My boyfriend prioritizes me & his friends the same

I'm sorry you're experiencing this, it's a tough place to be.

I know someone who sounds like your boyfriend - his friends and family always came before his girlfriend. I really liked her, but also totally understood when they broke up. I believe that at some point it's one's significant other that becomes immediate family and should take priority.

@cinnabon407

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

My boyfriend and I are in our early 20s and have dated seriously for a year now. We're both exclusive and talk often of our future.

The problem is that I recently discovered he prioritizes our relationship the same as his friends and school. I'm okay with him prioritizing school over me since we attend university, however, I am NOT okay with him prioritizing his friends equally to me. (I can see this is bothering you a lot, you have a right to feel the way you do. I do get the sense you want to feel special and loved in a way which could be why you are feeling this way. I could be wrong here, but they are some triggers here from your past that are taking over such as "I want him to prioritize me, if not i dont feel loved")

I talked to him about this problem, and I said I want him to prioritize our relationship over his friends. (You have to be careful here because depending on how you brought it up is going to make him feel trapped or smothered because it might make him think he has to choose you first over them) This is because I believe friendship does not allow for commitment, long-term cohabitation, childrearing, complete emotional intimacy, financial interdependence, sensual touch and physical affection, and legally binding agreements like marriage. Partners are two halves of a whole, (I understand where you are coming from this, however two partners need to have their own individuality before, during and after a relationship. Both sides complementing each other completeness, not making each other as a whole) yet he doesn't believe that. His response was that I should get over it, (He was very dismissive with his response here. I can tell he doesn't prioritize emotions and often shows zero empathy for them, so this will often makes you feel disconnected. Those are things he shouldn't say to you) and just accept that he prioritizes me & his friends the same. (He is trying to force his opinion on you, while not taking the time to understand where you are coming from. This is a huge issues, he doesn't have the ability to be soothing and comforting) He believes partners aren't two halves of a whole. He also believes our relationship needs shouldn't be prioritized over the needs of his other friends. He thinks friends aren't always temporary, but I think friends can change as a fact of life.

I am very offended and slighted. (Its understandable how you feel, it was a very rough conversation which probably make you feel disconnected.) To me, placing your long-term significant other equally in importance to other friends is ridiculous. (This part right here is something he did as well, you are both minimizing and dismissing what each other think, so the connection you two have will get ruptured. Anxiety is playing a major role on how you both feel about the situation)

If you can help in any way, I'd appreciate it. Have you ever dealt with a similar situation before? If in the future we get married and have kids, will he still prioritize his friends & our kids equally? This makes zero sense to me and I'm very offended by his stance, especially since he won't compromise. (One thing i noticed is how a lot of us grow in emmeshed family where we are way too close, while our identity, individuality and our sense of self not being formed. This could be where you might feel two halves create one whole. I do think it would be not good if he prioritizes friends, family over you, but in this case is not whats going on. Theres a part inside of you that want to feel loved, special, adored, number one above anything else, and if this is not done then it can definetly trigger this anxiety)

It sounds like you two have different views of what a relationship should be like. In general, I tend to agree with your boyfriend - partners and friends can be equally important, though the type of relationship is different, and I also believes that partners are not two halves of a whole, we're all whole people, but we may find another whole person that has a unique meaning for us and we fall in love. But it's ok to have different views! However, I believe you should really keep talking about this and see if your views can be compatible or if they clash too much. Maybe you two simply have different ideas of what "prioritizing" means and what it implies for your lives. But you can only understand this by discussing in-depth your ideas and their practical consequences. It's very important to do this, as sometimes issues that we overlook or underestimate may become bigger problems later. You did well to bring up this issue, if it's something that disturbs you. I hope you can keep discussing this and arrive to a conclusion together - whether it is possible for you to keep on with this relationship and accomodate the wishes and needs of both, and if so, how to do it. It's hard to discuss things that touch us so deeply, but it's very important in a relationship to face things together and do your best to see if and how it's possible to find common ground. What truly matters is that eventually you will both find a way to be happy, and that none of you makes sacrifices that are unbearable for them.