Symbol of Rebellion

Pretty concerning...

When you're sitting in the office and then you hear some guy talking to one of the next door neighbors, "So there hasn't been any activity of her leaving?" ...huh.

A lot on my mind lately...

Was traversing the listeners thing for someone to talk to, but then I got triggered by one I spoke to ages ago. It was merely seeing their profile that got me a bit on edge. Like other listeners I've dealt with, they had some philosophical name and had this air of enlightenment on earth. H***, even their profile said how they thought they were the least judgmental person. Yeah, no. H*** no. But what really got me was how they have 5 star reviews and all this praise. So, I guess they just decided to be d-bag for whatever reason. They were extremely judgmental. And honestly, cold. I wonder what the devil is wrong with people sometimes. The same thing happened with my advisor, everyone praising his greatness- then d-baggery. It feels crazymaking.

See this pattern throughout my life where the abusers or people like this who assert themselves a higher status end up with this "tenure" in life. "Ohh! They wouldn't do something like that! You're a bad person for saying that!" ...eh, I'm sure a lot of folks on here know that too well. Can't help but feel a little broken when dealing with stuff like that. But...I know the truth and I have to keep it in my heart- it can be hard to reference, though!

Earlier tonight while I was making brownies I thought about the concept of Namaste and our best, beautiful selves. Seeing that in yourself, and in others as well.

Was ruminating on how fear and stagnation had dictated my life. Roles, dynamics, and at times- the "easy way" out of things. Where I simply left myself drift wherever despite how it affected me. Wanting to avoid conflict. Well, that's a combination of all of the above. I thought I couldn't do anything, that these psychic/emotional assaults that kept happening were my because I was inferior. That the abuse was because I had f***ed up so hard and I was thus a f*** up myself that deserved to be hated. I thought that because I was treated inferior, that I WAS inferior.

But that's not the truth. I kept on trying to swim against the current, only to be laughed at when I finally did make it to shore. Whether it be learning to drive, graduating, or doing whatever late or awkwardly. But I keep thinking about it even now. The core of my illness, I guess. This toxic shame and the things that happened to me- it warped my sense of safety and my lense is still slightly like a funhouse mirror when I look at life with the fears I have. But now I know the how and why- and that there's nothing I could've done then, but there are things I can do now.

This is a long f***ing ramble. XD Pretty repetitive, I know...

With all the bullsh*t we've all been dealt, all the fear or whatever... what is our truest self? That self, unblemished by those shackles and darkness that have bound us. What is the beauty within that will shine through us once we got a handle of those fears, that darkness within us?

There's something about that that sounds so utterly promising for the future...

Had to deal with secular stuff today.

This was supposed to be the day when someone contacted me and my advisor was changed. Didn't hear a damn thing. X____X; Still shows the creepy guy as my advisor. Horp. Besides that, I didn't have the house to myself today. The other person here was sick. Tried to play some games with them- they only wanted to be controlling. My choices or suggestions are usually swatted away like flies and of course they are sent to processing to be further rejected. Am walking away from that. I want to experience some of the national parks around here. The beaches, for instance.

Feeling a stronger push towards independence and driving again. Still creeped out because of the stuff with that PI BS. Have been doing what I can- but I don't even go out into the backyard lately. I know they can't watch me all the time if I AM being watched. But still... and I've been put off on exercising in the front room. I move around the house normally, but this apprehension. Frustrated because the appointment I scheduled the day before was months and months away. Wish I could've got my anxiety meds to help ease this so I wouldn't be stacked up with anxious thoughts. Guess I just continue my math and programming, and eventually my academic career.

Ah...

This article is pretty informative- feel like I went through a cycle of a few of these and am continuing through them. Even though they are just bullet points.

https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/why_leaving_abuse_is_hard/

For instance, started at 1. Went through 7, 8, and 9. Working my way out of 2 and 5. There's also 4 combined with 11 and 5 as well. Why no 3- the Honeymoon phase? They never once admitted their wrongdoing or were affectionate. The Honeymoon phase for covert n-tendency people looks different than the typical overt type. For instance, they would buy me things. Whereas the overt type would do this as well, they would throw in compliments and physical attention. Kinda creepy when you see someone's personality laid out in a checklist and their behaviors pointed out exactly, one by one. Abuser's playbook much?

