Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Checkin - Monday 24th July 2017
Good Morning All 
Ive been thinking a lot about todays checkin and decided given how much this issue has come up for some of you recently, to let the focus be on the issue of self forgiveness, a concept I know many of you struggle with.Guilt and shame may be an unrelenting source of pain for you as a trauma survivor. You may believe that you'reto blame for your traumatic experiences and condemn yourself repeatedly. Shame and guilt can feel very similar, both leading to Survivors feeling bad about themselves. Guilt can be seen as a feeling of being disappointed in yourself for violating an important internal value or code of behaviour. Feeling guilty can be a healthy thing: it can open doors for you leading to positive behaviour change. With shame you can feel a disappointment in yourself but no value has been violated. When we feel guilt, we feel badly about something we did or neglected to do. When we feel shame we feel badly about who we are. When we feel guilty we need to learn that it is okay to make mistakes. When we feel shame we need to learn that it is okay to be who we are.Guilt also may simmer in your unconscious but this guilt which doesnt belong to you, can be insidious and self-destructive and can sabotage your goals.
You may feel guilty not only for what you didnt do, but also for what you did do, for the choices that you made in impossible situations, or what you didnt do, for not fighting back etc. This guilt may infect your thoughts, for wishing someone pain, misfortune, or even death, for wanting revenge on those who caused you pain, you may even feel bad for lack of feeling such as unreciprocal love or friendship. Although irrational, you might feel guilty for someone elses thoughts, attributes, feelings, and actions and Survivors are very good at trying to make excuses for others behaviour, even when its clear, they are not responsible.
Survivors often judge themselves based upon the blame or false accusations emanating from others, which they believe to be true and which they carry on into their adult life. Survivors of trauma often feel responsible and hold themselves accountable for the actions of others, when they themselves were the victim.
Beating yourself up for something that was not your fault prolongs guilt and shame and damages your self-esteem. Self forgiveness is essential for your healing. For Survivors of trauma their inner critic is continually yammering away, looking for something, anything, to find fault with. It magnifies small failings into big ones, punishes you over and over for things long past, ignores the larger context, and doesnt credit you for your efforts to make amends. Therefore, you really need your inner protector to stick up for you: to put your weaknesses and misdeeds in perspective, to highlight your many good qualities, to encourage you to keep getting back up when things feel really tough, and frankly to tell that inner critic to Shut Up.
For todays checkin, it would be good to know what your inner protector know about you? What would it shout back about to your inner critic? Could you write out some statements to yourself here, which reflect more of an empathic understanding, appreciation, and forgiveness of yourself? Would you forgive someone else for the same actions? Why would you treat yourself differently? How does it benefit you to continue to punish yourself?
Perhaps you could fill in the following I am responsible for ______ , _______ , and _______ . Let yourself feel it. Then add to yourself: But I am NOT responsible for ______ , _______ , and _______ . whilst remembering to begin the process of self forgiveness
Self forgiveness is such a hard area for Trauma survivors but so essential in their healing process. Can you take a step forwards self forgiveness here with everyones support today?
This space is yours, to share with one another whats happening in your life, the good, the bad, the inbetween. Healing is hard work and its important that you put yourselves first, whilst showing kindness to yourself.
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Quiet in here today. My thoughts are racing and jumbled after poor sleep and recent, ongoing stress. Still, will do my best to respond, as the topic is extremely pertinent to me.
Beating yourself up for something that was not your fault prolongs guilt and shame and damages your self-esteem. Self forgiveness is essential for your healing. For Survivors of trauma their inner critic is continually yammering away, looking for something, anything, to find fault with. It magnifies small failings into big ones, punishes you over and over for things long past, ignores the larger context, and doesnt credit you for your efforts to make amends. Therefore, you really need your inner protector to stick up for you: to put your weaknesses and misdeeds in perspective, to highlight your many good qualities, to encourage you to keep getting back up when things feel really tough, and frankly to tell that inner critic to Shut Up.
The resilience and opportunistic persistence of the inner critic is truly astounding, as I discover constantly throughout the course of my journey. Even my struggle to keep it in check can feed into the cycle of blame and self punishment. I'm constantly having to consciously refute criticism and reorient cognitive distortion.
My inner protector is still learning on the job, so to speak.
So. Now that I've admitted that I have a problem (first step!) I'm going to tackle the next part of the check-in in my next comment (to be continued...)
When I say to be continued, I mean 'later today.' I need to get out of my chaotic head and into the moment. Right now, I feel really, really stuck.
Even when I'm not stressed out by the prospect of having to make/face no-win decisions I find mornings require extra kindness and compassion to myself.
In other words, my inner protector is still asleep.
I need help finding the words. And allowing my feelings to come out. They still feel awful.
@melliotm sending hugs and strength to make the decisions as hard as they are. am with you.
