Forgiveness for Well-Being
Practicing forgiveness [or letting go of grudges] may lead to higher well-being over time, according to a new multinational study led by researchers from Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health and Harvard’s Human Flourishing Program
Excerpt from Forgiveness is linked with well-being
Sometimes, really forgiving someone or even ourselves can be super tough. We may feel that forgiving means we condone the action. Think of forgiveness like letting go of a hot frying pan you picked up. Forgiveness means stopping holding onto the painful experience, even if it was inappropriate or harmful.
Below are some points that can help with forgiveness:
Know how you're feeling: Admit what you're feeling about the person who hurt you. Figuring out what led to your anger or bitterness is the first step to forgiving them.
Think about what happened and how it affected you. Think about what you’ve learned from it and how it’s changed your outlook.
Set boundaries: Figure out if you're cool with forgiving and if it fits with what you believe. Sometimes, it’s okay to just move on without forgiving, but stopping dwelling on that incident.
Walk in the other person’s shoes. Try to see things from their point of view and understand why they do what they do. It can help you be more compassionate and lessen any grudges. Remember they want to be happy even if they are making themselves and others miserable.
It’s most important to give yourself time to be ready to forgive. Forgiveness comes from the heart.
Participation question:
- Are you still holding onto things that you need to forgive yourself for, and why?
- What would change inside of you if you forgave the person who wronged you? (Provided forgiveness is possible.) For example you could do self talk: “What they did was wrong and I do not condone their action, but it hurts me too much holding onto it so I am ready to let it go for my own peace of mind.”
Helpful Videos:
Helpful Resources:
Forgiveness is linked with well-being
Seeking Help
Mental stress can cause us not to be able to see the good things in life and lead to excessive rumination or worries, which can result in serious health problems. If you have serious, long-term problems with negative thinking and feeling depressed, see your doctor or talk to a therapist if they are related to any mental challenges.
Are you looking for a therapist? 7 Cups has online, certified therapists with a paid option. For more information on what happens in online therapy at 7 Cups, Read Lisa’s (a therapist and director of therapy) explanation
https://www.7cups.com/forum/therapy/General_2432/WeveLaunchedTalkTherapyon7Cups_319430/
To apply for 7 Cups online therapy, click on this link (must be logged into member account) https://www.7cups.com/online-therapy/?ob=1
@amiablePeace77
@soulsings
Children, especially when young, will hardly see the fault in the parents but relate it to themselves. It can leave someone feeling unsure about a part of themselves for the rest of their life.
@amiablePeace77
I honestly thing forgiveness is such a personal thing.
And some things cannot be for me forgiven.
Forgiving someone doesn't lessen what they did but it allows you to begin to heal and move on.
I don't like when people force their idea of what forgiveness should look like into you, when you are the one that bears the trauma.
For me forgiveness has layers and stages.
@Amanda84
No one can "force" you to forgive; it needs to come from the inside. You need to be ready!
@amiablePeace77
forgiveness is definitely something that takes away a burden that one shoulders
the only downside is what 'scars' the action that caused the initial pain remain. one can forgive but ultimately have their lives impacted in interesting/unique ways. i know i have one
@Jeremiah29v11
It is good to get the burden lifted but the scars can take time and lots of self-care to heal.
@amiablePeace77
- Are you still holding onto things that you need to forgive yourself for, and why?
Absolutely not. There are already so many people doing that so I don’t need to add myself to that already big list by holding onto things too. Anything I need to forgive myself for in my life, I already have and moved on with my life happily.
- What would change inside of you if you forgave the person who wronged you?
There’s no if here for me as this was recently done. I realized not forgiving them was making me angry and miserable and knew I didn’t deserve to live that way. So I finally forgave that person.
And even though I don’t at all by any means condone the person’s actions, conduct, behavior, etc, and what was said about me still hurts me, I forgave the person so I can live my life with happiness as I deserve to.
This occurred after telling myself I didn’t do anything wrong so why am I suffering, why should I suffer for no reason, and why am I allowing it when I know I don’t deserve to suffer?? Forgiving the person was simply my answer to that.
@akunknown
Glad to hear that you moved on with your life happily! Forgiveness (when possible) can help to cut the ties with the past.
@amiablePeace77
There has been a few friends and family members who had to be forgiven.... as long as they realized what they did and apologized. The trick is to forgive but not forget - particularly not to repeat the situation you were put in.
