A Talk On Self-Care With BlackRose522!

Talker: @Blackrose522

What is your idea of spending a balanced time on 7cups? Share your idea of how a good day looks like on 7cups, for you.

A good balanced day, I’d say, would be one or two good, lengthy chats with either my long-term members or with someone new. Averaging around 1 hour per chat, so 2 hours total in a single day. Maybe I might then hang out on LCR/LSR or in the other group channels to cool off a bit from those intense chats, but I (try) not to stay online for more then 3 hours, tops.

What challenges did you face in trying to strike that balance?

Quite a bit honestly, I’d say the biggest are keeping your boundaries, focusing on quality over quantity, and focusing on my job/role as a listener.

For keeping boundaries, timezones are frustrating, both to myself and to my members, and a lot of times they are very annoying to work around, but I’ve learned to just…be available whenever I am available. I no longer change or modify my real-life schedule to accommodate certain members or to be able to take certain chats…I used to, but I feel like that is a bit too much from my side, and these days, I have a bit of a personal rule, I am available whenever I am available.

For quality over quantity, I’ll admit, it is super, super hard to stick to a single member long term. It takes a lot of patience and persistence, especially if said member is filled with negative emotions and feelings, but, I think it’s also super important that we give our absolute best as listeners to our members, so, I’m trying to take fewer chats in general, and focus more intently on the ones I DO take, giving a better quality listening experience. The first few conversations with a new member are often fairly simple, but as the “introduction” stage is passed, it gets harder and harder, but it is important to try and focus a bit on long term support, I believe, and it makes me improve as a listener as well.

Regarding keeping my boundaries…my absolute biggest issue is time. A LOT of members expect you to be available daily, and sometimes, even hourly throughout the entire day…and that is simply not something I can do nor I am willing to do, as I believe it goes beyond the call of duty, so to speak. I make an effort to log in for 1-2 hours a day, and I also make an effort to not exceed 3 hours. It is difficult though, a lot of members come with a lot of really sad and heartbreaking stories that tug on your heartstrings quite heavily…but both for their sake and my sake, it is important to keep these boundaries.

How did you try to deal with those challenges?

It was a learning process. I am pretty confident with how I am NOW, but it wasn’t easy for sure. At first, I was extremely emotional, with feelings of guilt mixed with anger as I messaged members almost throughout my entire day, my phone constantly beeping and going off…which was not good or healthy at all. But I’ve learned some things from my mentors and my fellow listeners, but I think it all boils down to quality vs quantity.

It is better to sit down with a member for a single hour, and truly, and utterly focus on them, giving them every inch of your attention and care and kindness, rather than spending 8+ hours giving half-motivated responses and weak unthought replies. It also prevents burnout. I would like to keep listening for as long as possible, I think it is a wonderful thing, I think it’s extremely helpful, and I want to keep at it. Just like a long-winded maraton, you can’t run the entire thing in full sprint, you need to pace yourself for the long journey ahead, and take it at a slow yet steady pace.

So quality over quantity, and longevity over short-term crunches!

What are the benefits of improving your balance for the time you spend on cups?

I’ve mentioned it before, but the main benefit is stability.

Emotional stability, I no longer feel guilty or angry or sad or am in an emotional wreck during my listening duties. Yes, there are some feelings obviously, I’m not a cold-hearted robot, but keeping a “professional” distance has been immensely helpful.

And Long-term Stability. I am listening longer and more intently, by listening less. By pacing myself and not taking a lot of chats that overwhelm me, I am lasting quite a bit longer before I burn out and go on self-care. I would like to reach a point where self-care becomes part of my 7 cups “Routine” and something that I do automatically, but I haven’t reached that point yet, I still need regular breaks from the site, especially after an intense member or two.

What message would you like to give to the cupsers who have come to be negatively attached to cups, in one of the many ways?

This may sound a bit…harsh and maybe rude, but as a listener, you are here to help. You’re not here to make friends, you’re not here to have fun, you’re not here to pass the time idly, you are here to help, from the kindness of your heart. Do your roles, stick to your strengths, whatever those may be, and DO NOT do as much as you can, but as much as you feel comfortable with.

I don’t think there is anything wrong per se with having fun on 7cups, don’t get me wrong, but your main and original goal should always be in mind. When you log into your listener account, you should take a deep breath, and say, OK, it’s time to help some people. It doesn’t have to be long, you don’t have to spend hours and hours here, even a single hour per week is MORE than enough.

Longevity is more important than short-term crunches. I want every listener here to stay here for a very long time, I want all of you to become amazing listeners, and the only way you can reach that point is through listening over a long period of time. Again, DON’T dedicate half your life here. It’s up to you to decide how much is good for you and how much isn’t, I don’t want to throw out numbers, but I wish people would focus more on improving their listening skills and on whatever roles they have decided to take, then trying to take as many roles as possible.

Find your strengths, focus on it, and become amazing at it. Don’t try to do everything, and don’t try to help everyone. It is an impossibility that will burn you out, and make you quit. I want you to stay, you want to stay(I hope), so, pace yourself, know your limits, and know your strengths.

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