Symbol of Rebellion
Welcome to my new diary thread. This diary is more geared towards the theme of love as a form of rebellion. My previous diary was more of a hodgepodge of reflection and daily occurrences. While this one will probably have that and the all-important rants (╯ □ ）╯︵ ┻━┻, I'm making a point to pursue more positivity and love in my life...and to share some of what I have learned. I can't help but reflect upon things. So look forward to a long monologue about some inward thing here or there. XD (^._.^)ﾉ | •́ ◇ •̀ | (^._.^)ﾉ
There's a lot to catch up on here. Still...I feel kinda hollow from all the crying I've done yesterday and today. Got up to eat and get something to drink and they were still here. Get up a few hours and gone. Just gone. Find it interesting that North mentioned he felt something would happen earlier. When I picked up the roses the other day, I walked out and mentioned how somehow it felt like they were for a funeral. This feeling of grief matches that.
You're all still here. I value your company and will reconnect soon! <3 Been confined to bed for a few days this week. Things. Blarg. When I was out, I went shopping thinking of everyone. Picked up some little snacks and a DIY candy kit for people here. Made a traditional Japanese tea time complete with sweets and was gonna share it with everyone in the fort. But with the announcement of the leaving thing... no matter at what angle I took the picture of the populated tea tray, it was imperfect and unsightly.
Moving on to more logistical matters.
Speaking with my psych tomorrow over the phone.
Things to talk about:
-The mother's day thing. My body's reaction and how I hid in bed near panic. Angry, grieving, depressed, manic.
-How SO ran off with MIL and the usual "miasma" simply blended in. I got this image of a beaker full of this viscous, poisonous liquid that had dripped over and the beaker was completely full. Not to mention lies of omission. lol Basically, he is completely taken over as an extension of the "family". Not a person anymore. That much is clear.
-About how he grabbed me and forced me to kiss him all creepily and I resisted but he ignored it. Then declaring he loved me and tried to get me to parrot him. F***. THAT. NOISE. Creepy AF.
-My positive experience out shopping despite being shamed/guilted for even buying anything because buying necessities for someone = LOVE. e_e;
-Not to mention the mindf***ery that occurred regarding my asking for help with chores. Only to get this silly ass entitlement. "Oh, when you were sick I was reaalllyl worried that you were putting pressure on me to wash the dishes. So thank you for finally doing them." <-said to me after I did some house cleaning and dishes were piling up EVERYWHERE. Not to mention disgusting unwashed everything. I rarely give in to that kinda sh*t but sometimes for your own health and safety, you gotta step in...boundaries have no effect on this kind of specimen. I put a sign up that told him to rinse/put away the dishes and quit being a wanker.
-And then stuff on 7c. Meow. The leaving stuff. Blorp. Things.
*sighs* I don't wanna make oyakodon. Cooking for me is spiritual and an act of love, like intimacy, I only cook for certain people I love or care about.
Well...time to work on that paper. Don't wanna disappoint or anything. Hopefully, one day I'll be on that balcony eating cheesecake like Wize predicted. Gotta put in the hard work now!
@CaloenasNicobarica <3 💖. You will be ok too.
@CaloenasNicobarica
*big hugs* I'm sorry your struggling right now Cal! I'm here for you.. the leaving thing is really hard atm. The SO makes me angry with him doing that, it's just wrong and I'm sorry you have to deal with that. You are strong and resilient. You will get there Cal, I truly believe that. For the mean time you have all us by your side and cheering you on, as well as offering hugs and love because you deserve so much good in your life. Wishing you luck with the paper, but you got this! 💖💖
@CaloenasNicobarica
Hey Cal... I hope your conversation with your psych on the phone went well, if you had it already... Damn it, that's definitely a lot to talk about... Well, I just wanted to send you some hugs and tell you, yes, I'm still here *hugs* 💕💖
@courteousNorth5140
Hey, Northy! Saw you in the check-in and just replied. XD I don't doubt that you're here. And hell, I haven't gotten around to answering you or the others on here! Have been reading up and will reply throughout today. As for my phone call thing, not sure when he's gonna ping me. Just "this afternoon". BLARG so open. X_X; Got a bill from them in the mail. I pay in cash every time, thankfully I have the receipt. ...but I just went through and organized 2~3 years worth of receipts from the fellow! Haaaa. Pft, but it's done and I have the receipt. Yay! Adulting star for today.
Was gonna take a pic of some of the stuufs for you. There was a DIY kit with kawaii waffles Tanoshii Waffles! XD OMG I love the packaging. MOAR CUTE THINGS! MOOAAR.
@CaloenasNicobarica
Yay on adulting!! Definitely deserves an extra adulting star 😂 is it adulty to give stars for adulting? 😂 Oh well, here's your star ⭐ I cleaned the bathroom today YAY! 😁 Oh yes yes yes on the DIY kawai waffles, awesome... I looked on the page, I might order there too 😊 love that stuff....
Oh and well, there isn't much to answer on, it's been soooo quiet here 😕 and that's shit about the phone call, so you just have to wait and then it's practically spontaneously? That's like my therapist showing up here 😂😂 but I'll cross my fingers for you *hugs* thinking of you and sending you positive vibes from little buddha 💕💖
@courteousNorth5140
Gold star for cleaning the bathroom! Wooo! Adultulations!
