Traumatic Experiences check in 12th September 2018
Elllo Trauma Community
How are we all doing today ?
Self love is so important to us feeling the best we can - What is one compliment you could give yourself today ?
@fluffyUnicorns84
hey, honestly I'm doing pretty awful. my depression is awful. i sat last night and cried considering killing myself. I feel so dead inside....
i think i would say its okay to eat your going to be okay
@Hope7879 Gosh it sounds like things are really overwhelming right now, your depression is having a impact on you making it feel that you want the pain to end and considering whether suicide is the answer. I hear hope in you however you recognise that things can change, you can eat and take one step at a time. It would be wrong of me to say that it is going to all be alright although i do believe it will be. One thing I can promise is that we are here for you on this journey together. I am proud of you !
@Hope7879 - Not sure how you feel about hugs, but my arms are open if you would like one.
It sounds like things are feeling really rough right now, but I'm proud of you for opening up and sharing that and for trying to keep feeling that things can be okay. If you need someone to talk to, especially about the eating side of things (I have a lot of experience on that), you are more than welcome to reach out to me.
I also wanted to share a Japanese proverb that I found a while ago that I find really helpful when it feels like things are falling apart or like I don't know how to keep going. "Fall down seven times, stand up eight" - it's not about never feeling bad, but about working to keep getting up and knowing that there are people here who can offer you a hand to help you stand and who you can lean on when it feels like too much.
Hey :) nice to meet you unicorn.
Not been a good day for me at all, the kittens gave me very bad flashbacks and a panic attack last night which has made my whole day feel off. Not been coping well anyway recently so been just trying to hang on I guess.
Compliment wise... I guess
"Well done for getting into work today, and well done for not falling back on drinking so far"
@Lilibuth12 - I'm sorry to hear that last night was so rough - that can definitely make it hard the next day, too, and it's understandable to be feeling a little off. You said that you've not been coping well recently - is there anything that you think might help to manage even just a little bit of the feelings you're having and give yourself a little more coping?
@Anomalia
Honestly right now I am crying at the cats so not much of an idea. I am finally seeing my therapist tonight so I hope that will help a bit. Maybe after that I'll try a proper action plan.
Thanks for the message <3 very much appreciated :)
@Lilibuth12 The pleasure is all mine, great to meet you.
I am sorry that the flashbacks are having a lasting impact and also panic attacks, you say you not been coping well recently and that you was seeing your therapist. How did that go?
I am proud of you for not turning back to the drink or maybe other negative coping methods even though things are pretty overwhelming right now. You managing to find positive amongst all the darkness, I find that amazing.
