Whatever it Takes
Hello, I'm Singer.
The title of my thread is my current favorite song, by Imagine Dragons, which I played at least 10-15 times yesterday. I think it will serve to inspire me to keep on going, as I have already through thick or thin, doing "whatever it takes" to try and help myself, to hang in there, to make some sort of beauty and meaning and inspiration out of it all.
I know I have not always been this way. I have many, many positive memories. I don't know exactly what dissociation is, but I know I do it to some extent from time to time. I also know I resonate strongly with themes of being a warrior.
I hope to find a trauma therapist who is full of compassion and will help me. Until then, and after then, here I am, doing the best that I can to try to heal, to try to take care of myself, and to try to live the daring, brilliant, innovative life I aspire to.
My most recent therapist mentioned "attachment trauma" was what to address. I had to let her go, by the way, because I didn't trust her personally anymore. I trust her observations about me, but I did not trust her in relationship.
Signing out,
Singer
Dear Diary,
I am so deep in my depression that it has stopped feeling like a depression. It feels like normal. I have started to believe that this is just the way I am as a person.
I have no passion or drive. I feel ashamed, because it is my responsibility to overcome my depression . Since I have not been able to permanently overcome it, I believe my character is shameful, and weak, and the opposite of admirable.
Its all my fault. I should be capable to live an honorable, admirable life and for some reason Ive failed. And Im not even terribly upset about that... just a slow acceptance.
I am sorry, to my self, that I am not who you wanted to be. I am sorry I am someone else. I am sorry I do not have the qualities which you admire. I am sorry I do not have the talents and the abilities which you desire. I am sorry that I am the sort of person who doesnt have a lot of appeal, except to other people who have even less appeal.
I feel like my thinking pattern doesnt quite make sense. But I dont see out of it.
Singer
Dear Diary,
My depression is almost complete. It's like if you're watching an eclipse of the sun. It's almost at totality. I have not been following the advice that's been given to me to cope with it. I'm really, really struggling to have any cohesion and stability in my life. I'm really struggling to focus and concentrate. I'm struggling to get proper sleep.
S.O.S. to the universe. Are you listening? Is anybody there?
- Singer
@singercrystalspirit
Im listening. What do you need buddy?
@DeborahUK
Hi :) I don't know what I need. It feels like I need a miracle I guess.
@singercrystalspirit
You're in my thoughts Singer. That sounds a truly unpleasant place youre in right now, but please believe me, it will pass. And I didnt believe it when I was told that either, but it was true.
Keep reaching out, get plenty of sleep, good nutrition, keep talking, rest when you need, and dont pile pressure on yourself. Depression is an illness, you need some tender loving care. Please look after yourself.
@DeborahUK
I got a little bit of hope this morning that it would pass -- for a brief moment, my mind went back to a space where it was happy and positive. It was only for a moment, but it was long enough for me to think "maybe if I get back on an antidepressant things will change."
Ok. I will keep reaching out. I will do my best to get plenty of sleep. I will do my best to get good nutrition. I will keep talking. I will do my best to rest when I need. I will do my best not to pile pressure on myself. I will do my best to give myself tender loving care.
@singercrystalspirit
You can only ever do your best. Sounds like a great plan :)
And yes, sounds like antidepressant medication may be right for you. Have you stopped it recently? Dont be in a rush to get off it, or try to avoid it altogether. Some people do, but you could very well be prolonging the agony. You have a headache, you take an analgesic. You have indigestion, you take an antacid. You have depression, why not take an anti depressant?
@DeborahUK
Thanks :)
Well, your logic is impeccable. The only real reason is that, after all these years.... I grew tired of taking something to treat the symptom only. (I believe when I get depressions, they are a symptom of something else, not really the illness themself). So... I am afraid that if I treat the symptom, I will never get to the root of the thing causing the symptom in the first place. You know?
I also believe that emotions are important, and that my depression is telling me something and means something. And I am afraid I will not get its message if I cover it up with an antidepressant.
Like if I got headaches every once in a while, and I knew it was because I didn't sleep for example, I would be OK taking a headache medication to help the symptom, because I knew the cause and (for the sake of the example let's say this is the case) normally I sleep fine.