@CaloenasNicobarica
Woohoo!! 😂
*plops down in thread*
Dat phone call.
It didn't happen yesterday, but he got back to me today and was good about scheduling one and following through. To get more time I sent a certain someone out for treats since it was right after they get off work. XD
Hmn. I addressed most topics. But what I figured out speaking with him was that typical grounding stuff couldn't help the Voldemom's day stuff. He mentioned tapping(which I dislike, but I am open to). The shoulder points in particular. After you cross your arms on your chest sarcophagus style or something you tap there.And tap one side then the other. Supposed to engage left x right brain. Mn....
The other stuff. Was kinda "Well, duh!" Yes, it was a control thing with that creepy sh*t. Second, it appeared to psych that he was very desperate and vulnerable right now. To just keep that in mind when dealing with him that it's coming from that place, probably in response to my own growth and improvements. Still. I need to be more firm on my boundaries and not just be stunned. Hooo.... gotta be present and on-point! I mentioned some things and he referenced how sometimes in Asiatic cultures stuffing emotions and such where it turns somatic occurs, in reference to SO. LOLzPsychosomatic stuff. It's sad, but seriously. He's made his own chains. I'm more certain of how gone he is than I have ever been in my entire life. Even his appearance is getting affected by his internal world. Quite something.
Did mention the positive stuff going on, and how I went shopping. I look forward to early June, though it might be tiring. Hope I can see the octopus and get the rainbow ice cream! Blarharhar.
I don't even. Life is so damn surreal right now.
@CaloenasNicobarica
its so hard to get over the stunned response phase (or freezing up) and switch it up to being grounded and on point when responding to just utter nuisance and crap 💩! Ive been finding that if I just start to listen to that very first inkling of a feeling in my gut that somethings off - and start grounding myself immediately it seems to be helping now.
Thats interesting what he was saying about the tapping and accessing both sides of the brain - sort of like what EMDR does 💡
been thinking of you. Slowly trying to check in with peeps ❤️
@CaloenasNicobarica
Yay! Finally your phone call! So glad you got the chance to adress your topics 🙂
Hm, yeah, what your psych said about your SO seeming to be vulnerable and desperate, yeah, sounds logical, hm but that's a really difficult state of mind, hurt people can react really badly, they are unpredictable, especially men... yes, of course you have to be firm about your boundaries, I just want you to stay safe and take good care of yourself, ok? *hugs*
And did this tapping work? An interesting idea, gotta try that 😁
Yeah, life is surreal sounds about right, feeling a bit like that too... And have to leave the surreal part tomorrow and go back to real life, no idea how 😕
Oh and thumbs up for RAINBOW ICECREAM!!! 😂😂 how awesome is that?? Love that 😁 you gotta get as much rainbiw icecream as you like 😊 *hugs* 💕
@courteousNorth5140
Northy!
It makes a lot of sense, and it always seem like they've been desperate/vulnerable. Have had therapists pick up on that and it's also a hook for the poor Christian boy role he plays. Just wish he would actually get the help he needs, but... denying the entirety of reality....nah, it's dangerous playing with that fire. So I have to play a game of chess to stand up for my own boundaries and values, while walking past the minefield of other things. I know you mean well and all that. Been takin' better care of myself lately. ...don't mean to flip the script or anythin' but you've been a busy body around here! I hope you're taking care of yourself as well! *huggle*
Uh...the tapping thing actually did something I think. Still awkard to me. There's this yoga technique called Pranayama or something? Well, alternate nostril breathing. Does the same thing but you breathe through one nostril and out the other. That works to balance things out.
Hope you're doing well, did you manage to knock back the melting clocks and come back in time for reality?
Dat rainbow icecream! Been wanting that for YEARS! But I always go before or after summer, when all the foodcarts are closed. Wooo! Cheesecake rainbow swirl while looking arctic foxes! *dances* OH! Got my dagashi package today. So much Umaibo. XD
...btw...haven't commented on this yet, but everytime you talk about your therapist I imagine them as John Cleese for some reason. XD
@CaloenasNicobarica
My therapist has me doing tapping!
Still taking time off to figure things out. Not meaning to ignore everyone. Wishing you all well.
Back to the lab in my mind where I will continue to dissect things and find out about the anatomy of situations, roles, and motivations.
For now, I shall be an anatomist.
@CaloenasNicobarica
Wishing you all the best, Cal... Really hope you'll find the answers you are looking for 💕💖 take good care of you
@courteousNorth5140
Thanks North, may the best come to you as well. <3
@CaloenasNicobarica thinking of you this morning Cal and popped in to see how youre doing ❤️ (Love the shirt also 😉). Hope your self- reflection brings some enlightenment rather than getting lost in thoughts (I do this sometimes- I find it helps for me to actually write stuff down, hence what I appreciate about here). Sending you hugs today !
@purpleWest8143
*hugs*
There's been so much I've wanted to say to you. A lot has happened with your different relationships and life seems to be pretty tumultuous. I've been reading your diary but I royally suck at responding to anything right now. lol I'm sitting there with you. And dayum, Bikram yoga. That's intense! I dunno, I see a lot of growth happening! And am def gonna check out that Assertiveness book you recommended. <3
@CaloenasNicobarica never a truly dull moment lol
Oh, look. Movement in the Rebellion thread.