Anyway...

Here's a collage of some fractals I've played with lately. Kind of my art hobby lately. XD

Sent an e-mail to the gentleman I spoke to about that advisor change since I haven't heard anything and I'm reluctant to lock myself into selecting classes right now until I get more information. I know the e-mail was automated, but I still REALLY don't wanna have this guy as my advisor again. 'specially with the ramped up stuff he's been pulling. The last thing I need is someone that pulls this kind of stuff- I want a leg up on my classes this term. ...I got sick again. X______X;

Here's a picture of a Maine Coon for no reason. They look like a Khajit from Elder Scrolls. So pretty, and angry.

Morp. <- Dreadfully close to "merp".

Been earning money here and there, very small sums. Put some of it into a fund, still need a bank where it can haz interest. Hmn. Meow. High yield savings... *sighs* Have to be careful about it since "all the money is shared, so mine should be, too." Yeah, not true. My input is usually ignored on major things, and his extra stuff is used for Lord knows what. Need to stock this savings decently. It's coming along. But I need to up my game. It was exciting seeing the money there where I could use it. Hard to believe after all this time. I really need to take more risks and seek more opportunities. Would love to get into freelance work and not chicken out of it. Things are coming along quite nicely. Think I can battle this anxiety and overwhelming bullsh*t finally. Some syzygy sh*t goin' on. XD

Look forward to trying out meds so I can find one that will work for me. Maybe not look forward to...but I am eager to find something to help me conquer this and then do my thing, lose the meds and live life without punishment from myself or others.

Just wanted to take the time to thank everyone for supporting me here. I know we've had our differences, but even still I'm happy that you have supported me and showed kindness no matter how long or short of a time it was. Grateful for that! <3 And thank you.

Societal Observations Done Dirt Cheap

Well...

I had an interesting adventure in the last day or so. Let's recount it.

Had to leave here for a bit due to the overwhelming nature of things I had to do via admin stuff for my life. For example, initiating phone calls for doctors appointments, university stuff, and balancing the creepy situation here and my own stuff.

Luckily, everything ended quite well. Had to e-mail someone to get my new advisor again because they must've derped. The next day after I received their reply, I get a call from my new advisor and they're pretty much damn near perfect. My social skills blow, so I end up talking over folks sometimes on accident or because I have a question. I'm at little kid level with it. X_____X; So I need to learn better listening skills. Usually, I'm quiet, so it takes a push to get me talking... compensating, I guess. But I realize it's annoying AF. Need to chill with that and wait my turn like a good girl. lool Ended up opening up to her about everything that happened with my previous advisor and why I switched, ...and came out about my agoraphobia. So everything is out in the open and my courses and everything are pretty much geared with that in mind. I also explained how I really suck at socializing and I'm sorry if I'm really awkward or rude with it. I was interrupty. X___X; Might be considered a little antagonistic on accident. Will ask to hear more about them next time and explain my awkwardness while listening and all that. Oh lord, I wish I could be a bit more adept at socializing.

Other good things happened. I scheduled an appointment haphazardly with a doctor's office, called my old doctor about something, and my financial aid just plopped right down at the beginning of the term here. I felt so good about how things were happening I decided to go out and eat a fancy dinner.

LOL OMG. We really are descended from apes and such, I think. It's a place where you get seated with multiple people and it's a dinner show. Group A- a redneck family with alcoholism issues. Group B- AKA insular couple B. Especially see Group B a lot. You're supposed to participate with the chef who is doing all these fancy tricks- he'll throw you food. Meanwhile, these twits were NO SH*T on FB and their phones their entire time and ignoring them. So SO and me are the only ones who engage them! They have tricks for like a grown up guy, and then a little girl. XD I usually get the little girl tricks done to me. lol Where he fakes throwing food at me or something and I react like a dweeb. THERE WERE CHILDREN THERE, but the children were as stupidly distant as the relatives. I don't mind helping out the chefs that way. WTF is wrong with people though? You pay like...at LEAST $50 dollars to eat there- and why the h*** bring toddlers that can't even eat steak? People are f***ing weird. Facepalm. So many. What I found interesting about Group B was that they were talking about their travels yet had no perception of the environment around them- hmn typical modern date, I guess. *tilts head*