But honestly, even in that scenario I would tend to be hard on myself and want to feel the pain of the headache so that I would remember to be better about sleep the next night, because I would worry I would get myself into a cycle of non-self-care where I would deprive myself of sleep and say "oh it'll be fine, I'll just take a medication for it" because I have a long history of doing just that.
So... that is why I feel very conflicted.
@singercrystalspirit I can totally understand these conflicting thoughts youre having as I too am a big believer in functional medicine practise and looking at the root cause of things rather than only treating symptoms. That being said, medication does not have to be an either or thing. I am not advocating for you to do something you do not want to do but do you think it could possibly help right now? And I definitely think medication is a good option when things are really bad and everything else is too overwhelming to even manage anymore. It can help enough to even get the controllable things Better managed sometimes.... like all of the things Deb was mentioning. As well as help with enough strength to even look at possible underlying causes.
Please Keep reaching out! Keep holding on to hope ❤️
And therapy AND medication in combo are possible.
@purpleWest8143 That's a good point - it doesn't have to be either/or. I do think medication could possibly help right now. It could also possibly make things worse because I tend to get severe side effects no matter what the medication, but theoretically, if it were to work like it was marketed to work, it could possibly help. Ok. I will keep reaching out. I will keep holding on to hope.
@singercrystalspirit I am the same way as you - super sensitive to meds. And I know that it can be a struggle to find the right one to help. You need to decide what is best for you - in my case, I have finally found one that works for me and is making it possible for me to do the difficult therapy needed. And I still experience all of my emotions but not at levels that are overwhelming. I havent been In your shoes so I cant tell you what to do or offer you specific advice but I do know that theres hope and possibilities.
@purpleWest8143 Thank you 
It helps to know there is someone out there who is like me, and super sensitive to meds in general. And it gives me hope that maybe I can still figure something out/find something. I wish I could ask you what you found, because maybe since we are both so sensitive the same one would also work for me. I got some genetic testing done, though, and I asked my functional medicine doctor if she had a recommendation, so... hopefully I will have an answer soon. I hope.
In the meantime... I am admitting to myself that I am tired and I need rest, and that I am not able to get a lot done right now. I do not know how I am going to live without much of an income, but maybe there are other ways for the time being.
@singercrystalspirit thats good you have a dr youre working with and Im guessing you trust this person? As for meds I dont know if Were actually allowed to discuss specific medications on here or not? Maybe @rain45 could answer this???
as well, meds are so specific to each individual person depending on their own body chemistry, co morbid health issues, what theyve already tried etc.
If we are allowed to discuss meds Id be more than happy to share my own experience.
@purpleWest8143 It's OK, we aren't supposed to discuss meds. I just wish someone could tell me what to take. Even my doctor told me to just pick one. You are right, it's specific to the person. I just wish. Thank you 
Yeah, I do trust the doctor. I just wish they would tell me what med to take hahaha. Argh. HUGS.
@singercrystalspirit so the best info I can give you is that it took 4 different meds to find one that seemed to work well for me. This seems to be the case especially with this type of medication, theres no set calculation for what will help one person. So a good relationship with your Dr is
really helpful as is holding on to that hope! And attempting all of the other things within your power to work towards feeling better (your best and effort will look different one day to another). Sometimes side effects subside once your body adjusts, sometimes they dont - its always a matter of weighing what the benefits youre getting from something are against the cons, and meds take time.
I personally had only resorted to medication as a last resort - after addressing all of the areas I could- diet, sleep, exercise, stress, therapy ( all of these to the degree I was able at the time). And this way then, I also believed that I would need lower amts of medication to help as well less wouldve effective, and it would just help boost everything I was already doing.
Some meds typically work better when there is also an anxiety component with depression, some typically work better with a PTSD component. If youve already trialled meds in the past but and experienced high side effects but also benefits to your mood (if you are considering meds again),
Then if it were me I would start by discussing those with my dr, how long they were tried for, what helped, what was negative, as well as what other symptoms aside from depression also are experienced. This might help give the dr some direction in which might be a good one to try? Im guessing a functional medicine dr might be looking at things like your thyroid and hormone levels first also if those havent been looked at before?
