Sick of being undecided
Hallo. I come to 7cups each time to talk to listeners about my issue but this time I will write my problem here (for the first time) and I hope I can get some clarity of what is actually the best for me…
So (long sigh) I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years now and it has been a wonderful journey until the beginning of this year when he basically closed all the options for us to grow as a couple.
He basically announced that if I would ever become pregnant with his baby he would want me to go on abortion. It was a big hit, not because he doesn’t want a baby with me. That was clear since the beginning (we both have two already from previous relationships). What hurt was the extend he would be willing to go to in order to not to have that baby. But you know what? I was able to absorb this, I explain to him that he should NEVER decide for a woman whether to keep or not a conceived baby, that it’s her body.
Ok and now to the major issue of the moment: In January this year I asked him if he would be willing to live together. I found this as a great step forward. He has a big house and he is renting two studios on the top floor to the students. I know he likes his space, I would never ask him to move in together if I was not ready to keep his personal space available for him as much as possible.
His resolutive answer was no, that he could not live with his partner under the same roof anymore (hi did so already 4 times and it never ended well). I did not get a satisfying answer why it is so, his exact words are - I need my bubble and I don’t feel well when it is crossed).
I must also tell that except this hurdle our relationship was always nice, we communicate quite well and have many common points. In my 39 years of life I have never had a relationship like this, loving and enjoying every moment together to the fullest. We meet almost every day and spend 1-2 nights a week together at his house a week.
Its been 8 months since he told me that he does not intend to live with his partner and even if I am trying so hard to accept this, I feel like my mental state goes downhill. I feel like my dreams have been shuttered. I feel like all the other people who lived or live under the same roof with him are more important than me including his past girlfriends, his children and the students renting his space on the top floor.
I am constantly in my thoughts going in circles. Starting with : ok it’s time for some boundaries, just tel him you cannot accept it and break up with him, you are still young full of energy, you can still find someone with similar relationship goals. Moreover this relationship is slowly making you sick (really I feel like I am losing energy hovering around this and I even got much more grey hairs now).
So but after I am mentally broken up with him I come back to persuading myself to at it’s not that bad, we love each other so much and perhaps it is because we do not live together and every moment spent together is just so much more precious.. So I come back to the state where I am happy for a while until we go on vacation where I get to taste again the common full moments together for a week and then it’s hard for me to accept that this will never happen to the fullest..
The relationship game is a tough game for me.
I need advice on how to handle this. Yes he may never change but I am still hoping that with some patience, positive attitude and couples therapy we could both be happy.
I need to have a space in relationship where we work on a common goal (a happy home in this case) and I also need to do things for my closest loved ones (it’s easier for me than doing things for me).
Thank you for reading until here, any opinion and advice is welcome.
Luculele
Hmm, this sounds difficult... I don't know if I could cope with a relationship where my partner was unwilling to ever live with me... and I love living on my own. To the point where moving in with a partner would be in a way, a sacrifice for me. One that I'd be willing to make for someone I loved, but I would miss living alone. But even so... I would want to live with my partner.
But it does sound like he knows what he wants and well... he may or may not change his mind. But you can't move forward thinking he will. I think you need to proceed as if he was not going to change his mind. If you think that this is absolutely not something you could cope with, then he needs to know that and you should probably end it. If you think it's something you can and are willing to come to terms with, then it's worth fighting for. And if in the end, he changes his mind, it'll be a bonus.
I think staying in a relationship hoping the other person will change is a recipe for disaster. Like... people can and do change for the better, but they don't always. And there's no way of knowing. So if who they are now is problematic (in a fundamental way, of course small issues are a different matter) and you're just hanging around in hopes they will change... it probably won't end well.
Of course, this is easier said than done. And as usual, communication is very important. Have you discussed the issue any more since he first told you he does not want to live with you?
i would agree that he seems clear and hoping for a change seems like a a waste of time. It is your turn if his items are a no go for you the living situation etc then move on....
life is too short for hoping people change ... they do not enough to make it worthwhile
@Luculele- he is being really clear about his relationship boundaries and rules. THink ahead in your life - one, five and ten years. And be honest with yourself - he does not want to change his rules. Only you can find the answer to your life now, and in the future. Take care.
Hi !
man, this seems like a tough situation to be in especially because youve never experienced this kind of love so i can only imagine this is the reason that leaving seems to be so much harder.
I dont think its safe to assume anything especially when it comes to a relationship of 3 years and you both are adults who seem to be expressing what each other wants from this relationship.
It is clear that this is very important to you & you are even willing to make the compromise of moving where he is comfortable however, i wouldnt do this. In the end, you may regret this and feel that you made the sacrifice while he didnt have to pick up and move his life around. I think the move should mutually be agreed on.
Consider if this is a dealbreaker for you. If this is, i would recommend sitting with him and starting off the conversation by saying that you’d like to talk about this because it is very important to you & that you would really like him to open up his heart & be more communicative of what really is holding him back from moving in with you.
It seems he is fearing a commitment because he is afraid of past mistakes but he shouldnt hold this against you. By him telling you of his previous experiences, you may be able to get more clarity as to whether he was the problem or the other person was in those situations which could be helpful for you to see how he expresses himself about the other person in that situation. This information could reveal any green or red flags that could sway you into changing your mind.
If he still declines & youve communicated it all i think its best to call it quits but i just dont think his “bubble” could be a good enough reason to NEVER move in with you.. I love living alone & the thought of having someone living with me sucks but if i loved this person I would make this sacrifice or atleast provide a better reasoning especially if ive already experienced this with someone else.. i think the bubble reasoning could only fly if theyve never lived with anyone else before.
Hopefully my opinion helps you or anyone reading. I hope you have clarity soon & everything works out for the best ! Sending much love & light!
