I’m Close To a Breakdown…
****TW****
Idk how to even start this post.
I guess it’s just gonna be a brain dump…
I’ve been trying to do too much all at once. This morning I did too many things around the house. They needed doing. But I could have done one last night…
Multiple people keep telling me I need to rest. I’m so incredibly burnt out…I stare off into space a lot; my brain seems to go on power saving mode.
I’m constantly “on”… On alert, on call, the one people go to constantly, the one who gives and gives and gives. My days off aren’t days off. I get so little time to myself, so little silence, that I can’t think straight.
It’s so loud in my mind. Not in a weird sort of way. The thoughts, the constant need to be productive, even the streaming mental “radio” of random songs that constantly plays even when I’m not aware of it, like background music. My thoughts are never still. It feels like a cacophony, a rousing noise of bees, but made up of words and feelings and guilt and pressure.
I’m not crazy. I have ADD and autism and more. I hope people understand what I’m trying to convey.
My carpal tunnel is begging me to take a break. I don’t know how. If I rest, it means I won’t be serving others. If I don’t use my hand, I can’t use my computer, my phone, my art supplies. All I’ll have left is… reading. Movies. Idk what else to do.
I don’t even leave the house really, except for work and running errands. Idk how to have fun anymore. Idk what I used to do for fun when I was younger. All I can think of is thrift shopping and such. Who was I before????
I’m not who I once was. I’m a shell of my past self. Rotting. Broken. Loving people who, for the most part, couldn’t care less about me. Fawning, racing to give to those who think less of me than their other friends. Who might not even think of me as a friend.
Idk what else to do. If no 7Cups, if no drawing, then what? Where will my support, my lifeline, be? Who will love on people if I don’t? What would I even do with my time? Stare at the wall?
Who is Kiara? The real Kiara? Where did she go? She’s been gone for years… The PTSD and the burnout and the overwork has broken her. The shell that’s left is empty. Shattered. Destroyed.
And what hurts is… No one sees it. No one hears me scream into the void. Silently. Achingly.
Kiara… The online version, and the REAL, IRL Kiara- is the perfect, obedient, smart, beautiful, amazing girl who knows and does everything right. Kiara doesn’t have mental illnesses. Kiara’s got everything going on. She’s strong and perfect and, she’s got it all.
And that makes me want to puke.
@jesusredeemedme2425 lots of love to you ❤️❤️ Idk what to say here... but one thing I know for sure is kiara is Awesome! She's struggling but she knows it. She knows she needs rest and she's trying that's what matters ❤️ whoever or how ever u are... you're Loved you don't need to be someone perfect no one is...❤️you're going through so much and need to give yourself some time... a day off doesn't really feels long it just passes and you don't realise it's over, you don't have to force yourself to feel or act better sometimes we just need time to process and for that you're allowed to feel sad and zoned out... just give urself some time to breath and always know you're special ❤️ Because you're you and there's no other kiara in this world like you!❤️❤️
Thank you <3
@jesusredeemedme2425 I'm so glad you're sharing this with us Kiara! I think your friend's advice is good, to take a break and try to relax. But what does that mean or look like? You asked what to do with your time? Stare at a wall? Sometimes yes, haha! I'm not sure if you can get the opportunity but I find being in nature away from life is a great way to take a break. The trees and squirrels literally don't care what's going on with you, right? They're just being, sometimes it's important to be around other forms of life without expectations or pressures. Stay strong friend!
True… I could go to the park sometimes. :)
Wow, where do you want to begin?
Well, right now, I’m alternating reading while curled up on my bed listening to the birds outside my window, responding to posts, and unsubscribing from posts I don’t absolutely need to be subscribed to. This is my self care at the moment <3
@jesusredeemedme2425
You know I'm here for you always, the wonderful thing about you is your big heart and your desire to be there for others, let others be there for you too 💜🥰
Awww thank you <3
@jesusredeemedme2425 💜
I'm so sorry you are struggling Kiara. (((Hugs)))
Thank you <3
@jesusredemmedme2425
I read your post with a full heart, and I just want to say: I see you - we all do -. Not just the version of you here or offline, but YOU , the one who keeps going despite the weight, the one who gives so much to every one on 7 cups even while feeling empty.
today's life is moving fast. Too fast for minds that need room to breathe, for souls that crave stillness and meaning. The pace of this modern, tech-wired world isn’t built for people who feel deeply, who need solitude, who ask real questions. And if you feel out of place in it. it might just mean your awareness is deeper than most.