A few triggery things happened to me while I was out. I swear the d-bag from Group A tried to take a picture of me- perfectly positioned the phone for a picture...creeped me the f*** out. Their alcoholism. I'm talking 4~5 drinks each within a somewhat short period of time. After that whole thing, I went to a store I frequent and saw someone that usually works there come in while I was checking out. They didn't look at me and had this weird smirk which grossed me out. I've spoken to that person before, and very haphazardly- they are very talkative and I didn't know how to keep up so I kinda got interrupt-y on accident. X____X; ...I also derped about something I was speaking with the check-out about. About how long it takes a certain incense to burn- which I grossly overestimated due to my disassociation and odd sense of time while meditating. ...just feel like that smirking person was crap talking after I left. I feel uneasy. It doesn't matter in the end, but seriously... gets old.

I survived all that, nonetheless.

Now I'm working on my university stuff and will hopefully finish up before too long. My head is having a hard time wanting to focus on this stuff- but I need to get in gear and do what I can. I don't wanna drag things out. Meow.

Pluffle.

That's all I wanted to say. C____C;

Ambition In Scarlet

Guess I wanted to say more than "Pluffle." it seems.

Was debating taking a bath and got a crazy idea as I stood in the bathroom. Started to try on some makeup I've purchased. I bought an eyeliner with kajal tip, an eyeshadow palette, and some of the lip shades I've collected but have yet to wear. I wear very sparse makeup when I'm out. Primer, foundation(usually a Korean BB or CC cream), lip stuff, and rarely a light brownish eyeshadow, finish it all off with a finishing spray. I began experimenting with the eyeliner first. Easier to manage than my previously purchased one. Still looked like some whacked out goth chick by the end of it. Some glittery eyeshadow, and then a bright red lip gloss. Looked intimidating- WTF Harley Quinn over here. XD Thank the Divine for micellar water. Got that mess right off quickly. But hey, experience points.

I also use micellar water when I feel too poopy to get up or do anything. Works great as a cleanser without being all dehydrating or having some unpleasant effect. Anyway, seems like a lot of folks are having some late night discourse around here. Think I'll join in.

I've noticed this pattern of feeling responsible for things we cannot control. While there are some things that should be bettered handled by us personally, where is that separating line that dictates this? Ah, yes... boundaries. I'm responsible for X. You're responsible for Y.

That seems too simple. But after a life of being made to take responsibility for everything... it's easy to say that my lines are overly blurred and it's cost me a lot of damage that extends to this later part of life. I hung out with the wrong crowd, but I didn't KNOW they were the wrong crowd because I was pushed to go find friends. They didn't start that way. Eventually, I saw a pattern and it went south with whatever bad behavior or habits. ...stuff doesn't seem that bad to start and there's this slow burn. Well, I guess it's more like a frog in a pot of steadily heated water. Then we get cooked.

I wonder what my relationships will be like? I still feel like too much of a weirdo to have friends offline. lol H***! What will be my romantic relationships look like? I take so damn long to get close to people. I remember my old friend had an arrangement that after X amount of time they would be intimate. I mean... a lot of folks nowadays wouldn't stick around for that long simply for a one-night stand. But I dunno... that seems too contrived for my style. Then again- I can see myself having a contract with my boundaries and such regarding intimacy. Hmn. I really hope I can make some friends to chill with offline as well. I guess I shouldn't force it... but I lack so much support and that has trapped me here. ..Nah, not the word "trapped" delayed me here.

Read a fortune last night about my situation. Had a very telling section of it that told me one of the life lessons I had to learn was that hastiness or rattling my cage is the worse thing to do right now. I need to be still and think about WHY things ended up this way. Basically, "Chill the f*** out and conquer your inner demons before even attempting to free yourself from the cage. Lest you break your neck flying hither and thither chaotically, without direction." Certainly, a time not to act impulsively.

