Why does a spouse have to make a marriage such a challenge?

@Spearman60

Lots of very thought-provoking stuff in this string. As a woman who did endure (and survive) a failed marriage, communication of needs is a big part of a healthy relationship. I also (personally) never had those hard conversations and made a lot of assumptions about what my husband was feeling, or believing that he needed space at times, when maybe it would have been better if I had approached him and offered support more often. In my second (and current) marriage, I have prioritized a couple things: (1) having awkward conversations so that my partner understands how I feel and where I'm coming from, but in a gentle way; and (2) really listening to what my spouse says and trying to react to it in a loving way, with a heart that does want to give him what he wants (including being the initiator of intimacy at least half the time!).

New habits: After so much time as a married couple, you may have established routines that seem like they don't require discussion, but much of it is based on assumptions you have formed about one another. It's hard to break habits and you do need two willing partners to make change happen. I will share a few things that I (personally) appreciate from my husband that help me, and they actually motivate me to reciprocate based on what we have shared regarding what my needs and desires ... When he asks, "How was your day?" he listens actively, does not multi-task, doesn't try to switch the conversation about his day until I've had a chance to say my piece about mine, doesn't try to fix or give too many opinions about stuff, just listens and gives agreement or sympathy or laughter or whatever it is I need in that moment. I do the same when he shares his day with me. When he compliments me on my appearance, actually notices that I am wearing something new, or my hair is all fixed (not in a pony tail, as became the habit during COVID). When he goes out of his way to show affection in a way that isn't a silent request for full intimacy (a back scratch, holding hands out of the blue, cuddling in bed just to cuddle with no additional expectation). When he calls me up and says he wants to pick up dinner tonight so that I don't have to cook, and he agrees willingly to pick up the thing that I first suggest. Luckily we both love barbeque, so not a hard one in my household, but if I am in the mood for Chinese, he goes along even though it's not his favorite.

Intimacy: I shared that it's hard for me to be the one to make the first move, so we worked on it. I make a point of holding his hand while we are sitting next to one another in the living room, which he now understands is my most comfortable way of "initiating" in a very subtle way that I could be open to migrating to the bedroom a little later. Another subtle way that I can give him the heads up is that I'll start getting ready for bed early. There are many possible "quiet gestures" or phrases that can be workarounds for people who don't feel comfortable actively initiating, is the point I'm trying to make. Sometimes I'll just say something like, "Maybe we should go to bed early tonight" and that makes him super happy right away! It did take me a bit of time to form this habit, but when he does the things that show me how he is loving me in other ways, that truly helps me step up and take action to please him in this way!

The internet and a good book out there talks about "love languages" so a somewhat proactive way to start working on rekindling a relationship is to mention that you have read about this and would like to try to understand what your spouse's "love language" is. Just another suggestion, in case you find it helpful.

I wish you all the best. I am a verified listener, and you can find me here: https://www.7cups.com/110728159

Feel free to message me if you'd like to chat.

After reading everything in this thread, I just felt I had to gloat about something.

People's jaws drop in horror when I tell them what I'll tell you all in a second, but I feel so validated in doing what I'm going to gloat about, all because of this thread!

When my two boys were teenagers, I'd tell them, "Never get married until you've first lived with the person you want to marry. Things may seem wonderful, but people have idiosyncracies no one sees until they live with that person. The person you want to marry may end up doing things you'd normally never see, unless you lived with them, that will drive you absolutely crazy. Even to the point of resenting them for it.

And actually, sex is different when you live with someone than when you're dating. It just IS. And sex is a major factor in marriage. Better to find out if you're compatible before you're married than after.

Keep in mind, you just never REALLY know a person. But you'll know them a lot better if you live with them."

🐻

I have not read through all the previous replies, but I wanted to say again, as I know others have, you are most definitely not alone.

I was married for 17 years, have been separated now for about 4 years. Soon after separation, I started dating someone (call it a rebound relationship, call it too soon, make your own judgements, but that's what happened), and I started to wonder, "Why ruin a perfectly good relationship by getting married?"

I felt It was a pretty strange thing to be wondering, but there remains some element of truth to it. Long story short, I am still with the same guy, and we find that when we start getting "too close" we both feel the need to pull back and retreat into our own personal lives. There's a respectable level of autonomy that we can maintain by living in separate houses and really living our own individual lives. He made a comment recently about not wanting to feel "like an old married couple" and it was both funny and serious at the same time.

There are actually some real benefits to being the old married couple, and having that level of familiarity and history with another human. But then we also find ourselves being "stuck" in that relationship. It may feel stale, stagnant, hollow, or unappreciated. People change, our long-term goals may change, our hormones certainly change. We crave a spark, a passion, but we've settled into a routine and predictable pattern.

I don't have the answers for you, but as everyone here already knows, relationships are both wonderful and challenging. Life is always getting in the way of having fun. And living with any other human (kids, parents, spouses, roommates, etc), now matter how much you love them and care about them, can be really difficult!

The best I can say is be real, be honest with yourself, be honest with each other. Treat each other with respect and compassion.

With respect to intimacy - hormones can be amazing, and hormones (or decline of hormones) can be a dizzying frustration. I think desire for intimacy/lack of intimacy may be one of the most challenging parts of maintaining a long-term relationship. It seems rare that two people can maintain the same desires here for the long haul.

