talking about it publicly for the first time
So since today is world sexual health day, I figured that now is as good a time as any to write about my sexual health/experieneces for the first time in any public forum.
anyway, ever since I was really young (too young honestly), I've been exposed to many different sexualized things (nudity, pornography, sexual encounters etc) and I think all of that kinda messed me up because I could never stop thinking about sex since it happened. it's kinda embarrassing really, when you're young and know about things that kids your age really shouldn't and having that affect how your relationships by making you think about sex when you really don't want to. and as a result of that I had a lot of time alone which was filled with masturbation and porn viewing (which I'm not proud of at all, I would spend hours and hours on the internet looking for porn)
after all of this, I feel ready to break the damn cycle already, I hate being like this really, it's not my normal self who is just wanting to break out but my sexual self has been keeping that from happening and I just want it all to stop.
if you made it this far, I want to say thank you for reading.
First, off @n0thing14 I want to say how much I appreciate you for sharing your story with us. Im sorry that you were exposed to all that stuff at a young age. I have as well and I can say that youre super strong for making it this far. Its no easy environment to grow up it.
Glad youre a part of our community and I hope your journey to recovery is a swift one because you do deserve it!
hi
can i begin the friendship with you ?
so i am very alone in my life .
@n0thing14 thank you for sharing your story with us! I like your determination and your want that you have to break from you addiction with masturbation and porn. I'm not sure how young you were exposed to these things, but you can break free from this. 
@JaceOfSpades thank you for your reply, it means a lot to me.
And the first thing I can remember is when I was about 8 years old and in my uncle's house where I found one of his porno magazines and read it when no one else was around.
Your curiosity at that age was completely normal, even if what you found was too mature or overwhelming to handle at that stage of your development.
Hope I am not sounding too "clinical" -- you are just bringing up trains of thought I have encountered before...
It's okay. It isn't called "Sexual health" for no reason. I think that actually everyone has that phase in their life, and I also think that not having that phase should be something to worry about, and not finding yourself attractive in sexual way(teenagers, don't panic if you still didn't have that phase if you're reading this: you're still not adults!). THIS is what sexual health is. Don't worry. That's my opinion on it. And thank you for sharing it with us, that's brave!
Hugsss, alexlove
I hope sharing that helps relieve, even in a tiny way, any sense of isolation or shame you may feel, @nothing14, about experiences you did not ask for, or any habits or coping strategies that resulted.
I think you do everyone a service by opening up like that. In my subjective experience, a great many of us harbor sexual wounds or scars or negative feelings.
My wish for you is to get to a place where you can integrate your whole save and embrace your own personal authentic sexuality as free as possible from any harmful contributions from others.
@KrinkTheMellowUnicorn you have no idea how long I've been wanting to get this off of my chest. It's been YEARS until I finally worked up the courage to make this post about it and now that I finally said it I feel so much better. there needs to be more open conversations about sexuality in my opinion because I know that there a lot of people like me who have been through these same things
I totally agree. Most of these things are made way worse by the feeling of being ashamed, hidden, "wrong" and alone.
Sexuality is complex for everyone, and self acceptance is hard. I'm really really proud of your for taking this step, and I'm happy you are feeling some immediate benefit from it!
January 2014 I got pregnant with my second child, not going to lie I was scared to death, in the past I had already had four miscarriages, and I couldn't explain to you how badly I wanted this baby 6 months flew by, I was so excited. I found out I was having a girl!!! I have a son already so she would just complete my family ((: I had gotten to comfortable... September the first, I started having pains so I rushed to the er. I was going into labor I had started to dilate I was like maybe at 2, so the doctor was able to stop the labor Elizabeth ( my daughter) just wasn't ready to come yet the Dr said she needed more time, so he was able to stop my labor things were getting better my ultrasounds were good, on the fifth of September our car started messing up; took it the garage they said everything was fine and it appeared to be just fine. On September the 13th I started having contractions again my husband runs to the car to get it ready it wouldn't start... We had to call the ambulance and omg that as the longest wait!!! I knew that I had to have a c section I did with my son, by the time I got to the hospital my daughter was crowning. I had to deliver her... After an hour of pushing she finally arrived, but I kept listening for her to cry ... I waited and waited, finally I knew what had happened. The doctors came in my room asked told me that she had passed )): my hip bones didn't expand the way should and on her way out they crushed her lungs.. They put her on my chest, she was so beautiful; and so chuncky. That day I lost half my heart and my insanity, but I gained a guardian angel! I'm not going to lie I wished I had her here with me today! But I know that she couldn't be in a safer more beautiful place. She was innocent, perfect and definitely made her way through the gates of heaven. And I would bet my life that she is sitting on my great grandmas knee, and I bet my granny is telling her how mean her mommy was growing up ((: there is not a day that passes that I don't think about her or even talk to her or write but this month has really hit me hard its like it as a related check.... ):
that sounds like quite an ordeal. is this also something you are talking about publicly for the first time?
Yes this is the first time I have talked about this ): not a lot of people even know...
I hope being able to share it here gives you some relief.
I guess I have never really dealt with it. I don't know how to deal with it...
maybe being able to talk about it can be a first step
@n0thing14, I have known you for a little while now and in that time you have come across as laid back and amazing, a very lovely person to talk to. The fact that you shared your story here, with all of us, makes me very happy, because C, you're unbelievable strong.
Our experiences shape us and make us who we are so the ones you had growing up definitely did have a role to play in the habits you've cultivated, it's not your fault at all. I believe in you, I know that you can break this cycle.
You've got the support of the entire community, we're here for you, no matter what. Thank you being brave enough to share this. Good luck!
I'm very proud of you! Remember, you always have us here. We're all here for you.
@n0thing14 I'm very proud of you for making your first post about this. You were really too young when you first encountered something sexually related so I totally understand it has affected you this way.
You are really brave for wanting to break the circle though, and as much as it may seem hard, please know that I truly believe that you can do it. You can achieve anything you aim for.
All the love, Mel.