Current taglist: @InvaderStitch @redmark @Avaray @Shadeshack @BeeLeigh @Faeryschild @Lavendermoonlight @KLM3278 @jr50 @PhoenixPatronus @Morfo66 @raychascotch @KatieMoon1 @Tamba @Jenna0903 @melliotm @PanamaBanana @inventiveOrange1 @HearingYourHeart @TreesandWine @guyb @Sharkradio @MKjart @Lilyflower0817 @caterpillargirl @Survivetoalive @exuberantTriangle2562 @coraline23 @Ivorycat5573 @fearlessPear8268 @SemicolonSurvivor @weare1 @weareall1 @Annaka1 @moonchild95 @summernight69 @sheaintgotnoshoes @rationalWillow8882 @DeborahUK @AMusicalSilence @catsith @energeticPenny8 @Rebekahwriter13 @behindhazeleyes @sensitiveShade5337 @singercrystalspirit @wittyTree8219 @Ocendade @Rpjrx @Brooke12 @tenacity37 @Axeman53 @kkSp3nc3 @blissedNblessed @Softforesthsp77 @AriannaPink @sereneSoul23 @promisemehope @IPreferWinter @Zombii @Godborned @Jessica86 @resourcefulPond1641 @Lilibuth12 @Tir @Michelle0608 @The_Final_Chapter @Halogen @BubblegumPuppy68 @ScarletPear1945 @CaloenasNicobarica @Hoxenos @Christine1980 @TheresaWilliams @Compassionatelistener108 @LovelyChantel @Pureriver56 @unassumingSummer6022 @Reedrainshimmer @resourcefulPond1642 @Kuma0187 @NonHoPaura @courageousNorth9872 @NacienteLuz @Helpfulsoul64 @TheHoneyDoll @Saif1for1Resilience @butters45 @purpleWest8143 @silverIceCream21 @Dandelionmoon @Bumblebee16 @consciousawakening @Shaiya365 @archerzvy @JJi @CopingwithTrauma @musicheals61 @disneynerd23 @ScarletPear1945 @Longday08 @sittinginahoneymoon @Quietbeach @loyalYard9488 @thatdramaticsoprano @understandingJackfruit9057 @amiableZebra3993 @Waterstreams057 @placidFriend3007 @AndreT @orchard9786 @sociableSailboat9634 @Calmlake1999 @emotionalMaple9419 @calmballoon3183 @disneynerd23 @MomRNFNP @Pdanziger @easymap6620 @MoreThanAConqueror18 @candyhaunt @namelessgirl99 @plumLake851 @streamoftears @quixoticRaven @Redhawk6547 @Sk1ttles @Shayc1 @Samdoc99 @Mikathewolfdog @Tacomytaco @stella17 @blinkk @PaperCrane1123 @Equalnotabove @felicia96 @CartoonDarling @Tayboi @Compassion21 @lilblackcat89 @ashes @selfdisciplinedTriangle5384 @amiableSummer3420 @FangsInsanity @Anj0806 @Spoonog @rissadawn @brokenflutterby @g00dwitch @No715 @SpruceRaven @tidyMoon3222 @helpfulHuman4992 @Djs3 @dynamicHemlock1736 @Hope3729 @hardworkingStrawberries3477 @courageousCake401 @humorousBeing8966 @NancySV1 @mysticPhoenix883 @oceanmom @gymnast9460 @Nonbinarywaffle7706 @Tbeth @felixfriend @Chels @8883ef @DaisyLion @forcefulSkies @spotthedot @courteousNorth5140 @Alcynically @ArianaMay @SB @affectionateNorth4018 @J12g34 @FloweringBunny @loyalDrum2337 @nolongerafraid @CaringBrit @Ambrosia
@melliotm Thank you for adding this, great help.
I feel like when you say just a hi now, you will only get a hi back nothing more. Thats how much things have changed and they will never be the same.
Even the open chat yesterday made me feel like I was invisible.
What do I give a chance to? Why could not my trauma fam stay and not be forced to leave?
Im just nothing in here...
I lost my support system once again and nobody gives a f in here. Whether I express my disappointment and whether I get frustrated in things no one will give a f here.
I wonder, wheres the support that everyone deserves? Where are the actions that should prove the sayings?
Im expecting more because Im hoping I will see my expectations but Im only getting disappointed.
You guys that werent here with the trauma fam will never understand. The pain and the hurt is too much to handle...
@sensitiveShade5337
Hey shade... Xx i know ❤
Hugs xxx
i including a puppy... I hope that's ok xx
@Avaray puppies a the best company
@CaringBrit
Puppies are very cute, and great for cuddling. My "puppy" is now 3 years old and is huge, she's a ridgeback, and a real character, but growing protective over us which i feel good about, those wrinkles on her forehead are so expressive. Almost like saying words with her expressions, a goofy dog but a sweetie pie
@Avaray awww adorable any pics of her
@CaringBrit
When she was a puppy
@Avaray awww shes cute
@sensitiveShade5337
*Huddles up with shade* sorry I'm not saying much, I'm not feeling great. But well I'm still here and I miss them too. Sorry I can't offer much help.
@Lilibuth12
Lili theres no need to apologize, this message was going to everyone that was on the outside line of it. We lived in trauma fam and we know how it was but they didnt and they dont understand the pain.
