Is my sister toxic?
I have an older sister, 2 years my older. We escaped an abusive household where I was the only one being abused, actually. Now we live with relatives and we don't have much space so we share a room with another one of our sisters.
The room has only 2 beds. I first had one bed all to myself and she was supposed to share the other with our sister, in a moment of compassion, I gave her my bed and started sharing a bed with our third sister instead.
She treats me very poorly. She turns the lights on and off all on her own preferences without ever asking out of politeness, she also maximizes the ceiling fan speed even when I'm feeling cold or when I'm sick. She never says hi when she's back from work. She acts like she's living alone, basically, and I'm just... Just "there" or whatever.
She also takes the chance to yell at me or just coldly bully me whenever she can. For example, I was once looking for something under the bed. What did she do? She sat on the other bed and crossed her legs so her foot was right over my head, just casually.
Then she acts like that's the norm and she loves me and basically I'm the one "exaggerating" or I'm a "drama queen", exactly quoting her.
We used to be glued together growing up, I was always the one giving more, and she was always tantalizing me like this. But I thought it was just her personality and it's fine and just... Loved her. But I'm getting tired.
I cry everyday, I'm feeling humiliated and powerless. Tried talking to her, she tantalized me more and said she doesn't need me in her life, anyways, all after I supported her our entire lives and took our father's beatings alone for her and the others.
I'm feeling very hurt and I don't know how to set myself clear and make my situation better. I'm feeling helpless.
@Chamomilegirl
🥺
Im sorry that you are so low and struggling and have been through so much.
Sisters can be hard work, we love them but we fight with them religiously.
Its important that you both try to respect each others boundaries and they she is more considerate of your feelings and what you need and not just about her.
Its admirable that you kept her safe but ultimately, your dad was the one to blame and you never should have been in this position.
Try just being her sister and trying to recreate some good memories and fun outside of the house 💜💕
@Chamomilegirl
The relationship has been you letting her abuse you too. Her treatment of you clearly shows she has no respect for you. it shows with her treatment and attitude towards you.
Sadly with you being a person who has taken bad treatment and abuse and always thought of her. Being nice to her will not work you need to stand up for yourself. When you can leave if you can not develop a equal relationship with respect.
You're right... I should have some respect for myself and set boundaries. But it's so difficult to set boundaries with her, it's basically like walking up to a bully and saying "you don't get to bully me anymore" which will just cause them to laugh and actually bully you more. Not lying she feels like my bully, really.
I talked to a family member and asked to be removed from that room and they responded positively but I'm feeling guilty towards the family who's helping us, my sister is making me feel ashamed. She has no respect for everyone and treats our caregivers the same way she does with me which is making me feel embarrassed.
@Chamomilegirl
You have no control of her behavior. so you do not need to be embarrassed. they too do not need to take this treatment either. Bullies do not respond to words but actions avoid her when you can and otherwise disregard her abuse. Bullies live for reaction making someone upset or cry do not give her the satisfaction.
someday you can tell her you feel sorry for her as she never learned to be a decent person
I really love her so I can't help but cry, I have BPD so I cry a lot anyways and have almost no control over any of my emotions which is probably why I'm such a perfect target for her. I've been working on ignoring her (which affects her A LOT) but I end up crashing down at some point.
I really hope she learns because I value her, but she isn't showing any willingness to learn anything so far.
Thank you for helping me clear my mind because most of the time I do tend to believe it's just a minor misunderstanding when it's clearly not.
@Chamomilegirl
I hug you tightly🫂🫂🫂🫂💗💗💗 it must be so hard for you. You deserve someone who truly loves you🫂🫂🫂 and hurting relationships with family members are often the most painful ones. Hugs dear🫂🫂❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much for your comfort 🤍🤍
@Chamomilegirl
I hear you, it must be so isolating, frustrating and painful to be dismissed and ignored like this, specially from a sister. Someone who is so close to you. I know what you mean. I have been there myself. I share a room with my sister right now. I have no room for my own things there as this is actually my sister's house. So I am respecting her space. Eventually, I can leave and have my own place and things. Meanwhile, I am there counting the days and minutes before I leave. I had to have a talk with my sister about the way she was treating me too and I am the olderst. It did not take the first few times. I took eventually though. We are in a much better place. We love and respect each other.
Your sister is just different than you are. She does not see that you are not like her. She has not put her feet in your shoes yet.
Or she can see it like this .... treat you like she would like to be treated yourself. That is the golden rule. It is simple to understand and to follow.
You are in soo close quarters right now. Maybe being right there next to each other is too much for your sister too. This is the way she is reacting to not having enough personal space. Can you limit the time you spend next to your sister? Can you find a time when she is not in the room so that you can relax there alone? Can you spend time away at a another family member's or at a friend's house?
I am at my friend's house right now. There I can have my own space. Not that I can not have this at my sister's place. I can and I do. But to get away to a different place. It is like being in a different time too. A place where I can be whatever I want at any time. At my sister's I need to follow rules and even go to sleep at the same time she does if I stay in the room. Otherwise, I can sleep downstairs watching TV. I get 3 days off from work so I can stay home alone too while everyone is away at work or school.
Maybe that is what you need your own space to think and relax without anyone there watching or listening to you.
This is very thoughtful and I respect your mindset.
In my case, I am aware that she is stressed out because we have to share a space. So we all in the house give her so much alone time in the room in which the door is always closed and she's in there alone, and that's most of the days because we all would honestly rather stay away since she emotionally harms us if we go anywhere near her.
But instead of acknowledging or appreciating it, she's taking it for granted. So since we give her the most of time using the room alone, she mistreats us whenever we need the room. So during our limited time in there, she does what I listed previously. It's very frustrating.
I've urged her gently to seek therapy and she didn't decline the idea or refuse it completely she's just too lazy and it's also likely from her behavior she does not want to change.
Update:
I got myself moved into another room. Still cramped, might have to sleep on the floor at times, but I don't mind it. I'd very much rather have peace of mind that physical comfort. Tension is too much for me.
I talk to my sister, but within limits. I stopped indulging her into every matter in my life, and I don't stick to her like two peas in a pod anymore.
You're in the right here. You're mot over exaggerating. My mom is the exact same way to me, but verbally. I've een told im over exaggerating or the truth is switched up so my mom has the upper hand.I think you should talk to this about someone who can handle the situation well, and put a firm boundary between you and your sister so she can't walk all over you. You got this ❤️