@purpleWest8143 Yeah :) I'll be getting bloodwork done next week and the week after to look in detail at thyroid, and basically everything else that could be causing issues. With the functional medicine doctor. [more coming]
@purpleWest8143 Thank you so much I wrote all this down so I could remember it. It made me realize, as much of a hard time as I am having, I am not ready to discuss medication yet. I NEED to wait and get the blood test results back for thyroid, hormones, etc. As much as it is driving me crazy that I will not know the results until May 15th and it feels like my life is just passing me by. Your advice helped me to clarify that it really does make sense to wait in the long run, even though I am in a lot of pain now. I guess I have been coping, even though I've been in a whole lot of pain.
My dilemma now is that I don't have a good relationship with my psychiatric nurse practitioner. It is months and months to wait to get into psychiatrists around here (if I were to switch). I could start seeing a functional medicine psychiatrist... (who WOULD know how thyroids and things etc would interact with medications or which might be best choices) which becomes a question of how far I want to run up my credit card while being unemployed.
@singercrystalspirit yes it is frustrating when access to wanted / needed support isnt available and or affordable. Im sorry that youre having difficulty finding the right support from some of the people you do have access to 😞 and waiting is hard when you feel so unwell. you said, you ARE coping in some ways - This means you do have some internal resources. Are there things in particular that you find helpful or that have been in the past?
@purpleWest8143 Thank you :) I've been meditating more (about 20 minutes in the morning) and I've been finding that really helpful. Lately I have also been finding it helpful to read before bed instead of being on my phone. And I've been exercising more (about an hour a day) and I guess that is helping. I'm also taking a bunch of supplements from my doctor and I think those are helping too. I've been trying to keep reaching out to people and I think that's helping too.
@singercrystalspirit and Im not giving any advice about doing or not doing anything in any given order - that would be stuff to ask the drs about 😉 (in regards to the tests and such) I just know that thyroid and hormones can affect moods also (mine were both also out of whack due to many years of prolonged stress Im guessing) so its good to check these but always best to discuss med implications and all of the rest with your dr. Just helps being armed with some stuff first right?
@purpleWest8143 You're right :) Thanks for the reminder. I'm pretty much doing things in the order I'm seemingly forced to right now... I wanted to do meds first, but that is getting delayed for various reasons, so it's the other things (sleep, exercise, diet) that it looks like I'm trying first. You are right -- there are so many things that can affect moods. It will be a relief when I finally have all my tests back and know what is going on with me. I will have to try my hardest to keep hoping.
I think it's extra hard because I know there's another layer even in addition to medical stuff -- I'm pretty sure I need a good therapist. Even for as many years as I've had a therapist already. I think there is something maladaptive going on with my emotional functioning 
I'm about to write another diary entry because I'm feeling upset. You are so right -- it's good to know and be armed with all of the info.
@purpleWest8143 Hey Purple. Discussing meds is not really something permitted by cups especially when it comes to specific drugs but you can mention whether medication worked for you generally but nothing much more than this. Dont know if this helps.
@Rain45 yes, helps me understand the rules better 😉 lol
@purpleWest8143 <3 No worries
Dear Diary,
I just had my mom over for dinner, because she's in town staying with my sister.
I'm in pain. I was doing well all day today (actually! - ! ! ! ! !) until my mom came over. Don't get me wrong -- I wasn't happy today. But I was grounded, I was stable, I was calm.
Then my mom was here for three hours, and that familiar aching, gnawing pain is back in my solar plexus. The old family pain. The things I want to brush away but that are really there. I don't know what to do with this pain. It's like her energy -- or some energy -- has infected me. It's part of why I worry about going on an antidepressant... when I'm on them, it's easier to "brush away" this gnawing thing. And see my family as normal. When I'm off them, it's easier to see the issues. But... maybe I'm seeing the issues more darkly than they are, because of my depression? It's so complicated and so hard to say. At the end of the day, I deserve to feel better, so however I can feel better, whether or not that includes medication, is what I want to pursue.
But right now, there is the gnawing pain, and I don't know what to do about it. Sometimes I just feel so...... alone. Sometimes around my mom I get stuck in pain from the past.... it's really, really difficult to have even one conversation with her, ever, where that sort of stuck pain doesn't come up and infect me. It's like... sometimes I wonder how much of it is even my pain. You know? Sometimes I feel like somehow I got burdened with everyone else's pain, too. But then I see my siblings... and I see that they are affected as well. Sometimes my family makes me so sad. Sometimes... most times... all the time... I wish I had more friends. I have a real struggle opening up to people and interacting with people. My mom and dad's behavior patterns are ingrained in me, I think... I think it would be better for me to spend less time interacting with my family and learn other ways, with more positive people.... it's a trap I'm in, because my family has been supporting me.... I am in so much gnawing pain right now.
