Domestic violence (My story)
This is my story of domestic abuse and survival.
I wont use my real name here or say where I am located so that I can remain anonymous.
I have also changed the names of my abuser, friends and family members.
My abuser was my Husband.
Before I met my husband I lived in a shared house in Town1. I dont want toname towns so I will just number towns.
My sister lived a few minutes walk from my house. I saw my sister and my nephew a few times a week.
I had a job. I worked as a care assistant.
I had friends. When I wasnt at work or spending time with my nephews I was out shopping or having lunch with a friend.
My family and friends know that I was abused by my husband but no one knows everything that happened. There are some things that I have never been able to tell anyone. There are somethings that I have never even been able to write down because the memories are too much for me to cope with. But now I am going to write down everything.
I started self harming when I was 8 years old.
I had suicide attempts before I met my husband. I had been seen by the mental health team on a few occasions before I met my husband. Before I met him I was diagnosed with depression and generalised anxiety disorder.
I met my husband online. He was living in town2. He had a flat to himself and he didnt work. He told me he had friends and that he volunteered at the church. He told me he couldnt work because he had depression.
In May 2014 I had a few days off work. I took the train to see him. It was a 4 hour train journey.
He met me at the train station. He showed me around town2, the town he was living in. He took me out for dinner. He paid for the meals. He had a pint with his meal. I didnt think anything of him having a drink with his dinner. After we had dinner, we went to the shop, he brought 4 cans of beer, again I didnt think anything of him buying the drinks, he asked me if I wanted anything from the shop.
I was meant to spend 4 days with him and then go back home by myself.
Those 4 days he was really nice and he gave no indication that he could be abusive in anyway.
On the day that I was going home he said to me that he wanted to come with me. He said he wanted to meet my friends and my family. He said he wanted to see where I worked. I was so happy I finally be getting into a relationship with someone that I said yes to him coming with me without even thinking about it.
For the next two months we lived together in the shared house. When I look back and think about things I realise now that the signs of abuse where there from the very beginning. Every morning when I went to work he insisted on walking me to work. When my shift finished at work he would be waiting outside for me. One morning I said to him I was okay to walk to work myself. I said he could stay in bed and rest. It was only a 10 minute walk to work. I just wanted to have a few minutes to myself. I could tell he was not happy I suggested this. I never asked to walk to work alone again.
When I went to work he would go home and he would prepare dinner and do any house hold chores that needed to be done.
He had a key to my room and to the front door of the house. He had money. In my room I had a tv, a laptop and the house had WiFi, I had dvds, CDs, books, a bed, and food. After we left that house he always said although out the relationship that I was wrong for going to work and leaving him in that house. He told me he spoke to his friends and they all agreed with him.
When he would pick me up from work, i
finished at 2pm, he would say he wanted to go to the pub, I never thought anything of it. He said he just wanted to go because he wanted to spend time with me and I accepted that answer.
@Hellokitty917
I hope that you are finding it healing to write down what has happened? Your posts have a heartfelt strength and I hope you are safe and ok now. I look forward to reading the rest if you feel you can post it.
@MistyMagic
thank you. I am safe now.My abuser doesnt know where I am. I just struggle to cope with the after life. I will continue writing my story in the hope that it helps me. Its just hard to write it allay once.
@Hellokitty917
I understand that, take your time. Your words give hope to others that may read them .
I tried typing some more last night but it just randomly wiped off, I was using my phone.
We moved to town2 together. We moved because it meant we could have a flat instead of a room in a shared house. He has said that I could find a job there and that I would be allowed to travel back to Town1 to see my family and friends. As soon as we got there he said I couldn't go to work. He said he needed me to stay at home and look after him. He insitsted that we do everything together. If he went out I had to go out. If he wanted to stay in I had to stay in. I even had to stand in the bathroom while he went in the shower and If I went in the shower he had to stand in the bathroom. I realise now that moving me away from friends and family was all done to isolate and control me. He said I had to stand in the bathroom while he showered or used the toilet because something may happen to him in the bathroom if he was left alone or something may happen to me in the living room if I was left alone. I know now this was just another way to control me. I soon learned that I wouldn't be allowed to travel to see my family or my friends.
He kept telling me that my family were bad people. He kept telling me that they didn't love me. I believed him. I thought he loved me, I thought he cared about me and I didn't see why he would lie to me. I know now it because he wanted to turn me against them and for awhile it worked because for years we didn't speak.
Not long after we moved to town2 he said we should have one phone to share. He said we don't need two phones because we were always together. He got rid of my phone. It was a blackberry. He also said we should have a phone that doesn't go on the internet. He got an old nokia style phone for us to use. Again this was to control and isolate me. I felt I had to agree with him. I tried to say maybe I should have a phone because maybe there will be a time when we are not together and he got angry, so I just did as he wanted.
I had no opportunity to make friends or to speak to anyone.
