Community Lessons: On Feedback and Fairness

@Heather225 Thanks for this post. I feel feedback helps us grow as a community. I also feel if given the correct way, it should help the person grow and the community grow as a whole. I have grown from the feedback. Some of the feedback, however, I found to be harsh, in the way it was given, but some of it that was given, was less harsh in tone. But that does not happen too often. It has made me a better person and a better leader here at 7cups. So, please make sure, that when giving corrective feed back, that your tone is not harsh, because you do not want to hurt someones feelings, or have the person step down because the feedback, was too harsh. Remember, words have meaning and please be mindful and how you use yours. When I was a Support Team Leader here, I remember I had to give a member corrective feedback, I was just starting out as an STL, so I gave it, and it was hard at first, but it did become easier, with practice. I also gave some praise as an STL. I like praise every so often, and who does not. But you have to take corrective feedback as a leader, and remember some people will like the job your doing and some will not. The ones who like you, will be there for you, the ones who do not like you, well that is ok. We are NOT here to please everyone all the time. Just make sure, you enjoy what you are doing. Also, remember you are doing this for the members, so keep that in mind. If you try to please everyone, you will burn out quickly as a leader, and we do not want you to burn out. Yes, by all means have some fun. Enjoy your roll or rolls. If you do not like your rolls, then find out what else you can do here at 7cups. 7cups is a big platform, so keep this in mind.

@Heather225

100% agree. We are all responsible for our own actions and reactions. It is easy to try to find blame elsewhere. It's hard to accept fault.

One person that I most admire, and I don't think I ever told her, is a friend and ex-coworker. I knew she had her own struggles, yet she always had a positive attitude and a willing ear to listen. I honestly think her struggles made her the good person that she is. Highly motivated and a great inspiration to all.

Honestly it all depends how the feedback is given ! If the person giving you advice is rude, condescending or negative your not going to let it go in one ear and out the other. Not all feedback is positive criticism, and not all criticism is given with good intentions.

@Heather225

Thanks for this excellent post. Without constructive feedback, we may not ever realize our potential or know the growth we need to get there. Someone I admire is a past coworker. He worked really hard rising from associate, to team lead, and then to coach (manager). He always asked for feedback from regular associates on how he was doing in his job and what we felt he needed to improve. He is still flourishing in what he does today and I think it's because he listened to the feedback and applied it to be successful today.

@Heather225

Thank you, Heather, for your thoughtful reflections on such an important topic, so relevant for the healthy functioning and growth of every community and organization.

I think that giving and receiving well critical feedback are among the most advanced skills one might have.

On the giving end, it requires a great command of language, to choose the right words and phrase things in the best possible way. If it's too sugar-coated, the message might be lost. If it's too blunt it will do more harm than good.

It requires an understanding of the psychology of the receiver, their feelings, their mindset, their context, how they conceive the relationship with you, the meaning they give to the issue subject of criticism, etc

It also requires time and some effort to think about all of these and design the message in the best possible way. I have seen capable people being rude, just because they are overburdened, and can't give it the time it requires. Many leaders are overburdened and might come as cold because they want to get the message done as fast as possible.

On the receiving end, it takes stable self-esteem, humbleness and equanimity, a focus on the mission instead of praise as our motivation, a capacity to put feelings in parenthesis to analyze facts, a willingness to improve over willing to be seen already as competent.

Sometimes having these traits is too much to ask of us, mere mortals.

So, while striving for excellence, and promoting skills and best practices, IMHO, we should expect, have tolerance, and prepare for imperfection. Some feedback will be imperfectly given. Many people will feel hurt. Asking that they don't might be asking too much.

We have in 7 Cups a powerful "second line of defense", a "safety net" for Listeners in the Care Team, Peer Support and Mentors, among others. I would remind and promote that people (preserving confidentiality) reach for support if feeling hurt after critical feedback, maybe making it an integral part of the process.

And yes, those traits needed for best-practice giving and taking critical feedback are qualities of great leaders. Also of wise, content people. So we should strive to acquire and aspire to have them.

Thank you again for your enlightening and thought-provoking post!

What a good and challenging post. Love that question about looking at someone you admire and all the feedback they have received. Very smart point! All the folks I admire went through a lot of pain and struggled and grew through the feedback they received from life, the people they were responsible for and, even, their enemies. Great post!

@Heather225

This resonated with me. Because I have said something similar about anger. A person wouldn't be angry if they didn't care. It might not be a good way to demonstrate that you care, and a demonstration of care directed in a very wrong direction, but I've found it sometimes a bit easier to not panic when on the receiving end of anger, when Ive reminded myself that it's an indication that this is something that matters to this person and at least they care enough to invest time and energy.

I also struggle with feedback, so I like the fact I can apply this idea to this too. The feedback might hurt, but it is an indication that someone is thinking of me and has invested part of thier life in me.

Thanks for this.

A person I admire is a famous female, who took a back seat to support something she believed in, and received some very public criticism but approached it with patience, humour and positivity and as a result, I believe, made those critics look the foolish ones and just became more famous and respected.

@Heather225

Most informative. My only criticisms are that "perfectly imperfect" is a contradiction in terms, & that I consider zero-sum thinking correct more often than not because as I see it, life is essentially a zero-sum game. It's not true in every situation, of course...positive-sum situations do occur. But as we live on a finite planet, with only so much of so many resources available at any given time, the essence of life on Earth seems quite zero-sum to me. One could argue that reality itself is zero-sum since current scientific consensus is that the known universe has a lifespan of sorts; the Stelliferous Era (which we're currently living in) will not last forever; species themselves have lifespans--there is a background extinction rate--& nothing indicates that humankind will be an exception to that rule. In every way, time is a zero-sum resource. Far as I can tell, existence itself is not positive-sum. Look far enough into the future & it will be negative-sum, barring some kind of technological innovation that prevents entropy & discovers or generates sufficient energy to power a civilization...

...but I digress.

Anyway, great post overall. I agree that constructive criticism is needed for personal growth. That is especially true for creative people...you have little chance of improving your art/craft unless you hear & understand feedback from an audience, & preferably from other artists/craftsmen who have advanced farther up the path than you have.

Feedback is definitely how we grow.

@Heather225

Sometimes cups not fair though because even think of self when I get in trouble no one tell me why is ok other person bully to me for long time but not ok I get upset and say mean things after months them be mean to me.how to learn be better when only words is ignore them mute them ?feel like is ok people are bully to me and just have to learn ignore better and ignore feelings but can’t ignore for ever when try get help I get tell they don’t break rules idk just very confusing so learn not ask help here because doesn’t matter people mean I just have pretend not happening even make me so sad inside