My dad might have cancer, and I don't know what I am going to do if that is the case. It would be like one more burden piled on... let me not think about that. Let me not think about it. I don't know how to take care of myself right now. I don't know how to cleanse myself from the pain of interaction with my mother. I think my depression is part of this pain... I sense the pain from my father too. I don't know how to describe it. The pain was less when I was on an SSRI last summer. I don't know. I hope this all gets sorted out. I am in so much pain.
For all the years I've been in therapy and out, for all the things I've tried...... why has this not healed more? Why am I still in so much pain?
Ok. Ok let me find a way to let go of the past. Eckhart Tolle. All that exists is now. Maybe if I can find a way to be mindful. Create new memories. Create positive experiences. I think that is my antidote. To keep trying to create new memories and new positive experiences. And keep trying to let go of the past too. It's just so discouraging listening to my parents. But maybe I can let that go too. I feel so lonely and alone right now. I want to keep typing but I feel like it wouldn't be anything to say. It just feels like spewing pain. I want the pain to leave.
- Singer
@singercrystalspirit
wow singer you know I can super relate to everything youve described here! Except your dads possible cancer.. Im really sorry to hear this as that must be scary. Family dynamics are so complicated! I leave my family feeling exhausted and drained and like Ive absorbed stuff from them but yet still keep trying to reach to them for things like support and approval, although Im getting better at recognizing where Im just not going to get this from them.
I really connected towhat you said in check in the other day too about the difficulty of wrapping your head around abuse in families when parents were doing things out of a belief that it wasright and stemming from love. My rephrasing. I think for me knowing my parents intent was never to harm has helped me forgive them, but now Im really trying to get a grasp on exactly what my needs are so that I know where and what boundaries to set with them so that I dont end up feeling badly when interacting with them. I dont know if you feel like any of this might be relatable to you or not?
@purpleWest8143
Wow... Thank you for telling me. It is so good to feel like I am not alone, not a freak, not crazy, not weird. Yes, with the family that sounds like exactly my experience. And yeah, I am scared. But to be honest, I'm scared about my parents' health in general (they've never taken good care of themselves or gotten much exercise -- at least, it's been many years since they did). And they refuse to listen to health advice.
Gosh, you rephrased it really well. Thank you so very much for connecting with me. It means so much. I have been alone in this for I don't know how long -- somewhere between the abuse community and the "regular" community, and I've felt so alone. I did a lot of work forgiving my parents, too. But, now that I moved back to where my family lives six months ago, it's gotten harder again... of course, because I don't have the life of my own / support of my own and have been relying a lot (too much for my own good -- it's been out of balance) on my family.
I absolutely feel like it's relatable. I desperately want to be more independent again financially and socially, to have my "tribe", my social support network, my career, things in place so that I don't have to rely on my family in a way that I feel hurts me instead of helps me.
@singercrystalspirit I think I understand how this situation would create a lot of conflicted feelings for you- feeling dependant on your family yet feeling a need to distance yourself maybe?
I still reach out to my family emotionally and end up getting let down. At times when I have depended on them for physical / material things , there has often been concrete conditions or a feeling of conditions that ends up producing conflicted feelings - even when the support was offered or agreed to without strings attached. There always seems to be unspoken expectations.
@purpleWest8143 I literally identify with you 100%.
@singercrystalspirit I have a question for you being that we were both raised in religious households (mine was baptist and my parents started a grassroots Christian school that I had to attend from grades 5-8 with only 25 kids there for k- grade 5 to start!).
Im curious if you feel like having religion forced on you (Im making an assumption here) impacted your ability to realize your true self? I feel like Im struggling to find a balance between what I feel / want deep down and what Ive been told to think? The problem is that with these things being based on religion I feel like they had a good moral basis but were often skewed in practise and modelling and I was not given the chance or shown/ guided in thinking for myself.
