Symbol of Rebellion
Welcome to my new diary thread. This diary is more geared towards the theme of love as a form of rebellion. My previous diary was more of a hodgepodge of reflection and daily occurrences. While this one will probably have that and the all-important rants (╯ □ ）╯︵ ┻━┻, I'm making a point to pursue more positivity and love in my life...and to share some of what I have learned. I can't help but reflect upon things. So look forward to a long monologue about some inward thing here or there. XD (^._.^)ﾉ | •́ ◇ •̀ | (^._.^)ﾉ
Well.. somehow I don't think my sarcastic humor against myself in the above post was really gotten.
It is very hard to describe my mood lately. How to even quantify it? I guess the best way would be to simply state that after all these years I'm feeling REAL anger/resentment/hatred for what happened to me and what is currently happening to me. Either way, my mood is very dark and the subjects I've been pondering aren't really fit for discussion here. All this stuff flooding towards me as I realize and process all these things. It's a very uncertain time. Because that anger eventually turns towards myself.
This unfiltered rage I somehow have to temper so I make it through my days as of late. I've given some thought to leaving 7cups again due to this state. I figure no one would want to read/be around someone like this right now. And it's totally cool. Remembering your tolerance levels is pretty important stuff.
...especially when I feel like those images you see in movies where some ghost or infuriating power is swirling around someone and overcoming a person. I try to laugh at things but it's really hard right now. I had to send a progress report to my old mentor only for it to be the same criticising bullsh*t couched in pleasantries. Hmn. He's like Umbridge or something. "Oh hey, good to hear from you. Yeah, it's good that you at least made academic progress. BUT Y'KNOW WHAT? You reaaaaaaaaaaaally should be better about being on-time. Kthnxbai." ...funny, even when mentioning due to health concerns he pulls that. lol Got this image of him telling these poor cancer patients that they reaaaaaaaally should at least TRY to get out of bed and do something.
Eh...I apologize for being kinda spaced and not replying/being stuck in my head this week or so. Feel like I've been a pretty sh*tty friend lately since everyone has a lot to say and a lot of sh*t going on.
Wishing you all the best in your situations.
@CaloenasNicobarica
Hey Cal... I really want to answer on this, although, hm, like always, have no plan what to say...
so I'll just start typing and hope you can find anything what makes sense somewhere between the lines... Sarcasm, yeah, I realized that's f*** hard to use in a typed form... well, I somehow think you perhaps use sarcasm like me, the more sarcasm, the worse you actually feel, it's a form of self-protection, it's this better laugh than cry thing, I'm doing that too, all the time, it helps me a lot, sometimes but sometimes it doesn't... and I guess I'm even worse about this irl, I'm always perfectly fine, until I break completely... so yeah, understanding sarcasm right is difficult in a typed form...
I somehow understand that you don't feel like sharing much when you're in a really bad state... having the same problem most of the time, but it got better lately, guess it's just training... guess we just have to learn that the ceiling doesn't crash on us when we post our real feelings... and I don't think you have to feel like a shitty friend for not commenting on all of our diaries all of the time, that's why we are so many, anybody is always around to say sth.... but I understand you, I feel like that too, quite often... and well, I guess we all will always have a lot of shit going on... I can only say how I feel about it and I'd like to know how you're feeling, even if I perhaps don't always have the perfect answer, but I'd like to know how you are... you sometimes seem, and that's also just my own personal impression, like you're completely in control of everything, probably that's also a part of this sarcasm problem, it sounds funnier as it is... so I guess, well, I'm sorry that I obviously often don't take enough time to read your posts twice or read a bit between the lines... well, I really care for you, I think you're a very special one... and I really hope this doesn't sound like judging you, it's more like, well I'm judging myself for not paying better attention...
I'm sorry if that was a silly answer, guess I'm a bit spaced too... Love ya Cal 
*hugs*
@courteousNorth5140
Meow. *squishes cow*
Yeah....you got me there. Even in the most dire times I tend to use it to somehow staunch the "bleeding" if it were.
Uh...about the sharing thing. What I have to mention is more or less in conflict with 7c policies. I know if I bring up stuff like y'know... self-harm or say complete termination of one's life... it's not cool. I've mentioned stuff before, but it's not like I attempted anything- more like... I dunno. Don't feel comfortable sharing here right now, because of that.
And...I do try very hard to keep it together but my control is pretty much only myself and a small piece of my environment right now. Everything else is completely blasted away and chaotic. Sometimes I like to study stuff about this, and Wize is pretty good for bouncing the more study type Ravenclaw stuff. But I feel so off kilter and like I'm gonna scare everyone off with my anger/rage cloud that I want to keep away. Wish my psych appointment wasn't so far off, and I loathe calling him so much.
Mrowr. Don't worry, North. You don't have to save or blame yourself for that kinda stuff. You may have the lovely Prince Valiant hair but you don't have to be everyone's knight in shining armor. I like you for you. Tryin' to find words in between Hulk Smash and going Moriarty.
@courteousNorth5140
*huggle* Much love to you, Northy.
lol I kinda spaced and forgot to put that at the end.