Thanks for the cuddles ❤️
@sensitiveShade5337
im sorry your feeling so hurt and awful. I wasnt even here long to get to know the old trauma leadership well and even I miss them. They welcomed me with open arms when I first came here.
I know Im not them but I just wanted to say i do hear you, how you feel matters and even though I cant fix it I do care how you feel. That may or may not mean anything to you and either way is ok.
I hope things start to feel a little brighter soon 🌸
@ArianaMay
I appreciate you taking the time to reply to my post
Thank you for your kind words
@sensitiveShade5337
your welcome 🦋 I meant every one 🌸🌈
@sensitiveShade5337 sorry you feel this way shade but i do care im sure others do too
@CaringBrit
But do you understand the pain? Im so hurt
@sensitiveShade5337 yes i do
@sensitiveShade5337 - Hey - I wanted to apologize if my hi back felt like it wasn't caring. I didn't want to push you to say more if you didn't feel up to it, which is why I responded just with a greeting - to let you know I saw you and wanted to reach out, but to give you space to say more without pushing it. I know that we don't know each other well and I'm not part of the group that you're familiar with, but I do want to help support you.
You said that you're hoping you'll see your expectations but are getting disappointed - could you share more of what those expectations are so that we can try?
@Anomalia
You wont even handle me how can you support me then?
I just still need to see the care and the support you all will give...
Trauma fam had the passion so we were not only had a safe space to be heard but we also had real support, love, kindness and care.
What do I see now? None of it, a place that is destroyed and will never be replaced.
But obviously who cares about it in here? Who cares how we feel in here? Who cares about our support system breaking down?
A piece of heart was taken and you know what? Tell me that Im oversaying, I dont give a f bc I f pull my heart out to you and feel it so deeply.
@sensitiveShade5337 - I'm not sure what you mean by I won't handle you, but if you would like to explain I'm open to hearing it. And I don't think you're oversaying - it's completely fair to be feeling hurt and like you've lost something. I'm sad about what's happened, too - I consider many of the people who have left friends and it hurts to see them hurting.
I'm sorry that it feels like I don't care - I hope with time I can show you that I do, but I know that trust doesn't come overnight; it's built over time. I would like to support you, but since we don't have the history like you had with others, I'm asking for you to let me know how I can best do that because I know that every person is different and what works for some won't for others.
@Anomalia
You wont handle me as a person cause I always lash out to people and Im mostly so angry even if that hides other feelings. I dont know why I say that to you..
i miss my trauma fam a lot
I dont know if you can understand how hurt I am and how horrible I feel about it...
It does feel like those that were on the outside line dont give a f about us and our feelings.
I dont know if I can trust you and I dont know how you can best support me
@sensitiveShade5337 - I've definitely supported people before who get angry and lash out, so you wouldn't be the first to get mad or yell at me when you're feeling emotional and that's okay - I can take a lot.
I know that you miss them a lot. I won't promise that I understand exactly how you feel because I don't think anyone can ever 100% understand without being in the same shoes, but I do know what it feels like to lose a big part of your support system and I do know what it feels like to not be sure if a place or a person is safe. And I hear you that right now it's hard to feel like those who weren't as active in here before care about you or your feelings, so I don't expect you to just believe this on my word right now, but I do care and I do want to help.
You said you're not sure if you can trust me or how I can best support you - that might take time to figure out. But I hope that with time you do feel more able to and that I am able to help support you and that with time you can see that I do care, even if we don't know each other well right now and I'm not a familiar face for you.
@Anomalia
I hope you show me what you are saying to me...But dont get mad with me if I start testing you , its all about me trusting you and seeing your limits
@sensitiveShade5337 - I won't get mad. But I also hope that if you're not seeing what you're looking for that you will communicate with me about it. Sometimes I might not know what you need to hear or might make mistakes, but I will keep trying and am always open to feedback. Thank you for being open to seeing if I can be supportive - I know it's not always easy to stay open to new people when you're feeling hurt.
@sensitiveShade5337
Shade <3
Thank you for taking the time to write this, to try to explain and express your feelings of hurt, sorrow, loss and also distrust, and thank you @Anomalia for respecting and engaging with Shade about that.