Since I'm having a lot of trouble concentrating, I'm gonna throw out a letter to my future lover/spouse which depicts my needs and describes how I am and what I want as a person.
=====================================================================================================
Dear Future Lover,
I am Pigeon. A fierce, yet laid-back Taurus who enjoys the simple things in life, but certainly won't turn away some of the more extravagant pleasures o.-. I take things pretty easy, am not one to rush into things heedlessly. I like to feel things out, take them slowly and see how things play out. If you're looking for a quick fling, I'm not for you. And certainly, don't trick yourself into believing you can change that. I believe getting to know each other more than a few hours or even weeks is called for before taking the step to "romantic encounters". I'm looking for someone who is dependable, emotionally intelligent, mature, but isn't afraid to be dorky or let their inner child show.
I'm gonna be honest with you. It may take a couple years for me to even get to a point where I can be romantic with you. I don't mind maybe hugs/kissing/cuddling when they happen organically and not all creepily. But I'm gonna just say it right now. I'm a gray heteroromantic asexual. I don't feel sexual attraction towards people. I just don't. Maybe a very small percentile. I can admit when people are beautiful or attractive, and I may even say some pretty questionable things. XD But it takes ages to build up an emotional bond before I can engage in such things or feel that kind of attraction. Guess you'd call that demi-sexual...but I find the word pretentious so I don't use it. Maybe time will shorten it and things will change, but not after this relationship. I think it's important to take time to grow and learn from our experiences. Not rushing towards the frying pan, into the fire. Which I've known all too well.
As for what I'm into and not into, well... that can be discussed when needed. But don't expect me to sway on these things. Let's just say you very well might be signing a contract with me where we determine what's called for and not and agree upon those terms. Make things simpler and more streamlined for finding what works for the both of us as individuals. I want there to be open dialogue without judgment. Whether it's about matters of intimacy, concerns, the weather, the cats, whatever. Open dialogue, by the way, is not a license for someone to come in and destroy the place with "brutal honesty" aka tactless aggression. I don't mind bluntness sometimes, but it can go overboard pretty quickly.
Another thing. I'm not someone you "put out to stable". AKA Seek out to have children. Motherhood is a nightmare for me. Children, the same. I think children can be pleasant, but I've already dedicated most of my life to putting the needs of the immature over my own. I want to live for myself foremost. Related to that is marriage. I simply don't feel like being married is something of any importance to me. I do want commitment, but I don't see marriage as the end all/be all. Prove your commitment to me via your own actions. Prove your love with action. Not empty words or manipulative gifts. Earn trust and respect by...y'know being mutually groovy. lol It's not that hard of a concept, but sometimes it can be.
Ah, and here's something that'll probably be rather difficult to address. Inlaws. Seriously. If you don't stand up for me or at least unite with me then we cannot be together. I refuse to be with someone who doesn't treat me as a human, who doesn't treat me with the respect I deserve as a human being. There is a chance if your family is a bunch of crazy douchebags, I'm probably not gonna stay around. Don't want to be connected with that crazy bullshit in my life. I want to keep things simplistic and positive. You cannot ignore the darkness, and it shouldn't be shoved aside. But does that mean we should live in filth with the lights turned off?
I want things to be on an equal playing field for the both of us. I want to be working and on my own. And I hope you're already that way. lol I don't want posturing or any competition. I want support. Empathy. Love. Kindness. Encouragement. Friendship, and the ability to have stimulating intellectual conversations without it turning into you beating me down with your words as you distance yourself further.
As you can see.... I still have a lot of debris and projection from my current relationship. I worry that people will be a lot like him or that I'll attract that craziness again. But the thing is, I need to heal myself before I even take things to the point of friendship due to the toxicity that has been seen as normal for so long. So I can filter things before they get out of hand and save myself the trouble. So I can see you for you, not my fears lodged in the past. There is a lot of work to be done. However, I'm making the effort to change. And I will not tolerate someone telling me to change for them because there's nothing "wrong" with them and everything with me. Yeah. Not happening. We all have issues we need to address. I know a lot of this makes me sound like a difficult candidate. And yeah, maybe. But I will provide you with a very unique experience as my lover. One that is far from the norm, I can assure you.
~Pigeon
(Part I)
@CaloenasNicobarica
I love this Cal! It's brilliant *hugs*💖
@CaloenasNicobarica
I love this ☺️
Thought I would update on here... think I'm gonna be able to come back soon...
My social phobia is kind of variable right now. I was able to go into the front lawn and be able to retrieve packages, but now there's this creepy house across the street with loud ass music all the time and enough cars to fill a freakin' little pot lot. So yeah. THAT house. C_C; I've even seen some of the neighbors staring over here, and when I left on a big trip one of them was literally STARING at me as I left. I freakin' hate them. ...*sighs* I don't even wanna get packages delivered right now... and today some stuff was getting delivered but someone needed to answer the door and I freaked. Couldn't do it, felt panicky when the doorbell was rang.
Have been forcing myself to go out to the back since it's private. Other things I've handled decently... but my neighborhood seems to keep getting worse. The older gent that lived there must've passed. Now this. He minded his own business, usually. I could easily navigate around him- with these new ones it's difficult. Because they just seem to have nothing to do. I try to ignore them the best I can when I leave, but agoraphobia or even just not running around like a spastic decapitated chicken = weirdo. And I know that if I want to blend in more it's better to have a "normal" schedule than forego leaving most of the time. *sighs, hides*
Although, there's this...self-work is coming along well. But I'm struggling right now. Father's day is soon... big trauma anniversary stuff. I'm stuffing it away like usual. Pretending it won't happen, but I know on the surface I have to face that day. It's hard enough with SO and his own brand of crazy lately.