@CaloenasNicobarica
well, I think if it's about any serious topic just put a trigger warning on and that's it.... just like that ++TRIGGER WARNING++ just took my sleeping pills and thought if I should take one or the whole package... ++over++
Cal, you're not the only one dealing with that kind of shit, I'm definitely not actively trying anything either, but well, I know what you mean, the thoughts are there I guess... Tryin to shake them off though, tryin to remind me for what I'm here and if it's only to listen to that song right now, casue that's really cool... and I didn't get my squishmallows, so no giving up before not at least squishing a squishmallow... Giving up is not an option, that's sth I'm telling myself daily and at least once a day one silly part of my brain answers 'the f*** it isn't an option'
and yes, I tend to be this, I don't know, you or Wize probably have better words for it, this saviour personality, I know I can't save the world, won't give up tryin though ;)
I just want you to know that I'm here, listening to you, no matter what you have to say... trigger warnings and those *** are a nice inventions and I'm just listening to Green Day and honestly there aren't any f*** on youtube :D so, if youtube can do it, we can do it too :D and well, I'm trying to see my diary as my own personal thing, if I can't be myself there, where else should I be? I often can't let out my emotions irl, I can't talk irl, I often can't cry, but there I can, I have to be allowed to, or I'm going to implode... at least that's what I'm trying....
Much love to you too Cal *huggles back*
@courteousNorth5140
Hey, North. Hope you're feeling better. Read of your troubles and such... feelings are a tricky thing and it doesn't help when the automatic response is something like "I'm fine." Like we're silencing ourselves or something. *hands you the cow squishmallow*
RE: Triggeryboo stuff. I typically do that, but I'm all afraid of getting censored or my post deleted- something like that. I'm not gonna all homicidal or anything like that. But I fear the topics are...well maybe your illustration of the usage of the trigger warning is damn near, actually! So...maybe I should post them. But like...I feel like maybe I'm bein' an attention w**** or something. X_X; So weird, because I never think that way of you guys here.
Living for squishmallows. And man, I can so relate to the freakin' thing of my brain going LOLsuicide! Blarf.
Meow. I don't really know what else to say. Guess I should just unleash like I usually do on here. Things are becoming unbearable because of all the added up stuff and then not being able to vocalize on here or IRL. Will post soon about stuff. *hides behind penguin plush*
@CaloenasNicobarica i get the anger and rage and darkness. I dont really speak of it because i have attempted to change that part of me. Thats how i used to cope in a anxiety attack. If inwas in a full panic attack- look out world. This was before i came to cups. I changed it because i had too much to loose. I changed it because i understood where it was coming from. I can still get explosive if i ever need to and use it. But i can control it and feed off it and utilize it better now. But, the thoughts of it or reading about it doesnt bother me at all. Ur allowed to feel what u feel. And if ya dont like it, well lean on us. Im no stranger to the darkness. I dont talk about it much, because i no longer have to. But if i did, i would. Here for ya cal.
@PerfectStorm426
Y'know Storm, I think you're onto something. I never really thought about my anger being related to anxiety or a panic attack thing. Well, never before anyway! Maybe my freeze is shifting to fight? In therapy I work on channeling anger/rage type stuff for productive means! Like what you're saying. Feel like I'm all haywire and bzzzt POP! *bursts into flames* Thanks so much, Storm-sensei! I will remember that. <3
BTW, I know it's different for everyone but how did you eventually be able to control your rage and utilize it? You don't have to answer if it's too personal or whatever. But you have me rather curious, def skills I need to work on.
@CaloenasNicobarica well, i will answer. Specifically for me with a generalization over how it may apply to you. Before i knew what a panic/anxiety attack really was (not even knowing that my explosiveness was in fact just that) when something flipped me out, id get all the panic attack symptoms. Dizzy, high heart rate, uncontrol breathing, shakes... i attributed it to adrenaline boost. I just thought that since i quit racing, that my body did this when it felt like it was go time. I became a real d*ck to be around. I would well, just hate everything. And myself too. And if someone crossed my path or seemed to be causeing the rage, i would explode with energy- usually anger. Throwin stuff, hollering at people, etc. well i think u read about my lash out to my girl recently in my space. Either way, i ended up flippin out on her. Word wise. After it ended, i bawled. Wtf is wrong with me? How could i do that to her. I crossed paths with an old friend who witnessed me in an attack. As i was explaining my sit. She said you having a panic attack right now arent you? I said, no im just getting worked up. She explained the fight and flight. Well. After more talk( why bore with all the details) i learned that the rage was me fighting anything that caused my fears or hurt. Attack mode. So i told myself, that i had to control this. Because of the explosion at my girl. She didnt deserve any of it...
She didnt deserve any of it. Now, in your situation, a goal or a lifestyle, simething huge needs to be your grounding element. Something paramount to your eternal happiness. For me, well it was my girl. Still is. For u, well u know what that is for you. Anyhow, i started tryin to talk thru stuff if something happened that triggered me instead of keeping it inside and giving the rage something to build on. That helped, but ended up being just the first step. I still sometimes made it to rage mode. Then inwas put to the real test. My dad had open heart surgery. Was livin wit me while he recovered. That took away my sanctuary. Inwas in a constantnstate of panic, just because i couldnt escape. So things got outta hand one day and my sis said something smart assed as she was over to make him dinner. I flipped. Bad. We had words. Lots of words. She kept pushing me and being mouthy until i grabbed her and pushed her away. Then she came at me like she was gonna punch me in the face. I grabbed her arm and threw her into a door and restrained her. She tried kicking me. I pulled up to smack her, then heard my dad bawlin. Asking to stop. I gave her a good push down the hall way. Yelled loudly and walked out thru the kitchen. I yelled-screamed as loud as i could and turned to the side and put my fist straight thru the wall of my house...