I find you so brave right now, Shade. I havent really know you for long, and im not sure if you consider me the old trauma fam, but from what I understand from the others you have done a lot of growing, and I think you being able to express your feelings, your distruss, your boundaries and what you need, is a sign of that, the others would have been so proud of you!
Its okay to take time, to grief and to observe, test and be sure, but im glad you are giving it a chance, not for anybody else, but for you, you deserve all the support this place can offer, you deserve a place where you feel safe and validated and you deserve to get the support you need, the way you need it, I hope these place can keep offering that to you.
@LoveFromSara
Thanks Sara! I for some reason feel like you are one from the oldest in the trauma community maybe because youve been too active before even everything happen
@sensitiveShade5337
Wow, thanks Shade, that is a real compliment <3 Thank you
@sensitiveShade5337 Hey I hear that you all got to know the trauma team and that you got to know them which lead to feeling safe. I recognise that I am not one of them and many that are posting supporting in this community are not. However that does no mean we do not care, it means that we had other focus at that time but we stepped up to give support because we care and do not want the community to be left without support. I am sorry that the original team could not stay, I too wish things could of been different.
I know you know me by sight but maybe not beyond that and that could still feel uncomfortable to open up, you say those that were not trauma family will never undersand . Could I ask what we do not understand?
We are here for you, and I am sorry if you ever feel that we are not or wasnt . I find it really inspring that no matter what you are going through you are always still here trying to share and make a difference, that is honourable.
18 hours ago
I feel like when you say just a hi now, you will only get a hi back nothing more. Thats how much things have changed and they will never be the same.
Even the open chat yesterday made me feel like I was invisible.
What do I give a chance to? Why could not my trauma fam stay and not be forced to leave?
Im just nothing in here...
I lost my support system once again and nobody gives a f in here. Whether I express my disappointment and whether I get frustrated in things no one will give a f here.
I wonder, wheres the support that everyone deserves? Where are the actions that should prove the sayings?
Im expecting more because Im hoping I will see my expectations but Im only getting disappointed.
You guys that werent here with the trauma fam will never understand. The pain and the hurt is too much to handle...
@fluffyUnicorns84
I meant, that you will never understand how was it for us to be here with the team that was leading it.
It wasnt just about sharing and it wasnt just talking to somebody online... Thats something you all dont understand
@fluffyUnicorns84
Today I went to see my therapist. We talked about things that happened and change. I feel so hopeless. The appointment is 1.5 hours from my house. I listen to music loud enough to vibrate the steering wheel all the way home. It drown out the thoughts from my head. It's quiet now.
These are the words to a Papa Roach song that played on my drive. I think it expreses what I can't.
Did someone turn the lights out?
Or is it just another dark cloud in my head?
'Cause I'm cut deep, my heart won't beat
Deep down low it's killing me
If I wanna scratch out yesterday
I've got so much I need to say
I think I need help
'Cause I'm drowning in myself
It's sinking in, I can't pretend
That I ain't been through hell
I think I need help
I'm drowning in myself
As for the part about self love. I loath myself.
@practicalIdeal2007 - thank you for sharing those lyrics - I definitely find that sometimes it's easier to use music to express what I'm feeling than to put it into my own words. And I'm glad that you have found some that helps express it and that you were able to listen to it to help clear your mind of those thoughts for a little while.
In the lyrics, it says "I think I need help // 'Cause I'm drowning in myself" - what do you think would be most helpful for you right now? How can we support you?
@Anomalia
I don't know what anyone can do. I don't know what to do. I want everything to stop. I want everything to be over. I want the thoughts in my head to cease. I'm so tired and worn and fighting sometimes seems pointless. I don't even know what I'm fighting for.
Sorry, I know that is super depressing and doesn't answer the questions you asked at all. I don't have an answer right now.
