Without energy

I just want to share my general situation.

I'm facing the most difficult part of my life. I thought things couldn't get worse than in the past, but life has shown me how wrong I was.

I tried to start a business, lost money and a lot of time in the process, all in the hope of improving my financial situation and moving to the city where I study. I'm a chemical engineering student. That business took up a lot of the time I usually dedicate to studying, and now I might fail some of my subjects this semester. I really don’t like that, because I love getting good grades—my ego doesn’t like it either 😂. And all of this feels even worse because I also tried to get into nuclear engineering and failed catastrophically—another hit to my ego. Nuclear engineering is my dream career. Even though I studied hard, the time I lost on my current degree didn’t help.

So, I just want to share my thoughts—the good and the bad—about the little things. Yes, at least I tried, right? And that’s actually a really good thing, I know. But it still puts me in a situation I don’t like: feeling so vulnerable academically. I feel like I’m drowning. That’s how it feels. And I know I have the capacity and natural talent to learn. The problem is I don’t know how to use it efficiently. I need to lower my head, stay humble, and try again.

In another part of my life, I’m also facing three difficult situations at once.
My “home”—if I can even call it that—is a mess, and I blame my brothers. I’m always the support system for all of them. One has depression, and the other is actually a really bad and abusive person. I’m the only one who confronts him, again and again, and over the years that has drained me.
Imagine cleaning the whole house, taking a nap, and waking up to find that all the progress was ruined in seconds because someone else made a mess. That’s been my life for a decade. Cleaning for half an hour just to be able to cook for 20 minutes.

Of course, I also have my older sister. She leans on me whenever she can, and I help her with everything I can. The problem is that most of the time, that’s all she does. I have to listen to all her problems, solve them, help with my nephews—and I truly love that. I love them, and I do whatever I can for them. But she doesn’t understand that I’m not her husband or the father of her children.

So yes, my life is a mess both inside and outside the house. And it’s also a mess in my heart.

I’m a 26-year-old man, and I’ve never been in a relationship.
That hurt me deeply for a long time. But now I feel somewhat relieved because I’ve realized how broken society is when it comes to sexuality—hypersexualized, lacking connection, and full of people traumatized by past relationships.
Recently, I converted to Islam—I'm Muslim now. And that’s one of the two good things that have happened lately. It took a huge weight off my shoulders. But now I’m facing my real problems.

Pornography.
I have an addiction to it, and I really feel ashamed. I know it’s a common problem, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
When I try to resist, I feel horrible—my body and mind play tricks on me, sending shiny, detailed images as impulses. My chest hurts, my hands and body shake, and my stress shoots through the roof.
But if I give in to temptation, I feel horrible too. I know it’s unhealthy, and I’m only making things worse. Of course, I feel guilty for failing Allah. But every time I fall, I clean myself up, I pray, and I ask for forgiveness. I always return to the One, and I know that’s what He wants. But that doesn’t take away the suffering.

I have good relationships with the women in my life, but I don’t like the way I instinctively see women. So I control myself—always.

I’ve been asking Allah for something, because recently I realized what I truly want, even more than becoming a nuclear engineer.
I want to find someone who also believes in Allah and build a deep, meaningful relationship the way He intended between a man and a woman.
My deepest desire is to have children. To protect them. To protect my wife and my children. To hold them. To allow them to live as safely and stably as possible, so they can flourish.

At the same time, my mind says, “Haha, you’re asking too much, man. You’ll never find someone like that.”
This feeling and these thoughts come from my past traumas with women. They always used me, improved their lives, learned from me—and then discarded me.
Recently, a woman destroyed my heart—while all these other things were happening.

I’ve known her for a while. We were always very close. She, like me, had a difficult past. I used to weigh 140 kg, but now I’m perfectly fit and healthy. My self-esteem was terrible, but now I know my worth. She had bad experiences too, and they traumatized her. I helped her deal with those things in a healthy way.
There was always a strong attraction between us. One day, I took the plunge—and to my surprise, she said yes. She told me I was the only man she would ever want to have children with. That would warm anyone’s heart.

But then something changed over the weeks. It was like walking on glass. Any misstep, and a wave of anger would appear. I’d helped her deal with this in the past, but this time it was different. All I wanted was to fix things or at least end them in a good way. But she didn’t want that. One day, she just texted me and cut everything off, leaving me with words that didn’t even make sense.

That, combined with everything else, pushed me to the edge. I have no energy left. But all I do is keep going, processing everything the best way I can—without developing resentment or hate toward anyone.
All I do now is go to the gym, eat, study with what little energy I have, travel 5 hours a day to get to college, learn English, and pray. That’s my life right now.

I deal with the feeling of loneliness, because the only people who talk to me usually just want something from me.
I’m trying to lean on the part of my family that doesn’t drain me—my grandmother, my uncles, and my mother.

But I have no energy, haha. I’ll keep going because it’s all I can do. When the semester ends, I’ll go all out to move to the city where my university is. I want to live alone—that’s a dream.

At the same time, I’m trying to process my relationship with women. I admit that while I don’t feel hatred, I do feel fear.
And some women—intentionally or not—take advantage of that. They don’t respect my boundaries. I’m Muslim, but they don’t care. They invade my personal space and don’t respect my beliefs.

Of course, I know this fear is just a feeling. I know there are good women. And this one, even though she hurt me unnecessarily, I don’t resent her. I understand her. I know it was her trauma speaking. In the end, I didn’t make her feel safe.

This year has been the most intense of my life—both in good and bad ways.
But at least I’ve become aligned with several things:

• Living alone.

• Deepening my connection to Allah.

• Gaining muscle and becoming more disciplined.

• Discovering what I truly want beyond empty, meaningless relationships.

And I’ve learned three lessons:

1. At least I tried. Even though I failed, now I know what I can handle. That makes me strong.

2. I have to stay humble. If I fail my subjects, it’s okay.

3. I’m trying—in every part of my life. In shaa Allah, if God wills it, maybe I’ll find someone someday, or live alone, or pass my subjects. I’ll do whatever I can. The outcome is in His hands.

Thanks for reading.
I know this was a lot, and I probably made several mistakes in expressing myself—I’m still learning this language.
I hope you’re having a cozy, relaxing day. And if you’re going through something too, I’m here to listen.
I wish you the best. 😁☺️