I then went and hid in a corner of my bedroom. Trying to calm down. As i layed there, i realized that I WAS everything that my girl was afraid of. I looked at that hole and my rage turned to complete sorrow, and hatred for who i was. I realized that if i ever wanted my goal, i had to change. The hole is still there as a reminder. A reminder that it is time to get myself under control. So, i get mad and angry. But i understand if its panic related or actually valid anger. When i get/got my fight mode, i think thru it. I use the adrenaline to logically get past and make sense of a situation. Now that doesnt stop the panic attack, but it redirects it from fighting what caused it barbarically, to fighting it strategically. I dunno if any of this helps you at all. Maybe u can pull somethings outta it for your situation. But it all took that important goal. The thing i wanted most in and from my existence. And the focus needed to change me, so that i may someday not be so volatile. Hope this helps in someway and sorry if it does not. It worked for me.
O and how i use the anger now in constructive ways... well example, i hate my job. I was treated with nepotism by former supervisors who put their buddies in a safe position (my position) and sold me with all the less experienced guys as one of the less experienced guys. This new company was just business guys. They didnt care what they did to us. To our projects. All they wanted was big numbers to resell. So big numbers they got. And sell again they did. Now, we gotta bunch of guys runnin a gas company that know nothing about gas. They are dumb. Tell me to do things that make no sense. So, ya i could go into a closed door meeting and blow up. Or i can get pissed off, hate them, and say, hmmm this is unhealthy for me here. So ima gonna get da hell outta here and where i belong. And my anger fuels my job search. Cause these idiots disgust me. Hmmm that could sound familiar to you? In a normal situation where my anxiety gets high. Take my retaining wall project at home. Things arent going right. Instead of getting mad and throwin shit or hating myself for whatever reason and quitting. I say ok, this is just a situation, its not me its this damned wall project and i want this done and outta the way! And then i get mad at the project and push thru it fueled by anger. But im mad at the situation. And the idiot who built the wall. He lucky i dinno who he was. Lol. Butbthere are a couple examples of changing the direction of the anger.
Tryin' to pull myself together right now. Feel like I have so much to do and no breathing room to complete it in. Offline the only thing I get is either peptalks/distance/manipulation. Life is not very rosey for me right now. I was really set off by my stupid advisor's passive-aggressive BS earlier. Threw me into a slight disassociative panic loop type thing. Frustrated, scared, isolated.
Sitting here with squishcow with the lights dimmed, only my salt lamp on. So many things on my mind. How messed up my relationship is with SO. The sh*t I need to work to get through university. The sh*t I need to work on to get free mentally/physically/spiritually. The latter two are connected and practically the same things. *sighs* SO keeps tryin' to tell me to relax and not work on anything, then he'll tell me later on that I can't be dawdling. It's just a f***ing setup. Same setup that got me in this f***ing mess. I refuse to listen to him or say that I'm going to do things differently- obvious he feels affronted. One of the ways I am able to really feel my own power is by getting that stuff done. I've been avoiding it forever since I was scared and overwhelmed. Besides. This guy's a master manipulator- and he knows how to use my disassociation against me. I've got to be careful. And guess what, doing my work brings me into the present. So...yeah. Master plan unraveled! lol
I win.
***TRIGGER WARNING***
About stuff I mentioned earlier, 'specially to North. Gonna say it right now. I've been fantasizing about getting assisted suicide. Have heard in certain places they will do it for mental illness. One country in Europe, in particular. Had this vision of my one last day over there, maybe meeting a pleasant lover and having my "one good day" before I died. Just so you all know, I brought this up directly to my psych, he is aware of these things. He has said before that I'm changing positively, but there would be backlash due to how we are as humans. I wonder if I am SEVERELY changing in a positive way? If this darkness that accompanies me right now is counter to that to somehow balance out this little world? It feels different. ...maybe it's both? The true experience of anger/rage for what has happened or what is happening? Or perhaps the changing tides?
I feel forfeit. It's so strange.
Another aspect, I haven't been very active in my spiritual practices. But somehow, I feel like my inner work and the secular things are things that deepen my connection to it.
Well...I've written enough for now. It's gonna get even more incoherent if I continue.
@CaloenasNicobarica
*safe hugs* I don't really have any good words to say right now, just that I'm here for you, I'm sitting here listening, sending you lots of love and hugs.. love ya Cal, I'm sorry things are so rough, I still think you are an amazingly strong person 💖
@CaloenasNicobarica i honestly think this, its my opinion and based on only what u wrote and am not a part of ur everyday life. So, i think, that ur anger is stemming from u getting stronger. From you growing. U are seeing your situation with clearer eyes and u wanna get out of it. Yet, i feel stuck. So u get mad. I feel there is an overwhelming amount of things u gotta do make it thru all this stuff. And u get mad. Life and situations u encounter daily make u angry. So all this anger is being bottled up with no way out. It builds. U feel that u cannot totally flip out on the ideas, as well as what triggers u physically, so u start to get mad and place blame on yourself. Pretty soon. U start hating yourself for reasons that dont exist. The rage builds farther, causing confusion as u see more and more red each day. I think u are in an anger loop like i was cal. As i said above, for me, i looked in my heart at the single most important thing i wanted from my life. And used that as a focus when the rage and suicidal thoughts took over. Allot of your feelings are valid. But it sounds like allot are created as a subconcious way of self punishment for things that really arent ur fault. Maybe im on task here. Maybe im relating it too much to me. So if this is all BS, well i apologize.
