Whatever it Takes
Hello, I'm Singer.
The title of my thread is my current favorite song, by Imagine Dragons, which I played at least 10-15 times yesterday. I think it will serve to inspire me to keep on going, as I have already through thick or thin, doing "whatever it takes" to try and help myself, to hang in there, to make some sort of beauty and meaning and inspiration out of it all.
I know I have not always been this way. I have many, many positive memories. I don't know exactly what dissociation is, but I know I do it to some extent from time to time. I also know I resonate strongly with themes of being a warrior.
I hope to find a trauma therapist who is full of compassion and will help me. Until then, and after then, here I am, doing the best that I can to try to heal, to try to take care of myself, and to try to live the daring, brilliant, innovative life I aspire to.
My most recent therapist mentioned "attachment trauma" was what to address. I had to let her go, by the way, because I didn't trust her personally anymore. I trust her observations about me, but I did not trust her in relationship.
Signing out,
Singer
Hey Diary...
Another day, am starting to settle in to this routine of "photographer" being what I do for a living. (Wow -- there was a time when I "didn't know how" I'd get here). I shamed myself for many years about "not already" being a photographer, and about it seeming "so hard" to me to become one, when for others it seemed so easy. Now I know it was trauma and anxiety getting in my way. Not anything to do with photography. (Except for photography happening to be a trigger).
Also, since I am actually doing an activity I enjoy for a living now, my work "gripes" become less existential, and more practical. Different problems 
Problems moving in the right direction.
I'm not so sure what to say. My life is still missing some components I'd really like: a close-knit social circle (and sense of community), a steady stream of income coming in that is more than enough to pay my bills and debts, fun and pleasant social and social outdoor activities to enjoy with other people (people who I like and who like me). I have a feeling these things will take time, and I'm stumped as to how I'll continue to work towards them knowing full well I still don't plan on staying in my location long term. It's funny, since I've been talking to this person in Oregon, I've started "planning" on moving there. It seems like that's where my tribe may be. But I don't know. There are a lot of unknowns. It's a long, long, long distance from my family, for a place to "try out" and potentially not have work out. It's a long way to go and "start over" again, this time... nearly solo. Of course, if things work out with the person I'm talking to, I would have a person there. And a person who could introduce me to many other persons. However, I would want to be very, very careful not to fall into a trap I fell into in the past: Having all my close friends and social circle BE my significant other's close friends and social circle. I would not be happy that way. I need my own. But... but it would be very, very lovely to move somewhere I would like to move, and to already be close with somebody there. I would really miss my family though, a lot. But, I know that I can't stay here forever, somewhere I am unhappy, simply because they are here. But, I could choose somewhere closer to move, closer than 2800 miles away.... Sigh.
Well.....
I don't know what else to say. I'm really writing because I am feeling like I want some connection. I keep checking my phone and I don't have messages like I would like to have. I don't have plans later. Or tomorrow. I wish I had been able to meet some more people here... but at the same time, I haven't been in a condition mentally/emotionally or financially to really DO that much anyway. It's kind of a rough catch-22 I've been caught in. The things I needed in order to get better, I couldn't get because I wasn't doing/feeling well. So, I'm working my way up/out. Gradually, slowly. And I think I'm making progress. And losing a lot of pride/ego (in a good way) along the way. I never thought of myself as having a huge ego, but, you know. It isn't bad to have to work for things.
I even feel like I don't really fit in here. I know I say that from time to time. And it's okay if I don't totally fit in here, or if my very best friends in the world aren't here. I mean, I'm not 100% trauma, after all. Trauma is just a piece of me and of what I've gone through. Although I know at times it's felt like my totality.
Well, I'm rambling just a little bit, and it's time to eat a snack and edit some photos. I sure would like some more good friends.
- Singer
@singercrystalspirit
Hi there. It really struck me reading your post what a big country America is. If I move around here in the UK, the furthest Im ever really going to get from my family is maybe a six hour drive away. Distances like the 2800 miles you mention would have me swimming around the North Sea, or maybe even across it and onto the dry land of another country all together! I imagine thats another layer to contend with when you live in such a vast country. Though I guess you have a lot of airports and flights, but Im not sure how affordable they are on a photographers wage.
I dont have any sage words Im afraid. I just wanted to connect with you, and remind you that youre not alone. For what it matters, I think youre a great fit here. Youre a free thinking individual. Ive never known you to judge anyone in your posts, youre thoughtful and kind. I really hope things work out well with this guy youre chatting to. But if they dont, therell be others. And whoever you finally settle with, theyll be lucky to have you in their life. Dont ever undervalue your worth dear friend.
