Outsiders opinion
I'd like an opinion if it's not too much. Just to allow myself to acknowledge if I'm wrong.
The other day I went shopping with my partner after l'd just finished work, we don't live together and l'd travelled 30 minutes to go see him and I drove to the shop. Anyhow, I used my trolley token to release the trolley and then proceeded to push the trolley around the store while we both used it. We got back to my car and l'd finished loading my stuff up, I then proceeded to help him and put his stuff in the car. He continued messing with stuff in the boot and I then got in the car thinking he'd return the trolley without question. He then proceeded to leave the trolley at the boot and get in the passenger seat. I without hesitation then got out the car and returned the trolley without questioning his act. I then got back in the car and didn't mention anything, he then started calling me rude and that I need help for expecting him to return the trolley. I don't seen an issue with how I acted but he wouldn't talk to me if I didn't apologise for my behaviour and rudeness.
Fast torward to today and I travelled to his house to pick something up, he then expected me to clean his house, he'd proceed to go into a mood if I didn't, I cleaned his whole house for around 2 hours and when putting things away l accidentally knocked the mop over which he'd placed in the way of the door hinges, he then started an argument with me and demanded I apologised for my behaviour.
He also argues that Ive got an issue with being controlling because I left him to put the trolley back. His previously gone through my phone and saw my journal and then proceeded to call me names for issues I was writing down, and saying he pity’s me. I don’t feel any love from him, and I’ve had this conversation with him but he argues that it’s because of his upbringing. However, there’s not an ounce of support from him. I’m a law student and from the get go his done nothing but bring me down for it, telling me I’m incapable because I ruined my life prior to meeting him because I have 2 children. He also states I’m lucky to have him and no one else would accept me with two children.
I just need an outsiders point of view. Am I a bad person? Am I controlling? Am I rude for my behaviour? I honestly don’t know anymore.
@brightAcres9944
hi thank you sm for sharing!
i dont know the whole context of ur relationship but based on what u mentioned it sounds to me he's emotionally manipulative and abusive.
- expecting him to return a trolley isn't controlling, it's mutual respect
- cleaning his entire house for him just to get yelled yet over a mop is verbal abuse
- him going through ur journal without ur consent is him not respecting ur privacy
- telling u no one would want u because of ur kids is a tactic manipulators use to make u feel trapped and small
as someone who has experiences with someone like this i'd say u need to be very careful. abusers like this like to tell on themselves, when they call u controlling, it's a projection of the control they're trying to exert over u.
i hope u can talk this out with ur partner or find someone who will treat u right. u deserve better ♥️
That was a great breakdown of the stages an tactics of abuse and manipulation. More people need to be aware of those things and the reasons behind them. Great advice too! Thank you.
@brightAcres9944
It is not you it is him his behavior is awful. the trolley shows he has no respect for you or others.
NO reason to clean his home and then get complaints about a mop. Zero reason to go through your phone at all and then mock you the line about you are lucky he accepts you with kids is Abuse ... run do not walk away from this jerk. you do not need him and this will not get better only worse he will command you to do all sorts of things to please him and it will never be enough. ...
thank you for the responses,
I’m becoming wise to his behaviour. It’s been a 3 year relationship full of issues if I’m frank. But recently he has becoming much worse over nothing, there was a time he invited me out to meet his friends at a beer festival. I engaged and attempted to fit in with them all, later on when we went home he instantly accused me of flirting with his friends and got to the point were I wanted to leave, he refused to give me my keys and in the process of looking for them I’d knocked junk mail off his side, he came running downstairs and strangled me. He then claimed he did so to try “turn me on” and didn’t purposely do it to harm me. Recently than this his kicked me out at 1am with no way home because he saw a picture of my friends legs (female) on my bed, I tried to calm him down and show him that next to it was a video of said friend. He wasn’t interested and told me to get out his house, it was an 8 hour walk down country roads.
I know I need to leave, it just hurts. His made me think that I’m the issue and don’t deserve any love, he cheated on me a few months ago with his ex. He claims we wasn’t together because we were going through a rough patch, however we had just been on holiday together.
@brightAcres9944
excuse me did i just hear u say he STRANGLED u??? isnt that just straight up a murd3r attempt? 💀
i'm not understanding why u are still with him. u know he's a walking red flag and i'm not tryna scare u, i'm just very concerned for ur safety. i'm sure u know very well u should leave him ASAP. especially when u have kids u need to take care of.
if u feel u are trapped in the relationship and fear he might do something to u, please ask for help. tell a friend, a family, tell a professional.
and give us updates to let us know u are okay 🥲♥️
@brightAcres9944 he's abusive and treats you like a maid. You deserve better. Dump his ***
I agree with the consensus that this guy is very abusive. It may be very difficult, but I can tell you that you are worthy of both love and respect. If this guy can't see that or can't act on it, he should be gone. Besides, if he tried to strangle you, that should be a really bad red flag. You should get rid of him, frankly, and as difficult as that sounds. You deserve someone who actually appreciates you!
@brightAxres9944
You are not in the wrong here
I'm a male and find his behavior towards you appalling. To me this sounds like he is physically and mentally abusive towards you.
You should really take a step back and think to yourself if this is what you want in life?
@brightAcres9944
I don't like how everything is being put on you.
He needs to take accountability for his own actions and words. Stop deflecting onto you.
Relationships are meant to be about communicating, not over reacting, you most definitely weren't rude and not in a million years, just being honest, would i ever clean his house, you are not wrong here 💜💕
@brightAcres9944 I hope you are doing ok. I am really sorry you are going through such a challenging situation. I just wanted to share my thoughts on what you've been going through. I think what you offered in those moments was consideration and what you received in return was criticism.
Love, when it’s mature and healthy, is about supporting the other person's growth and is rooted in mutual respect and support..You deserve a relationship with reciprocity and emotional safety. You deserve to be with someone who nurtures your growth, not someone who tears you down. All the best
You are not a bad person or controlling, you have very reasonable expectations and he seems very demanding and manipulative. He is wrong about you having two kids, my wife had 2 kids before me and her started dating and i knew it. Men arent afraid of committing to a blended family but it is a lot of work. He is just trying to break your sense of self worth down so that he thinks if he tarnishes your self image enough that he has you locked in and never will have to worry about losing you. He seems immature and insecure in many ways to me atleast and rather than be putting you down, he should be helping you grow in every way possible.
Please run as fast as you can. Think about if this is the father figure you want for your children. I see major red flags, he is being emotionally and verbally abusive. Being single is better than being with someone who treats you like this. Until then, work on your career.