One thing I learned while living in Japan is to apologize even if you are not sure if you did anything wrong. So I also taught myself to readily ADMIT if I did or could have done something wrong as a social exercise. It became automatic in no time. After all, nobody is going to punish you and the situation is much safer than you think. Lying on top of doing something wrong is a miscalculation.
People will trust those who do not come up with twisted excuses. It takes a bit of courage at first, but it pays off big time in the end.
This is akin to saying "I am sorry" in Canada. It does not mean you take the blame, says the law there.
@Fradiga
Twisted excuses will often increase the discomfort!
@amiablePeace77
..... and make people trust you less and less. I used to be late for work and always had the same excuse: I OVERSLEPT !! It seldom was a late bus. My boss ended up asking why that happened so often and I said I had trouble falling asleep and ended up ignoring my clock when it rang. She said she used an actual wake-up phone call that obliged her to get up to answer the phone, so that became the solution.
I was lucky punctuality was not a big factor for my annual report though.
@Fradiga
I really like that you did not look for an excuse but told the truth and it helped you too!
@amiablePeace77 I keep being confronted with this but it’s such an affront to me and so confusing. How do you forgive a man who was supposed to be your father and instead gave you DID only to turn around and ‘benefit’ from the sickness he caused again. What it’s done to me is beyond everyone’s imagination aside from people just like me who knew people just like him. People who are SICK. I’m so sick and I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this forgiveness thing. Thinking of being in his shoes makes me ANGRY.
@ConstellationSystem
What you experienced should have never ever happened! I can understand that the thought of forgiveness or "walking in their shoes" causes you anger. Some things cannot be forgiven. 🫂 (if okay). I hope you find support and comfort on the site. Please pm me if you would like to get any links to resources to support yourself on the site, and remember that you can always connect with a listener here.
Thankyou for your empathetic response and sorry I kinda flew off the handle. I’m trying to understand this and actually integrate it but at the same time not sure if I should. Thanks again. I’ll try.
@ConstellationSystem
You said how you felt about the thread and your honest reply is most appreciated! 💙
You’re very understanding, it’s appreciated and we got past this a bit recently, I think your response helped too. Have a good day
I feel very strongly about forgiveness, and am willing to offer it in many situations. Maybe I am not doing it in the right way? I do a lot of meditation and thinking, and I think I have truly forgiven a situation, but then at some point I remember a situation and all the feelings come flooding back and make me want to hide again.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
Going through past pain again sounds very painful. 💙 I believe forgiving is very important to work towards inner peace; however, it doesn't make the memories or feelings about past hurts go away. It helps us to release anger and resentment, though, but the memories of what happened and the feelings tied to those events may still be there. Sometimes, we need support to process events in our lives. Do you feel that is what you might need right now?
@amiablePeace77 That makes sense. I read once from a faith perspective that God will forgive sins, but there is still sometimes a ripple effect on our lives that we must deal with. Maybe it's something like that. I like the idea of offering someone grace and mercy, it makes me feel better when I apologize. But I must also recognize even after forgiveness there are still real-world consequences we must wrestle with.
Yes, more than anything I would like a friend to share my heart with. I would really like to feel as if someone out there truly knows me. I have a lot of love to give and would like some in return. This is why I find myself on 7cups, I'm very grateful for the kindness and support here. It makes me feel more human. Thank you for responding to all my posts. I was getting caught up on things I wanted to respond to yesterday. 😇 I really appreciate you.
@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas
I hope you will soon meet that friend!
@amiablePeace77 Theres one person I find very difficult to forgive. My daughter is living wit her partner of whom co parents wit her. This girl has said everything under the sun bout my family and I. She has cussed out my daughter and put her and my family down all in front of the child. She has destroyed stuff belonging to my daughter & threatened me. The girl from what my daughter and I know has a mental illness as well as has the disease of alcoholism but refuses to get help. My daughter tried moving out but wit no success. I just find it all very consuming. I have been able to forgive everyone who has hurt me all except for this girl which is due to my family being the target.
@eternalHero77
It's difficult to forgive when so much hurt has been done.
@amiablePeace77 It is difficult for sure but I pray dat God will soften my heart and somehow find forgiveness in her. Every single person on the planet all has our story and i’m sure she is no different.