My Silent Voice (Diary)

@BubblegumPuppy There's nothing to be sorry for ok? If I remember right your others have gone mostly quiet? Which can add to the confusion and feeling lost. You been put through a lot of pain and suffering because people didn't understand what you were going through in the past. It's easier to just think maybe you're crazy isn't it? I'm sorry I'm afraid I'm probably saying all the wrong things. 😞 All you really can do is try. Dealing with this is a lot of guess work. Trying to find something that works

@mytwistedsoulin the mist of this ever long storm going on in my life. What have I done that I keep getting all this crap dumped on Mr. i try to be good to everyone yes I get upset with my situation but I keep going and *** things up and string yo have a good attitude but it just not working soul

I try not complain but I have to have somewhere to go to open up I no want to hurt nobody but I am human to bot perfect but got feelings to

@mytwistedsoul         TW-weapon        

Thanks, Soul. You keep trying to help me keep my head above water. Now, I want to say I saw one of your posts that you were having some physical troubles, and I want to be here to support you as well.

Life can really get complicated with just day-to-day stuff. You have had many things happen to you over several months, too. Your dad, the Attorney, the girlfriend, and your dog.

It's been the same thing here every day has brought a new problem that I have had to handle. it makes it hard to come up and get a breath of fresh air. My health has been working overtime trying to keep me healthy, but I have never been a drinker, but some days I wish I could just drink myself into a stupor😂, But I know that is just a band-aid for an open wound,

My husband is milking his Dementia like a man milks a cow😊, a reason for him to pass all the business on me to figure out. I read some suggestions you made for me and Yes, you are right about the mixed feelings. She is the one that gave me one of her cricuts that I showed in the picture on the arts and craft forum. I ordered the Tee shirt press machine and hat press and cup press so we could do some stuff. Of course I paid for all the equipment and she was supposed to give me half of my money back. Now, I may or may not use the stuff, I am not sure. I am into dollhouses, and the tee shirts and hats were something she wanted, but she did not know how to operate her machine. I bought a membership to the company to have access to the software. Now I am stuck again with money spent on something that I am not too keen on doing, just like my car she bought and never paid me for, but I was the villain. I had let all those hurts go and tried to make peace with her, but that just happened when my husband got hospitalized. 13 years at this home and maybe 12 at the house, and his family may have come 5 times at the most, and that was with staying outside. I let it go and tried to be friends with his family. They are nice at their house but never come to mine. Maybe I am wrong for feeling that way or expecting that.

What happened with all those thoughts was that it triggered past memories of people who hurt me and took advantage of my kindness for no reason. As a so called friend of mine said to me in my face. Her mother said if you find a fool, bump his head, and that was what she had done to me. That cut me deeply because I thought she was my friend. Her boyfriend came to my home one day and I let him in because I thought he was a friend and one of my church brothers. I was watching tv, and when I turned my head toward him, he pulled a g........n out and put it to my head and asked what would I do if he pulled it. It scared the h.......l out of me. Just random, with no reason at all. I spoke and said there would be nothing I could do. He got up and left. Then the rape son that was born, children are a gift from God the Bible says. Was this a cruel joke at my expense? Then let him get killed.

Soul, my heart feels so broken, and I just don't understand. We talk about healing, but how do you do that when trauma never seems to stop? Trauma is all I have known from childhood to this day. I make myself try to be happy, but it is so fake. When the day is over, I have to deal with this mind and emotions and this stuff I do, even here trying to put band-aids on open gashes that are too much for a band-aid. What do you do, and how do you flip the script?🥹

You don't have to respond. I am so sorry for going on and on............sorry

@PiecesOfWhoeverIWas

It is perfectly ok, you are family, my dear.

@WorkingitThrough2 (offers safe hugs) ❤️ 53 years is a long time to be together. I wish I knew the right thing to say here. I struggle to understand relationships in all honesty. It's hard to know what some things (love) are when you don't have much to compare. I think sometimes with people, we accept things we probably shouldn't but we don't know any better at the time. It's not until we're older that we see things as they truly are with those people.

@WorkingitThrough2 I’ve had these thoughts too. Love is more complicated than I ever realized. It does hurt sometimes, because we sacrifice in real love and don’t always get that returned, or at least not in the way our heart most needs. You’re not sabotaging anything or gullible, I agree with Twist that these are natural reactions and ways to feel. People view marriage differently, and their personalities and backgrounds dictate how they contribute to it. For people who naturally give more, that is so painful. From a faith perspective, the way you are showing love is the way God hopes we will. You care and sacrifice. The sacrifice hurts, it really does. I think love hurts Him too sometimes, when it isn’t returned or He sees how people treat one another. I hope love comes back to you from the people you love most. I believe God created the universe in a way that all the love you have given is on its way back to you in some form. ❤️

@WorkingitThrough2. Don’t hesitate to check in here with us if you need some support ❤️.