Hope my psych calls today, I have many questions and things to bring up. I've got to do something about this...
@CaloenasNicobarica
*safe hugs* You can do it 
@singercrystalspirit
Thanks, Singer! It's good to see you! *hugs you back* Hope things are going well for you. It's been ages it seems. <3
@CaloenasNicobarica
☺️ It
@singercrystalspirit
Ah! I see! I was reading some of your stuff earlier today after this post. Even though there's a lot going on for you, I think you're taking it in stride pretty well. Though...it certainly may not seem that way. My psych was telling me yesterday about how transitions affect our lives. He mentioned his daughter graduating from preschool or something, and how she acted with anxiety and was all over the place. He also noted other important little goalposts that happen when you're young. But the takeaway was that this continues to affect us, whether we like it or not and these backslides/anxieties are as natural as the process of living itself. And they happen to everyone, essentially. Which I thought I was totally on an island or it was a trauma/anxiety/mental kinda thing.
...I mean, hell, I say all that but it's still really hard to accept even though it's quite a revelation. Wherever life takes you, I believe in you and your adventure! <3
@CaloenasNicobarica
Thank you 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
Today, wasn't that bad.
But I wonder if I'm not shoving stuff away.
In the morning I heard SO calling his distant, @$$hole father. Who didn't want to do anything with him and was practically telling him to f*** off. Totally made certain he was secondary/invisible to him. I mean, I already knew he got it from him and a combination of his mother who only acknowledges achievements or total compliance. It was sickening. He's spent a lot of time with them and I know now more than ever I just can't rely on him for anything. He's gone.
So today...
I focused on distracting myself. Playing a game and eating some junk food, but not allowing myself to continually snack. Put out an offering for the males who have done well for me no matter if they are Divine, spirit, man, beast, or otherwise. I looked into changing some things. My voice. I hate it! It's always so nasally. So I decided to look into it and different methods for speaking or voice training. And I can say that already today with my practicing I have a very good feeling about my voice now. Targeting my speaking towards the front of my face, and speaking a bit more resolutely.
Looking forward to continuing my voice training. <3 It's a huge thing to not have that annoying ass voice following me around. XD I keep on saying dramatic things from romance novels. LOLOL I don't even
Getting rid of that voice that I've been harassed for, made fun of for having...it's like saying they don't have power over me anymore. Growing past them. When I enter the workforce I want to be taken seriously. And unfortunately, I must adapt in certain ways to smoothe my transition into being able to handle work and more complex social interaction- yeah, no being holed up in a library with someone throwing money at me. *sighs*
...hahah, and here I've avoided the topic of Father's Day for myself. You see, I was panicky early on and didn't get much sleep due to near panic-mode. When I did go to sleep I dreamt about going along with some older guy in a romantic relationship that I wasn't kosher with. Even though it was very subtle, it was still a f***ing nightmare. I hate this kinda sh*t. I used to get nightmares when my PTSD was more unaddressed. Find that with EMDR these have lessened to the point they are quite rare. ...it was pretty damn unsettling... but it will be interesting to bring up at psych. ...feel like I've just kinda "went along" with things most of my life, with catastrophic results. If anything, I think this is a declaration from my brain telling myself to stand the f*** up and take charge. And, I will.
@CaloenasNicobarica
hey Cal it's good to see you... I really missed reading your posts here, even if I don't have anything substantial to say, but I missed having you around...
@courteousNorth5140
Thanks North! It's good to see you as well. I've been ninja-ing around reading posts, but totes at a loss for replying so I get ya.
Was gonna tell you about this awesome stuffed animal thing, but I dunno. Maybe too random? These things called Squishmallows. OMG They're so soft and cuddly, and there's purple/pink unicorns. <3 I got the cow. O_O; It's like the perfect freakin' thing to squish and I bet children or babies would like it...and here I am in my 30s squishing the damn thing. XD
@CaloenasNicobarica
whaaaat? talking about cute fluffy stuffed toys is too random?? are you kidding me? 😂 gotta google it immediately... OMG!!! 😂 I need one!! or ten..... awesome... can't decide... but I'll totally get one for little one... oh and the stories are so cute so thanks for showing me...