I somewhat feel like you, in seeking to find all of the same similar things in relationships and such except feel as though I have found a career I do love. But I do have trouble recognizing unhealthy interactions early from other people relationship wise and where to set personal boundaries. I think for me, as I get a stronger sense of myself , that this will get easier I hope? And I will build closer relationships with people. Do you relate to this too?
@purpleWest8143
Mine was Southern Baptist/Evangelical. I was in youth group/at church two to three times a week, sunday school too. There were a lot of positives, community for one, but... you described so utterly accurately exactly how I have felt it harmed me for a decade now. I did such hard work to "heal" from it, and now here I am again, in the South, depending on my family for emotional and a bit of material support, and... tonight literally my brother invited me to church, and my sister called me to talk about Jesus. (When I reached out for emotional support).
I relate completely to everything you said here. I have trouble with the boundaries, too. I'm getting better, but I still mess up pretty often. I'm so lonely, I often let people in even when it doesn't feel right. And then it hurts worse, of course, when a week or a month or half a year later either they disappear (because, of course, my instinct was right) or I finally have enough support elsewhere to cut it off.
I have often -- well, I used to wish this -- that I could just move somewhere new, completely alone, and slowly slowly only let people in if I was sure it was ok. Start completely over. The problem, of course, is... that that would require never talking to my family again, and lots of other complicated extreme things that I am not sure would really be a good idea.
And I am struggling, hard. I am about to tell my brother I'll go to church with him, simply because I am aching so badly for love and community, and it doesn't seem to be fully available at the depth that I need where I live, or with my family, unless I am Christian, too. I feel ashamed that I am at this place and in this state.
I have come a long way though, in thinking for myself. So I can try and encourage myself. I am sure you have, too. I think there is something fundamentally traumatic about being raised with a certain set of beliefs AS THOUGH THEY WERE FACT and then to find out much later they are not facts but beliefs.... I think to this day I cannot tell the difference between facts and beliefs. It is something that is very hard for me. I wish I had been taught all along that they were beliefs. I wish there were therapists to help with this. It is so nice to be able to talk about it.
And of course it has made it extremely hard that I have wanted to maintain close relationships with my family all this time. Because it's not like they are in some extreme cult making child sacrifices burning in flames or something. They are in a large network of people with similar beliefs. And I'm the outsider. And I don't have "my own" set of beliefs that comes attached with a similar faith community... (it's not like I "converted" to Islam or Buddhism or something and go to temple or whatever now)... so that makes it all the easier to feel like I am in the wrong. I just happen to believe in pursuing the truth, and I happen to believe that the truth is that NO set of beliefs is "right". I happen to believe that's a poisonous belief, to call something "the truth" (as opposed to "a truth"). But, of course... my family all disagrees. And I'm living near them, and most of the people in this new area of the country are pretty similar to my family. I don't know what to do.
Dear Diary,
Pain, pain, and more pain. I think I am about to put the cost of a functional medicine psychiatrist on one of my credit cards, even though I have absolutely no income lined up to pay for it, and no plan. I am at my wit's end. I. Am. In. So. Much. Pain.
- Singer
I got a boost of energy out of NOWHERE. This is telling me another reminder that something drastic is going on with my hormones. I hope, I hope I hope I hope that my doctor can figure this out soon. I do think I am going to bite the bullet on the functional medicine psychiatrist. And hope, pray and trust that income will come, money will come, bills will be paid....
@singercrystalspirit
Hi singer I am so sorry to hear you are in so much pain. I am here for you if you would like to vent or need a shoulder to cry on or just someone to sit with you. Please know you are much loved and cared for in this community. You have so much compassion and strength. Sending hugs if you would like them and you are in my thoughts. 💗💗💗
@calmLake1999
Thank you so, so, so, so much. Right now I just need a stable person to be in a relationship with every day (and I don't have that -- pretty sure all of my close relationships are unstable). But I am sure I am going to need to vent or a shoulder to cry on or someone to sit beside very soon, because I need that often. So often that it really means a lot that you offered that. Thank you so much.
@singercrystalspirit
I am on cups daily and i am more than happy to be here for you 💗 you are so worth a happy and stable relationship!
@calmLake1999
Thank you for saying I am worth it. I wish I believed you. I have pushed many, many, many, many, many people away. (Many of whom were bad for me... some of whom might not have been.)