Sorry, that was a bit rambling. Good luck to you. Feel free to vent when you need to.

@Spearman60 Thanks for sharing with us; that must've been hard to do. See if you can communicate how you've been feeling with your wife in a healthy way and work on it together. Know that we're also here for you.

@Spearman60 I should be the last one talking about dates and marriages since I've had not much experience about it and especially no physical experiences. Also I feel like this forum might be helpful for my future. And after reading all these threads in the forum and from my personal understanding, I would like to write few points.

What I feel about any relationship is that there should be mutual level of giving and taking but that doesn't mean if one is giving more, other should pressurize themselves of having to giving them more even if they're not able to.

Each and every person is different and so is the way of looking to the relationship. Some might see marriage as the form of formality. They're only married as for a certificate and don't really wanna contribute to the marriage. Some might do everything that would make their partner satisfy but just because they see it as duty to do so and don't really get attached to them. Some might be fully committed and take full responsibility and other partner may not have any more stuffs to do. Some might be fully committed but also expect their partner to do so. Some might only wants their needs to be fulfilled. Some might want both of theirs need to be fulfilled.... and so on.

Personality might be major factor effecting the relationship as well. Like an introverted partner might always feel shy to take first step. And an extroverted partner might always be the one taking the first step. A narcissist might only like to feel themselves as a king/queen and may treat other as in dis-guarded level. A low self-esteem partner might always be the one to stay low while aggressive partner might be always suppressing the other one. Also how one takes these attitude of a partner may differ according to the personality of other partner.

But a bit of sacrifices and compromises are required in every relationships.

@Spearman60 Dammm, that is one heck of a wife I dont like the way she is treating you ): My only advice is if it is affecting you emotionally and/or your daily life seek couples counseling or leave the marriage, you deserve to be happy

@Spearman60

I have had experiences with friends similar to yours. I have lost a friendship because I quit being the one mostly who had to do the keeping in touch. I related to her that I enjoy being called up and invited places, and also have related to her that if she didn't hear from me for awhile that she should write or call me. Well, time went by and I did nothing and so the friendship drifted apart. Communicating your wants and needs is good place to start. I have had trouble in the past with being direct but I am getting much better. Maybe counseling would help you or a support group. Support makes a big difference in a person's life. Best of luck to you.

@Spearman60,

relationships are not easy.

They require hard work, to get through the good times and the bad times.

What caught my eye was you giving an example of coming home after having a bad day and your wife shying away.

My wife ( we separated, it's a long story) showed (and still does) the same behavior.

She can't cope well with emotions (her words and something I heard from our former couples therapist). She once told me, after asking me to leave, some things about her childhood. It's sometimes trauma that makes people respond and act the way they do. And sometimes there is nothing you can do about it but to show understanding. In acts, in words, in behavior. It's not your trauma.

For people like my wife, they crave for love. For understanding. For a safe place. Whereas yes, it might feel and it actually might be you doing all the hard work.

The trick is to be understanding yet to put your own boundaries and needs down. A mutual "what do you need right now" and "how can I help right now". Without ignoring your needs and any help you need.

I once was in a relationship, not happy in the job. I'd come home, venting, angry. My partner once said "you never ask ME how I feel, how my day was".

My wife filed for divorce months ago. I was devastated, said I understood, that I respected her choice. She couldn't cope anymore with my anger bouts she said

We did talk now and then. She once said "do you really think I wanted a divorce" and "how do you think I feel?" I didn't even ask.

What I am trying to tell you, we tend to forget to try to understand. Hence to communicate. Hence to be aware.

We get stuck. Focusing on ourselves. Consumed by emotions, pain, hurt. Despair.

Ignoring our true self. And if that happens, how can we be there for ourselves. Let alone for our partner. We can't, we simply can't.

Your marriage might be over. Yet there might be ways to reconnect. No matter what, focus on you. Connect with you.

Try, if you come home after a bad day to just say "I had a rough day, I need some alone time, I am going for a short walk".

All the best, and thanks for sharing. It takes courage to share your story.

@Spearman60, read ur post. as i am an introvert myself , i can relate much to ur post. i am someone who wait for othersto take initiative to start conversation. yes, even in case of physical intimacy. but yes, i show hints that i am interested, but he rarely understands. but there are ways to get the things smoother. i dont know how to message u, otherwise i would have done so

Well, today was a bit of a downer for me. Dealt with a higher level of anxiety and depression that I normally do. Once I got to work, it wasn't quite as bad. I just didn't want to go anywhere today. Things seemed better during the Christmas holiday, but today was different.

Sometimes I just feel like running away and starting a new life... but that's not being realistic. Sometimes I just feel like going out and finding someone to have a healthier relationship with and see were it goes, but that's not really the best thing either. Sometimes I just feel like going out and having an affair, but life would get too complicated and its just not the right thing to do.

I feel stuck where I am. I feel I've exhausted all that I can do to change things with her. Just wished she could see the need and want to see change. But I guess it's just not her nature... never has been. I'm tired of always being the one that has to make the change , to start the conversation, to initiate intimacy, to resurrect life in our home.

Wished I could wake up the next morning and be back to when I was a freshman in college and start this all over again with at least a fraction of the wisdom I have now. I know I would have done things different... and sadly, even married someone else. 😕