Can't Take It Anymore!
I can't take anymore of caretaking for my 90 year old mother. She's awful to care for. She's entitled, mean and always wants to fight me. She's always complaining about being in pain, pick a body part and she'll tell you it hurts.
I'm really beginning to hate her. She has ruined my life! I used to be a happy person, looking forward to my next adventure, but I don't anymore.
People at work brag about how much they look forward to going to home or taking time off to relax. I have no idea what that is anymore. I haven't relaxed in 4 years. I haven't looked forward to anything in 4 years.
Happiness is a thing of the past and never to be experienced again. Even when my mother dies, I won't be happy ever, ever again because my mother has killed my spirit. I will simply exist, no live anymore. She has ruined that for me and my husband.
I'm not sure why he even sticks around anymore because he's as miserable as I am. He has the freedom to leave but hasn't yet, but I'm sure it could happen in the future and who could blame him. He's been nothing but kind to my mother and she's just as mean to him as she is to me.
My mother has ruined my life.
@Patriot
I feel many in long term care giving feel as you do but do not have the courage to say it. i hope this post was at the very least a pressure relief valve.
i am in awe of your strength.
Do you believe in KARMA?
if i was you, i would simply place her in retirement home. you dont owe your parents anything just because theyve raised you. you shouldn't be putting yourself down to take care of her, if its too much for you - send her there. there are proper people that will take care of her, help and monitore her. you will be able to take care of yourself and seek a specialist to get good again
about your husband - i think this is what people describe as true love. he knows its hard for you, that youre struggling and hes trying to be there for you, to lift you up whenever you fall down. i dont know your husband, but he sounds like a good person
@Patriot
It sounds like you have really become tired and stressed, and not having had any break from the caregiving process. I think I get it. I have done a lot of caregiving over the past 30 years. However, I've always had breaks, in which I could get away from the person for a while. Caregiving for a difficult family member maybe the single greatest challenge a person can face. They know you, and exactly how to get to you and manipulate your emotions.
A lot of my caregiving involved spending time with a family member, which allowed the caregiver sometime away in which they could de-stress. Also, even when I was with extremely difficult people, I was able to become emotionally detached from their bad behavior. If it's a family member, it's much more difficult to do that. In my situations, I got to the point where all the yelling, derision, manipulation, and even combativeness, was kinda like wind noise to me. I could be in its presence and remain pretty calm about it.
The thought that you might never be happy again, sounds like being in a dark tunnel, and unable to see any light ahead. I hope that a time comes when you can put your life back together again.
It's very common for caregivers to forget about their own need for care. Self care is essential, especially when dealing with a difficult person. And I get the impression that you have not had much opportunity to pursue self-care. I really hope you can find a way to unburden yourself at times, so the caregiving process becomes more bearable.
Some things to keep in mind about caring for difficult people. They tend to feel excessively vulnerable, anxious, bored, and often guilty because they see themselves as a burden. They may behave badly without understanding why they're acting that way, so they look for people or things to blame. The presence of pain is often cited as a reason for being crabby and harsh.
It may be worth considering, even when someone is being offensive, there's an option (though it may take some effort) to not take their offensiveness personally.
@Spiritriver the last part of what you wrote is so relevant and needed highlighting and saying, because our parents sacrificed everything for us and it's not easy being the one to be cared for and feeling like a burden and losing independence and a sense of self so you shouldn't be a carer if you don't have patience, compassion and allow each person's dignity to be upheld!
@Amanda84
I agree with you. One of the problems is when a person takes on the responsibility of an elder without realizing how challenging it actually is. Sometimes the elder will become more problematic as they become more needy. It doesn't help when it's a relative who knows just how to "push your buttons." Caregivers usually have to become progressively stronger and more tolerant as they have to deal with their loved one's advancing decline. I've encountered situations in which the caregiver was also in need of care, and as their ability to provide care became more limited, they would start feeling guilty about it.
Caregivers are often made to feel guilty for having difficulty coping, especially if they can't vent without facing harsh judgment.
@Spiritriver one hundred percent, they should be able to be honest with their feelings because the days can be so long and repetitive and it's important to he able to process feelings honestly and effectively so that they dont go unchecked, thank you , i have found your words both helpful and clear. Take care 😊
God damn…
I'm in a similar situation with my mother. She drains me of any energy and joy, and now its affecting my children too. I'm currently at her house with them, and she's screaming and shouting at her partner, as she normally does, but I feel so bad for my child who is 9 and is having to listen to this, although their playing on a tablet but she's being so loud and swearing and shouting at her partner and saying she wishes she was dead. The rants been going on for about 30 mins. I just don't know what to do, it's not the first time and it certainly won't be the last. I just wish I could leave her to it and not see her ever again, but I am the only person she has to help her out and she wants to see her grandkids and buys things for them and takes us on holidays so I'm stuck in a mess. She's not been as bad as this for a long time but today she is seriously manic. She suffers from depression and takes medication for this but I also believe she has a serious personality disorder which I've had to put up with all my life. I have confronted her many times in the past so i know theres no point and its best to let her ride it out. But i really feel bad for my child. If you want to message me about your situation I'd be happy to share some support and possible coping mechanisms.
@blueSugar1184 are you financially responsible and able to move out?If so, do it.
She can still visit and see the kids & get them stuff and go on holiday's with you. But at least that way you no longer have to be around that amount of yelling and more & the kids don't grow up around it either. Will have a safe place being your own home.
@Patriot Agree with replies. Can you take a break or put her in a home? Is this moodiness due to getting older or always like this?
Your husband is in it for you not her. Have a great dude.
Does standing up to her or setting boundries work? Limit contact?
Wish you the best.
@Patriot hey I'm so sorry you're going through this... I'm proud of you for taking care of your mother- it shows you're a caring person who values family bonds.. as we get old we tend to get bad tempered. This isn't just the case for your mother but a lot of older people. Please know youre not alone. Still, you must ensure taking self care breaks. Please look after yourself. Only when you feel good will you be able to help others around you. Also if you can arrange for some help to take care of your mother it might be helpful splitting your work and taking some much needed break.
Our parents took care of us when we were completely helpless as babies. Take your work as repayment of that noble service. Its a moral duty not many of us realise . give yourself appreciation for being a good soul - don't let your spirit be crushed by her mean remarks but be happy about your efforts towards her. I know it's all easier said than done. I send much good energy your way. May God reward you for your kindness and patience and help you and your mom feel better...
@Patriot I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds incredibly hard, and I can't imagine how draining it must feel. Caring for a loved one, especially in those circumstances, can be overwhelming and heartbreaking, and it seems like you've been carrying a heavy burden for so long. Feeling trapped and unappreciated is painful, and it’s clear how much this has affected your happiness and sense of peace. Your well being matters too, and while it may seem like happiness is out of reach right now, there could be ways to bring back small sparks of it in time. I really hope things get easier for you, and that you can find some light again, even if it’s just a little at a time. You deserve that
@Patriot my mom experienced the same with her dad so I understand how miserable that can be