@calmLake1999
Well.... to be fair (to myself), many people have pushed me away, too. And I've been very hurt. Many times.
@calmLake1999
Do you really mean that? About me being loved and cared for, having compassion and strength? I... it just hit me that I think I am having a hard time believing people recently because I moved to the South, and people don't say what they mean here... they say lots of flowery things "just to be polite and nice." I think it's a really harmful environment for me. I don't know what to do.
@singercrystalspirit
Of course I truly mean that singer.. You have so much strength and compassion and u so deserve to be loved and cared for! I am from Australia and I say what I mean. Im not one for being dishonest even when being polite. I know it is hard to see your own worth. I struggle with my own worth but I see yours so strongly. You are very much loved here in cups by myself and many others!! Im sorry to hear your in an environment which is harmful for you. Hold onto your strength and lean on us here when needed. Sending much love 💗💗
@calmLake1999
Thank you. I'm 95% of the way to believing you. (Which is progress. I've been unable to believe anything positive about myself that people say. Again, I think because of this culture... it's like it's poisoning me.) (And I don't even know how I got back up to 95%.)
Well ... I'm having a little inkling that speaking my own truth is tied to me being able to listen to and receive truth from others. Hmm.
@singercrystalspirit
hmm that is interesting about speaking own truths.. i wonder if that is the key to believing what others say.
I will remain here for you as much as I can singer.. I truly believe you are a beautiful and kind soul and hope I am able to offer you a stable online friendship
@calmLake1999
@singercrystalspirit I have some people on here that I have connected with and felt very truly supported from. @calmlake1999 is one of these people. I personally know we will never be able to meet in real life. Although I wish that wasnt the case. I also understand the reasons for this on this site and do appreciate the policy as it is meant to protect overall even if it means some very positive connections might lose out in the end.
I also know that we are ALL to here for support and to heal and this also means that one day some of us might be gone. Once I go back to work full time, I dont know how often Ill be able to make it on here between family commitments, my own outside self care and such. For now, Im here and Im offering my support and friendship.
@purpleWest8143
I know it. I understand the policy too, even though sometimes I wonder .... if it's good for me in the long run to make friends (here on cups) that are "doomed" to be transitory. (When one of my biggest issues is needing stable, enduring relationships). I honestly don't know the answer to that question.
Maybe the issue is that I spend so much time on here because I've struggled for so long to make stable, good connections in real life, both in my former place of living and in my current place of living. (So it's an out-of-balance issue).
And you know, that's true. I've disappeared from this site during the times that I've healed. And I've come back when I needed to come back. I know at one point, I actually told everyone a permanent goodbye. I thought I wouldn't be back. And then here I am, on every day again. Ashamed of that.... by the way.
It's so awesome that you have a life with commitments and things. I think I'm on here so much because I don't have a life, and it's all gone to disaster my trying to build one here. Well.... actually it's not really a disaster. It just simply isn't working. I'm not building anything. Things keep failing. Gently often, or at least not entirely disastrously, but failing nonetheless. I know it's just because I don't belong here (where I live). But I haven't wanted to leave because I haven't known where to go. Or what to do.
I am happy to have your support and friendship while you are here, acknowledging that beyond my depression, I probably believe somewhere in my brain that I won't always be on cups either.
@singercrystalspirit ❤️ I too some days feel as though maybe Im on here too much as it often keeps me from doing tasks. But I like to think that there are lots of benefits for me being here too. Im finding that it has helped me with self reflection, the daily check ins give me tons to think on, it has also helped me to feel connected to others as well as get feedback from some people who are on similar journeys and consider things I might have missed otherwise. This is just what I get and I know I need to learn to transfer this all to the real world. But Im hoping this is a safe place for me to explore and start.
Im sorry I keep phrasing stuff in my experience. I think its that Im hoping how Ive seen things might be relatable for you but I dont want to tell you what to do of course. I also dont want to make it about me... so if this isnt helpful please say so. I think that I always have an easier time when I personally relate to something so I tend to assume others may as well
@purpleWest8143
No no please don't apologize. I didn't intend to say anything that would prompt you to apologize. I don't feel that you have any need to apologize. I'm really happy to be connecting with you. I'm starting to feel connection and I've been needing that really badly.