oh and don't worry about replying on anything, that's perfectly fine, just hope that you're ok and finding your way on secret ninja paths 
@CaloenasNicobarica
ok, ordered two of those Squishymallow thingis 
a grey and a baby pink bunny... had to look for them on Amazon, cause the original site only ships within the US or Canada... showed the page little one today and he was completely delighted with all of them, so he wanted to have the bunny, so I ordered a bunny for myself too thanks for showing me 
@courteousNorth5140
Wahahaha! Squishmallows! >XD
It's hard to traverse these ninja paths with heels. Bein' all hot shinobi lady and then BAM, flat on my face because my heel gets stuck between one of those chunky stones in the zen gardens. X_X;
Cool! They had 'em on Amazon. Was wondering if they'd ship across the pond. I picked up mine from a game store that has a lot of nerd swag. I couldn't stop squishin' the damn thing once I picked it up! Even their ears are squishy! I'm glad you and the little one approve. <3 The bunnies are really cute. I think the baby ones come with a rattle in them. Think I might play with mine more if it had the rattle. lol
NP! Def will share more random cutesy stuff that you and perhaps your little one can also enjoy. <3 Oh. can't remember if I mentioned it- I got the cow one! It's...like a pig-faced cow/bull thing. O_O; *commences squishing cow plush*
@CaloenasNicobarica
oh you gotta work on your ninja abilities need some training from our Stormy Sensai
so, those squishmallows got me all excited, showed them my man, been like this excited little child like look how cute that's an owl, and a dog, and a cat, and omg look the bunnies, oh look here, look there lol.... and yeah, he's been like, yeah... no, yeah, really, very cute.... so told him they are called squishmallows, you know, squishmallows, they are on amazon, there are many of them, we need more of them, you know 
can't wait to squish them and yeah, you said you got the cow, I love it, would love to have them all lol
and yes, always share cutesy stuff :) we're all into it, well we meaning little one and me
@courteousNorth5140
IKR. The chick ninja stuff is all floofy and ribbony. BLARF. It's cute, but gets caught on stuff when roof running. So embarrassing! *blushes and flails* I think I'll take one of Storm-sensei's classes about navigating Japanese landscapes. Which one? Hmn... Zen Gardens, Impregnable Feudal Castles, Pools, High Schools, Futuristic Flying Base, Roadside Inns... *flips through course brochures* I gotta pay him a visit...or at least get up the nerve to post. I feel like since I went into analysis mode and walked away that I kinda lost the right to post or speak over there. But...it's probably just me being weird about it.
OMFG Squishamllows1 I'm glad your fellah approved! Sounds like your entire little family is getting in on the hype! Which one do you think he'll get? XD I think you should be the Squishmallow ambassador to the UK. *salutes* ...though I wonder why there is no squish capybara? O_____O; *squishes cow in the meantime* ...I can't stop saying "squish" when I actually squish this damn cute cow thing!
LOL Will do. All the cute things! Went shopping yesterday and picked up this cut-sew Harry Potter shirt. "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good." Marauder's Map, woo! Tried to find a Ravenclaw top but couldn't. Need MO0AR Potter merch. Stat. XD Oh... and I picked up some girly eye liner. As depicted by the image below. They use famous anime chicks for their products. Believe she is from the Rose of Versailles. Definitely gotta get around to reading that.
@CaloenasNicobarica
I didn't know there is ribbony chick ninja stuff are ya sure Storm-sensei can teach you to walk in your chick ninja heels? but yeah, you definitely should stop by and say hi, we're all about brainStorming there (hah! you saw my absolutely smart pun lol)
oh well my man's excitement about all my cutey stuff is a bit, well ironic, but oh well, I get away with it *puppy eyes* I can't waaait to get mine gonna squish it like crazy... amazon said it'll come between July 3rd and 5th...
and yay! on Harry Potter stuff I definitely need more too, I only have pjy and socks, that's not enough, not at aaaall.... ooooh you said Ravenclaw, yeah, you're definitely Ravenclaw, there are those funny tests, have to find one again, but in one I've been Hufflepuff, don't want to be Hufflepuff, especially cause me and yellow? like, honestly? nope... so gonna find one of the tests...
oh wow, that eyeliner 
that's like a really girly eyeliner advert... what colour is it? looks like, lavender? oh I remember, you once asked me about make-up, and I have a tip for you, primer, always use a primer under the foundation, makes your face practically poreless, awesome stuff... got one from Maybelline I think... oh and I also got a fixation spray, don't know if that really works, but thought not a bad idea for summer... but thing thing smells a bit like watermelon, eww... don't like the scent... ok, yeah, so much about make up Take care Cal
@CaloenasNicobarica
Hi Cal! Good to see you around again.. hope you've been well, missed reading your insights and stuff anywho sending much love and *hugs* if you want them 💖
@calmLake1999
Thanks for the hugs, Calm! <3 Sending you some as well.
Been sortin' out my silly ass head for awhile now. I feel like I can be here and interact with folks again. Guess it was like...internal boundary work? Because that hypervigilance/empathy stuff. Not to mention a lot of upheaval mentally for me lately. Though, it seems like you and the fort peeps are growing and changing as well! So yeah, upheaval together again. lol
Hope things are going better for you. Sending some radiant loving kindness your way.
@CaloenasNicobarica
Thanks Cal! Extra hugs 💖💖
@calmLake1999
TY. <3 I'll make sure to stop by and post some animal pics/reply to your diary. I love how in that picture with dog it has this C______C; look perfectly! The bear cub is so fuzzy!
A Pleasant Day of Batsh*t Crazy
It's about a week til the full moon. Though, by being out today I hazard a guess that it should've been a great deal sooner! The chaos was just permeating the air today. It also has the kind of climate that a thunderstorm would erupt from. There was a pleasant breeze as I waited outside of the therapy office today, I looked over at the burger place next door. Only to see some dude go f***ing ballistic and start screaming curse words, honking and trying to back into someone. You could hear him cursing and honking at the other person in the distance. This was in a freakin' little burger shop's tiny parking lot. X_X; Like WTFF. And the real crazy thing about this? He was in a mini-van! XD
It made me feel gross watching this so close to me. This random burst of insanity. It was one of those survival horror moments where you start saying to yourself, "I need to get the f*** out of here." which I did. I had to wait for SO to pick me up. And therapy- holy carp that was interesting today. I didn't even cover the entirety of my list today! I forgot about my damn nightmares! Ugh, c'mon Pigeon.
