Has Anyond Been Triggered by their SO?
Hi, I’m new here.. but still wanting to connect and see if anyone can relate, and maybe tell me what they have done..
I’ve been diagnosed as having PTSD because of my childhood trauma and emotional abuse that still is happening from my mother. My SO knows of my triggered and most of my trauma experiences, since I have told him.. I have opened up and let him see my vulnerable side to my experiences. And recently, I had noticed that he did the #1 trigger that had caused all my childhood trauma: treat me like an emotional punching bag.. and I was so shocked. I realized he had done it the night before and I had trusted him when he apologized and said he wouldn’t do it again. But then he did it again last night and even gaslit me. I felt so so hurt. I had 3 panic attacks and cried so much to the point of my eyes still being swollen. I then was in shock and stared at a wall for 20-30 minutes.. and then my walls came up and since then, I’ve been feeling emotional numbness.. I don’t know if I can trust him to feel safe and talk to him about my experiences anymore..
Can anyone relate to this? And if so, what have you done?
@Seathroughingall
Hi--I haven't personally experienced what you've been through, but I'm really sorry that that's happening and it makes a lot of sense what you're describing. You have PTSD because of everything your mother has done (and continues to do). As a result, you have some triggers, which you've communicated to your SO. (I can imagine that must have felt like a really risky and vulnerable conversation to have with him. It's really brave of you to share those things. 💙) But there have been a couple times now where he hasn't respected your triggers and that's led to some really difficult experiences, e.g. panic attacks, crying, emotional numbness, no longer feeling safe sharing things with him.
I went looking and found a couple links that seemed interesting or possibly relevant
1) A couple articles discussing the importance of boundaries in relationships for PTSD sufferers and how to set/enforce them
https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-for-eating-disorders/co-occurring-dual-diagnosis/trauma-ptsd/healing-from-trauma-and-setting-boundaries-in-relationships
https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/traumaptsdblog/2018/6/boundaries-and-ptsd-why-you-need-them-how-to-set-them
2) Creating a personal safety plan for what to do when triggers happen
https://www.verywellmind.com/developing-a-safety-plan-for-ptsd-symptoms-2797577
My SO well, husband is a trigger all on his own. I don’t fault him completely but it still caused me trauma.
@kindTurtle3738
Makes sense--even if someone doesn't mean to cause harm or be triggering, the damage is still done and it's something you have to deal with that has an effect. 💜
I haven't had a formal diagnosis. I've been to therapy a few times with no answers yet.
But I have a feeling I got some ptsd and trauma issues given my history of DV and Child abuse.
Part of my Domestic violence was exploitative triggering. He knew my triggers. And he used all that vulnerability against me. He knew I'd had friends complete suicide. He openly admitted to empty threats of suicide to manipulate me. He knew I had issues with hugs due to some physical violence. During arguments he'd force hugs on me, leaving me irrational and unfunctional. The only way my child hood issues ever ended were me apologizing for the trivial infractions repeatedly as I got the crap beat out of me. When I am triggered I typically crumble into an apologetic self blaming mess of a person. Exactly what winning an argument looks like. I'm sorry. I was wrong. We can do x thing you want.
Once I'd be okay assuming a mistake. But anyone that accidentally triggers you, and sees how damaging it can be will rarely forget how hurtful and painful it is for you. Anyone worth keeping around (especially a significant other) will actively help prevent triggering issues both from themselves and from others.
To trigger you twice and then not show any understanding of how screwed up it was is a red flag big enough to see from outer space. I'd be curious to see if there's any other signs of them being a crappy person, domestic violence or other hard pass issues.
@BrokenWingFlight
That exploitative triggering sounds really horrible. He knew you were vulnerable and had triggers, and during arguments he used that against you to hurt you and make you crumble psychologically. And it wasn't accidental; he knew exactly what he was doing. That's so messed up and it makes me angry reading about it.
I laughed at your description of red flags big enough to see from outer space. 😊 Sounds like a hard pass for sure. 💜
@Seathroughingall- Hi. I understand this well. My husband gaslights me all the time and triggers my complex PTSD from my family of origin’s mental abuse. So we have a second wave of complex abuse going on again. I respond usually with anger towards him and with crying also. If he doesn’t own his crap and instead defends his behavior, that’s when I get triggered with a trauma response. If he owns it and is honest with me, we settle it calmly. The latter response is one in fifty because he is narcissistic.
@HeartofAloha
Sorry you're experiencing that. 💜 You already have that complex PTSD from your family of origin, but your husband keeps doing things that are just adding more layers onto it. And more often than not, he doesn't take responsibility for the fact that he's doing any of this or that he has pretty problematic behaviors.
FYI, if you want to talk with someone, HERE is a list of experienced listeners who accept 1-on-1 chats on PTSD/trauma.
I know it's not really my place to say...but for everyone who still has an SO gaslighting them- I implore you to leave! I was with my ex for 3.5 years. Every problem we had was my fault since either was recently diagnosed with ptsd then. But he had issues too, such as not being able to completely trust women because his mom was a cheater, his dad/stepmother being toxic, etc. But I still accepted it as all my fault....he became a much worse abuser before I got out of there. Maybe they're accidentally gaslighting you...but if it's intentional or if they refuse to acknowledge they have a problem? That's a red flag my dears! Please stay safe<3