@PerfectStorm426
I think that's no BS at all, actually exactly my thoughts...
@CaloenasNicobarica
I'm just really glad right now that you got those thoughts written down... we're all here for you Cal *hugs*
I don't want to confuse you with any more of my thoughts, just want to say what Storm wrote above and below this post sounds really valid for me, was my first thought, that you're somehow at a changing point in your life, that you might feel angry cause you want to change and can't cause of external circumstances or sth like that... but like Storm said, anger can be used in more ways, a positive productive way and a negative damaging way...
well, this self-help group here, with a bunch of crazy people, inside of a self-help community, inside of a self-help site 
well, it's not a perfect substitude for irl relationships or support groups, but right now it's good enough, for me it is on some days it's all I got, so well, making the best of it 
we're here Cal, holding your hand, listening, commenting, discussing and hopefully finding a way in the end *huggles*
btw I didn't know about that country in Europe....
@courteousNorth5140 ... you dont even think about that country in europe. Hate for storm to have to come assassinate everyone you meet in ur travels lol. Be like hi, im North and i... *pop* hey where u go? North stumbles along meets someone new hi, im lookin... *pop* ....
sorry cal, just bein goofy. Thats good for subsiding anxiety too.
@PerfectStorm426
LOL so you gonna come safe us all from ourselves? *opening google*European country....* 
see ya later Storm..... and yeah, that was just a joke, don't you worry... although, I just think that's really interesting...
well, you're absolutely right here, sometimes laughing about shit like that is the best way to get it out of your mind...
@CaloenasNicobarica
Something this makes me think of, I read while I couldn't sleep last night. It's from a book called "Women Who Run With The Wolves". It's about the feminine side of being human, and she mentions Jung, and how we continually go into the dark depths of the psyche in order to rebirth. There is some passage about how our life journey is to bring the darkest places to light, so that they no longer have power over us.
Hugs. xo
Been reflecting on everything I've read last night and today.
Felt very hypersensitive in my body. This near panic, angry nervousness wrapped around me. Finally, I feel somewhat able to write some semblance of words on here. Disjointed AF, but oh well.
My packages arrived today, but I kept on pacing about the house and freaked that the f***ing neighbors were just STARING at the house waiting for me to come out or something. X____X; I know, paranoid AF. I eventually got up the gall to open the door and reach out to get my package. The book about projection came today. Along with my girly AF eyeliner(which I can't put on properly XD), a dress, a ring with the backside of the medal of St. Benedict, and the Hermetic Tarot. OMG. I was trippin' afterward but I earned my Lifey point for today. ...later as I was listening to some classical music and reading Projection and Re-collection I heard the neighbors practically shouting at each other in the street talking about something...and no sh*t it almost sounded like they were talking about me. X________X; I stopped listening(strangely enough it sounded like the druggyhouse neighbor), put on my headphones and told myself this:
"Well, f*** 'em. They can just wilt in their tiny little world. I've got sh*t to do, unlike them." ...mn. Yes, with a villainous pose and everything. Maybe they were, and maybe they weren't gossiping. But still, the fact remains I can't give people so much power over me. So here I am. LOLOLOL. Ahhhhgh, such rage. But seriously. No one offline gets me around here. Cannot tell you how many times I've been told that I just am not the typical person for these parts. That I'd do well in other places. It's so weird to hear. XD But...I'm happy. That it's just this smarmy hick town that has a f***ing problem. I found friends here and you guys seem to be cool with my company, and I absolutely love the variety and genuine nature of the people I've met on here, in this group especially. So thank you. <3 And especially thank you for everything lately.
Hm. I'm learning to take back my personal power. Learning to use my f*** it adjustment and just go out there and do things. But I still struggle with it. Hell, I'm even singing today. My tongue was cut due to my depression/insecurity. Horp. Still processing stuff and it'll probably be a day or so before I reply to the heavier stuff I spoke with ya'll about. ...And ermahgerd, this book. I thought me and Wize can get esoteric/difficult at some points. XD This is kinda advanced. I understand what I'm reading, but...I have this thing where I read something I already know and get this huge brain block and can't understand it. X____X; Happened in Japanese a lot. It's still really fascinating. Relating demons and projection.
Well, until tomorrow, everyone. I've still got some processing to do before I can decently reply to anything. Beep boop. Like an old dot matrix printer at an auto parts store. Just thought I'd give ya'll a heads up on what's going on.
@CaloenasNicobarica you fo not have to reply to this. But just wanted to say that as i read your post, i did think to myself this girl doesnt belong or fit into this environment and would be so much more at ease if she found (sorry for the harshness) real civilization. Then u went and called me out on my quote that flew thru my head. Lol. Pretty awesome right there. I had a wtf moment. Ha. This stuff sounds pretty great that ur reading, cal. Its right up your alley. Another thought i had and i hope i do not add more to your plate, i usually am king of adapt to your surroundings. But... well... i think you are above that right now, i truely think that you could benefit by making your surroundings adapt to you. Pretty deep. But i think u are pretty damned awesome and smart. Ur right- f them drug junkies. They will never matter to the likes of you. Cause u are awesome. They are wastes of air that are so full of themselves. U beat them just by opening your eyes in the morning. True dat!