I covered a lot. And I didn't really think about it too much til I was in session...but I've been a bit...suicidal feeling lately. I guess it's because I see all that I have to do and am wondering if when I do make it out...will I simply be bullied, harassed, and not taken seriously the rest of my life? Those old issues and insecurities pop up. How my only job that I worked shortly was so traumatic. All the previous stuff with it... seems like that drove the other stuff deeper and contributed to its force. Think next time I'll do some different EMDR as per psych's suggestion.
Also discussed some stuff like masochism and traumatic cycles. Weird hunger cues, and a personal question about his most frustrating thing about being a client with a therapist that he's experienced. Was an interesting answer. Which I won't share on here, because I respect his privacy on this matter. Anyway, had some interesting discussions about SO and his "reactions" to the medication and the suggestions I've used from psych. SO is completely lying about the ADHD. He is not reacting at ALL like someone would with those particular meds if they did have it. And the projective identification thing. This is a recurring factor. Besides outright projection.
As I continue to grow and change, a lot of backlash happens. But this is natural- even though it feels like hell. Meanwhile, SO is afraid of ever coming into contact with his true self. Things are bizarre. The thing where SO kept getting rejected by his father on father's day and him chasing after was really...disturbing. Painful when others have heard it. What a f***ed up life he chooses to live. I've gotta remember to come to terms with my trauma and not waste my time disassociating or hiding out. I want to get to a point where I can at least drive or start some online freelance work by the end of the year. School is important, too. And skills. Gotta continue to work on those. I want better for myself. A life where I can keep my dignity and thrive. A life where I don't have to sell my soul to simply exist.
Reading list:
Boundaries
What Every BODY Is Saying
Projection and Re-collection in Jungian Psychology
How To Make Friends and Influence People
Assertiveness
Blorfle. Sickbuh.
Got some of my programming stuff done today. But I'm still not satisfied. ...guess I won't be satisfied until I'm out there working in the field and some kind of authority or something on it. >XD
I'm having trouble focusing so I'm letting a video run in the background as I type this. Maybe when I go back and watch it it'll sink in a bit more. For some reason, when I'm sick it's easier to work on stuff like this. I don't even... Have also been finding it easier to walk away from my usual evenings. They basically involve staring at a screen in the other room because I can't focus on stuff that I'm working on. Have also been reading every day lately. Mn...feel like I'm having trouble with my weight or at least sensing it. My hunger cues are weird and I can't tell if I lost or gained. So freakin' weird. I can fit into some old jeans after ages but somehow I feel bloated and plorp. Either I feel really bad and disgusting when I look at my figure or I'm just okay with it. Think I need to do my affirmations that I have written down.
There's an exercise I do where I stand in front of a mirror, recite the affirmations, and make eye contact with myself when I do so. They are the present tense forms of negative beliefs put into positive ones. "I feel incredibly fat." -> "I am happy with my weight." I have a lot of shame with my body from my family and their abuse. Females in my family would compete in this weird eating disorder Olympics to outskinny the others. And cosmetic surgery was totally a thing for them. Anyway, if I break eye contact with myself I force myself to restate the affirmation and lock my gaze.
......mn SO's phone rang today and I was a weirdo and decided to see who it was since he was busy... it was MIL. C______________C; I didn't answer, of course. Already it was rude to look at his phone! I'm kinda laughing at the really unattractive photo he has for her contact picture that displayed. But it weirded me out. Guess she was calling because she had gotten donuts or something and wanted to share. ....X_X; No miasmic donuts, thank you. ...another creepy layer to this... she's diabetic and morbidly obese- she binges on treats/alcohol and is essentially engaging in self-harm behaviors. That is a helluva like my own mother, but she is not diabetic...though maybe she is? I dunno.
Little by little getting back into replying/reading stuff on here. Feel like I'm always behind. Horp. Gonna reconnect with my spirituality tonight. Maybe do some insight divination. Had something really screwed up happen where I disassociated and saw something that wasn't there. Then within a few weeks that event and the exact article appeared word for word and everything. Deja vu. *insert cat drifting around corners* It was creepy, double-checking the article and making sure it was published this current day. Another thing... I've noticed my eyesight is even becoming more in focus.
I just hope that this overwhelming sense of dread and darkness aren't the only viable solution. I don't want to struggle forever in this disrespectful toil where I continue to sell my soul. Life is a struggle. But...I don't wanna drag on continually f***ed and at 1hp for every battle.
Just gonna put this out here. Remember to be careful who you confide in. Don't expect someone who is emotionally retarded to give you empathy or any shred of compassion. Guess this is more a note for my rather needy/codep self. I'm struggling a lot with how old I'm going to be when I graduate/work finally(has lead to some VERY dark places for me lately), meanwhile, someone like SO doesn't get it. "Age is only a number, and you're just choosing to let it affect you!"
Don't expect blood from a turnip, no matter how desperate you are.
