Whatever it Takes
Hello, I'm Singer.
The title of my thread is my current favorite song, by Imagine Dragons, which I played at least 10-15 times yesterday. I think it will serve to inspire me to keep on going, as I have already through thick or thin, doing "whatever it takes" to try and help myself, to hang in there, to make some sort of beauty and meaning and inspiration out of it all.
I know I have not always been this way. I have many, many positive memories. I don't know exactly what dissociation is, but I know I do it to some extent from time to time. I also know I resonate strongly with themes of being a warrior.
I hope to find a trauma therapist who is full of compassion and will help me. Until then, and after then, here I am, doing the best that I can to try to heal, to try to take care of myself, and to try to live the daring, brilliant, innovative life I aspire to.
My most recent therapist mentioned "attachment trauma" was what to address. I had to let her go, by the way, because I didn't trust her personally anymore. I trust her observations about me, but I did not trust her in relationship.
Signing out,
Singer
I want to vent again. I make SO MUCH LESS MONEY HERE.
My anxiety is so high today. I am trying to focus and get things done and I just can't. I am trying.
Diary,
I have succumbed to the system. I am a female, lost once again in the patriarchal masculine system that does not attend to my health or needs. Here in South Carolina. I am rendered utterly dependent. How am I going to claw my way out of this one?
My health and well-being is on the line.
I can't live alone anymore. I'm not healthy. I need somebody to help me, and I don't know what to do. I don't have a partner. I felt so healthy the other day, until I have these dips. I wish I had somebody to help me, to take care of me. I wish I had a warm and loving and welcoming community in person who could make me food, give me hugs. You know?
How am I ever going to find the life I seek with my health in this condition?
I am almost in tears.
@singercrystalspirit
May I pray for you?
@Sorina0238
Yes! Thank you!
@Sorina0238
Can I tell you something?
Several days ago, a total stranger (who I ended up knowing through mutual acquaintances/friends from high school) messaged me... we ended up hitting it off (I checked with my friend to make sure, and he told me this guy is a good person), and he wants to help take care of me, cook for me (he's a sous chef...), etc. He doesn't live in my city, but... it's really interesting. I was saying I wanted those things and needed those things; you asked if you could pray for me; he messaged me.
@singercrystalspirit
Theres a safe hug here for you Singer ❤️
I dont know the answer to all your questions, but I do know nothing is forever. I do know you can make changes in your life if you want them enough. And I do know that, sometimes, rushing into change without letting things settle first, isnt always the best course of action.
Maybe give some thought as to what drew you to there in the first place, what the reality is, and how realistic are your expectations compared to reality. Reflecting on what @wizeakre wrote, very few of us are raised in palaces. We find ourselves living in a variety of grotty places, working a number of grotty jobs, experiencing a few grotty relationships. I think of it as a learning curve. It teaches resilience, it teaches you what you do and dont want, it highlights your priorities, and it gives you the determination to move forward, not back. In the rich tapestry of life, much of your story is yet to be realised.
@DeborahUK
Love you Deb.
Your advice is hard, and I will take it. I will be mindful, and let things settle. And I will think on the things you mentioned.
I have within me everything I need. I will let my body be as it is right now, as @wizeakre said. I will let how my body is feeling stay, too. I will stop trying to push it away. It's been like this since puberty... trying to push the way my body feels away.
I love my body.
I love my body, and that's what matters. I will fall asleep, loving my tired, delirious, clogged body.
Dear Diary,
I am angry, at myself.... I need to self care. I'm overwhelmed. And I didn't mean to get this way. What small thing can I help myself with right now?
I took an epsom salt bath... I am drinking hot lemon water... I really wish I had not stuffed food in my face when I got home. It was hard not to, having gotten so little sleep last night and my brain firing only on partial cylinders. I took Benadryl nearly two hours ago and it hasn't knocked me out yet. Oh.... oh. Maybe cause I ate so much. I didn't think of that.
I hope I feel better tomorrow -- and not overwhelmed. I don't like this "sick" state I'm in today.
This is how my caffeine experiment ends, not with a whimper but with a bang.