@PerfectStorm426
LOL It ain't harsh, man. It's the truth. As much as I love being in the country, I dislike the insular small town kinda BS. Cities can be overwhelming for me, but being nearer to stuff would be cool. Hell, I have to drive about an hour if I wanna do anything or eat somewhere that isn't takeout. Find that balance. XD
Dude, this stuff is getting even over my head right now. Kinda feeling humbled from it. lol But there is so much to learn. And it's really creepy when you read stuff and it's exactly what you're dealing with or something to a T! I'm honored if I'm all adapty. XD Hope to keep it up. But I dunno, think the ranking shifts a lot here. So maybe today it's you, sensei. I used to hide from my surroundings, but that made things worse. So weird learning to actually HAVE a presence and be the one steppin' up. And thanks for the compliments, it really makes my day! I truly felt I was just being a b*tch about the whole thing, but...I think this is what you and my psych were talkin' about. Channeling that anger positively. Gonna reflect on your other posts above a bit more, too.
Thanks again, Storm! *hugs* Coming back here and seeing you means a lot. <3
@CaloenasNicobarica hey, dont thank me. I just state the obvious that u already know. I pretty much know that anything i say here you already know, ur way ahead of the game. U are awesome. And u will figure this out. And someday, u will win. I wrote more but deleted it cause, well i dont trust me right now. So, just stay focused. You can and you will do everything you ever dreamed of. I promise.
SQUISHMALLOWS!!!!!! sooooo fluffy and squishy and cuddly and cuuuute
yeah, just wanted to let you know
@courteousNorth5140
Wow! You got the really big squishboo! Mine's the size of the little bunny. I now haz squishmallow envy. >XD
I'm glad you're enjoying the squishness. <3 The bunnies are so cute!
@CaloenasNicobarica
of course I got the big one it's sitting in my lap while I'm typing here and I can rest my chin on it so you definitely have to get one of the big ones too... oh and we found out yesterday that it's extremely funny to throw them at each other, they bounce back so with that tip of yours you really lighted up my sofa cuddly time *huggles*
Frustrated and sick.
Dealing with mindf***ery like you wouldn't believe. Got accused of acting 'strange' the entire day when they have been a weird kind of distant and like...they were high + disassociating. Wooo projection.
Nope. Projection and more projection, bad things and anything that isn't good is not them. So I guess being so sick I can barely stand and asking for y'know...some kind of human acknowledgement is 'weird' or 'strange'. There is no communicating with this person without mindf***ery now. I already know their game, guess it's even more wearing me down to 'ensure' I stay put in Crazyville.
@CaloenasNicobarica
first, sending you some squishy hugs, from one squishy to another :) and then, well, I think with being ill, this situation is just even harder to endure as if you'd be at your normal fit, just physically, that takes it's toll... and I just guess, well you somehow sussed them and their schemes, you know how they are trying to manipulate you, trying to put the blame on yourself, like you're acting 'weird'... and understanding those mindf***ery, like you put it :), and still having to stay in it, that's just f***ing hard and nearly impossible to handle in a rational way. It's a bit like this 'knowing too much' about therapies and such, you know, if you sit there with your therapist and you know exactly, if I answer the question this way, I know what his next question will be and where all of this will end... sometimes knowing too much is a curse... But, the advantage in you case is, you know it, you won't be manipulated into taking the blame, cause it isn't you who is weird, it's them... so rationally I'd tell you f*** them, don't care about them, just don't give a sh**... but I know, that's easier said...
I just want you to know that we're here for you, that we know you are doing your best and that you aren't strange or weird at all... and if there's anything I can do to somehow support you better, just please let me know, ok? right now, I just want you to now that you're not alone... Sending you lots of strength, hope and some healing energies *hugs*
This kinda popped into my head just now. Was thinking about what a lot of you and especially Storm-sensei has said. That he strives to make the surroundings essentially move over for him- eh, paraphrasing. Blorfle. But I've been feeling that more and more. This f*** it adjustment, that I CAN and deserve to fulfill the purpose I set out to do. Whether it be simple or whatever.
...I just remember people literally hiding from me and waiting for me to exit a store so they could come out of hiding. Not making this up. Like WTFF. Maybe I was awkward and had a tendency to be impish and loud if I'm having fun. But still, like seriously? Grown ass people- older people NO LESS! Hiding. I mean I can't even. It's not wonder I felt like a freak and after years of being told I was. All the rejection, the bullying, the craziness, and now y'know what? Like I f***ing deserve to go shopping or shop where I want! So f*** them. This place is mine beneath my feet.
p.s. Feeling better today. Will be around on here.
@CaloenasNicobarica
LOL damn it YES!! f*** them all!! that's an awesomely great attitude.... and I'm so glad you're feeling better :)
I want to apologize for not being very responsive. For talking AT you instead of to you. It feels very rude and inconsiderate of me... but I think I've been told by some of you folks here that I need to STFU with the apologies and the apology circle thing I do. X_X; So uh..yeah.
