something that's been confusing me
I hope I don't sound rude or exaggerating, as these are my real thoughts and I never intend to offend anyone.
But, I feel that when a listener asks 'How can/may I help you?' I always don't know how to respond. I mean, to me it sounds a little robotic and gives me customer-service vibes (not that it matters too much though, but it just sounds stiff). And I'm here to be listened and supported, not really to be helped, so to be honest every time a listener starts with that I become...confused.
Starters like 'What brings you here to 7 Cups?' also sends me into a brain static. I know the answer might be obvious for some people but for me it's a bit unclear. I don't understand how I should answer. If I answer 'I'm here to be listened and supported', wouldn't that sound too general, as everyone who's here are for that purpose?
Personally, I feel more comfortable with 'How are you feeling?' or 'What do you want to talk about?'
If anyone could enlighten me, that'll be very much appreciated >< Thank you!
Once I wrote about how listeners should approach people long time ago, yet noone listened....
@BllackCatLuna oh dear, that is terrible :(
I agree, the way some listeners approach me sort of making me uncomfortable sometimes, but its not like theyre necessarily breaking any rules or being rude...
who can we possibly contact about this?
@Hydrangea03
There is no use...
You have to educate them by example and approaches must be personalised or else you just talk to Noni...though I woukd have liked to workto enhance and expand Noni' AI...
It's just a sad reality, they are what they are contricted by that "listener" training...they become robots instead of humans, "phrases that they are told to feed people"...
Well, try again, not all of them are like that, I had excellent listeners in time....
@BllackCatLuna ah, yes I understand. I, too, would love to see if Noni can do much more...and I personally believe the listener training (even if I don't know what it looks like) should be updated and advanced...
I guess for now what we can do is to manually avoid listeners that make us uncomfortable, yeah ><
@Hydrangea03
I can yeach you a few tips in the future how to be a good listener that they do not have in their corse and never "listened" to 😊...
@BllackCatLuna I'm not a listener, but I would appreciate it so much if you could mention your points! Maybe this time hopefully many people will read and learn :)
@Hydrangea03
I am not a listener either...
And the same apply to members too...
- state in your profile that you invite your interlocutors to first read your profile before engaging in a chat...note in your profile that you write slow and taje time to read in order to acknowledge and process what has been said...this gives you time...
- connect with the interlocutor at a personal level...take ypur time to read their profile, are they adult or teen, when they conected, and what is more important analyse carefully their profile name. Some leave tge profile name given by 7cups by default but others prefffer to customise their names and most of the times the names they chose tell things about them, who they are, interests, language etc...
- greet them in their language...if you figured out where they are from, from their profile or name, google translate and greet them in their language...that will pleasantly surprise them and will be an icebreaker conversation point even if you misspelled it.😶
- avoid stereotipes and personalise your conversation, advice or opinion are discouraged in the classic listener guide but you may ask politely your interlocutor how would they feel if you express opinions about what what they say or share similar experiances...only acknowledging or saying hm, ah, I understand is not helpful...of course the interlocutor must have the majority of the space and priority but most of them seek conversation not only monologue...
- white lies and small compliments are allowed since it makes almost everyone feel good if you say smth nice to them 😶...
I wish you well...🤗😊
@Hydrangea03
Oh yes, do not hesitate to tell them or block them if you want to aboid their persistance...
Rating them also helps and report any abusive one...
Back in the times the site used many underdeveloped country to populate their site with users: members, listeners, moderators etc...these people had nothing to do with the principles of 7cups, they were payed to increase the popularity of 7cups, that is all...
@Hydrangea03 I partly agree.
"How can I help you?" makes the assumption that you are seeking help, but you might not be seeking help, so in my opinion that is not a good question.
"What brings you here to 7 Cups?" makes the assumption that you came to 7 Cups, and of course that is true! So in my opinion that question is OK.
"How are you feeling?" makes the assumption that you want to talk about a feeling, but you might not want to talk about a feeling, so in my opinion that is not a good question.
"What do you want to talk about?" makes the assumption that you know what you want to talk about, but you might not know, so in my opinion that is not a good question.
It's difficult to think of a question that doesn't make any assumptions at all. "Wassup!" is kind of OK but probably too informal, and not everyone knows what it means.
Another important point is that it's OK for you to reply however you want. If a listener says something that makes you confused, it's OK to say, "I'm confused now!" or "I'm having brain static!"
And another point is that if you say something meaningful right at the start of the chat, then the listener will not have a chance to ask any kind of dumb question just to get the chat going. If you just say, "Hi" and then wait, you are almost certain to get one of these robotic questions.
Charlie
@RarelyCharlie
Thank you so much for answering :)
However, Im still confused as to how answer the starter questions >< to be honest, even now I cant think of what to reply to any of them other than ‘How are you?. So if you are willing, could you perhaps give me examples?
Yup, Ive also now started to tell the listeners that Im confused/not sure how to respond when they confuse me!! xD Im glad most of them understand~
Also, Im not sure what I should say in the beginning of the conversation other than introducing myself?
So sorry, but Im really this bad at conversing with anyone at all...;0;
@Hydrangea03
You are not bad at all, we are having conversations here witout any formalism or confusion 😊.
It already works that you tell them that you are confused how to answer and they understand as long as you express the real good listeners understand 🤗😊...
There is no protocol in engaging someone, you speak and communication follows...
You haven't even noticed but you already spoke to two persons already 🤗😊😀
Take care and have confidence😉
@Hydrangea03 OK, here's another idea…
What if you completely ignore the dumb robotic question—don't even read it—and just pretend the listener asked, "How are you?" Would you be able to reply if you did that?
