the porn sites are better than me. I feel like my husband isn’t attracted to me. I’ve talked to him about this almost daily, yet he can’t seem to stop completely. He sees how much it hurts me. He sees how it destroys me on a daily basis. On the days we do have sex, I feel like everything will be okay after, but then he’ll go to porn right on the next day when he thinks I’m not paying attention. Also I feel like I’m almost forcing him to have sex instead of watching porn. He thinks because we did it once, it gives him the go-ahead to watch porn the next time he wants to “get it on”. He doesn’t even ask if I want to, no he just does it by himself. I’m getting so tired of this. I don’t feel happy anymore. And people have told me “it’s not just about sex in a marriage”. I know it’s not, but it’s a pretty big part of it, especially if you feel betrayal and no self-worth because your husband chooses the pretty girls online instead of his wife. This has been going on for too long, and I don’t know what to do anymore. Advice from anyone with a similar situation would be greatly appreciated.
Hey. . I have been on the other side, and it has been really very difficult to get out of the addiction.
I can suggest a few things based on my experience
- see a therapist, couple counselling
- join in watching porn and make things more exciting for him
- don't be too negative about things or don't complain much, take interest in topics which fascinate him
- a vacation and spending quality time with him
I have asked if he would like to watch porn together, but he seems to be weirded out by the idea and thinks porn is an “alone” activity. I was open to the idea. I ask him all the time to tell me what he wants in bed, yet it’s always the same stuff and he doesn’t want much different (which is fine!). He just likes doing it alone and it scares me so much that it’ll be only that soon and not sex together.
Also, we can’t afford counseling or therapy.
I would like to help more, although I might not be as effective as a therapist!
I'm new here, can't figure out how to have 1-1 chat!
I'm sure you have tried many ways, but the element of surprise might help. Rather than talking about 'how to engage in sex' , start doing things whenever you want to, in a way flood him by increasing frequency. . You have been patient for a long time, be patient for some more. It ll take a while for him to get back to you.
I will try that when I can. Lately with the situation making me feel so upset, it’s hard to start something up.
Don't ever forget that you are a gem! You are gorgeous in your ways. Chin up and a bright smile. Your efforts will help you win this battle against addiction :)
I honestly feel this. Im going though the same thing. Minus the baby. We can't afford therapy either. But if you want to talk about the subject with someone going through it as well. Pm me
I don’t know how to start a PM, sorry but would love to discuss
Yah it's a bit complicated here. Haha.
You need to have a listener account, and then someone can find you with your user name and pm you. (The search engine can't fine My listener account 🥺)
I would like to pm you about this too! How do we pm?
Hey! I'm not sure if you are still coping and trying to manage this but I am going through the same problem! Subtract the pregnancy. My husband watched porn all the time before I moved in and I discovered the same situation. Ultimately I have realized it is soooooo unhealthy for your brain. And more importantly I'm a relationship it is damaging. When confronted about it my husband said he doesn't think I should overthink it and that all men do it. He told me he would fix it. Whatever that meant. But I know he still Jack's off in the shower and bath all the time when I'm readily available whenever! So I know what you are feeling. It's betrayal, hurt, feeling unwanted and depressed. It makes you obsessed with those thoughts all the time. It makes you look at yourself in the mirror and think what would make me enough. It's sad. But it's their addiction. They are hooked. And I'm still trying to figure it out alongside with you :(
I got a new profile. My husband has stopped watching p orn... but my trust is just gone. I still ask him daily after his showers or if I’m in my baby’s bedroom for a long time if he m asturbated without me. It’s a constant mental struggle. I use to be ok with him doing it alone if I didn’t feel like it, but now I feel completely betrayed if he does. I don’t know how to deal with it. He says he won’t anymore, but I constantly think that he will do it eventually.
In the past, I send him photos/videos of myself (thinking I’d feel better that he uses that instead of p orn), and the other night I caught him touching himself to my photos. And STILL I felt betrayed!!! I don’t know how to control my feelings about this. I’m thinking I may have some sort of trauma because of the p orn use of the past. I’m glad he stopped watching all that, but our sex life hasn’t improved. We don’t do it often and I still feel pretty rejected 😔 I want to save our marriage but don’t know how. I talk to him about it so often, but I’m scared to annoy him.
I think it is normal for a man to masterubate in the shower. My boyfriend does this all the time. I think he just wants that one on one experience with himself. There's no need to feel insecure. I remember feeling this before but I gradually overcame it. I know the ways guys think and I think it's normal for him. He watches porn all the time and realized it was just a normal thing guys do. Men are visual I think we as women need to be more flexable.
@explorepeace
That's the listener profile name. If you could find that, feel free to pm, I'll listen to you.
So I am in the same boat you are in almost but I'm not married but engaged and we have been together off and on for 5 years now but I have caught him masturbating multiple times and even caught screen shots of big boobed women on his tablet it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him idk we have sex at least 2-3 times a week when we are not working or taking care of our lil one and it had stopped for a while but when I came home for work I see the lotion has been used and he deleted all his videos to where I couldn't see them and when I have talked to him about masutrbating he says that it's a nasty thing to do but yet he does it anyway I don't get it I really don't and trust me I know how you feel I feel like I have tried everything and donr know what to do
It’s such a terrible thing. I’m rubyrose, but made a new account.
my husband stopped watching p orn, but my trust issues are still very intense 😔 I think I may have trauma from this whole situation. I don’t trust him when he says he doesn’t do it anymore. I’m scared to leave him alone at home because I think he’ll do it without me. It doesn’t help that our sex life hasn’t improved either.