Planned on responding earlier to stuff but my stomach had other ideas. ...think I was weak from my previous colds and my horrible diet lately triggered a stomach flu(likely a self-harm/emotional eating induced thing). On top of that, it's been another day of mindf***ery. Asked for a pre-order of a limited edition game- something I rarely do. Maybe once a year at best. It was a little pricey, but I got outright refused. "Nope. THAT doesn't sound like a good idea. Sounds bad." and then gaslighting and having them parade around showing me previous limited edition games we had. TELLING me to be happy with what we had and *insert gaslighting here, and beginning to gaslight myself* It left this feeling of a dagger's tip balancing on my inner core. I can understand for financial reasons to not do something, but I feel like, yet again this was purely control
When I mentioned how I disliked how he phrased that and I wasn't satisfied, it turned into "WELL -I- have to make sacrifices, too! *victim mode*" then he goes off and buys whatever random crap he needs for the cars, which can be damn expensive. Even though I have a lot more than I used to since I've pushed more on the finances thing, I often feel like he pulls back quickly on my choke chain. Similar to what someone does to train a dog. Funny...his creepy brother laughed and called women dogs, said he could train them like that. Was one of the bullsh*t things he did to bully me was try to get me to respond to him in certain ways where it sounded stupid. ...yeah, NOTHING WRONG with that. e_e; Crazy SOBs the lot of them.
...uh...had a cry. Sobbed because of a related incident. A "choke chain incident". Happened with a kitten that was left in the middle of winter. Was dropped off here. SO was on a business trip. Flat out told me we couldn't keep it and even had the gall to tell me he bragged to his co-workers about how he refused me. "Showed he wasn't p****-whipped." ..uh huh. Just a different chick- cite Mommy for that entry. But he did come back and sent the kitten off to the shelter, I was so heartbroken and couldn't stop crying. The kitten was used to people and literally ran into the house when I opened the door for it. Abandoning it again... I can't...
Can't even finish the story without crying and this was years ago. He continued to blame me for the fleas and stuff because of the kitten, yet he refused to take any serious measures to combat it. So yeah, just more b*tching from him. I feel this horrible weight because the kitten trusted me. The mock comforting from that sick creep infuriates me. Literally, traumatized me. When I was sitting in bed this came back to me. But every time I think of it it hurts so freaking much. The same control tactics and manipulation. The same mindf***ery. Disgusting.
I got pissed and said I didn't want to do anything for the 4th, which they wanted in the first place. Because I just don't wanna drag around some whiny, sullen bratty d-bag because the "beach is BORING and has nothing to do." ...meanwhile, lays on couch 7~8+ hours a day watching TV/playing games. Remember, the beach doesn't have a screen- and connecting is LAAAAAAAME. So I just said f*** it, and f*** him. I plan on doing something better next year- something not involving a deadweight who claws people down into the murky depths. I'm sick anyway, so I want to recuperate.
Just need to get this last thing out of my system. Quality time is NOT spending time sitting in front of the screen with no connection emotional connection. SO keeps pushing this narrative that him staring at YouTube and me playing a game right there is quality time. No listening, no talking, just pure disconnection. On the outside people probably think we sleep in the same room, but we don't. His sleeping BS which consists of PTSD-like night-terrors, sleep apnea, and snoring are something he hasn't addressed for years. He denies everything. Won't even mention it to the doctor and even tried to rationalize it with random data from test results- saying he didn't have any of the above. *facepalm* I was developing major sleep deprivation and couldn't sleep next to him, but he was a brat about it. So then I moved into another room where I sleep on an old futon with some blankets. And it's been that way for a few years. So yeah. That's his "normalcy". Now I am in here because I can't sleep next to him out of disgust and body memories from when he forced me to sleep next to him and was physically abusive. ...writing this out....made me realize how f***ed up this is. How f***ed this person is I'm dealing with. And how f***ed I was for believing this was "normal" and I was being crazy.
I look forward to one day having a nice fluffy bed with my stuffed animals on it. Where I can lay my head down with my cats, rest my weary body. Apologies if I've went on and again for not addressing posts for a few days. This stuff I'm trying to get out into the open to process it. Putting the truth out there. A powerful thing. And forcing myself to look at how often this destructive behavior occurs in my life. Not to mention document it for psych stuff.
Hope my damn yankee comrades on here have a good 4th. And a good day to all of you non-yanks. <3
@CaloenasNicobarica
Blarg, trying to not apologize but... I realized I should've put a trigger warning in that next to last section. Just now, after all these years realized it was physical abuse.
@CaloenasNicobarica
I like the idea of you doing something without a deadweight clawing you down
And I love that you value quality time and connection. I do, too.
I hope you can find a more comfortable place to sleep soon
Good for you putting things in the open to address it. I'm about to start working on that myself with some of my issues, and it's a daunting task but for both/all of us, I think it will be good and healing. Solidarity.
@singercrystalspirit
Thanks, Singer.
Much solidarity to you as well. <3
BTW, thanks for that book recommendation. It looks like the freakin' perfect thing to read! I know you and Wize, and maybe North? Mentioned shadow work. Ohhh, yeah. That's totally a thing right now. I got this book called Projection and Re-collection in Jungian Psychology which deals with a lot of the "hidden" stuff. von Franz might prove an interesting read to you since it reminds me a lot of that book you mentioned. It's kinda funny, because even the tarot I picked up recently is aimed at shadow work. Think the universe is tryin' to tell me something. XD
Wishing you the best with your own shadow work. Will def stay tuned for some of your own insights into it!
@CaloenasNicobarica
in reference to von Franz, I derped and typed it when I meant she. Blarf. Was referring to my current book of hers, but she has a LOT of other very interesting titles concerning Jungian psychology. She worked directly with him, I believe.
OMG Attempting to wear eye liner. .....Rofl terrible. Made crazy Halloween chick eyes. Think I tried this when I was 13 ONCE. XD Much to learn. Will use primer/setting spray later as learned by Northyboo. ...and no, not on the Halloween eyes. lol
Not sure if I'm gonna make a letter to my creepy ass mom right now, or if I'm just gonna talk.