@inventiveOrange1 Thank you, Orange. It truly means the world to me today. I feel like I'm falling to pieces.
Have to refill my anxiety medication. One dose left. Terrified to leave the house.
Oh, the irony.
@melliotm im sorry mell. That is a tough place. I hope that pill gets you through at least the first hurdle to get more meds.
I know the stuck feeling. Having cramps today which are trigerring and getting bad news at work. Am truly in a bad place. No idea where to go. No therapist for another few weeks. Holding on for two week break in sep just so know wont be at work for that time. Its going to be hard enough just to be then.
Sometimes things suck so bad. Im here holding your hand. We will get through.
@inventiveOrange1
And I'm here hoping you both the best.
@themainjane Thanks Jane 💟
@themainjane Great support your showing there Jane, thank you
@inventiveOrange1 Thank you. 💟 So sorry that you are facing such a gauntlet. I'm holding your hand too, Orange. I know that you will make it, and we will all be at your side to help support you through in any way that we can. Just reach out when you need to. X
@melliotm @themainjane
I'm with mellio and Jane holding positive thoughts for you Orange. You too mellio 
@melliotm Just a reminder that you can all reach out when you need too. Its good to see that even with all you're facing you can find the empathy and compassion for others.
@inventiveOrange1
Am sorry to hear that you too are in a bad place. Whats happened at work for you today Orange? You mentioned getting bad news at work? How are you managing this? You mentioned that your therapist is away for a couple weeks, have they arranged any interim support for you whilst they are away, such as someone you can call if things feel tough? If you need you can always reach out to a listener here. I know it may not fix things but sometimes just knowing one person is there for you can make such a difference and enables you to feel less alone.
As you said to Mellio, you will get through this, sometimes you have to dig deep and grit your teeth but we are all here for you
@dancingRainbow45 thanks for being here and it is a good post. I just cant move past not blaming myself for everything. Hubby has said i torture myself and am stuck doing this. He wants us to scatter their ashes and go away when they were due in september. Im finding it all hard.
I found im losing more staff today which means september will be bad and im down one already as recruiting in the NHS is difficult. Got a Trust board meeting tomorrow again held in maternity parent teaching room. I managed an hour last month before had to leave. I know will be hard tomorrow to not take it out on myself with frustration. SH is bad right now. Ironically one of the guidleines we r discussing is late pregnancy loss management. I found it impossible to review. Not sleeping either much still makes focus difficult.
No therapist until end of august. She said i need to decide to get better as im resisting emdr. Its scary to think it will change. Its easier to beat myself up, torture myself snd think i deserve all the bad stuff. I dont want meds having taken them for ten years before and struggled to withdraw. I also dont want hospital tho didnt get a choice before. I guess if they know too much they might suggest it. I dont know if all this is the recent trauma, all the losses, grief for my grandparents or all the borderline crap coming back. Im know thoughts probably arent as rational as they could be.
Period cramps were very triggeriing today. Im petrified of the flashbacks tonight.
@inventiveOrange1
Orange, it's hard to know how to respond. You're facing so many triggers within your work, and I can only begin to imagine how hard that is for you. But don't beat yourself up for feeling bad. Just try to aim those bad thoughts at the situation, rather than at yourself. You suffered a tragedy, but it wasn't your fault.
I echo Rain's message. There are people here who will offer you support. Keep reaching out, don't suffer in silence.
@inventiveOrange1 I feel you Orange and I totally agree with Deborah on it. Do reach out. And seek help for you can work it out better for you.
@inventiveOrange1 Thank you orange for reaching out, and know we are here for you too if you need
@melliotm
Take care of you!
@MKJart Thanks Mary 💟
@melliotm Dont feel under pressure to have to respond but this space if here if you wish to use it. Sometimes it can help just to get the chaotic thoughts and feelings out, so they are heard and sometimes this can help with getting a new perspective on things. Treat yourself with the kindness and compassion you need. Worrying yourself over the no win decisions that face you wont make you feel any better. I know you will be concerned and worried, but just try to take a break emotionally from having to face this right now, give yourself the space to create some distance between you and the decisions. Its such a hard decision your facing, but allow your inner protector to wake and sit with you, so you perhaps find some inner strength to face what will be difficult.
@dancingRainbow45 Thank you so much, Raine. I needed to hear that. 💟
@melliotm Anytime Mellio :)
@melliotm HI Mellio thanks for taking the time to read the post given all your contending with lately. Admitting to having a problem with something such as self forgiveness or challenging the inner critic and allowing your protector a voice is definately a first step!!! I guess the only way to overcome the negative criticism is to challenge it and consciously refute it. It can be exhausted but its a bit like having to retrain the brain to think something different and that can take enormous effort. Dont be too harsh on yourself, your doing your very best, and that will always be good enough. Would be good though though to get to know the inner protector as you may find things easier to manage when you need to shut the inner critic up 
@dancingRainbow45
I need help. I've been asking for it and finding support. The more I ask for help the more it seems I realize how many areas of my life are dysfunctional.