@singercrystalspirit you didnt say anything that prompted me to feel like that either. I was just noticing that I keep doing that. I think Im hyper sensitive to making it about me which isnt my intent and Im Hoping thats not what Im doing. I think If I can relate to something personally it increases my understanding or its on another sort of?
@purpleWest8143
You sound so much like me it's blowing my mind. I struggle with exactly this thing, too.
@purpleWest8143
I think I feel ashamed because I've been on cups for..... going on three years now (seriously?!) as a member, off and on but mostly on... and somehow I haven't successfully translated to real life (at least that's what I tell myself). I feel like honestly I'm the only member who's been on here so much for so long, to be perfectly honest. I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. <----- The truth is those are probably skewed negative thoughts. I mean I'd like to be living successfully in real life. Sigh. It's not so much being on cups that bothers me I guess, it's that it's such a large part of my life that bothers me. But I already said that. Yeah, like I have been on for hours tonight instead of doing other things I "needed" to do. BUT -- even my counselor told me this week that I really need emotional support. Which is what I'm on here trying to get. So..... Idk.
@singercrystalspirit do you feel supported here? I think if you feel supported here, its a good start...no ones counting days- Im not counting anything ( except for you maybe?) Maybe its a way for you to start to recognize , exactly what kind of things make you feel supported = what kinds of things you need from relationships.
@purpleWest8143
That is a valid point. Is is helping me to recognize what I need, by contrasting my finally feeling able to express and connect, with what I haven't been getting in my day to day life. Sometimes I do get discouraged that "what I need" isn't out there in real life..... (it seems really hard to find and like I have to fight really hard for it, and like there are a BUNCH of people that I keep having to tell to go away or who aren't helping me)
@singercrystalspirit I get this too, starting to recognize what sort of stuff isnt in line with my core values and being able to pick up on signs of it earlier.
Do you feel like you are more of an empath - as in maybe not drawing lines or setting boundaries with other people early on when they are doing things that may cross the lines of what you need because you see how they are trying to fulfill their own needs and maybe tolerate too much? I think this has been part of my problem. Ive been reading up on why empaths end up with narcissists and have found a lot of info about this type of dynamic if it makes any sense to you too
@purpleWest8143
I have been told I am an empath and absolutely identify with being one. Are you? Yes, I think my ex was bipolar with narcissistic tendencies including denying treatment for bipolar thinking he was "above it" and self-medicating with things including alcohol (he's the source of a lot of my trauma) but that is just my best guess after much analyzation.
I had such low self-esteem (I had bulimia) that I didn't even think I had needs, if that even makes sense. I was thrilled just to have someone want to be in a relationship with me. To be honest, I still tend towards that. I only feel good when I stand up for my needs, but it's a challenge for me. Because, like we were mentioning earlier, a lot of people leave. And I get really frustrated that even after all these years, I still seem to attract the type of people who get close fast, and then leave or disappear. It makes a lot of sense.
@singercrystalspirit totally think Im an empath too. But this enabled the dynamic of my first long term relationship being super abusive and I suspect he had an antisocial personality disorder. My ex husband Im sure is narcissistic. on a plus, this has allowed me to be very patient In my current relationship with a partner who is kind and supportive but he does struggle with other things that do not involve any type of abuse or neglect.
@purpleWest8143
Hmm... I have wondered if I had antisocial's in my past too.
It sounds like your current relationship has some challenges... I need to catch up in your own diary more. I know I read some about it but I didn't get the full story yet.
@purpleWest8143
Also I am really, really, really sorry that your first experience of a long term relationship was super abusive 
That is so tragic and sad. It shouldn't be that way.
@purpleWest8143
But yes, I am feeling supported right now...
@singercrystalspirit Im glad that you
@purpleWest8143
Me too. I'm really happy about it. It's been the first time I've been feeling happy in a pretty long time. I'm of course scared something will go wrong or that it will go away. Or that I will turn out to be bad.
@singercrystalspirit theres lots of us on here who want to be here for you. And I promise you are not bad. I can also promise, that you will at some point connect with people in real life who get you, are supportive, and appreciative of you speaking your feelings and everything that is you!