Think I've finally learned my lesson after all these years of desperation. Sick of being exasperated at this kind of behavior. The peptalks instead of just listening or creepy closeness as opposed to an empathetic hug. There are other nuances to this. How my life was essentially robbed from me and now I'm finally on a quest to take it back. After all these years standing up to my fears that have chained me down, as my body and mind struggle against me and change itself. It's a helluva a lot harder when you strike out completely new when you're older. I'm literally building my life in nearly my mid-30s. Starting from the ground up. Not many people can understand that... especially a turnip.
@CaloenasNicobarica
I wanted to really reply here, cause well, somehow my heartbeat raised a bit while reading that, having weird feeling sometimes, hm, my emotions are a bit all over the place today, so don't know if that will be anywhere near a proper reply...
but what you wrote about the body shaming and the mirror exercise you're doing, hell, that's amazing.. and I don't know if you know that, if you you're doing that cause somebody told you or if you found that out on your own, but well, that's exactly one of the mirror exercises done on treatment for eating disorders... well, it's all about silencing the inner critic, this mean voice inside of our head... and it'S about way more than just the appearance, the figure, it's just about accepting ourselves, who we are, what we are, and well, appearance just is a part of it... but being confident about that, learning to accept that, just makes it easier to accept the rest too... so yeah, I'm doing the same, hm, well, trying to start with it again, well, at least trying to accept my face, seeing sth nice in it, well, at least I like my hair :) hm, guess I've always been bullied and harrassed cause of how I look like, well, never changed it though, cause I've always been like I wanted to be, like I felt I have to be, guess my life would have been or would be way easier if I'd just cut my hair, speak a bit differently, behave a bit differently, wear a bit different clothes, oh and perhaps just take some testosterone pills :D but well, what would it help if that's just not me? so yeah, always be yourself, cause you're great just the way you are *hugs*
there was sth else.... oh yeah, this graduating in your late 30s thing :D we're in the same boat here, well, I'm going to start studying in July, so I'll graduate in 4 years :D and I have no idea how I'll be able to compete with all the early 20s during my study, or afterwards... but well, I just know I have to do this, I have to try... and I for sure feel like I've wasted the last 30 years of my life, well, for sure I've wasted at least 15 of them, but well, now I'm here, now I'm able to try... I'm just trying to make the best of it... and I just admire your will of taking over your life again, to change it for the better... and well, I just admire programmers :D cause those endless lines and lines of code with all the weird signs in it just freak me out and amaze me at the same time :D *hugs* you're a good one Cal
@courteousNorth5140
Eh, hope you're evened out energetically, Northy! And you did indeed give a very interesting coherent reply. <3
I had no freakin' idea it was used for that! I got it from Mya Om's Energy Essentials. It's a bit of a fruity book on energy work, but reads like a self-help book. That's one of the first exercises they have you do. It's the second part, technically. Where you write down a list of negatives, then a list of positives. You burn the negative list, typically, and then do those positive affirmations everyday or when you can. ...I've slacked on it lately. X_X;
I def struggle with accepting myself in practically any way. X_X; Well, 'cept for like you said. Maybe the ONE thing I have pride in is my butt. lol Honestly, you do have really nice hair! I saw that pic with the koala in Storm's thread ages ago. It's hard for me to believe people can be assholes and do what they've did to you. It puts me on the verge of tears, because I think you're awesome. No one deserves that. And here I am...having pretty damn high difficulty trying to think that for myself.
Hmn. It's so weird, because some days I might even find something actually nice in the reflection. Other days it's like WTF did I gain 20lbs in my sleep or something? Or just looking really old. I wonder if I've got some dysphoria stuff going on? Feel like accepting my appearance is difficult on it's own, but so much other shame for other things, too. I don't wanna be like my family who would go Micheal Jackson on their appearance and everything. But I just...I dunno...I wanna be the woman I always thought I'd be cool as on a personal level. This cool badass who could get things done and was reliable, respected. But I never really connected this to anything much... you brought a revelation. Woo! <3 But I guess the thing to remember does it bring you closer to your authentic self when one pursues these avenues of "self-improvement".
Blarf. I wish you good luck in your studies. I know you understand this. And I get where you're coming from. The inner push to do this. It can be really hard sometimes. With the disassociation/insert other crap here. Likewise, I admire you for getting out there and giving it what you got! <3 Who knows, maybe one day you'll be pair programming with your man for fun. <3 Would love some tips from ya'll!
*blushes* BLORF. *hides* Thanks North. I uh... I'm glad I met you and know you. You brought a lot of points to think about. For some reason, speaking with you inspired me creatively. Thought about starting my writing of a murder mystery I was working on. Also, I think I might start analyzing art here from a psychological point of view.