And another idea…
Start the chat by describing something that just happened in real life. It doesn't matter what it is. You can change the subject later. Just don't give the listener time to go robotic on you.
Message me now, if you like, using one of these techniques, to see how it feels.
Charlie
@Hydrangea03
Hi! I'm quite new at 7 cups and at the first conversations I also felt a little bit strange and didn't know exactly what to say and how to introduce myself, in the end I just thought I would right away tell my feelings and why I opened the chat actually, for instance: "I came here because in the last month I felt a little confused and wanted to talk about something that happened to me... etc." Then I explained what I wanted to talk about and waited for a reply. Once I saw that the listener wasn't maybe too much in that particular subject, so I looked for someone else and also based on what's written on the listener's profile (bio and subjects he/she is available to talk about) I found another listener who really had a very nice conversation with me about this and told me I could reach out again if I needed. My small experience, I hope that this approach might help you!
@RinaP
I think that is a very good apprpach to conversation, "dive in" 😊
It is just how I learmed to swim and my love with water, I just dived in 😶...
If they are good listeners they would follow on whatever you say, it is a good dorect approach 😊.
Al so one of my friends started by warning people about her condition, she said "I am a person with learning disability..." and the interlocutor would immediately have a heads up and adapt their approach...
Whatever goes as long as there is common sense, politeness and caring...
@RarelyCharlie This is very true
I find this an awkward question too. If it's at the start of the chat, I usual just jump into what I had been thinking of sharing anyway. Further in, I usually respond with something like by acitve listening. Typically I find it's listeners who don't know how to active listen who would ask it at that point though.
If I have been getting bad advice, then I might respond to the question with something like, I'm not here for advice, I'm looking for empathy. On occassion a listener will surprise me and actually change up their approach and become a better listener for me when I say that. It's rare though, there's many people here with listener accounts who don't seem to understand what active listening is.
@Hydrangea03
I toatally get it. I think the reason they do it is maybe becuase they want to keep things open ended. It's likely that that is just their default opening response, and you can always dodge the question of "What do you want to talk about" and say, I want to talk about how I am feeling, or I feel kind of...
Remember that they are there for you and even though it sounds a little customer servicy, its just their way of trying to open the conversation.
@Hydrangea03 Not sure if anyone else has said this, but for me personally it can feel a little frustrating being asked "how can I help you" because I don't know what helps me, that's part of the problem. If I knew, I might be okay. I appreciate the effort of course, it's just that I don't know what to do, that's why I'm here
@Hydrangea03
You said:
"Personally, I feel more comfortable with 'How are you feeling?' or 'What do you want to talk about?"
That is spot-on. 
From day one here as a Listener, I have always preferred to begin a conversation with, How are doing today (in general) and/or What would you like to chat about?
If/when one is only seeking a casual-type chat or an "icebreaker" chat, I like to start that with universal topics such as What is your favorite genre(s) of music or favorite food(s) or favorite TV shows/movies or favorite actors/actresses.
Never had a problem with that so far.
@BeautifulBreeze thank you for your input!
I love the icebreakers idea :)
This is valuable feedback. Thank you.
Some questions put unnecessary and unintentional stress on members. Semantics is so important and challenging.
For example, a member kindly told me once that quantifying a question can help slightly, ie: "how are you at this moment?" is slightly better than "how are you?" Little tweaks can help make the intent of the question more clear. I have been using "what would you like to talk about right now" and I agree that it tends to get the chat going a little less awkwardly.
The most valuable thing to my listening has been member feedback in real-time. Members suggesting "hey, you're starting to sound a little robotic there, loosen up!" or "I really don't know what that means can you rephrase" or "that question makes me uncomfortable" are all valuable criticisms. (:
Thanks to everyone for speaking up.
@melonMeloncholy thank you for your input as well!!
@Hydrangea03
I understand this, but that's how 7 cups trains us. We are told it's the best way to start. If you have more questions please do ask
@hopefulFlower6295 In the original post, in June 2020, @Hydrangea03 wrote:
Personally, I feel more comfortable with 'How are you feeling?' or 'What do you want to talk about?'
These are two of the questions our listener training tells us to ask! 
"How are you feeling?" is the correct answer in one of the quizzes at the end of Skill 3: Asking questions.
"What would you like to talk about?" is the example of how to start a chat in Chat Etiquette.
I know, of course, that there's a lot of other training that makes things more confusing 
Charlie
@RarelyCharlie I didn't say that those things weren't appropriate etiquette though? I was just explaining why we say those things
@hopefulFlower6295, I don't think Charlie is telling you that it's not appropriate etiquette, I think Charlie is just trying to say that those sentences are advised to be chat starters in some listener guides, such as the Chat Etiquette guide provided by 7 Cups However, I don't know anything about those guides as I'm not a listener. That said, I understand what you mean as well. I understand it's what 7 Cups train listener to say, unfortunately that sort of chat starter may not fit 'one for all', as some people, like me, are uncomfortable with it. So maybe, ideally, listeners and members can coordinate and discuss on what feels comfortable in order to proceed with an active and functional conversation.
joined 7cups yesterday as a listener, and yeah! i was kind of taken aback when i read the formulated repsonse - 'what brings u to 7cups?' - chi, that's so robotic! if i were a member, i'd get weirded out if i felt like i was speaking to a bot!
so, instead, i opt for a casual 'what's on your mind?' or 'what do u wanna talk about?'. makes for a much more productive and comfortable conversation!
I understand and appreciate you input! It does feel customer service-y. I guess it sounds a bit too professional for a more casual/friendly setting like 7Cups, plus like what I’ve mentioned in my initial post, I truly don’t know how to respond haha. And yes I agree that ‘what’s on your mind?’ and ‘what do you want to talk about?’ personally feels more comfortable!
@siushi