DTR or give up entirely. I
Hi there. So Ive been seeing this guy since November. Weve went on trips together, which he initiated, and have hung out at least once a week since meeting on tinder. Whenever we hang out we always have fun and he does little things to show he cares about me like plugging in my phone for a charge and letting me drink from his water bottle and even opening up his car door for me. Weve hung out and talked about our families and friends, but one thing we dont really talk about is our feelings. We have had physical intimacy and know we are attracted to one another. He constantly shows me that he would make a good boyfriend, but Im cautious since Ive been hurt before and its hard for me to communicate my feelings because of past relationships.
When he went on a two week trip to another state, we messaged pretty much every day and he sent me photos and videos. When he got back, I missed him so I sent him a message asking to meet up. We were definitely acting like a couple holding hands and even kissed by the pier while watching the birds, and weve held hands and kissed in public before in other dates/hang outs. Also, the next day after sleeping over, we took a shower together, he gave me a pair of his boxer shorts, and I even have a toothbrush at his place.
The problem is when I have brought up loyalty and seeing other people he wouldnt really answer me directly (this was over message not face 2 face) even though it seems we are a couple without a label.
@tinadec
Yea I think you should give up on the relationship. (Removed by @River for being unsupportive) You talk about labels and all that shit, when this guy's behavior is completely normal from what you describe, he's taking it step by step, you already both made progress and got close, everything normal.. (Removed by @River for being unsupportive)
@sensibleFan5345 I do agree I have tendencies where I can be a bit in my head, but I dont think communicating about where we are at is childish.
I would just like reassurance that my time is not being wasted. My birthday is coming up and he has come with me to my friends birthday and met a lot of my friends, but I have family coming and dont want to pressure him into meeting them even though I would like him at my birthday.
I feel like I have to understand where we are at in order to take that dive, but Ive never pressured him to decide or do something he didnt want to do. I just want to be chosen not beg for someone to want me.
@tinadec
Wow, the previous person that replied gave you a very critical and judgemental response. I don't think you are acting childish or dramatic at all and shouldn't listen to anything they said.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to clarify where you stand in the relationship. Doing things and acting like a couple is a weird situation to be in.
I would let him know what you want exactly without putting too much pressure on it. Just let him know your thoughts and feelings about him and the relationship. You two sound very into each other and compatible. He could be just as scared as you are. Good luck!
@j2101
I don't know wtf is wrong with you and why you're so bitter and hateful but I'm flagging all your responses and hope you get blocked. There's no need for your negativity here when all people are looking for are support and advice. (Removed by @River for being unsupportive)
@j2101 also, thank you for your advice I appreciate your genuine and honest reply back. And for sticking up for me as well, it made me realize coming in here will help me a lot more than being on my own and in my head.
@tinadec
I would say don't call it quits until you have had the chance to have a real discussion about it. If you want a serious relationship and he wants to date around then your goals aren't the same. Since you've only mentioned it over messaging then I'd bring it up to him in person in an actual conversation.
It would be unfair to both of you if you just break it off without giving either of you an opportunity to say what you are looking for in the relationship
You seem very sensible and know what you want. You're probably scared to get hurt and lose him but at least this way you have given the relationship a chance
@j2101 @sensibleFan5345
Hello! I have deleted and edited some of the posts here for being unsupportive. Lets all try to remain supportive and review the forum posting guidelines HERE I hope we can move on from this and be kind to everyone. You are welcome to pm me if you want to discuss any of the edits/deletes.
@River Thank you River! 
@tinadec I'm sorry for some of the negative replies you've gotten, people forget how to behave sometimes, on a site that supposed to be a supportive environment.
I wanted to say I don't think you sound childish or needy at all, it's absolutely normal to want to define your relationship, so you can feel more secure and committed. That's really important for some people, and there's nothing wrong with that. Ultimately, this is between you and him. He may feel differently, it could be he thinks that this is enough, or he may not really understand why relationship "labels" can be important for people. It's hard when you've had bad experiences, because it can impact other relationships even when they're really going lovely. I hope you keep reminding yourself that this is a new relationship that is different from the other ones, and I also hope that through discussing with him, you can come to an agreement that makes both of you more comfortable :)
@TaranWanderer thank you so much. I feel like you put exactly how I feel into words and that once talking about it I could feel more secure and committed because I want to be open. Not repeat past mistakes in past relationships.
@tinadec absolutely! It's clear to me that this is important to you, and so it makes perfect sense that you want it to go well and to feel comfortable and open :) At least that's the good thing we can get from mistakes, is the ability to grow from them and use our experiences for the better in the future
@tinadec
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
Hi there. So Ive been seeing this guy since November. (This sounds like you two have gotten to know each other, and been dating for awhile) Weve went on trips together, which he initiated, and have hung out at least once a week since meeting on tinder. Whenever we hang out we always have fun and he does little things to show he cares about me like plugging in my phone for a charge and letting me drink from his water bottle and even opening up his car door for me. Weve hung out and talked about our families and friends, but one thing we dont really talk about is our feelings. We have had physical intimacy and know we are attracted to one another. He constantly shows me that he would make a good boyfriend, but Im cautious since Ive been hurt before and its hard for me to communicate my feelings because of past relationships. (I can see why you would feel afraid since past relationship truly did hurt you. I do feel that perhaps you haven't healed from past relationships, so this will impact the way you attach and trust a potential partner)
When he went on a two week trip to another state, we messaged pretty much every day and he sent me photos and videos. (This can be seen as too much, too soon because there's certain things going on the background. I understand you two like each other, but it just feels like you two can't live without each other already.) Also, the next day after sleeping over, we took a shower together, he gave me a pair of his boxer shorts, and I even have a toothbrush at his place.
The problem is when I have brought up loyalty and seeing other people he wouldnt really answer me directly (this was over message not face 2 face) even though it seems we are a couple without a label. (I can understand why you brought all of this up. One of your core needs and something thats important to you is having the girlfriend/boyfriend level, especially after you two been dating since november. I do feel it was okay you did, you wanted to know what was going on. Its important to not compromise your value or what you want because it will only make you feel unhappy. If this person isn't willing or be ready for a relationship then its important for him to tell you, so you can find someone who can give you what you are looking for)
@freshLight64 thank you for the break down and I agree I was surprised we messaged almost everyday when he left but that was last month so about 3-4 months into the dating aspect of it.
We usually message sparingly throughout the day and sometimes take 1-3 days to have no contact. So, I was pleasantly surprised we were since it did show he was thinking about me and I him in a way. I dont necessarily like messaging all the time because thats how it was in my past relationship and it was so co-dependent and I dont want that anymore.
I realize I just need to suck it up and tell him what Ive been feeling just for clarity on his end since I havent communicated this to him in person. And I appreciate everyones advice since they all seem cohesive on what I have to do.
@tinadec
I see you made your decision, it's important for you two to have this discussion because you wouldn't want to keep dating him for more months if he is not able to commit into a relationship.
It might feel scary at first, but this mainly has to do with how it had always been difficult for you to open up because it either lead to danger or rejection. You can do this, it's really brave what you are going to do. Let us know how it goes.