@DeborahUK
Thanks Deb. You
Dear Diary,
I'm awake again early, so I thought I'd come here. It's been a long week. I started a new (another one) photography job on Monday. And I got a concussion the very next day. I've still been working and carrying on mostly as usual, as it's a mild concussion and I know myself psychologically, and I think it will be better for me to carry on. Within reason. Giving my body some care. I'm already missing exercise (I've only been going on walks and doing yoga), so I think I'll do some strength training today, and, if I feel up for it, go on a run. I might skip the run (seems like that might jostle my head around lol) but I'll definitely do some strength training. I wonder if there's anything more gentle on my head I could do to get my heartrate up? Hmmm... *thinks*
I'd like to find a job (or two jobs) I enjoy where I make plenty of money, lots of money, with ease. I wonder what I could look for and find, what type of job? Photography is cool and all, and I do enjoy it, but the paychecks I found out yesterday are going to be rather lower I believe than I had imagined. I want to make plenty of money to pay off all my debts, to buy two houses (one to fix up and airbnb out, and one to fix up and live in for myself), to own a dog, to buy nice new clothes, to feel secure and safe.
I was also thinking, I am experiencing some unpleasant things lately such as early-waking insomnia as a side effect (hopefully temporary!) of my new serotonin modifier, and a concussion most recently. On the whole, I do think I am somewhat recovered from trauma! I am learning to stay positive, and I am practicing.
My brain is screaming at me right now very loudly. It is saying, "LOOK AT ALL OF THESE NEGATIVE EVENTS! SO MUCH COULD BE WRONG!" ... Here is extra space for you, brain and thoughts. I see now that it's inaccurate that my life is a disaster. That is simply a thought about my life, a thought that I can choose to hang onto and live according to, or not. "BUT YOU MIGHT MAKE A WRONG DECISION!" screams my brain. Well... I might make a decision that ends up bringing me pain, whether or not I make that decision according to acting on a fear thought, or, acting on a hope thought. So.... might I as well not make decisions acting upon hope thoughts, since I am not in control of either outcome? Continuing worry... it's the illusion of control, isn't it? It's almost like an obsessive compulsion (to worry and then act on the worry).
I think I'm going to lie back down and see if I can get a bit more sleep. Take care.
- Singer
@singercrystalspirit
Haha, that didn't work. I just lay there with thoughts going through my head about how my heart's not in my current two jobs, because they don't pay the bills (let alone provide any extra) and there's not the promise or the guarantee that they will, even after time. I try to be optimistic that they will end up providing plenty of money, of course.... which, you know, is what you're working with when you have any type of job that isn't a fixed-salary job... I am repeating to myself, "I will figure it out! I will find my way."
Dear Diary,
Today, I let go.
- Singer
As soon as I let go..... I find out that rent in a room in a place that is much cooler than here, is only $250 more than I am paying here in this crap little city.
I need a way out of here, but I don't know where to go. I don't know what my way is. I just know that I am doing something wrong.
@singercrystalspirit
Hey there Singer. I hope you know, if you ever need to talk, my PMs are open to you. In the meantime, I sit with you in solidarity, silent company, but youre not alone, and you will be able to figure it out.
@DeborahUK
Thank you Deb. I will be looking forward to talking :)
Dear Diary,
I think a lot that has gone wrong in my relationships and in my life is my responsibility. I have handled things negatively and reactively, and I have not wanted to handle pain of rejection.
I think that I can go on fighting this and "blaming" other people and being a victim, or I can accept it and change my behavior and maybe not be happier, but maybe be healthier.
I feel sad about this, and sad about the guy I was "dating" deciding to pursue a relationship with someone else instead of me. I have a headache, and I am going out of town to the doctor tomorrow. I have been "playing" the "victim" for such a long time now. I finally understand what that person meant when he told me that's what I was doing. And standing in my own way. I just did not want to accept that relationships would not always go my way, but that that did not mean that they were worthless. Now I see. And I regret all of the relationships I have pushed out of my life. I know many of them were with bullies, and many of the people left me.... but I did a lot of generalizing in my pushing, and a lot of reacting (rather than responding). I may have been hurt, but it didn't help me hurt any less to.... well, to bring more hurt in. Man do I have a headache.
I feel sad, and empty but a little at peace, and lonely. I don't feel like I necessarily "deserve" what I'm experiencing, but I also don't feel like it's someone else's fault. And that's different for me... to not be blaming it on someone or something. I don't honestly even think I'm blaming anything on myself right now. Anyway I think I am going to try to go to sleep early. My head really hurts. I hope something really good happens for me soon 
. I kind of want to complain, and say... can one person (me) really have so much work to do on learning how to have good/healthy relationships, that even after so many years they still feel like they are at the bottom and have such a long way to go?