@practicalIdeal2007 - It's okay to not have an answer right now, and you have nothing to apologize for. In the meantime, I'm sending some peace your way in hopes that the rest of today is just a little bit easier, and I'm here if you want a hug or someone to sit next to for a little while.
@Anomalia
I fell alseep for a little bit. I was so exhausted I couldn't keep my eyes open. Even though I woke up from a nightmare it was okay to get a little sleep. Thank you, I'll take that hug today.
@practicalIdeal2007 - *hugs*
@practicalIdeal2007
Really get this feeling today, just being totally exhausted and just wanting everything to just stop. I hope you start feeling a bit better <3 mainly just a message to say you are not alone :) *hugs if you want them*
@Lilibuth12
I hope you also start to feel better soon. Thank you for letting me know that I'm not alone. I'm sorry to hear that you are also struggling. We can sit here together and wait through it.
@practicalIdeal2007 dont you just love music ? ty for sharing
@CaringBrit
Sometimes music is the only thing that I can connect with. Lately people are so hard.
@practicalIdeal2007 music is indeed easier to connect too for sure
what genres?
@CaringBrit
I mostly listen to hard rock these days. Super loud. Some of my favorite bands are Godsmack, Nine Inch Nails, 3 Days Grace, NF, Disturbed, Linkin Park, Mike Shinoda and Macklamore. I'm always looking for new music that I can express myself with, but honestly I usually end up listening to stuff from the late 90's and early 2000's.
@practicalIdeal2007 awesome
@practicalIdeal2007
Hi Deal
That sounds like a lot of sadness and despair, im so sorry things are so hard right now. I hope talking to your therapist helped some and that knowing you can seek support and company here helps some more. Those are though and exhausting thoughts, its hard when you dont know what you are holding on to, but you are worth it Deal. You deserve love and care and support, you dont deserve the self loathing. You are important, and you matter.
@LoveFromSara
Thank you Sara. You are an inspiration to me. I know that things haven't been easy for you lately and you are still able to come and offer words of encouragement and support to people.
I don't feel worth anything. I'm used and broken. These things must keep happening because something is fundamentally wrong with me. I'm going to wait out today, but I don't know how much longer I can keep on like this.
@practicalIdeal2007
Thank you Deal, for thinking im an inspiration, I dont see myself as one. In fact im feeling a lot of the things you are feeling, more so these days, so thank you for your words.
So I do get the feeling of being broken, used, that all this must be happening for a reason, that reason being us selves. But you are worth it, Deal, you are worth everything good. Yes you have been used, but you are not broken, it is hurting you, making life hard, but its not impossible to come back from, not even for you, especially not for you, it can and will get better.
There are plenty of things I could say to you, but for now Im just going to sit here with you, im bringing hot coco, strawberries, pillows and a cat.
@LoveFromSara
Thank you.
I hope you are also able to find the support and healing you need.
Last year I encountered a terrible experience, my son was brutally attacked by strangers and airlifted to a trauma unit. He was rushed to theatre and had part of his intestines removed. He spent significant time in intensive care, but thankfully survived. He has had pdsd and while physical scars begin to heal the mental ones take longer. I support my son 100% but struggle with effects on my mind from family members who not only showed no support but actually attacked while at our lowest over the smallest and unimportant things. It blew my mind and struggled to understand. Trying to clear my head and don't want to be angry or bitter and want to move forward while learning the lessons, any guidance would be appreciated.
@Safari90 oh dear that sounds awful what happened happy hes physically healed and i hope mentally someday he pushes through
how are you feeling and wow reguarding your family
@CaringBrit
Luckily my children are all positive people so keep a smile on their face and try to stay positive but there are bad days as well. They do say some people like to kick you when down and it seemed that way, even a weekend break to chill a little bit they would get angry if we were 5 mins late to dinner and blow up at us, we couldn't take it in to be honest.
@Safari90 how inconsiderate of them to not be understanding hugs
@Safari90 - Welcome - I'm glad you're here and appreciate you sharing your story with us. I am so sorry to hear that your son was attacked, and I think that you're absolutely right that even when physical scars heal, mental ones often take much longer. The fact that you recognize that is probably really important and helpful to him. And I am glad to hear that you are also paying attention to the effects this is having on you because trauma does have an effect not just on the person who experienced it, but on those who care for them, too and you deserve support in this healing as well.
