How to be vulnerable - A discussion with Laura
I have been thinking about this word, what it means for individuals and how it applies to our community. I have been reading and listening to some of the work of Brene Brown (https://brenebrown.com/). Here is a summary of her ideas on vulnerability and how it applies to your life personally and our community.
(This post got unintentionally long, was feeling very inspired this morning :) - please leave questions, comments..etc.)
------> To talk about vulnerability, we must first discuss shame. At its simplest, shame is the fear of disconnection.
Thoughts like: Is there something about me that if other people knew about it or saw it, I would no longer be worthy of connection. I would be embarrassed, exposed, and therefore undeserving. Feelings of shame can be very powerful.
Other things we know about shame:
- Its universal, everyone experiences it
- Nobody wants to talk about it
- The less you talk about it, the more you have it
------> Now, what underpins shame? This is where the vulnerability comes into play.
Thoughts like: ?I?m not enough,? ?I am not rich enough,? ?I am not strong enough,? ?I am not pretty enough?
These thoughts of not being enough represent our vulnerabilities. They represent theidea that in orderfor connection to happen for me, I have to allow myself to be seen in certain way.
Accepting your vulnerabilities is no cake walk, in fact it can be a slug fest, a fight, a no way game.
The world we live in requires us to ask for help, make challenging choices, tell someone something uncomfortable, hear something we don?t want to hear?etc. We will all have to face a diverse range of challenging situations throughout our lives. This is just a fact of life.
Because of this, it can be easier to just ignore our vulnerabilities, numb ourselves to them.
Many of us have come to see our vulnerabilities as weaknesses, things that are wrong with us. But this could not be any further from the truth.
In fact, it?s quite the opposite:
- Vulnerability is courage
- It?s about showing up in times of deep uncertainty, fear and emotional risk.
- It?s bravery - it'sbrave to show up and take a look
------> Do I have to do show up? Do I have to face my vulnerabilities?
The short answer is yes. And here is why:
If vulnerability is uncertainty, risk & emotional exposure, then to be human is to be vulnerable.
Vulnerability is something we do every day, something we experience every day. So to ignore something we experience dailyis a risk.
I challenge you all to embrace vulnerability because its not only embedded in the human experience, but fundamental to our work here at 7 Cups.
Vulnerably is the honest, raw bid for connection. It is about intimacy, trust and connection. We share our stories with people who earn the right to hear them.
When our members press, ?connect now? this is what they are seeking.We also see this in our listener/listener interactions:having to ask a mentor for some extra support or a peer support to help you after a difficult chat. Vulnerability is baked into our community, so its time we acknowledge it and face it head on.
We see vulnerability in our interactions on the site. But we also see vulnerability in the nature of what we are all doing here at 7 Cups, our collective mission.
Whether it?s the emotional support system for the Internet, a drawing or blog post, there is nothing more vulnerable in the art of creation. We are working together as a unified team to change support and fill the empathy gap. We are creating something that has never existed before.
Being vulnerable is problem solving, being proactive, adaptable, when you see a challenge (personal, with a member, in the community) you walk towards it. It?s hard and it requires courage and bravery. But the result, even if you (or we) make a few mistakes along the way, will always be profound.
Another way to think about this idea is: think about life (and our community) as an arena.
For many people, failing is too overwhelming, too scary. Due to this fear, many people loiter on the outside of the arena, too nervous to enter, take the first step.
And their fear may be spot on, its there ? their fear is real. But the bottom line is, if you?re going to enter the arena, your going to face challenges, get your butt kicked, fall down, make mistakes...
Asscary and as dangerous as that sounds, its not as scary and as dangerous as spending your entire life lingering outside the area, wondering: ?What if I tried that?? ?What if I had given that idea?? ?What if I had said yes??
If we are going to find our way back to each other, we have to enterthe arena and accept that vulnerability is part of this path.
I want you to dive in, boldly walk into the arena, with the support of the community at your back.
So today,I dare you.
There is no meaning for love for it does not exist the love you would see in movies or read in books are completely fictional agreed, love has no meaning because you are one with the person that there is no description no possible answer as to why him or her. Why your heart races at the touch or go completely mad for this person. Love is something that's indescribable and beautiful yet so painful. Because you can never stop loving them even if they hurt you or feels no way the same.
Being brave. Shame IS powerful. I have been struggling with shame for years. I believe my boyfriend struggles with shame as well. We both becomedefensive with one another when we try to have important conversations. I feel a lot of times that he tries to shame me. I do that enough myself! I don't need him to do it for me! I also feel ignored and unimportant when he does not respond to important conversations with compromise. We seem to be having the same problems over and over again, without resolution. It feels like hitting a brick wall over and over again.
Although I feel as if the relationship is failing, I do love him verymuch. He is a good, hardworking man who, I believe, tries to do his best for me at times. I just wonder if I have outgrown the relationship. I have needs that are not being met emotionally. And in turn I tend to hold back on other areas of our relationship.
My question is this. Can two people who struggle with shame truly love one another? I am considering ending the relationship because of the lack of emotional support and because of the shaming. However, every time I try to end it, I place the love I have for him on the table and I am unable to follow through. I am scared that I would be making a terrible mistake by leaving him. He does love me in his own way.
Any suggestions or feedback???
God I am in a similar situation with my significant other!
