"One thing I've been afraid to share, but feel safe sharing here is..."

@Heather225  I have felt safe sharing almost everything.  But there is one thing I struggle with.  I used to share it here...  But I stopped because only a therapist could be of any help, and my parents won't allow me to get one.

@Heather225 I don't have to hide the real me here😁 my past, my disabilities, my sillyness (slowly learning to tone it down though😁) and people don't judge me for my lack of education, I'm not stupid I'm just brainalogically challenged😁💖 thankyou 7 cups for being my safe place and life line💖

One thing I've been afraid to share, but feel safe sharing here is... my true thoughts and feelings. Diagnosed with depression at a young age, I've never really shared my true thoughts and feelings with my family, as they do not understand. Over the past 3 decades, I'm still struggling to share my true thoughts and feelings with my family (parents + older sibling). But here in Cups, I can say and share whatever is on my mind. My mum especially, does not understand why I can share these things with strangers online or counsellors I see, but I'm unable to share my true thoughts and feelings with her. Knowing this, it upsets her. But I just can't share those things with her.

@Heather225

@Heather225

One thing I've been afraid to share, but feel safe sharing here is, that sometimes I don't know if I even have real emotions. I have gotten really good at faking reactions and emotions, to the point that I don't know when I am faking or not (fake it till you make it, lol) I know it probably sounds weird but I'll naturally act excited or happy or whatever emotion when people are around to the point I think I feel that way but when I look back there it's weird because I remember the fake feeling but don't actually feel anything in the present. I guess I just feel fake. I mean I want to believe I have real emotions but things that make me happy or excited with one person or group of people can make me mad or board with others, I put up a persona for every I meet unconsciously. It only bothers me sometimes and sometimes I forget about it but I can be very unresponsive or tired when I am thinking about it. Thanks for reading! ;)

One trying I've been afraid to share, but feel safe sharing here is sometimes I don't feel enough. The doubt started with normal things like my skills but it started moving to more important places like my relationships and eventually to myself and worth. The thing is, I'm also afraid of being misunderstood. I had a hard time talking to someone for the first time because I was afraid they would think I'm just looking for attention. It's all exhausting, but whenever I talk about it, like right now, I think to myself, "Other people have it worse, I should just brush it off." I'm not usually awkward around people but when it's talking about stuff like this I am. I don't like talking about myself even when I need to because I don't know if it's worth it. I've talked here 3 times now but the more I talk the more unnecessary it feels.

I doing great right now but I still wanted to get this off my chest. I know that I wrote a lot of unnecessary stuff but whatever. Thanks do reading if you're seeing this. :)

@Heather225 ;

One thing I've been afraid to share, but feel safe sharing here is...

People only care to help with my health until it become an inconvenience to them.

【 General content warning 】

I've had numerous mental and physical scares over the years, and naturally, I know that it's hard to take care of someone with my experiences. (I struggle myself and I know the 'inside information' lol), no ill will to any of my former carers on that part.

It's when the people in my life get into this 'cycle'.

They start to work with me –> They start to see the specifics –> It starts to annoy them –> They openly complain about me 'being difficult' and 'overdramatic' –> They stop helping –> Someone else takes over, and it repeats. It's been repeating for over a decade.

It's happened with friends, family, teachers, doctors, psychiatrists, workers, etc. 

I've been treated like I'm beyond help. I know I'm not beyond help, I'm just scared to voice that in fear of being told I'm 'overreacting' again.

Well, that one thing is something that I'm always afraid to share, even across 7 cups, I'm afraid of saying it while talking to listeners, because I don't want to be seen as a monster and have them push me away.

I'm crying almost everyday, the grief of the last heartbreak I experienced 2 months ago, with the very toxic and emotionally draining relationship with that narcissistic cheater, who I gave a second chance.

Her, my toxic family, and also standing up for myself the last two weeks against 2 egoistic classmates who made fun of me at school, making a clear statement to them about not disrespecting me, and I didn't make it a long drama, nor try to convince them, because they are too egoistic and immature to communicate with.

And it's much more difficult in real life to talk about the addiction.

I never told anyone in my real life about it, not because I'm ashamed, but because I don't trust them to be mature enough to not destroy my emotions after it.

I'm in a very emotionally immature environment with unhealthy people, so real life, nope.

That one thing, is addiction to p0rnography.

I've been addicted since I was in 5th grade, 11 years old I think.

I'm not addicted because I enjoy it, nor do I even want it at all.

But.. for someone like me... especially when I found out about having borderline personality disorder, which makes me have this extreme unstable emotions, unbearable highs and lows.

Doing healthy habits can't numb the pain, what does, is either that addiction, or physically injuring myself.

Playing video games and binging tv shows does a bit of numbing, but not as strong as the first two I mentioned.

I'm not saying that I suffer more than everyone, but when it comes to psychology, a person with BPD experiences double the emotional pain that others get.

And it destroys me, every single day, as I'm sitting between a toxic verbally abusive family that are a bunch of narcissists who never take accountability for the pain they cause me, refusing to accept that emotional pain is real, and ***, they are destroying me with it.

I ask them respectfully, they refuse to leave me alone.

I stand up for myself and make boundaries, they call me crazy, and a horrible person for being like this.

I don't have friends, I tried to find some online ones, and I failed for a long time.

I never had any good Irl friends.

Even after finding ones online, I just failed to put effort to talk to them, and ended up ghosting them.

I'm failing at every single aspect of my life, mentally, physically, spiritually, education, financial.

And I'm only 18.

So yeah, not everyone who has an addiction like this is a total monster.

They're mostly people who suffer way too much than they are able to handle.

And no, not every addict deserves sympathy, I've seen a lot of lost causes who embrace it, and turn into these evil figures who loves doing a bad thing like it.

But I'm failing to escape it.

Because I need to escape my real family, in order to not get emotionally destroyed every day like this, and reach the point of needing to numb the pain this often.

And to yap this much instead of getting straight to the point and just say the one thing that I'm scared to share and stop at it, is proof that I have a lot of weight on my chest that never ever goes away, and some of it comes out every time I start talking.

It's a funny coincidence, but my user name matches my state well.

I'm too sensitive, and fragile.

I don't have any money for therapy either, so yeah.

Whoever read this yapping, thank you, and I hope you don't ever reach this point, like I did.

Peace❤️

@Heather225

Frankly, I want to learn how to love in a healthy way and the meaning of healthy love.

@Heather225

One thing I feel afraid to share, but feel safe sharing here, is that I’m so afraid of being vulnerable with someone, of opening myself up to love and letting them love me. The thought of doing so and eventually getting hurt is something I can’t endure anymore. But at the same time, I yearn for that gentle love that, for once, makes me feel like I don’t have to carry all this weight alone, a love that makes me feel truly wanted and appreciated, rather than just lusted over or treated like a pit stop.