I hear what you're saying about not wanting to be angry or bitter with family members who weren't supportive, and I think that makes sense to want to move forward with them, but I also think that we can't always help our feelings. It's not wrong to experience anger, and acknowledging it doesn't mean that you can't also forgive and move forward if that's what you decide is important. What do you think you need to feel like you can move forward?
@Anomalia I need to look after myself more. I have always tried to please others but realise I have tried to please people that never would be. I lost my family as a young child and it was my in laws that did not support our family. I have always believed you cannot help what happens but can help how you handle it. I have to say I did not handle it well in my head and struggled to try to understand, I think it also triggered feelings of having no support as a child.
@Safari90 - I am really impressed with how introspective and thoughtful you are about this. I think you're right that looking after yourself is important. It's okay to prioritize your needs and to do what you need to feel okay.
I also completely agree that we can't help what happens, but can help how we react. I think a lot about the serenity prayer "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
@Safari90
I'm sorry you went through.. Are going through this xx my child was born with special needs, it was the loneliest time and also as you say when you needed support the most, that's when people were most judgemental. That really hurts, I know people judge from the outside perspective and in my case maybe they would have done a better job dealing with my child, but at the end they were not the ones that were with him when he was in hospital, or there to try understand the deep depression i had sunk into, or taking him to therapy etc ..but seemed to feel they had the right to give their opinions or say what we should have done sooner... It hurt deeply, both dealing with both the shock, depression, lonliness and still needing to try be whati needed to be for my child. I realised that i needed to live how i knew it to be right for myself and my child, I hope you find what you need to get the healing and the energy to keep going, hugs x
@Avaray. So sorry to hear this, in tough times you need support yourself. I know my son's incident and injuries broke my heart. The saddest thing is some of the women who presented themselves as loving were anything but and really lacked compassion and would of been devestated if it had been them. I cannot imagine how difficult it was for you to be in your position and how hard it was to accept your child's position, lack of support makes it much harder. Hope things have improved for you, big hugs back. X
@Safari90
Thanks Safari xx day by day.. Hugs back 🌹
Last October my dad suffered a pulmonary embolism in both his lungs and I thought he wasn
All you wonderful amazing people, I'm off to zzzzz land xx hugs
@Avaray
Good night Avaray, safe dreams <3
@Avaray - Sleep well!
A compliment: I did a few things today that I said I would do: grocery shopping, lunch with my best friend and photo editing. These are good things because two involved going out and socialising, and the other involved spending time on a hobby.
I haven't been on 7 cups in a few days. Things got hard. Despite not being alone, I was with the person who abused me on two separate days and I haven't really learned how to cope with that. I no longer know how to see them as anything other than the person who abused me. I can't find any redeeming qualities because everything just reminds me of the past. Still waiting on therapy. Got a meds review next week in which I'm planning on telling them a little about the abuse (my doctor doesn't know anything) so that I might be able to get some more help with it and so they understand a bit more.
@asheroo92 - Good for you for getting things done that you said you would, and I'm doubly happy to hear that it involved going out and socializing and spending some time on a hobby that you enjoy! :)
It sounds like it's been a tough week and it's understandable to be having a hard time coping with seeing the person who abused you. I think many people would struggle with that and I'm really impressed by your strength and courage that despite seeing them you are not letting that shut you down and are still moving forward and focusing on what you need. I think talking to the doctor a little more about what happened sounds like a really positive step to helping them understand and be able to help support you more, and more support is always a good thing.
You're a tough cookie, and I'm really proud of you for being so open and for reaching out!
@fluffyUnicorns84
I have done a really good job at trying to understand my roommate.
@singercrystalspirit - That's great! It can be tough to understand how others are feeling or what they're thinking sometimes, but it sounds like you're making a real effort!