@purpleWest8143
I wish I could feel wanted. And I am still so afraid that I am bad. But I hope that both of those things can begin to change. I hope that I can feel more and more wanted. And I hope that the fear that I am bad can lessen more and more. And I hope that you are right about real life, that I will find people I can connect with in the big wide world, who don't randomly disappear, but who stick around, and truly care, too.
Cause I love the adrenaline in my veins..
@RecoveringFlower
@singercrystalspirit
Haha. I love that song though. But very inspiring and encouraging words love
@RecoveringFlower
Thank you
@RecoveringFlower
I love it too.
Dear God (and I'm not religious but who cares):
Please send me a close relationship that is stable.
I need one very badly and I don't know if I can continue to go on without it.
More than one would be nice in the long run but I think I'd better start with one so that I can get used to what it's like.
Love, Singer
Dear Diary,
I am in a huge fight with my little sister and I literally think our relationship is over. I don't know what to do. I finally told her a bunch of things I felt, and she's not budging. And I'm an auntie. And I live in the same city. What the hell am I going to do? We just have NOT been communicating effectively AT ALL. EVERYthing is a fight lately. I don't know what else to do other than tell her how I feel. I tried giving her space, but that hurt, too, because I see her post all over social media about her life, yet she doesn't reach out to me. And if I'm not speaking with her, what the hell are we going to do when we all have family get togethers? My family hangs out together all the time. What am I going to do?
- Singer
@singercrystalspirit Im so sorry that things dont seem to have gone smoothly and ended in a resolution at this time. I imagine it took a lot of courage to be open and honest about your feelings ❤️
@purpleWest8143
Hugs This is all so HARD. I'm so afraid of what will happen. I'm so afraid it will hurt!
@singercrystalspirit yeah I imagine it is HARD, but truly being honest about your feelings I think is a good place to start....
@purpleWest8143
I hope so. *Sighs*.
@singercrystalspirit HUGS to you too!
@purpleWest8143
Dear Diary,
I feel really sad.
- Singer
@singercrystalspirit
*big hugs* singer... Is there anything you want to vent about.. Im here for you.. Sending you so much love. 
@calmLake1999
Thanks Lake Yeah... I'm feeling really sad about my parents' marriage. They've been fighting a lot for about 15 years (I'm 30). I found out today my dad had cancer... so I called my mom to ask how she was... and in the course of conversation it came up that he's been saying really hurtful things to her again still. I can't tell to what extent it's off and on that he does so. It might simply be that my mom is off and on whether she mentions to me him doing so.
I told my mom how I felt when I started crying in our conversation. I told her it had been like a slow purgatory of hell for me all these years, not knowing whether they were going to make up and start to improve, or split up, and it seeming to continue to vascillate between the two. She told me that she does have limits on how she'll accept to be treated, and that she's not yet at those limits and still has hope. She said she's been thinking about what kind of example she's been for me and my sister. I told her it's too late for her to be an example for me, and that whatever decision she makes needs to be about her. She said she doesn't believe that.
I don't have a partner, and I've never been married. I was in one long-term relationship for just under six years, and he left me. He bullied and used me for all those years, and I loved him so. Now it's over three years later, and I've never met another. I've dated a lot, that's it. I can't seem to meet anybody where it works out... where both of us are interested... where it's kind... where there's love. I'm not sure that I even know what love looks like... although I am pretty sure I know how it feels. How I would like it to feel.
That's why I'm feeling sad.
Dear Diary,
This morning, I feel sad, and lonely.
- Singer
@singercrystalspirit HI, thank you so much for sharing how you're feeling in a beautiful way. I'm so sorry to hear that you're sad this morning, and I hope you would find some comfort out of your day.
@TeresaGreninja91
Thank you
Dear Diary,
I just realized that if my mom and my dad weren't still here, there would be no one on the face of this planet who would care for me as much as they do. There would be no one to check in on me and see how I am doing. No one. I want to cry. I have an awful feeling inside.
- Singer
@singercrystalspirit I'm really sorry that you're feeling in that way and thankful for sharing what you're thinking. Of course your parents are the great people and love you a lot, but I guess there are people who love you too, maybe in the different ways, and maybe you don't find them yet. Furthermore, your parents are now happy to be with you and you can enjoy many things with them now, at this moment. I read some of your diaries you've left and thought you're truly talented. I hope you would find some happiness out of your day.
@TeresaGreninja91
Thank you so much