***TRIGGER WARNING*** Slight details of some abuse and in-general triggery***
I feel a lot of shame right now. Keep going through the old slides of my life. How I essentially was REALLY weird/crazy when I worked. From the mold poisoning, from the mindf***ery, from the malnutrition and sickness. I am so ashamed of how I was when I worked. And bullying came from all levels. My boss was a complete asshole about stuff. Not only that, a druggy. I remember he put me on speaker phone as his family laughed at me for being really nervous about something. ...yeah, I was a joke to everyone. Something to be kicked around. Defaced. And I cannot but help feeling this deep-seated rage towards them and hope that everyone I faced there gets whats coming to them eventually. I certainly wouldn't venture anywhere near such sick individuals.
Thinking about that because how absolutely f***ed of a raising I had. No chance for opportunity, no chance for anything really. I took too long because I was afraid and abused by my family. Never good enough. I was a stellar, social student until I gained realization of my mother's behavior and her affairs. Already there was plenty of different forms of abuse from both parents. ...but all these outsiders, neighbors, everyone seen them as wonderful and I was the hideous, "unruly" scraggly child. The outsiders made it seem as if it was all my own fault.
I still struggle with this. I randomly get people who feel like they're entitled to be a total f***wad to me. Or they just detest me for whatever reason. Happens a lot with geek types, strangely enough. Very insular. Funny thing is, they are perfectly friendly with the abusers I've known. Hmn, what does that say about them? Kinda makes me sad. Demonized.
When I'm surrounded by demons who dress in the robes of saints.
My mother attempts to contact me around this time of year, so alot of PTSD triggers well up. She's usually sh*tfaced, asking where I am to SO. A short-lived drunken regret which will be forgotten by the next evening. She lives in cycles of abuse. All of these people I mentioned live in these cycles. And strangely enough, have substance abuse issues or alcoholism. She's the type of b*tch to get her stomach pumped from her own excess and desperation. All she is is destruction. She tried to destroy me. She destroyed marriages, relationships, lives. She destroyed animals that she so badly wanted to "save" by shoving them in a room with the rest of her menagerie. Me included.
But there's other stuff. How I will never be able to go back to any "home" I've had. Demonized by my abusive family to the point they locked me out and turned me homeless rather than listen to what I had to say. My ex-friends who...by the Divine have some kind of psychopathy. And then the ILs where they are somehow even more crazy than the mentioned above. I wonder if it's my body language and kind of lax/flippant kind of nature I have that is offputting? But...wtf...change myself for an entitled stranger. No f***ing thanks. I feel the full brunt of shame and the core of my agoraphobia/anxiety.
It's a terrible thing. I want to be able to work and live. But I'm so f***ing scared that I'll just f*** everything up and be mocked and brutalized my entire life. I'm so f***ing tired of this insanity that I have to deal with on a daily basis. I just want to be able to work, live, and learn on my own terms and without being tortured or scoffed at! I don't wanna be the eternal f*** up that will be humiliated and abused by everyone.
@CaloenasNicobarica You are so powerful, Cal. I know this. Once you actually truely believe in that last paragraph and not the deep cut lies you have existed through your whole life, you will get what you want. *hugs*
@CaloenasNicobarica
*safe hugs* I'm so sorry people treat you like this, from what I've seen of you on here you are an amazing person and I'm honored just to know you here. You are such a strong person Cal, with such great things ahead of you. You are stronger than those who try to bring you down! Love ya Cal 💖
@CaloenasNicobarica
Hey Cal... gonna send you some squishy huggles *squeeeezing squishy* and I'd just like to tell you, well, much respect for getting all of that out here, I know how difficult that can be sometimes... well, I don't know if you're open for any kind of tips right now, if not just don't read the next paragraph, ok :) you can come back to it later if you feel like...
well, I'm dealing with anxiety/angoraphobia, too, sometimes more sometimes less... worst times I wasn't able to leave the flat, even felt unsafe in the living room, cause it's open and light and all, so stayed in my bedroom most of the time... what helped me, well, after training baby steps with opening the front door, leave it open for some time, close it again, walk a few steps down, standing at the open door a few minutes, staying in the backyard for a bit, going to the frontyard and so on, well, took me months to even walk to the street... but what helped me was a goal, a silly goal, but I wanted to have a Starbucks Caramel Macchiato and well, my man just refused to bring me one anymore, told me if I want one I gotta go and get it... so I didn't have a caramel macciato for over half a year, but that silly tiny goal somehow made me keep going... well, sometimes it's the tiny things, not the whole big picture... well, I don't know if anything of that applies to you, I don't mean it like you just gotta get over it, I hope you know I for sure don't mean it like that... I just want to say, it is possible... and you will have that life you're dreaming of, I'm so sure about that, don't know why, just a feeling I have...
keep going Cal, and f*** those f***ers, they are not even worth a thought, just wasted brain capacity... Love ya Cal *squishy hugs*
Not sure what to say.
I'm at a point where I think taking meds for my anxiety/depression should be pursued finally. I dislike it and have been using natural supplements when needed, but times are changing quickly.