@CaloenasNicobarica
:)) ok, I just have to start like that, do you know how I felt as I read your reply on my reply? 'I said sth right??' :D yepp, that's me... oh and evening out my emotions is practically impossible :D I'm a mess... I go from tears to laughter within a few minutes, a few times a day :D
so yeah, the mirror exercises, I like the idea of burning the list of negatives, burning something is always a strong picture somehow, that's a great idea... so we actually really use some similar exercises at the clinic, well, most of our patients have been bullied, not only cause of the weight, either if it's too low or too high, so yeah, they have a lot of negatives on their mind, things they've been told... we want them to say it out loud with closed eyes in front of a mirror and then open the eyes and say one positive thing they've either been told or think about themselves... doesn't even have to be about the body or appearance at all, can be sth like 'I'm pretty funny', cause actually it really doesn't matter what you like about yourself, as long there is anything you like, that's like an anchor, if it's your butt for you, awesome :D nothing wrong about being proud of a great butt :D guess for me it's my hair, sth I always come back to whenever everything else is just shitty, at least my hair is quite nice :) well, dysphoria, I guess we all suffer from this at times, as a symptom of all our other shit going on on our minds :P first I read dysmorphia, well, that also would make some sense imo, well, I for sure have that :D
ok, I'm writing way too much here :D I'm sorry if I'm freaking you out here :P oh but I wanted to say one more things, ok, perhaps two :P well, you said you'd like to be this cool badass woman and yeah, you for sure are struggling a lot, but you are this cool badass woman, with every word you write here, there's lots of badass in it :) so this, how you want to be, how you'd like to see yourself, it is in you, perhaps still a bit covered and caught in a shitty situation, but it's already there, just waiting for her moment to break through... well, that's at least what I think :)
the studying :D oh I hope you didn't get me wrong, there's no way I'd be able to study programming :D I'm so glad to be able to start my laptop on my own :D naaah, I'm going to study psychology... so I totally admire you and my man for being able to do sth I am absolutely unable to ever understand :) oh and I love your idea of analyzing art from a psychological point of view, awesome thing, I love to analyze just everything :D from a psychological point of view :P and you're writing fiction? I didn't know that :) when you finish it, will we get a chance to read it? yes yes yes :) we have to :)
ok, been typing too much, too fast :D heart rate raising :P hope you had a good weekend... sending you much love
@CaloenasNicobarica i get it. But u can do it. Mid 30
@PerfectStorm426
BLOOORF! STORM!!! *hugs(if okay)* Sensei.... ;-; Thank you for coming here.
Nah, you have a good point.
I just get super insecure about this kinda sh*t. I have a metric shit-ton of insecurity right now and I'm at a weak point. Feels like my whole life I've had these expectations put upon me while also being forced down, unable to do anything. Now I have some degree of power. And my psych warned me about this...how there's a backlash when there's progress. Everyone does it in some shape or form, but it still freakin' hurts. ...I also feel like a user after all these years. Being out of the workforce has really f***ed me over. Made it that much harder for me to get back in....not to mention the lack of money/confidence/experience from working. That's what really scares me. That I'm gonna be completely inept and unable to do anything, then be homeless or something. X_X;
Then again...a lot of folks change jobs/careers or whatever in their 30s. Guess it's just me being roped in by that trauma and projecting stuff. I'll try to think of things more positively. Thanks, Ninja Storm-sensei Daddy O. *bows*
@CaloenasNicobarica sounds like its time to have self expectancy, and not worry about everyone elses expectancies and definitely not the outside put downs. But, i am sure that u guys will talk more about it in better ways soon. Just wanted to chime in there and speak what popped into my head. Cause well, like i said, that responce was as much for me as it was for you. Take care.
I have tried to write on here 3~4 times today. Each thing either deleted due to my distaste or put aside in my offline journal. Have not felt very comfortable posting. Mostly due to my current state. Not sure if I'm trying to wake up or go back to sleep. Has been like this for a day or two. I took some meds for cold stuff with sleepytime stuff in it. Been groggy and weird for the entire day or more. Couldn't even bother to eat anything the entire day.
Instead, I've been Snow White with my two cats surrounding me as I lay there unawakening. Have been struggling with some thoughts while in this state. Angry about a lot of things. Feeling like I should bare my teeth. Frustrated with how anything brought up by me is put off or explained away by creeper. The distance, the betrayal, the abuse, and so many things. The weirdness of knowing you were TRULY dealing with mentally ill people who tried to claim sanity. Priceless. Disorienting.
That the people that harassed or did sh*t were the ones with the problem, not me. C_C; Like WTFF. It really is true.
So many things... oh yeah, and I gotta do that financial aid thing this week. Good thing I caught it in time. Funny how they don't inform you of any changes. X___X; Finding a lot in this world incredibly inept. Gotta work on me, and not compare. Like Storm-sensei and folks said. Mrowr.
Full moon tomorrow. Blarf. Wanna shake this weird comatose-esqe state. Guess I am still sick. Also slightly angry with psych, will address that next session. Mn, the nightmares have stopped since that last one a little after that one day. That's good. Want more than this. From myself, life, and my future offline relationships. Okay. losing coherency. Gonna go snore with my cats.
It's international forgiveness day or something?
Another day I want to shove my boot up its ass. *facepalm* B*tchy_Pigeon Mode Engaged.
Finally waking up a bit. Not much I want to eat around the house, and we've gotten take out quite a bit lately. Forcing myself to eat some Cup Noodles type dealy. Blarf. I want some lasagna or chicken nuggets from McDonalds. OMG I'm such a bratty kid right now. XD
Had a bad feeling about using that medicine. But then again maybe it was my sickness keeping me in bed? I dunno. Feel decent enough to do some laundry and reply on here. Might play a game or so. Noticed I feel really disjointed when I don't have my little checkmark list. Like I haven't accomplished anything since I can't keep track of stuff.
My goal today is to wear decent clothes and not be a slob. XD If I get more than that done, yay!