I have problems being in relationship with myself, being in relationship with my spouse, my family, the one friend I have where I live that I recently reconnected with, problems facing health issues and self-esteem, problems at times (many times) leaving the house, and problems surrounding work/employment and other obligations or duties.
I tried to look at the sentence fill-in exercise but the only things that come to mind are relationship centered and not things I'd want to write down.
It's overwhelming but I don't want to be overwhelmed today. I have to face something. I'll go to my counseling and maybe alanon.
@themainjane
Hi Jane,
I'm happy you keep reaching out for help here because we all benefit from you being here. I totally get it when you start looking anf the levels of dysfunction seem to grow before your eyes. It's because our awareness of how bad things really were where minimizing was a way to survive. I'm here holding your hand through this. Hope your session and alanon go well Amiga.
Mary
@MKJart
no words just thank you for being here for me. ❤️
@themainjane
Hi jane, its good to see that your recognising that you have needs for support and are able to ask for this, even if it means your becoming more aware of the areas in your life you wish to seek support about in order to make the changes that feel right for you.
Perhaps you could talk to your counsellor who you are seeing today about how to work on the problems you feel you have with your own relationship with yourself, and others. Perhaps they could make some useful suggestions as to how you can begin to work on these?
The written exercise could be about anything you wish it to be, it doesnt have to be relationship based. It could be something as simple as "I am responsible for myself and my life . But I am NOT responsible for actions others carry out, or how they treat other people" or it could be I am responsible for getting up in the morning but I am not responsible for putting the kettle on each day. The written exercise is whatever you may choose it to be.
I hope your counselling session goes well today
@dancingRainbow45
I can take responsibility for me, myself, and I when I made choices where I wasn't under the influence of others more powerful than me. I can't take responsibility for the bad choices others made to behave badly towards me or actions I did under the negative influence of others.
@MKJart I think this is wonderful and thank you for sharing. And so very true. You are responsible for you and you alone :)
@dancingRainbow45
I don't know if I have the energy to work through some of the things I tell myself/should forgive myself for but I guess one of the biggest ones is when I beat myself up for isolating or not trusting or not being/doing enough, I need to accept that these are coping mechanisms that aren't my fault and, although I need to change them, it's okay for me to be where I am right now. It's okay that my journey is taking a bit longer.
@catsith Hey catsith Isolation and trust are some of the biggest issue to have to deal with in a Trauma. It can take up anytime short to long to process them and work upon them to regain the trusting instinct and to reduce the isolation. I am glad you have decided to accept that for you the process takes longer and not beat yourself about it. Take care.
@catsith Its okay to be exactly where you are right now and you are doing the very best at the moment with the resources you have. Things do improve and can change but you should never feel bad for coping and being where you are today. If there are things you wish to change you can make those decisions to do so and whilst some coping mechanisms are healthier than others, in time you can choose which continue to work for you and which ones you would like to swap :)
@dancingRainbow45
This is a great post Rain, as indeed is much of what you've written in this thread. So much to reflect upon. Thank you for continuing to challenge and question. Although it hurts to feel those emotions at times, they hurt far less outside of ourselves than festering inside. And as several have noted, disconnecting from emotions means you're numb to the good stuff too. And for me that's when life feels really bleak. Memories of bad stuff, and nothing good to distract from that. I'm trying to think of an A - Z of what I appreciate in life. I'll start with Air, Breathing and Circulation, because without that there's not much chance of me appreciating anything else :)
@DeborahUK Yes Deborah disassociating that works for keeping the bad stuff also keeps away from good stuff and thats where disassociating is seen as bad coping into adulthood while we see ourselves distancing from the good stuff. Awareness of the feelings is the key and what best to start it than through awareness of air breath and circulation. Take care. Stay awesome Deb.
@DeborahUK Oh I love the idea of an A-Z appreciation check list and yeah its a good point thats been made about how numbing out emotions also shuts out the good things in life and the positive emotions such as happiness :) I think I need to do more fun posts for sure, and you and Kite can teach me a thing or too with that, but I also like posts that make us think, because as easy as it is to avoid tough stuff, it doesnt make it go away and together we can face it with one another.
Okay my things for the A-Z list: Friends, music, animals, health, love, and strawberries lol yes strawberries which Im enjoying very much :)
Out of the house for the first time in quite a bit (apart from a couple quick jaunts to the corner store). Getting a prescription filled. Eep.
@melliotm speakin as a friendly pharmacist, we dont bite x
@inventiveOrange1 Hahaha they are really nice at my local pharmacy. Family owned since 1938. 😁
Made it in and out in one piece! Now on my way home.