We went out one day to the laundrette and as we were waiting for our clothes to dry I started talking to the woman that was working there. She told me she used to work in a care home and I told her that so did I. He asked me to step outside. He said he needed a word with me. I went outside and I was warned to stop talking to the woman because I was making him look bad because I had mentioned my last job. I went back inside and I just spoke to him.
I had a notebook with a few peoples names and numbers in. I didn't ever ask to call them because I knew he wouldn't let me. Christmas Day 2014 I rang someone from the book. I only wanted to make a quick call to see how she was and to wish her a Merry Christmas. The person I was calling was a woman that I had looked after. I always enjoyed speaking to her. At work whenever I was on a break I would pop into her room and speak to her. She was bed bound. She was in her 80's. She was like a grandmother to me. I would have never told her I was feeling or about the abuse that was happening. I would have just told her that everything was okay. I had a bracelet that she had given me. I feel I need to add this in incase someone is thinking I shouldn't have had her number or I shouldn't have had the bracelet, I was allowed them because she didn't have dementia and she had made the choice to give them to me, my manger and her daughter knew I had them. I picked up the phone without asking him. He was in bed and I had told him I was going to get a drink. He come in. I said it was nice talking to you but I have to go now. I hung up. He grabbed the phone, he went outside and throw the phone into a large bin, he made me go with him. We went back inside and he demanded to know where the bracelet was. I told him I didn't know but he searced and he found it. That went into the bin as well.
He would never clean the house and when I tried to clean up he would get angry. We had flees and we had mice at one point. He would get food from the take away and he would leave the left over food beside the bed, it would sit there for days. He would just throw his empty drink cans and dirty clothes on the floor. He would leave dirty dished lying around too. The only time I could clean up was when he had a lot to drink and he was in a deep sleep. He drank every day but sometimes he would go to sleep and he would wake up really easy. If he woke up when I moved off the bed I knew I wouldn't be able to clean up, I would just say I was going toilet and then come back to bed. When he didn't wake up I would clean up as much as I could. When he woke up and saw the place had been cleaned he wasn't happy, he would say to me I didn't want to spend time with him, I would rather clean than spend time in bed with him. That wasn't true. I would have rather of been in bed. I get tired easily. But I couldn't leave the house in the mess it was in.
Through out the relationship there where even times when he wouldn't shower. Sometimes he would get paid on a friday, he would go to the charity shop and he would buy jeans and a t shirt. He would go home shower and put on the clothes he just brought. He wouldn't wear underpants. He would wear these clothes day and night for the next two weeks.He would never shower in them two weeks. He would not shave. He would even wet the bed and he would just sit there waiting for his clothes to dry while still wearing them. I don't know why he did this. I kept trying to encourage him to get a shower. After two weeks he would go to the charity shop again.
He wouldn't let me get a shower. I would say I am getting a shower and he would say I only wanted a shower so I didn't have to spend time with him. I learned there was no pointing saying I was getting a shower because he would get angry. There was no point in asking either. One day I just went in the shower and he started shouting help, I got out quicky and grabbed a towel, I ran out to him, I asked him what was wrong... he had been screaming like there was a serious problem and I had got worried.... he was shouting for help because he needed me to pass him a can from the fridge.... he was perfectly able to do this himself... I got im the can and I just rinised the shampoo off my hair using a cup and the kitchen sink. We had no washing machine in the house. We only ever went to the laundrette twice in the whole time we were together. When he was asleep and I knew he wasn't going to wake up, I would fill the sink up with warm water.. .we had no towels... we had no soap... I would just wash myself in the best way I could with some baby wipes and warm water... it was quicker than getting a shower.... I was scared to get a shower incase he woke up and got angry. I had one set of clothes. Every few days I would fill the sink up with warm water and try to wash the clothes in the sink... it was exhausting and it hurt my hands trying to drain out as much water as possible.... I would hang them on the raditators but the heating wasn't always on... most of the time in the morning the clothes were till damp and I had to put them because I had nothing else and because he insited I went out with him.
@Hellokitty917
Your story shows what a strong and brave person you are, I am still here reading, 
I remember everything that happened. But its so hard to put it all into words.
He told me that he was into different things.... like sexual things.... he said he wanted to try things... just once... I didnt want to try..he kept asking..: he wouldnt stop asking. In the end I agreed. I said I would do it just the once..: just because he wanted to and I thought that would be the end of it.
He wanted me to urinate on him. I did it. I hate myself for doing it. I thought it was disgusting.
But after that one time he kept wanting it again. He wouldnt shower after it or even the next day.
Sometimes when I went to go to the bathroom he would tell me to do it there In the bedroom.
I felt trapped. I couldnt even go to the toilet.
I tried to be a good person. I tried to be a good wife. I tried to do everything I was meant to. I tried to keep the place clean and I tried to cook for us.
