Innocent yet provocative selfie vid/pic Social Media posts while in a serious monogamous relationship
I've been dating my gf for over a year now and things have started getting serious (meeting the kids, saying "I love you, etc). As they have gotten serious, I've been bringing up some concerns I've only recently realized I've had. For instance, her social media activity/posting never bothered me before (throughout casual dating). I've noticed that now I am bothered by her SM usage. She is a beautiful girl and I consider some of her selfies (pics/vids) to be provocative in nature. Nothing too bad (a little cleavage and sexy body language). We almost broke up over it, but we talked it out. She claimed that she doesn't do it for external male attention and doesn't respond to any of the advances she receives. She says she does it for herself to kind of scrapbook herself when she likes how she looks... I heard her out and we moved on, but after a few days I noticed it still bothered me. I proceeded to explain to her that, "I trust you and am not saying that you are intentionally seeking this male attention. However, posting content like that invites that type of attention and it bothers me." She objected that she doesn't consider her posts to be provocative, and that's where we hit a wall. I contended that, I believe she knows the difference between posting a "cute" pic and posting something that promotes her being "sexy." She is hot and I know that she will always get male attention, but my quarrel is with posting content that encourages even more (thirsty) male attention. We parked the conversation there for the time being.
Things have been a bit awkward since (a few days ago). She is definitely not happy about it, but I explained to her that I'm not telling her what to do either. Just communicating that it bothers me.
I think the age gap might play a part (I'm 6yrs older). Not too big a difference number wise, but in terms of the generational difference it's substantial (I'm Gen X and she's a Millennial). I'm barely on social media and she is pretty active among several different apps (fb/***/snap chat/***). Often I feel as though she cares more about her social media activity than our relationship. I'm afraid in the process of communicating all of this I might've come across as needy and might be ruining the relationship.
So, that's the sum of it. I just am not sure whether or not I'm:
A. Doing the right thing by communicating my concerns
^^I'm in the right and perhaps she isnt a good match
B. Being controlling/jealous and ruining my relationship
^^I need to work on my own insecurities and not ruin a potentially good thing.
In my opinion, you are doing the right thing by voicing your problem with it. In no way are you being controlling. But do you think she would cheat on you? If not, just let her do it. If you think she would, then maybe it's time to rethink the relationship.
Thanks for your feedback. I'd like to think she wouldn't cheat on me and I dont have a substantial reason to think otherwise. Definitely thinking things through.
@JustaDude2022
I think you are right and i simply see this many times people posting sexy photos and "pretending" it is innocent selfie..... Obviously if she gets attention and guys hitting on her she should be aware enough that cleavage shots do that .......
Makes me question some of the women we post this type of photo on all sorts of apps THEN complain that they do not want guys hitting on them......
If she is overly obsessed with social media is she trying to be an influencer or making money by having her content looked at that might explain the photos.
Yepp, exactly. I couldn't edit my post, but I'd describe her activity on these apps more specifically as "lightly active." I dont think she is trying to make money on the site. She claims its more of a "scrapbook" thing. I also think it might be a confidence booster for her as she has mentioned low self esteem before. Which would lead me to believe that she enjoys the male attention it brings. Even though she said she doesn't.
@JustaDude2022
Yes if someone has lower esteem they may enjoy the attention and while she is liking the attention .......she is not really seeing what ( even if unintended ) message she is putting out there.
@JustaDude2022
It is an interesting situation. From what she's said about her reasons for posting the pics, it sounds like she genuinely enjoys how she looks and knows these are precious moments in time. We're aging every day!
"scrapbooking" is for happy memories we'd like to look back on after years and years. As you said, you didn't notice it much before as it hadn't bothered you. What's changed in that aspect? The male attention hasn't, that was always there. Her choice to be with you also hasn't, she still chooses to be with you.
Yes, thats all true. The main thing thats changed, is that I wasn't sure if we were going to elevate to a "serious" relationship beforehand. As things got serious, I started to look at things differently I guess.
@JustaDude2022
i think that is valid reason ......when you are not is a serious relationship you might think your opinion of her selfies were just your own ....Now in a serious relationship ......if your uncomfortable or feel she may not see how it looks from outside you should be able to speak up. IMO.
I see it on a fitness app i use ....... while i can appreciate they may be documenting progress ect it looks more like a selfie one would use on a dating site and then MANY get all upset that ppl are hitting on them....post these giant rants about i am not here to date then perhaps look at what you are posting because it can be taken a different way. one can document themselves without posting to everyone .
this goes for both sexes and frankly think these folks really DO see the way it looks......... but play it off as No it was not meant to be advertising..... some have even made puckered up lips and that is supposed to look natural ?
B.
I don't see any harm in what she does. She might or might not have a lower self esteem and posting those pictures might boost her self esteem. Point is, if you accept her the way she is, and love her like she is, her need for boosting her self esteem online might diminish.
While I understand your point, I must add that I have been accepting/loving her for who she is. And it doesn't seem to have any affect on her self esteem. So, while agree that what she's doing might be harmless, I disagree that my accepting/loving her will change the behavior.
@JustaDude2022
I understand that you see it differently once the relationship is progressing towards "serious", however, if we take her at her word, the pics have absolutely nothing to do with anyone else and are meant for herself to enjoy. Her enjoyment also includes the reactions and public (male) attention they attract.
If we are completely honest, no matter how modest a beautiful woman tries to dress, there will always be attention. That's just the world we live in. I respect the fact that she brushes it off as part of the background in life : irrelevant : as it should be. It really would be upto you whether you are able to accept the background noise in her life as part of her existence, or whether you prefer a more quiet space with someone who doesn't attract attention.
@JustaDude2022,
you say you accept her for who see is. Yet you want to see change in her behavior. That seems like a contradiction.
Instead of looking outward, ask yourself why you feel uncomfortable.
And no, the relationship gotten more serious has nothing to do with it.
It says something about you. What is it that makes you feel like she is doing something wrong? Afraid to loose her? We don't own others so being afraid to loose someone is futile.
What is it?
What is it YOU can do to feel at ease? What is it you can contribute to build a strong bond? With you, hence with het?
I do accept her for who she is, but I have recently come to understand that she does something that bothers me. I am just not thrilled about the act of putting content out publicly knowing that it will encourage sexual attention. While I have accepted that she is beautiful and will always get male attention, close up selfies with cleavage showing is encouraging of sexual attention. It bothers me to be in a fully committed serious relationship with someone who partakes in that type of behavior. I'm not afraid of losing her and this isnt coming from a place of insecurity. Im not tring to control her either, as im just stating how i feel about it but have not asked her to chanfe hwr behavior. I guess what it boils down to is, if we cant align on how we perceive this issue Im not sure that I can continue in the relationship. Its not a "me bad you good" or vice versa thing. I just think we might have misaligned values. On the otherhand, I do realize that its 2022 and these types of "thirst trap" social media posts are mode of the norm than the exception. So, I might be doomed to eternal "singledom" or finding a nice Amish woman haha. 1st world problems I guess, but I know lots of guys that feel the same way and have just accepted it. Personally, this is my first time experiencing it first hand. Ive dated girls who behaved this way in the past, but it was always casual so i didnt give a crap.
@JustaDude2022 it's ok to express how you feel, but at the end of the day, it's her body and her choice. It wouldn't be right for her to limit her self expression because of how other people might perceive it. If men are attracted to her pictures, it's their problem, not hers. If she posts those photos because she feels good about the way she looks there, she shouldn't give up on posting them and make a sacrifice because of what other people might think.