- Singer
@singercrystalspirit
*safe hugs* I am sorry this has happened and that you still have a headache, I hope your concussion is improving a little? I'm sitting here with you Singer, offering you support and love.💖
@calmLake1999
Thank you dearest *safe hugs* back. I do think my concussion is improving a little. Thank you for being so sweet ♥️
Dear Diary,
I
@singercrystalspirit
I just realized I am living my life. I mean, I have to choose to live my life here. I have to be living my own life first, before I can take it somewhere else.
Dear Diary,
Awake cause the dog barking woke me up.
Many worries running through my head about whether or not I
@singercrystalspirit sending you hugs Singer. It is hard when something ends and you miss someone. 
@purpleWest8143
🙂 *takes hugs*
Dear Diary,
I feel overwhelmed, and like the decisions that are in front of me aren't the decisions I want to be making. Do I pick myself up and remove myself away from this place? To a place where I make better decisions? I asked for a dream to give me answers last night before I slept, and I indeed had a vivid dream (I don't usually)... but what its meaning is, feels unsure and seems to contradict how I feel in waking life.
I don't like my self lately. I'm changing, and I keep telling myself it's for the better and it's only my anxiety... but I miss my spirituality. I miss being in touch with inner truths. I feel like it's my fault I lost it, somehow. Other times I blame smartphones and social media. I know I am the one in control of my self...
Hmm. I think my over-thinking and over-analyzing is what I miss, because it feels safe there. Maybe I can trust that everything will be okay.
- Singer
@singercrystalspirit@singercrystalspirit all Ive learned about dream theories and their meanings in my studies is that sometimes they are literal and our mind trying to process and sometimes they have hidden meanings that can seem very backwards 😲😣
( I used to dream that all of my teeth would fall out exponentially fast, one after the other like dominoes - which I think most commonly is interpreted as anxiety about drastic change)
change can def be hard for some people (me too 😉 I def would rather knowing what to expect - predictability and security). I think that sometimes if its change because of things we cant control / or decisions we have to make because of same - its best to go with what your first gut feeling tells you or to do your BEST to try just have faith that things will work out how they should. Ive found that there usually is a lesson for me to learn although sometimes it might take a LONG time to see it 🤣. If I try to keep an open mind it will eventually come. I suppose we will not always make the right or best choices, per say but as long as we are trying to do our best, and continue to learn from our choices in life- that is what really matters? Thats what Id like to think anyways.
Heres to hoping your mind and body will feel some peace today. Hugs to you Singer ❤️
@purpleWest8143
Hehe thanks. Oh, dreams.
I have some big scary decisions coming up, so Im going to do just that - try to do my best, and try to have faith that all things are going to work out!
♥️🤗
@singercrystalspirit PS on another note.... do you do lifestyle shoots? We
@purpleWest8143
You can! I
@singercrystalspirit nothing yet! I don't even know where to start - It will be myself, my 22 year old daughter, my 12 year old daughter and 6 month old grandson. I don't know the location yet but I chose this photographer because I'm hoping she'll catch our personalities and character and keep it a little edgy somehow- which is what I want more than made up formal photos. My problem is that we all have such different colouring etc. Myself and oldest daughter look more like sisters - I'm a pretty young looking 40 year old. Long golden blonde wavy hair half way down my back, slim, tattoos, golden skin tone, blue eyes and a bit of a tan and average height. 22 year old has long brown hair mid way down her back, hazel eyes, fair skin with more of an olive tone I think and pretty tall around 5'9"/10" and tattoos also. 12 year old has the palest skin ever (wears the lightest Sephora foundation they make), blue eyes with green centres, tons of freckles, chin length very dark blonde / bordering on light brown hair that is collar length and big perfect bushy eyebrows! And then there's the babe.... fair hair blue eyes.
Any ideas?
@purpleWest8143
What is the shoot location?
First thing coming to mind is to pick a color that pops well with the background, and allow everyone to wear whatever "shade" of it best suits their colouring. i.e. indigo + periwinkle + midnight etc
@singercrystalspirit ahhh this a great idea! I hadn
@purpleWest8143
Great!!! 😊😊🤗😉😘
Dear Diary,
Financial/income worries.
Nothing whatsoever to do with trauma (other than tangentially). Well, actually does somewhat have to do with trauma. Indirect associations/brain wiring.
Please provide a way for me... sobering to realize that there are many many many humans around the world in financial woe.... responsibility is on me? 
Yet there's also luck.
- Singer
Dear Diary,
Feeling lots of guilt today around my parents. Wish I had some solid support and people in my life who knew me and my family and our history. Feeling pain that my family situation is not what I want - and that I really do not have control over that. Over other persons
Dear Diary,
I'm doing it 
I decided on Monday I'm putting things into motion to plan a move to Portland. I'm starting collecting info to apply to substitute teach. I told my family and my roommates my intentions today. Mixed emotions. I'm looking into part-time telecommute jobs, too, to see if I can go ahead and start making some more money now.
Love,
- Spirit