There were a few times when I cooked him dinner and he said I did it wrong... he got angry... he throw the dinner and he would say dont worry I will just go hungry... I always felt bad... I would offer to make something else or to go buy him something from the shop.... he would refuse... I even cooked a microwave meal one night he went mad... he said I cooked it wrong and he said I was useless. I tried to act like I was okay. Like nothing was wrong. The first time after I offered to make something else I decided to just eat dinner and he called me fat. It was a regular thing for him to call me fat. I hated earin
Eating in front of him. After awhile I stopped cooking for him. If he wanted to eat we would get a take away. I would pick at the food. I couldn
Trigger warning sexual abuse
I never realised until after I left him that he had sexual abused me. He never forced me to have sex in the conventional way... I am just going to go ahead and say it... never said it before and I am feeling sick as I type this...when I was asleep he would put his fingers up my backside..: he would do it so far.:: that it would hurt and it would wake me up...
after I left him... after some time.: I got a new boyfriend... we went to bed... he went to give me a cuddle and his hands where low and I thought hewas going to do what my ex did and I panicked and I moved his hand I couldnt tell him what happened... he decided I had too many problems we didnt stay together
my ex drank everyday. When we moved to town2 he would go and buy alcohol as soon as the shop opened. From the moment he woke up he was drinking. If he didnt have money for a drink he would beg shop keepers ir he would look around for unfinished drinks. He would make me walk around looking for drinks and money for him.
He said he drank because something stressed him out and I kept thinking once that problem is solved he will stop drinking... but I know now that it was all just an excuse.. no matter what he was always going to find an excuse to drink...I told everyone he wasnt abusive... he was just unwell and I had to help him... he went for an mri one day and I feel bad for even thinking it but I kind of hoped they would find something wrong with him... because then he wouldnt be an abusive person but he would be unwell and then I could look after him and I could forgive him..: they found nothing wrong... I didnt like going out... my depression was bad... I just wanted to stay in the house. I had lost interest in everything... he would make me go out with him and I hated it because there was a time when he would end up In hospital every time we went out.
He didnt start ending up in hospital all the time till March 2015: he woke up one morning said he felt unwell. He seemed okay. He slept most of the day. He got up, he ate something and he said we should go out to the pub..: he had one pint.. he said he didnt feel right.:: we left... he fell down... it was like his legs had just given up.. he got straight back up. We went home. He slept.. the next morning he was awake early. He said he felt fine. We went out for breakfast..: he ate that.:: lunch time he went to get a pint and passed out in the pub.
The passing out got worse. It went from just falling and getting back up straight away to being on the ground and being unresponsive for minutes. He would get seizures too. By the time the ambulance would come he would be speaking/responding again and the seizures would have stopped. He would be confused and forgetful though.
As time went on.. he would still be not responding when the ambulance would come..: Everyone said it was drink related... blood tests found nothing... he would go in a hospital bed... they would give him one drips vitamin b and a bag of fluid he would sleep he would wake up and I would sit there waiting for him to wake up... I couldnt go home he always held the keys and when he woke up he would never think okay my wife has been sat there awake all night I will let her go home and maybe that makes me a bad person but he would insist that we went out.. he was full of energy from them drips and the sleep... he was always thinking about himself.
He would often kick me out the house. I kept going back because I thought he loved me. I thought he would change. I thought I needed to be a better person. I was convinced he would be nicer if I was a better person. He would be okay like just sitting watching tv and he would all of a sudden scream at me to get out.. with no explanation why he would be angry shouting and even pushing me out the door. I never knew when it would happen
Most of the time I was given time to get my shoes and coat on and get ready to go but not this one time... January 2017... town2 was a seaside town it was really cold... I had my shoes on... he stared saying I needed to go... I was asking for my coat and he was saying I could F off while dragging me out the door...I had money... no phone... no where to go...at first I went Into the arcade I just walked around I had to keep warm but they closed at 10pm... I walked outside for awhile. I sat in the ground in the town.... freezing... I didnt know what to do... I sat opposite a woman... I thought that would safer than being where no one was around... I never asked for money... I never bothered anyone walking past... I had these two men come up to me one of them saying if I give oral sex I could have a place to stay for the night... as much as I neeee a place to go.. I couldnt go with them... I have been abused too much the woman opposite she come to speak to me.... her name was ivy..: she was abused by her boyfriend as well... she gave me her coat and I just wore it till I warned up a bit... and I gave it back to her.. she insisted I kept it on but I couldnt do that. And she gave me heroin. I am not proud that I took it but I needed something that needed
@Hellokitty917
You are being so brave writing all this out. I will send you a warm gentle hug, stay strong, we are here for you.
This must be hard for you. I applaud your decision to tell us about it and spread awareness about it. Thank you for telling us this story, you are wanted here, and I will keep listening to this for you.
@lifegivesulemons
thank you for your reply
I have reported him to the police
@Hellokitty917 That is good news, how did you get on? Perhasp you might tell us a littlemore of how this goes so that others might understand and know more on how it may help their fight and journey?