I agree
Love....I've come to believe it comes from inspiration. The one person I need the most is myself. Forgiveness was the biggest obstacle for me. It was during a hospital stay in 1994 I believe, that I experienced forgiveness. At this time I felt that if I could forgive, I wouldn't be so angry, this would allow me to love. The desire to give love took me on an internal journey. I decided to admit myself into the hospital as I had made a plan to end my life. I had researched several adoption agencies for my children as I felt that my love for them was not enough to give them the security they needed to achieve something I could not teach. I couldn't keep a job due to black outs. I saw myself as a threat to them. I did love them more than my own life. My plan was if I could not understand forgiveness, (somehow I knew this was the missing ingredient) , I could never learn to love. Forgiveness meant that somehow I would have to say that what happened was acceptable, I was afraid I would become the very thing I hated if I were to accept what had happened as ok. Without the need to struggle for a character that supports self worth and dignity I just could not find a purpose to exist. However, I felt my children would have a better chance if they were not forced to be faced with my mental illness. With the help of my psychiatrist, psychologist, and therapist we held a session that I will never forget. They brought me into a small room, closed the door and just after we sat down began praying. This made me feel very uncomfortable so I began the dissociation almost immediately. Something different took place this time. Instead of going out ( unaware of self) I heard a voice....not really a voice....sort of like your own thoughts but strong, calm and clear thought...'come before the throne of God boldly'. Of course I haven't told you that I don't do religion...so this makes the experience even more remarkable for me. Nothing in me wanted to run. I totally trusted this unseen, unnatural experience above my own self (unaware they were one in the same). As I (I witnessed with my 'mind's eye) moved toward 'the throne of God' boldly I saw myself as a child, without shame completely unafraid of approaching. My thoughts were (separate from the calm, clear voice) wanted to protect the child (which was myself) from what would happen ......suddenly I felt fear for the child but I became flooded with memories of things I had done because I was angry....Some of these memories I had already justified for myself like I had given myself a right to behave this way....even viewed my behavior as noble.....I broke....truly broke....weeping to see myself so clearly....i asked for forgiveness....I am so sorry. Instantly for the first time someone heard me and certainly knew me. I saw myself totally naked before the throne without shame. I am loved and I know because I am forgiven. Now that is what I call inspiration. If I can be loved, if forgiveness is for me....there is hope. I knew I could let the perpetrator go. I don't need to understand, i am free of the anger because I know that forgiveness is what we all need it is available....it just happened to me...i stand as a proxy for 'the perpetrator' as I have been forgiven, please forgive...... So many stories of how inspiration brought hope and understanding allowing all things to exist with purpose both good and bad. Really can't explain it....it is a mystery. My journey taught and still teaches me to accept the mystery. Sometimes I am afraid but now I wait with expectation for inspiration to come....I am never alone. Inspiration has never failed me....it just took a lifetime for me to trust the self that inspiration has allowed me to see instead of the self that was constantly looking for validation, self worth b through the expectations of others, and the need to exist as I am in the sight of others who themselves see through a glass darkly. I just know that when the time comes we will take off the shades when we hear the right command to do so....we know love as we are loved. Thank you for a place to try to express the best of this journey. Great post. Still learning
@dldhw
What a great topic Laura!! I hid my emotions inside because of the shame. I was blessed to find a great counselor, that i felt i could trust. I was able to get through my vulnerabilities with her help and get these emotions out for the first time. Thank you for this and keep up the great work!!
I currently live with my parents, and have being making plans to live, go back to school and find a job. It took me a long time to build up the courage, as I intend to do this in another city. I am feeling extremwly vulnerable, though I would never had guessed that's how I felt. I fear being stalked. And sometimes the fear is very intense as to make me want to give up my goals. I cant really say whether I'm imagining it or not.
Vulnerability and I....
Well, when it comes to physical vulnerabilty, I'm totally fine with it, whether it's on stage, sex, or anything else, I am great at that.
It's the vulnerability on the inside that I'm not okay with...period.
To make a long story short, growing up, I've learned that when I became that vulnerable, it ended up either hurting the people around me or it just ended badly for me. So that vulnerability is gone now. I don't even cry, not even when I'm alone. As this "hero" I've become, I can't afford to be.
However, I know it's human and I have every right to be. I know I deserve a break from being the "hero". I know I deserve a lot, however just because I may deserve it doesn't mean I receive it.
So when people try to see me vulnerable (whether for good or bad), I never let them. It's how I have survived for as long as I have. So instead, I give people what I can't have;someone to be vulnerable around and not get hurt. It's the only thing I know how to do.
However, this doesn't mean that I'm not trying. I mean, I'm on here, so that's a start. I admit that I have an issue with this. I'm trying, but it's not really working out right now. It doesn't mean it won't work out in the end, but rather it's an effort I have to keep making some how, for it's not something I can run away from.
I'm the opposite, I have a bigger problem with physical vulnerability, especially with those I don't trust. I've been stuck in that position many times in the past, and I think it's something I will have to endure many times in the future.
I was brave last night and it got me nowhere. I felt gross and unwanted, and the person I was hoping/fearing to see never showed up. I'm pretty sure he was avoiding me. I guess I got some experience points, though?
Hey, you'll level up soon. :D
Ive never been good at facing my vulnerabilities.