Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check In - Monday February 12th 2018
I loved Ravens post yesterday about finding a peaceful place, and appreciating your surroundings. It was a very beautiful picture she painted in my mind. But of course, some peoples safe place may not be beautiful. Post trauma a lot of people may find themselves retreating, building walls around themselves, their own castle in which to stay safe.
How enticing does that look? A place of beauty, of peace, of safety. But is it? Do those walls keep you safe, or do they keep you trapped? Do they keep others out, or stop you escaping.
Is the reality really as enticing as the dream, or do you effectively end up behind walls that imprison you with your trauma? Where escape feels impossible?
I have news for you. Those walls can come down, and the view from outside them can be as beautiful as Raven described. But its bit by bit, and theres no way round them, you have to go through them. More news. Whilst you chip away from the inside, theres lots of people prepared to help you from the outside too. You just have to accept their help. After all, no ones going to come and start knocking walls down without your permission are they? But together you can break that wall down, you can find freedom from that trap you found yourself in. You can indeed be free.
How is your Monday going? This is a safe space to share how youre feeling, to ask for help if you want to start bringing those walls down, to make connections if youd rather stay behind them just a bit longer. Youre always guaranteed a warm welcome ❤️
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Hi! I'm new to the community and joined in part because I keep having intrusive thoughts about my abuser and it's really distracting me and making it hard to stay focused on the present, because I keep constructing this alternate reality where I'm still trapped
@Steph27194
Welcome to the community then Steph :) And great to hear from you, though I do wish the circumstances were different.
Im really sorry to hear about the thoughts youve been having. I wonder if theres a way of diminishing the power your abuser still seems to hold in your mind. If you could picture that person as a comic character for example, in your alternate reality, might that reduce their power to hurt you?
@Steph27194 Hi Steph and welcome to the Trauma Community! Sorry to hear that you are having intrusive thoughts about your abuser. You said that you were finding it difficult to stay in the present. Grounding techniques might be helpful for you, in terms of "staying in the present". The Recovery Resources Section on the Traumatic Experiences Community home page, has some great information on grounding techniques. Heres the Link:
If this link does not work, just visit the Trauma Recovery Resources Section, on the Traumatic Experiences Community home page. Hope this helps.
@DeborahUK
Hi miss Deboraaaaah
@sensitiveShade5337
Well, if it aint young Shade! Hello there. Hows life been treating you?
@DeborahUK
You are Miss Deborah shhhh 
I couldn't resist on coming back here.. I'm probably gonna be on and off here. I have things that I scheduled every week just so that I can keep myself busy but I miss this place a lot.
@sensitiveShade5337
Its good to find that balance isnt it? An online life doesnt replace all that this world can offer, but it can enhance it. You sound like youre trying to find that balance. Im sure you can achieve it :)
@DeborahUK
Hope so! I don't want this place to be like it was before, for me.
Btw was it you that have asked for apps I use, like games? I have 2 more suggestions to make
@sensitiveShade5337
I dont think it was me that asked, but Id be interested to hear your suggestions.
@DeborahUK
oops sorry
Well I have one app that is so relaxing it's called My Oasis it look a bit boring but it has calming music and great messages popping in!
And one I love is called Majhong or something I'm not sure how it's written, so you basically need to match the pairs. No clue how to describe it but I love it!
@sensitiveShade5337
Ooh yes, I used to love playing Mahjong. Must download it again :)
@DeborahUK
Awesome! I actually have those on my mums tablet and when I need something to distract me or confront me I play those
Hi Deb,, i am trying to break down those walls, because they used to be protective however i think now they are keeping me trapped.. Those walls keep re-affirming old beliefs that i think it is time to let go of, or that i am ready to let go of.. I feel less alone the more i reach out so obviously those beliefs i was given about myself might not be all so correct.. I am learning at the moment, world has kind of shifted which scared me greatly and made me feel lost initially but i am also trying to step into the unknown even though it really is scary and confusing and everything makes no sense at the moment, which kind of frustrates me because i am someone who looks for reasoning..
I still have many things going on in my life but i think maybe shifting the burden of this self blame and guilt that i hold might help me,, i don't think it is mine to hold, i am unsure,, i have tried to let it go before but intrusive memories and flashbacks, (plus coworker issues) had given me the ropes i dont know if thats the right word to use, but i kind of began to believe again that it was mine to hold, that it was my blame, that it was my guilt and shame.. I am starting to see differently and its woah! its hard to see that my life up until a year ago was a lie, carefully created facade.. but moving forward one step at a time.. Trying to discover who i truly am..
@calmLake1999 Hi calm, it sounds as if you are going through a "Metamorphisis".
"I am trying to break down those walls, because they used to be protective however I think now they are keeping me trapped".
