Lonliness
I have been disliked since the first grade. My peers never wanted to hang around me and would socially bully me. In the 4th grade i asked my parents why no one liked me and was told that it was because i didnt put enough effort in. I was asking people the hangout almost every day at the time. So i started begging. If i wanted to stop my parents voice would ring in my head. They found out about the begging and stopped it early. In the 6th grade was where the lonliness really hit. My then bestfriend (to me she was my best friend but i was just a toy or something to her) at the time had a birthday party and called me ugly in the bathroom. After that and a few other things i ended our "friendship" and i was completely alone with no one. People wouldnt even look at me sometimes. At one point it got so bad that i praywd for a friend. I had a dream that night of a girl named "shirley" and she was the ideal friend. Nice, loyal, funny, listened just great. I thought it meant i was gonna get a friend soon. Waited 3 months and nothing. After I became a husk of a human as lonliness ate at me. I was a husk of a human supressing who i was so it wouldnt be destroyed by my pain turning me bitter and angry and mean (i will admit i was close thats why i shut down). In 8th grade my feild trip partner planned to abandon me at canadas wonderland to go with her friends even though i put so much effort into being her friend. Things got better in highschool but i still didnt really know what good friends were. Highschool friends certainly better tenfold but they didnt really seem to care in the end. Made a game and no one played it after they said they would, they also ditched our "prom night" plans we made years in advance just little things that turn big. I'm now in uni and my friendships seem to be healthy. It's weird and I don't know how to handle it most of the time. They say im a good friend and a nice person and other really nice things ive never had a friend tell me but i struggle to believe them sometimes (my bad days). Remember shirley? Well since grade 6 ive pledged to be like her as she never existed and is a good friend to work twords. Since then being shirley is my goal. Im getting close i just have to get the courage to initiate hangouts and i really struggle with pushing past anxiety and past emotions. It also snowballs cuz if i make 1 little friend mistake it piles on the "cant initiate" thought and consumes me.
In the end im scared to loose everything again.
Thanks for reading any advice, encouragement just anthing is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
@LearningFriendship
You're brave and you're honest to yourself. I'm sure you are a great friend to be with.
One way to have a friend is to be one.
Sounds like what happened in the past has left a scar in you. I hope you will find support to heal here, whether sharing the stories (1-1, group, forum) or writing it down. Again and again until you can let go of the past.
Believe that you have so much to offer. Believe in yourself 💜
@LearningFriendship
Thanks for sharing with us and I'm sorry you feel this way. My advise would be to focus on yourself, give attention to your likes, hobbies, interests and practice self love. Write 10 things you love about yourself today! The right people will will give you their time and friendship. Even though your exspierences with friendships in the past hasn't been great, it's best to try to work towards letting those moments go as they only brings hurt, doing what you're doing now, talking about it is a great step forward. When something stems from childhood it's easy to see how anxiety grows into adulthood, and anxiety can be crippling to some, maybe you could look into reaching out to a specialist too?
when you find yourself doubting your current friends words, ask yourself if they've given you a reason to believe they're not genuine, if they haven't, tell yourself you're present isn't your past.
You seem like you have alot to offer to friendship, be yourself and remember "those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter"!
I'm here if you want to talk 🙂
I have gone through most of the details but I have not reached the part where people say to me that I am a good friend, I still get abandoned even though I finished uni and working now.
I think you have put a lot of effort to improve yourself, I also think that you are maybe sensitive like me while most of the people are not when it comes to treating other friends.
Anyways, good job and keep up the good efforts and the good spirit as you deserve the best for your loyalty
@LearningFriendship
Hi! Hope you're okay
It was great sharing you're story with us. It's important to know that we're all unique human beings and no one can forces us to be someone we aren't. However, we can always learn from our past, right?
With the situation you were into for some while, It's natural to feel some doubts about your way of actions toward your present relationships. But we should stop blaming ourselves. You are trying as hard as you can and that is the most important thing that matters. We can't mind read others about ourselves nor should we push ourselves too hard in that matter.
Sometimes we should try our best along with being ourselves, and trust the timing :)
If you think you still have some hard time, therapy or anything related to socializing like webinars, group therapy or some gatherings can also be helpful.
Just remember you have come a long way and that shows progress, and nothing can take that away from you. We should try to detach ourselves from our past traumas and learn about them.
Great wishes for you along your journey :)
@daydreammemories