I guess that's what this is due to? It's really hard to know.
Maybe writin' this diary will help some too, gettin' some of the thoughts out. I just got too much holed up inside me. Too much emotions, too much food, not enough outlet. It's a delicate balance keepin' it all workin'. I wonder if hormonal birth control *is* the answer, like the dermatologist was suggesting. I can't wait to get this all sorted out..... I know enough to know it's not my fault, but it's still really hard to deal with.
Gratitude....
I feel grateful for:
- the friendly interaction with the barista which I really enjoyed and he reminded me about the bananas which made me even more certain that the elimination diet was the way to go, not the diet thing I recently started following
- the overwhelming response to me in the daily check ins and the big hugs from friends and I feel really loved and so taken care of and heartwarmed and such love
- the nice AAA guy informing me of what my car problem actually was and why, and fixing it, for free!! !! !! which also saved me a trip to the mechanic tomorrow... thank goodness, because I ended up exhausted and with an extra project to do for work!
- girl at work lookin' out for me
- Deb droppin her words of wisdom
- sibling back to normal / perceiving OK
- relationship I have with my dad
- my friend
- my sister being so loving
- friends wanting to feed me
@singercrystalspirit
Does it help Singer, writing your gratitude list? I hope it helps put you right with the world, but its still okay not to feel okay, however much your cup runneth over!
I hope your health picks up. It sounds like youre suffering there. Hugs to you.
@DeborahUK
Thank you 
<--- big warm smiles.
Hugs back to you. I hope you're doing well. I hadn't heard from you in a while. What's new with you?
@singercrystalspirit
Sorry, hadnt seen this tag before now. Whats new with me? Well, currently away on holiday, but have woken up to howling winds and rain. Dont think Im going to get much of a suntan today! But thats England in January for you 😁💨☔️❄️
Im sorry to read youre not in such a good mindset lately. You say it feels permanent and doomed, and that sounds a pretty hard place to be. All I know, from personal experience, is that cloud can lift. When under it, youre right, it feels like things will never feel right again. But just like me with my howling gale this morning, it will change. Like the weather, its not permanent, but changeable. It sounds like youre being quite proactive about it by making medical apppointments, and Im sure that kind of attitude will help you move forward. So hunker down for now, and look forward to sunnier times ahead.
@DeborahUK
Thank you Deb 
Dear Diary,
I haven't been in a great mindspace. I haven't been getting enough sleep, and I know that's partially why. I've tried to get enough sleep, and I'm too wired. I'm not entirely certain why. I am a little scared by that, but feel better that I have an appointment now to see a doctor in several months. (A functional medicine doctor like I've been looking for). I feel scared that they'll tell me there's lots of things wrong with me, and I need lots of healing. You know? I just want to be OK. Well, more than OK. I want to be in good health, with tons of energy and enjoying life. I'm scared of being told by doctors I can't do that.
I'm also scared about the fact that I'm not sleeping as well, and in this negative mindspace. I don't like it. I'm considering making an appointment to see a psychiatrist, even though I don't know if they'll do much good. I suppose I could look around.
It also seems ridiculous to be going to all these doctors, when I know one of the causes of my distress is something as simple as not liking my job. Which I am trying to work on changing. I guess I do need to take care of myself in the meantime -- is that the answer?
Anyway, basically today I don't like my mental space from the past several days, and I feel scared. I don't like days like this where I don't feel so okay. I feel like there is something "wrong" with or "off" about me. I really don't like those days. They feel final, permanent, certain, truthful, and doomed. I want to feel OK all of the time.
@singercrystalspirit
Im sorry u feel scared and have had a rough few days.. *hugs* its ok to not to be ok all the time.. We have our rough patches but we fight through and I have seen that you are very kind and compassionate and a very strong fighter.. Your spirit is shining through even in the negative moments.. It does sometimes seem redundant to see different doctors all the time but different perspectives are also sometimes helpful.. I hope you find a job that fills you with excitement and passion soon.. Sending you lots of love and hugs 💖💖💖
@calmLake1999
Thank you
Alright Trauma Fam.