There's been a lot of chaos. Whether it be a personality disorder or sheer insanity, I don't think I can manage much longer with the person I'm living with. After therapy tonight, I got verbally attacked for not saying goodbye at the proper time. Then he kept saying he wasn't being nitpicky or anything and was absolutely freakish about the whole thing. I wrote a more detailed post in the Getting It Off Your Chest section of the Trauma community for those interested. Tryin' to gather myself up after a very difficult session with EMDR where it kinda back-fired. I think my weakness was noted by SO. And tonight after distancing myself even further from them, I started looking into internships and things like that.
Essentially...what I can do right now. The medicine is one thing. Preparing a skills-based resume is another. Continuing to develop my mathematical and programming skills. Focusing on my treatment of the previous trauma, with C-PTSD/Agoraphobia as the main issues, combined with that is re-awakening my senses and the realization that I deserve to be treated as a human. Not to mention coping and learning what is healthy.
I'm really frustrated at being in this stupid situation where I just hid. Now I see how damaging it was as the years dragged by. I've got to make some more changes, keep on with my studies til I'm done, and...
Was thinking about this. Think I might have to leave before the year's done. The way things are going. After all these years hiding away, I need to make that getaway sooner than later.
@CaloenasNicobarica
Hey Cal, what you wrote about that Goodbye scene, well, that's really freaking crazy... you've been working a lot on yourself, your studies, working with your therapist, you've been growing a lot, that's probably what makes him freak out, he's losing ground... in such situations people, especially such people, lash out, they bite... that was his way of biting... and that's just really quite f*** up... but, I'd see it as a good sign, like a sign for your growth... and perhaps as that one last straw... I'm really glad that you're thinking about getting away there more sooner than later... I can only imagine how you'd grow without this situation :) oh and I read your other thread too, felt more comfortable with saying sth here, somehow having problems with being 'in public' right now... the idea about the long term support you mentioned there, think that's a really good idea... I don't like talking to any listener, cause that's just a stranger, but I talk to one I can trust and well, that's just really, yeah, helps me a lot... so I really hope you'll find one you can trust and who can give you company on your way :) ok, just sending you some *hugs*
@courteousNorth5140
*plops down with squishcow* Northy...OoO<ghosty face?
I like your idea from the above post, mrow. Not sure if I'll be able to walk on the street here because my agoraphobia is weirdly linked to this area. I'm doing a lot better when I go to other areas! But yeah...also, Starbucks is enabling. trololol. I'll send you a pic later. I freakin' love me a Caramel Macchiato! *drool* I actually have this bottled version of it that's cold. It's really good! So then I don't have to leave for them. Bwahaha! But having that motivation to get you out there. That's cool. I try to think along those lines a lot. Risk vs reward. Whee.
Also...RE: crazy goobye BS.
I think you're right here, too. I was warned about this from my previous therapists as well. But it was a pretty "DAYUM. O_O" Kinda thing. Surreal AF. And yeah, it really kicked up my initiative to get out of here. I don't know if I'll make it before the end of the year- but I am starting to work even harder and put myself out there. I never used to be able to do this, but on a course I'm taking I posted my code publicly and asked for assistance, someone gave it and I eventually figured out it was something related to my device settings. lol But still. They were super nice and I even recorded myself explaining my code, but like...not posted it. XD
It's cool. I sometimes get a little scared to comment on stuff like that, too. Usually, there's no randoms and such here. But I felt the need to also throw out my want for a long-term support. I've tried before and had terrible luck with it. But I figure maybe within the trauma community I might find someone. Also took the time to BS with some listeners that I haven't chatted with in ages. Which was nice.
*huggles you back* Mrowr.
@CaloenasNicobarica
hey Cal :) you said sth really interesting, your agoraphobia is linked to the area you're living in.... so, you are able to be outside somewhere else? well, you are seeing your psychologist, you're even going shopping... well, that just tells me, it all is somehow linked to your situation at home and I think I said sth like that before, I wonder how much you'd grow if you'd get out there, it would probably be an overnight growth :D you'd just pop out of your shell, like the transformation of a superhero :D I know what I'm going to say now is probably completely naive, but, can't you just get away there? can't you ask your psychologist to help you with that? I mean, this clearly is an abusive environment... well, you can laugh at me for being so naive, I know it isn't that easy, I just, well, I care for you and I'd just like to see you walk away there... perhaps walking out of the door right now would be making the last step before the first, but perhaps sometimes it has to be done that way, perhaps sometimes we just have to jump... I just have the feeling that lots of your problems would dissapear without that abusive and threatening environment around you....
I think it's graspable how hard you're working on yourself right now, the posting your code publicly, asking for help, looking for a long term listener, hell, those are things to be f*** proud of, huge steps actually...
the commenting on stuff publicly, well, I'm trying to step out of my comfort zone right now :D probably going to freak out about it in a few hours, but well, who knows, perhaps not... sometimes we just have to jump...
here for you Cal, in my own weird way ;)
@CaloenasNicobarica
*safe hugs* im so sorry you had to deal with that Cal, sitting here with you, sending you lots of love and hugs 💖💖 your in my thoughts and I'm here for you 💖
@calmLake1999
Oh Calm, you're so sweet. *safe hugs*
Hey, are you feeling okay? I saw you took a short break. I know there's a lot of stuff going on for you, and I hope you find some peace and solace. Know that might be hard... but I'm wishing the best for you. Hope you and Jasper are okay. *sends you a safe huggle and a treat for Jasper*
@CaloenasNicobarica
I'll be ok Cal, just got overwhelmed lots going on thank you for asking 💖💖