My husband said he was gay is it a phase or no?
Last Updated: 12/27/2020 at 11:04am
Andrea McDonald, MSW, LICSW
Clinical Social Work/Therapist
It is important to know that you are not alone, life can be difficult I am here to help you navigate and resolve issues that can feel overwhelming.
Top Rated Answers
While sexuality is fluid and things can change, when someone comes out to you, it's best to treat it as true. It must have taken a lot of courage for him to tell you that, and regardless of whether it changes or not in the future, it's important that you take it seriously. If you have questions about it, it's best to discuss with him directly--only he can know the extent of his feelings. Together you can discuss what this means for your relationship, and what will or won't change.
It takes a lot of courage and bravery to open up about yourself to someone. Whether it’s a ‘phase’ or not, the best thing to do right now is be supportive of him. He may be confused, he may be certain, but he’s going to need support and encouragement no matter what.
Sexual orientations are something natural and innate, they are born with us, but sometimes we need more time to understand it, because of social and psychological factors that prevent us from accepting our reality. If your husband has told you this, he surely has been questioning deeply and carefully, and he has come to this conclusion. I know how painful it can be. If he has already excluded the possibility that he's bisexual, the only way to deal with it is to communicate, to discuss it, to be open about how both of you feel about this. He'll need to feel supported by you, and you'll need to feel that he understands and accepts your feelings about it. Your goal is to find the solution that can give both of you the chance to be happy. Whatever you decide to, remember that your first priority is your own wellbeing.
This is not something that people other than your husband can answer. I think talking to him openly and without judgement would be the considerate thing to do.
No, it is not a phase or anything that he is attempting to do to trick you. Although he may seem like he is joking or something that is temporary it is not, he probably just found out or recently found out that he is interested in men, and maybe he finally wanted to tell you because he knew it was the right time.
The realisation that you are not cisgendered or straight usually happens at quite a young age. But even if you do realise it later, it's never a phase. It's a part of you. Your husband must at least be in his mid-20's, so I'm sure he has thought about this for a while before saying so. It's possible that he's bisexual too, since he married you. The best thing to do in these situations is talk it out. When I figured out I definitely wasn't straight at the age of 12, I spent almost two hours a day throughout my summer vacation, trying to figure out if it was 'normal' or whether the feelings would eventually disappear. But no, the feelings aren't just a phase. It can be difficult to come out to someone you've told you were straight. It certainly was for me, especially because the country I live in still isn't very open to queer people. Your husband must trust you a lot, so talk to him so that your shock lessens, comfort and support him. I hope everything works out for you two.
Being gay isn’t a phase, it’s the way someone is born. He can’t help being gay anymore than you can help being straight. You did not “turn him gay” and this does not reflect on your relationship in any way. The best thing that you can do for him is to support him in this realization even if it’s a difficult thing for you to accept. After this, you have to realize what is the best thing for you both do to regarding your relationship. Some couples choose to remain in a gay/straight relationship but most do not. Its important that you both agree on the consensus you come to because one person alone cannot fix a marriage.
The spontaneous change of sexuality is normal, being the result of an experience. We can not exclude the possibility that it may be a phase, but it is best to have a discussion on the subject.
Your husband coming out as gay must have been incredibly hard for him and taken so much strength to do so. It is a scary thing to come out and not knowing how friends and family might react. When a person of the LGBT comes out to you it is because they are finally telling you who they are. So no, it is definitely not a phase. I would recommend to be as supportive to him as you can. People can't control who they love and that should be okay. He might even be feeling incredible guilt for hurting you, but at the end of the day he deserves to be who he truly is.
I imagine this is not something that just popped up out of nowhere. He's probably been struggling with this for years and has finally taken that step to be honest with himself and with you. Only he would know for sure if it's a phase or not. As a gay man, I've been through this myself, it's very real, and the realization and personal acceptance is the first step. Coming out to your partner is a leap. Seeing a therapist was extremely helpful for both me and my wife. It's a journey. I'm sorry you are going through this. The straight spouse and her feelings are often forgotten in this situation. I wish the best for you.
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