How a Difficult relationship with my mother
I used to think of my mom as a codependent, controlling, narcissistic women. But now I feel touched as I grow older and putting myself on her shoes instead of evilizing her and victimizing myself.
I feel very ashamed by myself for not being able to get ahead in life and I often feel like a dead-weights, a burden towards my mom and the rest of my family.
Both of my parents are already retired age and I feel a strong sense of responsibility that it's time for me to get ahead in life.
The issue is sometimes I have so much resistance towards my parents and specifically my mom.
@energeticWest1129 Hi, look I know what you mean, and I think it's great that you want to make it better and so to speak move on, you should do that. Do not discount what you went through because I am the same way, I try to be the bigger person and feel like I should not blame other people, and be responsible for my own life. I think that's great but I am certain your parents did something to make you feel what you did. I am not saying you should let it control you, but you sould not just think your experience was invalid. I have been through something very similar. I think we owe to ourselves also to put ourselves first. There is something called boundaries which I feel people like this cross a lot.
Also, elderly people are more vulnerable and feel worse, they probably realize what they did and that they shouldn't have behaved certain ways, and maybe they become humble. They don't really change too much as people. It could be a nice way to have a relationship with your parents again as they get older. As I said, they usually realize what they did wrong, and I do feel bad for them because it's honestly usually too late. But don't feel too bad for those who knew what they were doing when they were doing it.
Very well articulated!
i think both my mom and my dad’s family are also complicated and they didn’t get to grow up in a loving and kind environment themselves. For them, it’s all about how to survive.
it’s just saddening as I’m not sure how to move forward in life, knowing that there are relatives or family members who only thinks of me as their pawns to exploit or take advantage of when I’m vulnerable… it’s a bit disgusting.
but i think acceptance will make things better. I’m just still full with disgusts and disappointment that it is slightly hard to move forward and focus on what I need to do.
i fear that If I get ahead in life, my own family will find a way to being me down again because of their own loops of sufferings… it’s a series of misfortune consequences that’s out of my control, so i gotta be strong If i really want to move ahead… just that my convictions been swayed lately.
@energeticWest1129
many people have an impact on others, which could change with time, most people grow with love and admire their parents, it strange to think that way about your mom
i m glad that you built some compassion toward your parents' which be appreciated in old age.
@energeticWest1129 you have a very powerful sense of self awareness. What steps are you considering to move forward with that empowering insight?
@energeticWest1129 HI West, I just saw your reply now. I could have written this myself. I am so conflicted about family matters, especially in the last 3 days. I feel the same way about how you described those individuals. I am sorry because the last thing I want to do is badmouth family members, and I feel awful having conflict, and if you can keep a relationship that is fine, maybe from a distance. For some reason I am a bit tired, in fact I was feeling consumed by everything lately and just realized how tired I am; but I would like to try responding again when I have a little more energy. I do have an elderly parent, and I just had a weird reaction as you say, I regret not controling my reaction a little more; the situation is very complicated because my mother lives far so it's hard for me already being this far. It's actually not something that I wanted or would have chosen and currently there are some issues so I cannot move to where she is. It's all very confusing because I live on my own. I hope you are able to create the life you want, if you are able to include your parents that is great, but you also have the right to be happy
That is what maturity teaches us @energeticWest1129
Hello @energeticWest1129!
It sounds like you’re really growing in how you see your mom and your situation, and that’s not easy. It’s normal to feel pressure and even resistance, especially when you care so much about your family. But remember, you’re not a burden. You’re doing your best, and it’s okay to take your time figuring things out. You’re allowed to feel how you feel, and it’s part of your journey.
I don't know the full story about your mother, but it sounds like she wasn't the best person to be around with. Yes, some people change when they grow old but that doesn't erase what they did to us or how they made us feel. I suppose putting yourself in her shoes made you empathize a little with her but that she doesn't change the fact that she could have been better or that you deserved better. You haven't mentioned the reason for your guilt or being a burden but it's true that being old changes things in people, make them see life in a way they never has before.
If you want to connect anytime feel free to text me 🌟
@energeticWest1129 Hi, I feel you and I see how tough your situation seem, and i see you have written that '' you used to think of your mom'', so there were thoughts, right? I know something interesting about thoughts that they arise and fall by themselves and we cant control them, so its okay if they are just thoughts and thoughts are natural and they only become a problem if we make them ''beliefs''
@energeticWest1129 Feeling like a burden can be really hard, but remember that everyone has their ups and downs. Be kind to yourself! It’s okay to feel a bit resistant sometimes. Maybe start with small steps toward your goals and talk to your parents about how you’re feeling. They probably want to support you just as much as you want to help them. You’re definitely not alone in this, and finding that balance takes time. Keep pushing forward.