@melliotm Oh that's great. Your cats also do a good job getting you out of your blanket fort once in a while. Keep that up. I hope that feeling of overwhelm how away once you are back in the blanket fort. Yeah.
@melliotm wooohoooo!!! huge step there Mellio, well done you for managing to get outside the house, no matter how tough that may have felt for you
@dancingRainbow45 @sujaypai Thanks guys :)
Self forgiveness is such a hard area for Trauma survivors but so essential in their healing process. Can you take a step forwards self forgiveness here with everyones support today?
I've actually been making some progress in this area. I actually talked a little about real stuff, and it kinda helped. I don't feel bad about what I talked about anymore. When it comes to mind now, it actually makes me feel good, because I was able to talk about it. Talking takes the power away. I'm working on it. I'm getting better at it :)
@BeeLeigh Hey Bee. Yes talking is great at taking some power away from the thoughts. I am glad you could observe and see that happen. That in itself had given you a fillip to challenge the thoughts and now you don't feel so bad about the as you have regained done sort of control over them. Hope your trip is going on well. Enjoy that. Take care of yourself too Bee.
I am responsible for my thoughts and actions. But I am not responsible for the emotions, thoughts or actions of others. I would also add that: I cannot control my illness, but I can choose how to cope with it.
I added that last part, because I just recently was laid off work due to illness (mental and physical). I am struggling with feeling like a failure, because I can't be the employee I want to be, despite having very little control over what's happening with my body or my mind. Work was a huge distraction for me and I now have all this extra time and space to think. It's kind of driving me a bit nutty. My mind is vibrating!
I'm working to reframe my thoughts, accept my vulnerable state with courage and to take the time to seek out wellness. This is suprisingly HARD to do, because a good chunk of the time I do not care what happens to me, whether I get better or worse or even if this sickness takes my life. I feel horrible for thinking or feeling this way and I can't seem to escape from that funk. My feet dangle over the edge.
@KatieMoon1 I am sorry Katie for the work issue that happened with you. And you are not a failure. With these issues where surviving itself is a challenge you have been dealing with the stuff and that itself shows you aren't a failure. Well yes you can control your thoughts and feelings but not the thoughts feelings or action if other. Having that awareness itself gives the power to try and do it with how you react to your thoughts. And I am very hopeful you will do that now particularly with time available at your disposal which is dragging you into your previous thinking on it over it and.making you self critical again. Take care of yourself and try to seek any form of distraction that takes your mind off the negative interactions with yourself.
I was injured in a truck driving accident several years ago, and both of my shoulders are injured. I made 5 visits to the emergency room. One of the nurses had her nursing license revoked. My most recent doctor fired me because they said my case was too complicated for them. My mother and sister were getting paid to be my caretakers, but they witheld medical treatment from me. The reason is - if I get cured of my injuries, they get fired from their jobs. I am unable to drive, so my social life is non-existent. My mom died 4 weeks ago, and I have 3 siblings who are out to get me. I have anxiety, PTSD. I wish to manage my emotions better, and live a more balanced life.
@Regmo
My condolences on the loss of your mother. I'm sure it's been a difficult time. I hear you saying you have concerns for your well being and those who are in charge of your care? It must be quite isolating not being able to drive. Do you have ways of getting out on your own?
Wishing to manage your emotions and live a more balanced life is very commendable. Living with anxiety and ptsd can seem daunting but I do believe there must be paths to a healthier, more productive, happier life. Welcome. :- )
@Regmo Hi Regmo welcome to the Trauma community. I hope you can begin to feel safe here and seek the support that you need. We are a friendly bunch and very much there for one another, so please reach out for support when you need Im sorry to hear about the experiences you have gone through. You have been through a lot with the accident, then losing your mum, with having family issues which involved medical treatment being witheld from you. Im so sorry you experienced this and I hope you can find support you need here for the issues your currently dealing with. We have a good forum on PTSD as well as traumatic loss if you wish to take a look. We also have some good posts under the trauma recovery resources section on managing emotions too. What support if any do you have around you to deal with all of this? Have you had any counselling or therapy previously?
I have a question for all you people who live in England year round....do you HAVE a summer??? Does it ever get hot here???
@BeeLeigh i think you missed the one week we are allowed to not need brollies. Enjoy your trip. Hugs
@inventiveOrange1 @dancingRainbow45 @TreesandWine
It's just cold with a cold wind and intermittent misty rain in London 🙃
@BeeLeigh Sounds pretty right description for our usual kind of weather lol
@dancingRainbow45
Yeah that's what our entire stay was like lol
@BeeLeigh It does get hot. a couple weeks ago it hit 30 degrees which for us is hot lol We have had really good weather lately but the UK isnt known for hot hot weather