My family is the reason for my poor mental health but they refuse to accept it
Hi, I just signed up today and figured posting here wouldn't hurt since I need some advice.
My family is highly religious and it makes wanting my independence so much more difficult, I'm an adult woman (almost in my mid 20s) with a stable job and income and even then, bringing up the topic of moving out feels so scary and nearly impossible because the last time I did, it resulted in this huge argument where I ended up in tears.
I've been wanting to move abroad for years now, but in my family's eyes, I shouldn't even be thinking of wanting that because religion says it's a sin for an unmarried girl to move out of her family home. And every single time, they tell me how I'm gonna get in these highly dangerous and awful situations and they won't be there to protect me since I'll be far from home; it makes me feel like a horrible person for wanting to leave, and it makes me believe them, I'm tired of being such a doormat, what should I even do? I keep getting told that my life and well-being will be put at risk because I'll be a woman living alone, and that attracts evil people who'll want to take advantage of me and do unspeakable things to me, they think there's no one else in the world who would love and look out for me the way they do, basically saying that me moving out is risking my safety and they're the only ones who will truly keep me safe.
Why do I feel so bad for wanting to be independant, why should I have to be married to leave? It's so unfair, they keep painting the "outside world" as this highly dangerous and hostile place that I shouldn't think about venturing into if I value my life. I've never visited abroad because of this mindset they have.
How can I put my foot down and tell them that I'll be able to make it on my own, that I'll move out and nothing bad will happen to me, that I'll be happy and will be able to stay safe even without them.
I'm so easily guilt tripped and it's ruining my life, I can't do what I want because they'll always find a way to talk me down from doing it, they know how to hit me where it hurts, they know I care a lot about their opinion and they know I won't do it if they convince me hard enough.
This specific reason has kept me from doing the things I want, from having the life I want, they're so overprotective, it feels like I can't even breathe without their approval, and I know that bringing it up once more is going to cause issues, they'll freak out again over it. I also hate to admit that every time they've talked me down from moving out by framing the world as this extremely evil and hostile place, I believed them and put my plans on hold.
@Sasha1905 Welcome!
That really is unfair and sexist. Sure there are bad things that happen, but there are also ways to mitigate risks. Being independent instead of going from being dependent on parents to dependent on a husband also carries safety risks unfortunately.
I don't suppose your parents are open to any compromise? Living in student housing, doing an exchange program where housing is arranged (along with neighbours or even roommates)?
If not, you'll have to decide if moving out is something you want to do without your parents support. Are there people around you who would be supportive if you decide to do so? If you do move out is there somewhere you would go where the culture is supportive of single, independent women?
@HopefulCloud00
My family is the reason for my poor mental health but they refuse to accept it
Sorry to hear about your situation.
Sounds like boundaries need to be set. How do you feel about starting to learn to set boundaries better and slowly get more comfortable? It'll also help with "feeling like a horrible person".
I'm also here to say that you are absolutely not horrible for wanting your own independence.
@HopefulCloud00
girl.. dont listen to them, they just want to control you💔 Do what you want, if you want to go abroad then do it absolutely yes!! and if they say otherwise, do it anyways because this is your life, and you only get 1 life. Please listen to yourself and if youre scared, that’s understandable but dont let fear stop you from following your dreams. and their are so many people who want to support you girl. Youre strong and i believe in you❤️
Ive been living through something very similar. Maybe even worse. Because my father is also abusive and not just controlling under the guise of protection..
I keep trying to do things i wish to but yes it totally impacts the mental health so badly.
I hope the relateability can give u a little comfort...
We can be happy and free. Lets keep working on it <3
@HopefulCloud00
@HopefulCloud00 Hi, I understand what you're going through because I’m in a very similar situation. My mom has told me something similar — that it’s wrong for a woman to leave her parents’ house without being married (although it’s not from a religion view, but more about cultural expectations).
It's sad to live with the feeling of being held back against our will, wether by emotional blackmail or manipulation. But regardless of your age or sex or religious family background, I think you should answer core questions to yourself as to why and what being independence means to you? How does it support your overall well-being and personal growth? Have you personally thought through the idea of traveling or living independently? Are your convictions about your next steps solid? If you can answer this questions honestly to yourself, and even if assuming but not conceding that your family's concerns are valid, they can't interfere with a clearly thought through process, the fear holding you back is the uncertainty in your plan, those little inconsistencies you haven't paid attention to or identify how to manage such circumstances should they arise when you eventually become independent. Dear friend, it's my hope that you will sit back with your thoughts and critically think through your decisions and if it's solid, take that step wether or not they support the idea, because let's face one fact there's no such thing as security. Life in itself is full of uncertainty and those uncertainties prepare us for the next phase of our life's but only when we overcome the challenges we're presented with in each phase. Pause and think, your family's emotional blackmail and outburst hold no matter over you. Take charge of your life it's your responsibility.
Hy! Recently moved to another city, faaar away from my family. You have to work long enough at your own fears, maybe with the help of a therapist and make sure for the first time living alone to focus on making friends in familiar and ok places before entering a relationship. I am one year here and I still did not enter a relationship yet, because of the reality that showed me in the past that I fall(because of my upbringing and fears) to manipulative people. So now, I do not let them in my house. I worked a lot to be in this place where I am now. It is best to start small , to put small distance between you and your family so you can endure the fights that may arise without causing you harm and work on those feelings with a therapist. It gets better as your confidence of handing harsh times gets stronger. But for that, you have to get out in the world and get a little bruised..of course you can keep away from "bad environments" but there will be times when you can not. That is why it is best to make friends first, to know the people you can rely on in hard times and avoid what seems too good or too bad. Other than that, your family will always want to keep you near, if they were raised like that so they will protest because they , themselves were afraid in the past. So they listen. It is hard anyway: if you stay or leave. Challenges will be everywhere , you have to make yourself better for facing them, and you will if you take every challenge as you go, and be open mind to learn from it and forgive yourself for possible mistakes and try to detach from your family's judgement and forgive them for the blindness( not to obey them, but to release yourself from their control). Will not suggest to jump into the arms of any man no matter how tempting it is , first take a lot of time to enjoy your life on your own. The men you will find , if you do not know who you are yet and especially how to live alone, will try to manipulate you ( not because they want to -some might) because you will not know your likes and boundaries and are willing to fall into this obedience dinamic.
Hello, can you message me?
@HopefulCloud00
Recently I started stating my feelings and needs plainly to people who were happy to tell me all about what they want but didn't care what I wanted. Basically I put together boundary statements - then I used chatGPT to form some more of them. The people stopped walking all over me. It was empowering. I want to learn more about them so I can just come up with them on my own.
I would encourage you to start small - people who don't know how to react to boundary statements are tiring and entertaining because all I was asking for was acknowledgement of my feelings and maybe a short "sorry" but they don't know how to react to me asserting myself and will explain, defend and justify nonsense that doesn't meet my need. I still feel good though because I clearly stated my need! LOL so I encourage you to try it with something small to test the waters!