Yes Porn is an addition ! Would suggest you to do these to overcome
- Porn is an addiction because it takes you high and it’s different all the time. You should satisfy your partner by doing differently
- Joining with him to watch porn is a good idea , if he doesn’t support the idea then try to talk about some intimate stuffs with him.
- Don’t always try it out in bed , may be different place and situation makes it more intimate for him
Feel free to ping if you need more support. Always happy to help
Thank you for the advice, but I can’t handle any p orn in our relationship. It hurt me too much. He quit, but I’m still dealing with the trauma of feeling completely rejected
I am so sorry to hear your story. I just wanted to reach out and give you a hug.
Thank you so much
Hi there.. so I am going through a very similar situation with my husband, but we are a little farther and deeper in than you... We have an 8 month old son, and 4 days before I found out I was pregnant I had divorce papers drawn up.
After years of feeling rejected and not good enough and not knowing what was wrong and why things had changed so much I discovered that occassional porn use spiraled into hours and hours multiple times a day. He had an obsession with sex workers and looking at backpages postings for them (he reached out to a few but never went through with it) and massage parlor ads (then he became a regular at a parlor that was right by his shop).. Then he started "hyperfixating" on local women he saw on social media, and reaching out to them... He was even using me as bait!! I am bi, not terrible looking, and consider myself poly (although by his choice we are in a monogamous relationship... Which is ironic at) so he would try to use me as a way to get girls attention and validating his flirtatious BS.. I found all this out and then a week later realize I am pregnant after trying to YEARS.
I am brand new to this site and have no idea how to use it yet but would be open to talking to you any time (you'll just have to teach me how to on here 🤣).. I joined because my husband's Porn and sex addiction issues are making my already poor mental health decline. I have no one really who understands what I'm dealing with or that I feel comfortable talking openly with about his addiction and it's effect on our lives... But I need an outlet, and I need help because this is an exhausting emotional rollercoaster that leaves me feeling insane most days..
I have done lots and lots of research and have resources a-plenty... So I can be helpful in ways other than relating so well to what you are going through.
I also will say that the advice of watching porn together is terrible and would not be condusive to recovery from a PA.. and I don't remember the other bits of advice specifically given along with that one, but I remember it being very victim Blamey and opposite of what I have read being suggested throughout recovery..
Please remember this has nothing to do with you or anything you are lacking. This has to do with the brain of an addict.
Love and light to you.
Thank you for sharing. Sending strength to you too! I didn’t take that advice to watch porn together because I am completely against it now. I can’t have it in our life anymore. It’s been about 8 months that he quit porn now… but the trauma is still with me. I still convince myself that he does it behind my back when I’m not home or when he’s in the shower. I’m trying hard to work on my mental health. Our sex life is slowly improving.
Have you tried experimenting with sex, see what kind of porn he likes/what his sex fantasies are and try to do those things? It sounds difficult with kids around but maybe worth trying once in a while to keep things fresh and keep him interested
I’ve asked him what he watched, and he told me milfs, older/mature women, dominant women (not too intense). He likes when the women is on top and does what she wants. And yes I have tried to put that into our sex life but he seems shy/not ready to get too into it.
i think this is because he found porn to be an alone-activity, and he doesn’t want me knowing what he likes. Which is odd because I’m willing to do things he likes. Maybe one day we’ll dive deeper into it.
but also I’ve told him that we can’t just do stuff he likes. I need something too.. so we’re working on it. I have to admit that our sex life is a bit repetitive, but improving slowly
It is good that you are improving your sex life although slowly. This is a big step and an important one. I think trying more fun "activities" with him will help improve your relationship with him. I am in my early twenties so I have been with guys that have had a porn addiction. I once had a guy want to try and have sex in front of our window so our neighbors could see. Keep in mind we lived in an apartment, so there were always people walking by and he seemed to get an adrenaline trill out of it. I can see that porn has had a strong influence on him.
I try my best to satisfy my current bf but sometimes you just have to compromise, have patience and try new things with him.
Ruby, your story saddens me. My heart really does go out to you. Your husband's actions have damaged both of you. What you are feeling is very real. It's called betrayal trauma. I'm experiencing the exact same thing. As I write this, I'm on my honeymoon. A two week Alaska trip that I've been dreaming of my entire life. I walked in on my newly wed husband masterbating to porn about 2 weeks before leaving on our honeymoon and less than 2 months after our marriage. We discussed what constitutes as cheating at length prior to our marriage. We agreed that, for us, porn fell under that category. After all, it intentionally causes a sexual arousal by someone other than your spouse. This is especially concerning when it's done with intent and frequently. Everything you've discussed, as far as feeling not comparable to the girls on porn sites or as attractive to your husband is exactly what I've been going through, and it's ultimately what has brought me to this app. The feeling of betrayal is overwhelming and sets in at any given moment, out of the blue. Just know you're not alone and that the feelings you're feeling are a real and normal response. Sending big hugs and will be in touch again if you want to. All I know is that one way or another, your husband needs help to stop and realize that genuine joy and satisfaction comes from the heart and soul of you, not a bunch of plastic pixels. And you need help with the trauma you've been experiencing...the self esteem issues his actions have caused, how to trust him, moving through all the emotions of his betrayal etc. You'll be in my prayers. Right now, we'll both need a ton of prayers and support.💜💜