Because honestly, being unhappy with the way things are… is often a sign of clarity, not weakness.
In every time my life feels heavier than I can carry, it helps me to remember that my time on earth is not the end of my story. It’s only a passing point, a short stop on the journey toward something greater, something beyond the noise, the exhaustion and the challenge. and all of it will come to rest one day, when I return to the peace of my Creator’s realm.
And Life is supposed to be a struggle. Anyone who doesn’t feel that might not be paying attention. We’re all here carrying things we can’t always name, living out stories we don’t always understand. But I believe this: to be at service of others will always mean that you walk on the right side of humanity.
It seems You have given so much of yourself to others, and to those who may never even thank you. That in itself is sacred. And even if you don’t feel it now, know you are deeply appreciated, and you are loved by many kind people here ( from what i saw here )
Maybe right now isn’t about having more fun or doing more things. You don’t need to have all the answers. But the fact that you still question, still care and still show up — means your heart is still alive and true.
" We all visitors to this time, this place
We passing through and our purpose is to observe, experience and learn.
And then, we return home..."
You are not alone in this. Ever.
Please forgive me if i misinterpreted your call.
I love this, thank you <3
One thing I’m doing rn is starting random movies. I give them 5 minutes to see if they’re any good. Idk if that’s dumb or not lol
The Dig was boring, and now I’m watching The Wild Robot :)
@jesusredeemedme2425 Have you seen leave the world behind? Sandra Bullock is in it and Ethan Hawke
Never heard of it. What’s it about?
@jesusredeemedme2425 A family is vacationing at a house they rented in NJ. Some people show up at the door. Talking about blackouts in the cities. This happens and that and blah blah blah lol. The world depends into chaos. It's not scary just suspenseful
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm older than you and I have felt the same at times. I think many, myself included, spend decades trying to be who we think we're supposed to be only to burn out then spend years trying to figure out who we actually are...and oftentimes there is a total disconnect between the two. I found taking a moment to focus on what "I" really value and want out of life and try to calm my monkey mind that tells me what I should and shouldn't value/want is what I always have to do. I journal, think of who I respect and why, try to think about who/what makes me feel better, more in control, it helps. You've got this, I believe in you!❤️
Monkey mind. Hehe
I read it in a book by Natalie Goldberg, it's how she describes her inner critic, like a room filled with *** off monkeys all screaming at once... describes my brain perfectly lol😜
THIS IS MY BRAIN XD
100% feeling! Big hugs! I hope you find peace! Here to listen! ❤️❤️
Thank you so much <3
@jesusredeemedme2425 Your a nice person Kiara, its good to vent, we're all here for you, I am. Try laying in a nice dark cold place, watch a fun show, and drink camomile. You'll get through this. I've been having some hardtimes too lately, this weekend, but I know it will pass. Yours will too. Gods with you, 7 cups is with you, you have friends, family. You'll remember who you are. A nice, and caring person. You help others, now its time to help you. And ice that carpal tunnel. :)
I’m watching The Wild Robot, and reading Swimming With Spies :)
You ok? How can we help? <3
Hehe the worm XD
@jesusredeemedme2425 Thanks, but my anxious moment is passed, so I'm okay now. Usually I don't tell people when I feel anxious because it just makes it worse. Are you feeling any better?
I’m not the only one? Where if you talk about it, it gets worse???
I am :) I’ve been using my hand too much though… I should go read. Hehe
@jesusredeemedme2425 It makes it worse because I'm reminded of it, and thinking of it usually make me more anxious. Whoa chill out that hand, watch a movie. :)
It makes it more real if I mention it.
Yes sir. Going to read now lol