Need to somehow not get so rattled by sh*t. Reminds me of the birds voldemom had who would get night terrors at the slightest thing and hurt themselves if you didn't calm them. Luckily, things are starting to become more easy for me to do. With the prospect of meds to help curb the especially bad anxiety/agoraphobia stuff as well as the trauma and depression, I wonder how much farther I'll go? Been ages since I last tried them- but I feel confident about psych's recommendations. My GPs didn't really know a damn thing about them. He knows about how they usually affect stuff, side effects, and stuff like that. Would be cool to not feel all weird and think "That's just the medication." Plan to discuss this more at psych, and get that coffee I wanted.

BTW. I don't mean to be cynical, and this isn't directed at any of you. But I've come to detest the word "love". SO will say it to me and then be completely isolated and gone- posturing and domineering/distant. I hate how he'll hug me or ACT like things are normal. He's a giant three-year-old.

*TRIGGER WARNING*

This weirdness with him. Just like that response to the "goodbye" thing someone left... it points to these absolutely pathological things. He tried to tell me all about these observations he had on folks when we went out- then he started "diagnosing" people with psychopathy from the Hare checklist. trololol. OMG- pot meet kettle. But anyway, I'm so convinced that his mother or any one member of his immediate family had sexually abused him. I know the covert incest stuff is very visible. The weird feelings I've gotten from his family before creep me the f*** out. There's always a sexual undertone somehow. All these things, all this energetic "combat" that occurs and the distance and lack of communication. The pretend it'll go away BS, then run off to mommy if there's an evil argument! "Remember to look normal on the outside! ACT like a good person."

Somehow I think it's past the point for marriage counselors now. *sighs* This is going to sound terrible... and I know that I wouldn't really have any prospects... but I'd like to go on dates with someone again where y'know...you get to know the person and genuinely connect? The reason I say the lacking of prospects thing is because I'm still very agoraphobic/anxious. My car is still being repaired. I lack a job- and oh hey! I'm still married...well the paperwork says that. I really miss some kind of connection, but at the same time I know better than to jump into something like that. Would probably get hurt, and maybe that's my inner victim wanting to be rescued and an "easy way out".

Either way. I need to not be hasty. Have many signals telling me to look straight into the eye on issues and that opportunities and prospects will come to me as I keep on working. For this time in my life, anyway. Have felt very inclined to work on my stuff without that creepy advisor giving me h***. ...things are truly working out on that end at least. So weird being able to cry from happiness instead of sorrow.

A Small Rant About TV

Okay...so I don't usually watch TV. Sometimes if someone is watching something I might- but typically I don't enjoy it very much. I've noticed this thing about really screwed up people in my life being practically addicted to TV. SO has it as has new God amongst video games. Lying there watching TV alone ALL THE TIME. He is mentally incapable of pretty much anything except his brat tantrums. So effectively an infant. My mother and father cared more about what was on TV than if I even fell down the stairs. Not joking- this actually happened. I could've died. No one cared.

There were other relatives and it's so funny what the h*** they watched. Voldemom I and voldemom II(MIL) both watch programs about cheaters getting caught. FIL watches stuff like CourtTV and specifically divorce court stuff so he can laugh at how terrible the people are. <-His direct quote. "It makes him feel better about himself." SO watches scifi and sh*t like House M.D.(which I absolutely detest). Have no problem with Hugh Laurie but that program is so stupid and trite. It's mindnumbing. He also watches stuff about criminals being caught in the act.

...So, yeah... seeing this common thread. They all have substance abuse issues. Most have alcoholism besides that. Not to mention the common thread of having the symptoms of a personality disorder or being outright abusive or dysfunctional. Have this thought going that maybe they like seeing criminals and squeeing at the fact that they're better people! "Oh! How could they DO that?! *insert fake tear here*"

In other words, it effectively props up their false self more. They also get to enjoy multiple fantasies while being utterly lazy and devoid of any thought. Have noticed this chronic laziness is also something in common. A lot of their tactics are old and worn out methods because they're really too dumb to learn any new ones. Thus the *insert PD here playbook*.

I feel like truth is paramount to imagination some way. Oftentimes truth is stranger than fiction! Truth is something that leads to more questions that must be asked to seek more truths. Life is a journey of truths really. Whereas they don't want to participate and lead cold dead lives amongst the wreckage they've created. Whereas those in recovery or growth mindset have to learn and seek out new avenues in order to keep growing and learning on their journey.