"Whatever it Takes" - that's the title of my diary, and that's the title of what I'm doing today. My anxiety, depression, stress, insomnia have gotten to unbearable levels. I'm buckling, and I'm asking for help. I've requested a counselor again (online) to help me. I'm willing to consider what they have to say.
I am pulling myself up. I'VE GOT THIS. R E A C H.
Ok update: No counselors available that fit my criteria. Fine. So I don't have a counselor. This is what I did do:
1) I posted in a Facebook group asking for recommendations for an anxiety/depression/insomnia doc.
2) I emailed my life coach a long email being vulnerable about what it is I am seeking her help with career-wise, and asked her if it is something that she does or would be interested in doing.
I'll keep you updated because I need the accountability and support. I can do this. I've got this.
@singercrystalspirit
Yes you can do it Singer! You've set yourself to do "Whatever it takes." Reading your posts, i know its been astruggle for you of late and now as you said its pushed you to ask for the help you need. It takes courage to acknowledge that you need help and then to ask for it.. And today you have done this .. you have reached out in three placesWell done..One didn't come through and that's ok, but the other two are yet to respond. We look forward to hearing how this goes for you.
Wondering if you could use "Whatever it takes" on a daily basis.When we are overwhelmed by so much, it can help to break things down into small manageable chunks. Looking at the day and how you can best get through, making a simple plan which includes time for self care, and then at the end of the day noticing what you managed to do.You notice the small steps you are taking. And not setting unrealistic expectationsThere will be ups and down, some days will be better than others, and that's ok. With patience,compassion and kindness for yourself.. and one step at a time.. with the support you need.. we're on your side. x
@rozie
My life coach responded and she wants the job of doing EXACTLY what I dreamed. Helping me integrate my years of research into a career.
I have gotten three or more recommendations for doctors (psychiatrists, holistic, caring, not pill-pushing) I am going to find one to go and talk to about options for my insomnia and super high stress/anxiety lately.
I talked for a couple hours with my brother yesterday and he really helped me out and was supportive and told me that he didn't think I was crazy, just under a whole lot of stress.
I really love your idea of "whatever it takes" daily. I think I came to this realization on my own last night. It sort of hit me what my eating disorder was all about (that I used to have) -- it was based in black and white or rigid thinking, which means that in any area of life I would get stuck or fixated on one solution or medication ALWAYS or else NEVER being the answer. Last night it hit me like the long arrival of dawn that nothing in itself is bad or good, but there is a time or a place for everything. Whether something is medicine or poison depends upon the condition and timing and amount in which it is used. And that goes for food or it also goes for any other tool or strategy used in life.
That dawned on me last night, and it is honestly what you are saying by each day thinking of things as "whatever it takes".
Thank you super big hugs.
Dear Diary,
I just want to cry.
I am so stressed in talking with my sister. I feel I can't be myself around her. I feel placed in this tiny little box, like I have to be perfect, and happy, and cheerful, otherwise I feel guilty or ashamed. I can't seem to interact with her or connect with her in any genuine or authentic way. There seems to be a wall between us.
Maybe I do need to just go get on meds. Maybe this diet and lifestyle thing is a pipe dream, false advertising.
I just... I don't feel like I have enough support. And all of a sudden, all the help seems to have disappeared. I was trying to get better, once and for all, from my anxiety. Face it. And I'm already meeting such harsh obstacles as my health acting up today. I don't want to be that delicate, sensitive person that others have to walk on eggshells around. And I feel both my sister and my brother see me that way. Yet I'm tired of self-medicating myself by eating too much food, or food of the wrong kinds. So I went on this elimination diet to support myself in healing.
It's hard.
I'm eating my lunch right now, for instance, and it's a perfectly healthy lunch, but I'm emotionally eating. I wasn't physically hungry yet. I was anxious.
It's really, really hard to observe myself doing this, to notice myself doing this, and to admit for how long this has been going on, and to admit that I am trying to change it. Whilst trying to change so much, so much and so many things about my life.