"I am starting to see differently and it's woah! Its hard to see that my life up until a year ago was a lie, carefully created facade, but moving forward one step at a time. Trying to discover who I truly am.
A Catipillar builds itself a protective cocoon, and while in the cocoon begins the transition into a butterfly. It sounds as if you too are transitioning and seeing things differently. This shows that deep inside you things are changing, I hope that you do discover who you truly are (a beautiful butterfly)!
@Amandisa16 this is great!
And it reminded me:
..... i don't know if it would help anyone else....but I was doing some selfwork once....it was a guided meditation cd ....and they were using to metaphor of a butterfly....around dramatic self change. And so they talked about the caterpillar....and then the coccoon...and then.....that the caterpillar COMPLETELY MELTS DOWN INTO THIS GREEN GOO.....inside the chrysalis....before it rearranges itself to be born/emerge as the butterfly.
So I thought I'd just share that ....because I am safely in the chrysalis (Yay!)....but probably also in the midst of a really wicked green goo stage..which is....messy...seems to ve going on firEVER...and a BIT challenging to envision the butterfly at the moment.
...and I thought maybe some of you could relate!🙄😛😃😉
@SpruceRaven I can completely relate to this 😁, I went through this process and the "horrible goey stage" that you have just described.
i need help breaking down walls. i dont even know where to begin. i'm going back and forth between emotionally flat and sort of depressed today. i have no idea what my future holds. i dont even know what tonite holds. parts of me are just so tired and finding it hard to care.
i could have a better life if i fought for it but i'm just so tired that i dont think i can make that climb.
sometimes i think it wouldnt be so bad if i didnt live to an old age because i have trapped myself in this life and and i am too tired to do anything about it. that's on me, i know it.
@DeborahUK
A very potent message. In my youth, I used to be completely lost in that fortress. With the trauma and other issues that came of it, I retreated further into that fortress and refused to leave. There was a war outside, after all. The countrymen wanted my head and were shouting cruelties that I could hear past the safe fortifications. Been learning that someday I'll have to face that war, and that most of that stupid crowd are uneducated bumpkins who have a mob mentality. XD Whether it was IRL bullies or the bullying thoughts leftover from years of sick programming. Their voices do not matter. I've been learning to listen to and accept the positivity that people offer. My main ailment is based off of hiding in that fortress, fearing the constancy of war and ridicule. I'm learning to step outside those walls, but it can be pretty challenging. Especially when disassociation comes into play! Feel like I completely go back into the depths of that fortress.
Remembering the present is not the past and one's not stuck in a time loop. A crucial point in my recovery.
@CaloenasNicobarica i survived. But it didn't matter. There was and still is nothing on the other side it's just...a barren landscape.
@CaloenasNicobarica Hey Cal just ignore the previous...i'm just in the midst of a changepoint.... and I guess feeling s bit rrsiresistantstant and put out about it all🙃😒🙁☺
@CaloenasNicobarica
I think we can sometimes make these fortresses too comfortable for ourselves. We can convince ourselves its whats needed, or its preferable to facing the world. But remember, you dont have to leave everything behind in the fortress. If youve got stuff there that keeps you comfortable, bring those comfy old things with you. If youve got a bit of armour, you may need that too. Perhaps not the whole suit of armour, but a knee pad, shield maybe. Just something to protect you when needed, but still allowing others to see you beyond it. Because as you say, the present is not the past. And theres no reason to suppose the present will mimic the past. You got through that, now life is there for the taking.
I'm glad I allowed my accumulated emotions to come out.Fear was the hardest one to let out and face but somehow managed to be even with it.Finally feeling a bit more energetic and happy.Snow is snowing and I'm quite hopeful and excited about what will happen next.
@Morfo66 glad to hear that you are hopeful and excited about what will happen next😁. Well done for facing your fears👍
@Amandisa16
thanks a lot!
@deborah
i am not doing well today. i self-harmed earlier. The 13th will be 5yrs 6mnths since the 2nd sexual assault. Having a hard time dealing with that.
@shyKitten9106 Shy so sorry to hear about the sexual assaults😟. Tomorrow is the anniversary, and understandably you are struggling. I can't even imagine how difficult today has been for you, and how difficult tomorrow might be💗. Are you getting support from friends, family or professional support services? You mentioned that you self harmed I hope you are okay. Remember that the Traumatic Experience Community are here for you. Many Listeners and Members have suffered similar experiences, you are not alone. As tomorrow approaches, we are standing with you💗.
@DeborahUK Hi DeborahUK. I need some help ... could ai perhaps talk to you one one? It is Trauma/Narcissim/Gaslighting related.
@DeborahUK i have left you a message off-forum. Tku.☺
