My Treatment-Resistant Depression Journey

Hello! In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm going to tell you about my treatment resistant depression journey and how things got to where I am now!

In 2020, I had a traumatic fall that led to a traumatic brain injury. It made my depression significantly worse. In 2022, I decided to fight back. I fought for an entire year trying to get myself into residential treatment, and in February 2023, they finally got me in! It was treatment for mental illness in a residential home with 7 other people. I was there for four months and it was some of the most transformative and introspective time I've ever spent. I am so incredibly grateful for that experience. I got my divorce while I was in treatment, and my doctors decided it was best for me to be living in an assisted living environment due to memory issues. I moved into my apartment which is attached to my caregiver's home in August of 2023 and I've been living here ever since! My foster family is the best family I could ask for. I love them so much and I am so blessed to have them in my life. 🩵

But the good feelings did not last. The depression got bad again, to the point where I was back to not functioning well. I wasn't going anywhere, I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't doing anything. I was just miserable. Then I read a lot about ketamine treatment. It scared the heck out of me! But I was desperate. I wasn't going to try TMS because I don't like MRI machines, and I'm deathly afraid of my last resort being ECT. So after my research, I decided to go with a company that prescribed at-home ketamine. I worked with three doctors, two nurses and a therapist, and my caregiver was my "babysitter" while I took my doses. It changed. my. life. I became happy. So happy. I was out and about. I was cleaning, I was cooking, I was showering and taking care of myself. Everyone noticed the change. People who weren't in my life all of a sudden wanted to be around me again. My Mom said "I have the you back that I haven't seen in a long time." It was beautiful. 

Good things come to an end sometimes, and the good times came to an end with my seasonal depression kicking in with the fall rolling around. I got depressed again, and by January, I was back to being miserable. Not as miserable as before, but I knew it was creeping back in. I had to do something, and I knew ketamine was available in two forms. Infusions, which you have to pay for - insurance does not cover those. But here, we have esketamine, branded as Spravato. Insurance does cover Spravato, but only if your depression is treatment-resistant, you have tried at least 2 other anti-depressants for a significant amount of time with no improvement. It is FDA approved (in the US), given in a clinic in a very controlled setting, and you actually have to enroll in a program with the government saying you will use this medication exactly the way it is prescribed, in the environment it is given to you. You have to be there for two hours, and you need a ride home. For the rest of the day, you do nothing but stay happy and positive and rest while the medication goes to work on your brain. I started going twice a week, and I do that for 8 weeks. Then after that, I go to once a week until I don't need it anymore. Then you get a nice long break of remission. The best part? You feel a difference after the first treatment. My mood significantly improved. My suicidal ideation and rumination was gone with 2 treatments.

I would love to say more, but I don't want to go too far into "drug talk". If you are interested in trying this for your treatment-resistant depression and you'd like some experience info, please feel free to message me. I am an open book about my mental illness and experiences and I am more than happy to help others. If you made it this far, thanks for reading, and if you are treatment-resistant, I wish you the best in finding a treatment that works for you.