I'm dreading this meeting with my sister being like a work meeting or a business meeting. I don't like the way she's been talking to me, and how firm she's been in her boundaries. It hurts me. I need people to be closer to me, not more firmly making boundaries with me. I've had other friends treat me this way before, and I accepted it, because I needed them. I needed friends in my life, and they'd been loving towards me, so I accepted their paramaters, even though it hurt me on a consistent basis how they kept me at "arm's length" it felt, just like my sister does and I'm feeling it now.
What do you do when you love someone, and they just don't have or make time for you? When you need them, and they're too busy with their own life? Where is my own life, and why don't I have the resources and connections I need? Why do I not have and form the mutual connections that will support and sustain me, equally? Without this uneven quality being present? What are the answers to my questions?
I want to cry.
Is this just what being a grown-up is like? Am I going to get through this? If so, how? I don't want to go meet with her and have it be shallow, it will hurt so badly. But I also feel she doesn't care if I'm open with her how I'm feeling towards her. Her priorities are her husband and baby -- and apparently a lot of her other friends and social life come before me, too. I get that her husband and baby come first. It hurts that I come so far after I guess some of the rest of the stuff. I've had that a whole lot in my life -- people prioritizing me lower than I prioritize them. Why does this keep happening to me? It hurts so, very badly.
I'm struggling to be grateful to "have her in my life at all" when I'm feeling angry with her at not prioritizing me more highly. I moved across the country to be with my family, for goodness sake! And I feel like she resents me almost, resents me being here or demanding her attention. I'm feeling in so much pain. My brothers are both glad to have me here.
I hurt. And it feels like it's all my fault. And it feels like there is something wrong with me. And like she thinks there is something wrong with me. It hurts.
And on top of all of that, not a whole lot of other people are talking to me often lately, so my brain is linking this together and thinking that there must be something "wrong" with me in regards to making relationships.
I just don't feel like my sister loves me. Why can't I hang on to feeling loved? IS something wrong with me? So many people in this very trauma community reached out to me so much, recently, and I felt so loved. What is going on here?
Dear Diary,
Am I depressed? I changed my diet 10 days ago drastically. I know logically my body is adjusting. It's for my own good in the long term, but I didn't expect it to have this result. I expected my mood to lift, not to flatten out. I don't know what to do. I am not having any emotional reactions. I want to cry. I don't want to be sick and old, and tired, but that is how I feel. And depressed. Like my father.
Help 
. Please help.
I wanted to grow old in years full of energy, and youthful like a child, with spirit and spunk and art.
Dear Diary,
I'm feeling better today. It's interesting - having stabilized my diet, although my mood is "low", it is interesting to obseve life as it is without the bumps and valleys differing food substances provide my brain. It's interesting to observe what OTHER things provide bumps and valleys. (Food is such an instant change sometimes, it can overshadow the other more subtle in comparison things).
I feel I am beginning to re-discover my deep sense of spirituality in a special, fulfilling way. This is a good thing, a good sign, a good omen.
Read: I don't feel happy. But I feel ... encouraged. I feel I am in a cross country race right now. Results will be a long time coming. That is how I feel. My thoughts are, "Why did I ever run this race?! I much prefer sprinting!" However, those thoughts are not helpful, so... I let them go.
Anyways. That is how I feel. I am observing that some of my depression ... it has layers... is a spiritual sort. Some of it is definitely food-related. However, I am seeing the layers.
- Singer
Dear Diary,
Yesterday I was really encouraged because my elimination diet was working and I was so relieved.
Today, I must have eaten something I can't tolerate when I went out to eat, even though I asked all the ingredients, because all the symptoms came back... the brain fog, the tired, the depression. They came back after my lunch. I feel so discouraged, and overwhelmed, again. I just want to get this figured out. My roommate who was doing it with me is moving on without me... she's already reintroducing foods. I feel pressure because I don't want to do this journey alone. I want someone to do it with me. I feel really sad and I don't know what to do. I can't hear what my heart is telling me.
Food is such a social activity, and I know it isn't good for me to be so isolated and alone in the way I am eating. Yet, I know I need to be in control of what is going into my body to solve these health issues. What do I do?
Please, Universe, God, send me some help. Send me something. All I have to do is the next right thing.... What is the next right step from here?